I felt the tears flow from my face as I remembered my little Benjamin Joshua….
The months following the death of my son were some of the hardest of my life. I was in counseling and trying to move past what had happened but it was so difficult to move on. I was the worst person to be around, and poor Jasper took most of my wrath. I was so caught up in my grief that I couldn't see that Jasper was hurting as well. I was selfish in thinking that I was the only one who had lost a son. Jasper was going back to Texas in two weeks and I flat out refused to go with him. I couldn't handle the constant reminder of what had been lost and I started to shut him out.
A few days before he left, we finally had a breakthrough. It took a lot of yelling and screaming but we finally learned how to grieve together. That night was the first night we had made love since we lost Benjamin. I felt a little part of my heart slip back into place that night and knew that I had to make things right with Jasper and I before he left. I still didn't want to go back to Texas just to get shipped right back home. I knew that sooner rather than later, Jasper was going to get deployed again and I didn't want to have to deal with going back and forth. Call me selfish but I just couldn't handle it all over again.
The next morning I woke up early and made Jasper breakfast in bed. He deserved it after having to deal with me and my insanity for the past few months. We ate in a comfortable silence and once the food was gone I started talking.
"Jasper, I need to apologize for being so bitchy with you. Before you tell me not to apologize and say that I had every reason to feel this way, I have to tell you that I do have to apologize and I had no right. I know that we lost something together and that's how we should handle it, together. I shut you out because it hurt too much to deal with it. I'm so, so sorry!"
By then the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop them. Jasper wrapped his arms around me and just held me as I cried. He whispered his own apologies and told me that no matter what he would always love me and always be there for me. We spent the rest of the morning in bed talking. It was exactly what we both needed.
All too soon it was time for Jasper to leave. We said our goodbyes at home and he promised to call me when he got to Texas. The months flew by while he was gone. Either I would fly out to see him or he would fly out to see me. We talked as often as possible and then the time came. He had gotten his new orders and was being deployed again. I was more prepared this time around and willed myself to be strong. He got two weeks leave before he deployed and we spent almost every moment of it together. The second day he was home we went to the tattoo shop and got matching tattoos of our little Benjamin's tiny foot prints. He got his on his chest over his heart and I got mine on my back on my shoulder. They both had Benjamin's name and the day he came into this world and left it just as quickly. That tattoo helped us both heal just a little bit more.
The night before Jasper left I almost lost it. Everyone with a significant other in the service will tell you that sometimes you just get these feelings, and you just know things aren't gonna go right. I was having one of these feelings. I had to go for a walk so that I didn't let him see me this way. I was scared out of my mind that I would get a phone call or that I would get the knock on my door to tell me that my Jasper was dead. I finally was able to calm myself down and head back home. Jasper didn't need to see me this way. He had enough to worry about and I didn't need him to worry about me too.
When I got back home Jasper was waiting for me on the porch.
"You okay darlin'?" he asked concerned. "I'm better." I quietly replied. "Want to talk about it?" he asked those five words that I both loved and hated. But right now I just couldn't, so I said, "Not really, I just want to enjoy my time with you." I smiled up at him and he wrapped his arms around me. We just stood there holding each other for a while. We didn't need to speak, he knew what I was thinking and I knew that he was silently telling me that it was all going to be ok.
Jasper left the next day and we started our slow dance of phone calls, emails, and Skype. He had been gone for two months and was told that this deployment was going to be a short turnaround. I was ecstatic that I only had to wait a few more months before he was home! I woke up one morning to a phone call and a bad feeling. My mom came rushing into my room and handed me the phone. My heart sank and I almost passed out. All I heard was, "shot twice, "medevac'd to Germany," "critical condition," "and you should get here as soon as possible." I threw whatever I could into a bag and was out of the house in three minutes with my mom hot on my heels. I made it to the airport in record time and caught the first flight out. I spent the whole flight worried out of my mind and just kind of zoned out. Before I knew it, we were landing and I was grabbing my carry on and rushing out of the airport. I flagged down the first taxi I saw and made my way to Landstuhl Regional Medical Center (LRMC), made it through security and was running into the hospital. They paged someone for me and then a doctor came out to meet me.
"Swan, Bella, Soon to be Mrs. Whitlock," I was so flustered I couldn't speak correctly. "Just call me Bella. Is he ok? Can I see him?"
The doctor gave me an amused expression and said, "Well Ms. Bella, Jasper was on patrol and they came under heavy fire. He made sure all his men were safe before he started to pull away. On his way out of the heavy fire he came across a wounded soldier and pulled him to safety. Unfortunately there was no one to watch his six and he took a shot to the left shoulder and another to the right leg. We were able to stabilize him enough for transfer and once he arrived we immediately took him to surgery. It looked as though he wasn't going to make it. You have a very lucky fiancée, Ms. Swan! His GSW to the shoulder was clean and through and through. His leg was a little more difficult. The bullet skimmed a main artery but didn't puncture it. Had it been a few centimeters over, I'm afraid your fiancée would have lost the ability to give you children."
I gasped in shock and put my hand to my mouth. My eyes were blurry with unshed tears and I asked, "Can I see him?" He smiled warmly at me and replied, "Of course Ms. Swan. He should be waking up soon." I was so relieved that the doctor thought that he was going to be okay. "Thank you so much Doctor…" he extended his hand and replied, "Smith, James Smith." I took his hand and gratefully shook it, "Thank you so much for everything Doctor Smith. I can't tell you how relieved I am." He gave me a kind smile and said, "Let's get you to that fiancée of yours! Apparently the whole time they were trying to stabilize him all he was saying was 'Izzy is gonna be so mad at me.'" We both laughed at that and he led me into a recovery room.
When I saw him, the unshed tears finally fell. I could hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and the fact that it was beating steadily on its own brought me comfort. Doctor Smith left after a moment and told me that if I needed anything just to push the nurses button. I slowly made my way into the room and pulled up a chair next to his bed. I sat there and just stared at him for a moment. His leg and shoulder were bandaged as well as tiny cuts and gashes all over his body. I carefully grabbed his hand and held it firmly in my own. His hand tightened around my own and I felt comfort in knowing that he knew I was there.
Exhaustion had finally caught up with me and I couldn't fight it anymore. I fell asleep holding Jaspers hand and woke up a few hours later when I felt him move. I sat up quickly and watched his eyes flutter open and let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. He was awake, he was alive! I stood up and sat on his bed and ran my hand along the side of his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. I held back the tears and whispered, "Hey baby". He responded with, "Are you mad at me?" I couldn't help but laugh. "Of course I'm mad at you! You broke your promise that I would never get THAT phone call. But I'm so relieved that you are alive and that we can still have kids that I'll let it go, THIS time!" I laughed. "What do you mean still have kids?" he asked curiously. I told him I would go get the doctor and have him explain and told him not to move a muscle while I was gone. The last thing I needed was for him to think he was Rambo and try to get out of bed and tear something, which is entirely probable considering it was Jasper.
I went to the nurses' station and told them that Jasper was awake and they said the doctor should be in within a few minutes. I walked back to the room with a huge smile on my face, he was safe. I walked in and took my seat at the side of the bed and told him the doctor would be in shortly. He tried to keep up conversation but he was exhausted and started to drift. A few minutes later the doctor came in and checked his vitals and his dressings. He filled Jasper in on what had happened. When the doctor had told him that he almost lost his testicles he turned white as a sheet and his hand automatically went down to make sure they were still there. We spent two weeks in Germany and then got the all clear to go stateside where Jasper would resume his physical therapy. I was so happy to have him with me and that we were heading home!
After a very long flight and a short drive, we were pulling into the driveway. Now, these military men are big, tough, and strong. That is until they get injured and then they turn into three year olds. Trying to get Jasper the hundred feet from the driveway to the house was worse than trying to chase a child in a toy store. Once we were finally in the house he insisted on using the restroom alone and almost fell over. Then as I was unpacking he hopped his way into the bedroom and without thinking, threw himself on the bed on his injured shoulder. The scream that fell from his lips was equivalent to that of a five year old girl. I felt bad for laughing because I knew he was in pain but I just couldn't help it. I finally got his travel clothes off and his jammies on and put him to bed. I wasn't tired so I started to do some laundry and got a chance to catch up with my mom. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her until I was in her arms and getting the best mom hug I could ever imagine. We sat down on the couch and talked for a while. I let out the tears that I had been holding and just as I was starting to fall asleep on the couch I heard Jasper scream and I booked it to our room.
I thought maybe he had rolled over the wrong way but he was just as I had left him. He was remembering, and all I could do was sit there and wait until he woke up. Waking someone up who has PTSD is probably one of the worst things you could ever do. I learned that they have to ride it out and wake up on their own and then you can comfort and reassure them, and that's what I did. About five minutes later Jasper woke up panting and looking around. He couldn't sit up and he really wanted to so I walked over to him and helped him. He wrapped his good arm around me, laid his head on my shoulder and just relaxed into me. I wrapped my arms around him and soothingly rubbed his back until his breathing started to even out. I shakily asked him, "You wanna talk about it?" he shook his head and asked me to lay down with him. I agreed and within minutes we were both sound asleep and slept peacefully throughout the night.
When I woke up the next morning Jasper was still sleeping. I didn't want to wake him but I remembered that I had left the laundry in the washer and I had to put it in the dryer. I was about to get up and then I noticed all of the neatly stacked piles of clothes and thanked God for my amazing mother. Without another thought I rolled over and fell into a wonderful dreamless sleep. When I finally woke up Jasper was sitting up in bed looking down at me. I rubbed my eyes and asked what time it was and was shocked that it was three in the afternoon. His first physical therapy appointment wasn't until tomorrow so we had the rest of the day to catch up with everyone.
Jaspers parents came over for an early dinner and they were elated to see their son. Esme and Carlisle both gave their son a once over and told them how proud they were of him. Esme was reluctant to leave but I reassured her that we were just three doors down and she could call and come over whenever she wanted. They finally left and we quickly retreated back to our bedroom and fell asleep just as quickly as the night before. It was a peaceful sleep and we woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. I helped Jasper bathe and got him ready for lunch. We were meeting everyone at our favorite diner and then headed to physical therapy. Once we got to the diner door Jasper grabbed my arm, I looked back to see a panicked look on his face. "Please Izzy," he said in a whisper, "don't make me go in there." I thought he was looking forward to seeing our friends so I was confused. I had to ask, "What's wrong Jasper?" he put his head down, as if shameful and replied, "I don't want them to see me like this."
Then it clicked, he was afraid of their reaction. Not only were there the gunshot wounds but there were deep red scars all over his face, neck, arms, and almost the rest of him. They looked angry, and because of that, they made him sad. I understood and headed back to the car with him. I sent a text to everyone telling them that Jasper wasn't feeling well and that we would all get together when he was feeling up to it. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said that he just wanted to drive until the appointment. I started the car and we just drove. No words were spoken, but I knew that we would be okay when he reached over and held my hand.
As the weeks flew by Jasper finally reached a place of comfort. He had been to see a therapist, against his wishes, and it had helped more than he and I thought possible. After his first session he was finally able to see our friends and not feel ashamed. The scars started to lighten and he was doing extremely well at physical therapy. He had a moment of complete self loathing and just plain refused to do anything. I tried to be understanding because I knew that he was going through something I would never understand. But when he stopped eating, I had had enough. It had been two days and he refused to eat, drink, talk, or shower. All he wanted to do was sleep and stay in our room with the curtains and the door closed. It was driving me crazy and call me a bitch, but something had to be done. After he refused breakfast on the third day I marched my ass into our room and threw the curtains open. He sat up and was getting ready to yell at me but I beat him to it. "You listen and you listen good Jasper Whitlock. I WILL NOT have you like this. I know I don't understand and I don't get it, I never will. But I cannot and will not live a life like this. I can't help you if you WON'T help yourself. I refuse to be your wife if this is the man that I have to wake up and fall asleep to every day. You were shot, you are not paralyzed. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass up. You need to eat and you need to shower, you smell. The only way you're going to get back over there, which is what I know that you want, is to go to physical therapy and start letting people in again. If you don't think that you can do that for me, then do it for yourself. Decide quickly, because I can't take much more. You still have your room at your parents; decide if you need to use it."
With that, I took off my ring and threw it on the bed. I knew that it was mean and harsh, but I meant what I said. I refused to live my life that way. I wanted children and there was no way that I was going to have children with a man that was miserable. I sat at the dining room table for what felt like hours, but was really only about five minutes, when Jasper walked out of our room. He sat down on my left side, took my hand in his and slipped my ring back on. I let out the breath I was holding and let the tears of relief fall. Jasper brushed the tears off my cheeks and said, "Please don't ever take this off again. I love you so much it hurts and the thought of not being with you makes me want to vomit. I'm sorry that I've been so difficult. I just have a lot that I need to work out. I promise that I am not going anywhere and that you are my forever. Please don't ever doubt how much you mean to me." Then he kissed me like his life depended on it until we couldn't breathe. We sat there with our foreheads together until he finally said, "I'm starving darlin, feed me!" I couldn't help it, I laughed.
A few nights later we both had fallen asleep early. I woke up thirsty so I took a sip of the water on my night stand and then lay back down snuggled into Jasper. I moved my hand down his chest and to my side and in the process I brushed Jaspers erection. I looked up and saw that he was still asleep so I figured he must be having a pretty great dream! Then I realized just how long it had been since we were together and at that moment all I wanted was to make love to my fiancé. I moved down the bed and gently removed Jaspers hardened length from his pajama bottoms and stroked a few times before finally taking him in my mouth. Instinctually Jaspers hips lifted a little and a moan escaped his mouth. Then suddenly his eyes flew open and he looked at me looking at him as I lick him from base to tip. He threw his head back and let out a growl. A soft and tight "fuck" left his lips and I smiled as I worked knowing it was because of me that he was feeling his pleasure. After a few minutes he told me to stop and undress, so I did as was told! He guided my body where he wanted it and I soon found myself sitting on his face and before I had a chance to say anything his mouth was on me.
I felt his hands ghost up my thighs and then around to my ass where he squeezed and pulled me harder onto his mouth. I was lost in my pleasure as I felt his tongue probing in and out. He tilted my hips a little and then I felt him sucking, nipping, and licking my clit and that was all that it took to send me over the blissful edge. He slowly, lavishly moved his tongue up and down my swollen bundle of nerves as I came down from one of the best orgasms of my life. I carefully moved down his body and kissed him with everything in me. As we were making out I grabbed his cock in my hand and stroked a few times before lining him up with my entrance and lowering down. I was gentle at first but then I started getting into it. I looked at Jaspers face and what I thought was pleasure, turned out to be a lot of pain. Jaspers leg wound was getting hit by my fat ass and he didn't say anything. I stopped and leaned into his face and asked him what was wrong. He tried to brush it off but I knew better. "Baby, tell me what's wrong" he let out a tiny whimper that sounded like a wounded dog. I held in the laugh and he thought it best if we switched positions. So he put me on my back, lined himself up and ever so slowly started to thrust. I was in heaven! He put his face in my neck and started to kiss that sweet spot that I loved so much. I felt him suck in a deep breath and then felt wetness on my neck. I grabbed his face and saw that he was crying. I rolled him on his back and was genuinely concerned. I thought maybe I had hit him or something. I kept asking him what was wrong and he threw his uninjured arm over his face and tried to stop crying. Once he calmed down he finally spoke in a soft petulant voice, "I'm upset because I can't make love to you. It hurts to be on the bottom and it hurts to put pressure on my arm when I'm on top. I just want to fuck you, hard! And I can't. I feel worthless." Then I couldn't help it, I laughed. "Baby, I want the same thing but I know I have to be patient. You were patient with me; let me be patient for you. Just because we can't do what we are used to doesn't mean we can't find new ways. But in the mean time…" I wrapped my hand around his softening flesh and felt it start to grow in my hands. I brought him to the edge and pulled back a few times before I finally let him release in my mouth. The look on his face was priceless and I smiled knowing that it was me that did that but more importantly that I was the only person that he ever wanted to do that to him. We both fell asleep with smiles on our faces.
We eventually did find positions that worked for us and we used them, often! Jasper completed his physical therapy and was in fine form when he made the decision to go back overseas. I knew it was going to happen but it didn't make it any easier. We spent the rest of his leave together and even made a trip to Disneyland. The time finally came for him to leave and I held it together as best I could. I put a letter in his pack that he could read on the plane and once the tears stopped I rushed home and found the one he had left on my bed.
Hey everyone! Well, I know its been forever and I pretty much left everyone hanging for the better part of a year. I'm really really REALLY sorry. The muses decided to pack up and run and I have had a complicated year. I tried to write but everything that came out was complete crap. I must have written this chapter about 30 times. I'm not going to make any false promises of updating every week but I will be updating more frequently then once a year lol BIG HUGE THANK YOU SHOUT OUT to my beta/bff/estrella/asslove for life (she knows what that means lol), kick ass pre reader starryeyedauthor! She kicks ass and keeps me in check lol She's just starting her first fic and its pretty awesome! Check it out when you get a chance! Reviews make me happy so hit that button and let me know what you think! See you guys next chapter!