I actually wrote this fic when I myself was drunk. I simply cleaned it up a bit a decided to post it.
It's not the best thing I've ever written, but I seemed to enjoy writing it in my drunken stupor. Anyway, you should expect a lot of crack in this fic. It was originally intended to be soley Xanxus x Squalo, but I ended up putting strong implications of 6918, 8059 and a littlle of Bel x Fran. I just couldn't help myself.
It should also be noted that my friend was the inspiration for this fic. From what I remember, she kept going on about sex as we kept downing drink after drink. She also gave me ideas for a lot of the dialogue.
I don't own KHR
Drink, Drank, Drunk
Xanxus officially hated Sawada Tsunayoshi. Sure, he had thought that he hated him before, during the ring battle but now! Well, now he just plain despised the kid. It was as if the young Vongola invited him to that damned party just to mock him, just to rub it all in.
The party was one celebrating the fact that Tsuna had just become the official Decimo that he was trained to become.
So yeah, Xanxus was not amused. Not amused at all.
He had only gone to the stupid party because of the promise of expensive and very alcoholic wine. Naturally, where Xanxus went, the Varia went. All of them, dressed to the nines in uncomfortable suits (looking rather intimidating with their respective weapons), followed their leader, most of them happy to have an excuse to cause some trouble. Yes, they believed that a party was the best place to make some chaos.
Lussuria, who had his dark shirt mostly unbuttoned and a red feather boa flitting about him, strutted straight towards Ryohei in a vain attempt to flirt with the oblivious boxer. Bel had bounded off to annoy a certain Strom Guardian with Fran trailing behind him, claiming that he had nothing better to do. Obviously, Levi had decided to stalk his boss to the bar, ready to bite anyone who got too close. Yes, he would bite them. As for Squalo, well, he was standing in the door shouting almost incoherent words as his sword had gotten stuck in a wall and he couldn't seem to get it out. Nobody really paid any attention to him, since they had learnt to tune the overly loud swordsman out.
The party was supposed to be normal but, considering the guests, it was anything but. Ryohei and Gokudera had soon gotten into an argument over who could tolerate the most alcohol and somehow, after getting his sword unstuck, roped Squalo into a drinking game. He wasn't even a part of the argument!
Anyway, with Rokudo Mukuro as their referee (despite the fact that he had already gotten a little tipsy himself), they started the game.
A lot of people began to join the game, Ryohei and Lussuria, Yamamoto (who, for some strange reason, believed the alcohol to be juice) and Bel. Fran, who seemed to be tagging along to wherever Bel went, had decided to help the drunken Mukuro referee. Well, he basically took over the role because Mukuro was probably out drinking them all.
'It's just so hot,' Lussuria slurred giddily, slipping his shirt off in a sultry way.
Yamamoto nodded and began fanning himself with his hand. 'Haha, yeah,' he laughed, nodding vigorously. 'I'm thinking that it's these thinks…uh, things.' He pointed to the drinks, almost accusingly. 'They're like…so…cool…'
Bel laughed loudly, unable to stop and unable to talk. He seemed to be a very giggly drunk.
'Voi…you guys,' Squalo mumbled, his hair covering his eyes messily, '…you guys are fucking great.' He lifted his head up and moved to scratch his cheek, only succeeding in stabbing his sword in the bottom of the table. 'I-I mean…you guys drink…gooooood wine…'
'Wine?' Yamamoto asked, raising a brow lazily before looking at his drink of his supposed juice. 'No, no, no, haha. This isn't wine.' He lifted his glass up high, as if he was inspecting it in the light.
'Are you nothing short of retarded?' Gokudera asked, his nose reddening slightly because of the intoxication. Yamamoto laughed an unnecessary laugh and tossed back another glass of alcohol.
'Woah...' Ryohei said suddenly, earning everyone's attention. 'They're so…pretty. To the extreme…' He reached out a bandaged hand to touch one of the floating pineapples.
'Is that…' Squalo began, narrowing his eyes and peering at the hovering fruit.
All eyes turned to Mukuro.
He was giggling (yes, giggling) as illusionary pineapples danced around his head. 'I'm with my own kind,' he declared happily, his unfocused eyes swerving about the place as he caused more pineapples to spring out of nowhere.
That was about the time Xanxus decided to join them. He slumped down next to Yamamoto and the stone cold sober Fran as he stole Bel's drink, downing it in one gulp.
'Haha,' laughed the baseball fanatic, pointing at the pineapples that still flittered about. His eyes glazed over and he slammed his hands on the table. 'I…I need to pee.'
The whole table stared at him as he casually stood up and stumbled over to the bathrooms, patting an irritated Gokudera on the head as he did. Bel giggled and slung an arm around Fran, almost as if he needed to do it to stay seated without falling. The stoic frog look-a-like just rolled his eyes, declared the drinking game to be over and muttered something about sobering his sempai up before he took Bel away from the table.
'Ooh, it's getting heated now,' Lussuria cooed, rubbing his feather boa seductively around his neck and winking at Ryohei, who had passed out, slamming his head on the table as he lost consciousness. Honestly, Lussuria was just the same drunk as he was sober which was actually pretty worrying.
'Striping's…' Xanxus glared, skulking over his drink as the shirtless Lussuria flung his boa away dramatically 'striping's for trash.' He pointed at Squalo, who looked like he wanted to throw up. 'You are trash.'
Mukuro laughed, the numerous pineapples surrounding his head suddenly disappearing. 'You totally implied sexual things just now,' he slurred, smirking smugly.
Squalo groaned, totally oblivious to the conversation.
'Sexual…things…' the Varia's boss murmured. He glared at Mukuro. 'Explain.'
Mukuro paused, as if he had forgotten what they were talking about, before shaking his head and smiling. 'You said striping is for trash,' he said happily, smirking a goofy smirk. 'And you said that's he's trash so technically that implies that…that you want him to strip!' He leant back in his chair, seemingly proud of his little explanation.
Xanxus rubbed the back of his head. 'Well…when you put it like that…'
He glared at the pineapple headed man, wanting to put a few holes in him with his guns. Lussuria giggled and snuggled up to the unconscious Ryohei, suddenly getting very clingy.
'So what you're saying…' Gokudera muttered, lifting a curious finger, 'is that that flamey gun guy…wants the shark guy…to strip…?'
'Yes,' Mukuro answered, 'yes I am.'
Lussuria lifted himself up from Ryohei's sleeping form, an excited smile on his face. 'Ooh, I could get into that!' He nudged Squalo suggestively, who seemed to only just realize what was going on.
The shark looked up, his eyes half-lidded as he stared around. He seemed to have forgotten where he actually was. The drink in his hand automatically made its way to his mouth. He hiccupped, before slumping against Xanxus, which was quite the feat, considering that the Varia boss was sitting all the way across the table.
Gokudera grunted and nodded. 'So, you two are together then?'
'Yeah, they are,' Lussuria sighed, resting his chin on his clasped hands. 'Boss and Squ-chan make great bum-buddies.'
Mukuro spluttered, spewing his drink across the table inelegantly. 'Kufufu, "bum-buddies",' he quoted, laughing childishly at the phrase.
Suddenly, an umbrella came flying out of nowhere, piercing the table and splintering it heavily.
'An umbrella…?' Gokudera muttered, clearly not impressed.
Levi popped up from whatever corner he was hiding in and pounced on Squalo, roaring in jealousy. 'Leave the boss alone!' he barked, totally sober.
Even though Squalo was completely drunk, he still managed to beat the hell out of the Xanxus-obsessed lackey. He stomped on Levi's head, murmuring something in Italian. Soon, the interruption was knocked out and Squalo heavily sat back down on his chair.
'What 'bout him?' Gokudera asked, nodding at the bleeding idiot on the floor. He seemed to be very curious for a drunken person.
Xanxus grunted and kicked Levi's stomach. 'Dunno why he's in the Varia,' he admitted.
'He makes a great bitch,' Squalo commented, coughing slightly as he tried to talk while drinking. 'To you anyway.'
'You're my fucking bitch,' Xanxus slurred, waving his hand.
Mukuro chuckled. 'Hmm, so I supposed you're the bottom then,' he said to Squalo, not noticing the irrelevance.
'I'm the bottom,' Gokudera declared randomly, not entirely aware of what he was saying.
The other people at the table stared at him.
'Well…' Mukuro said hesitantly, 'that's very…honest of you.'
'It depends on who I'm with,' Lussuria admitted before turning his gaze to Ryohei. 'But I'd bottom for him any time.' Squalo, for some strange reason, looked very interested in their drunken conversation.
'Who do you bottom for?' he asked Gokudera.
'Who'd you think?' Gokudera replied, hitching a thumb in the direction Yamamoto went in before pressing a finger to his lips. 'But shhh, it's a secret.'
'Oh dear, you know you just told a secret to four people who could very well use it against you,' Lussuria exclaimed, petting Gokudera on the head.
He genuinely looked confused, like he had forgotten about it already. 'I did?'
'And what about you?' Squalo questioned Mukuro, gulping down another drink.
'Ooh,' Mukuro chuckled, 'you think I bottom? Kufufu, now that's not right!'
Xanxus snorted. 'But you're so fucking girly looking, trash,' he scoffed, reaching over to pull at Mukuro's long, indigo hair. 'And I'm sure I've seen you wearing a skirt before.'
'Oya…you must be mistaking me for my dear, dear, d-dear Chrome,' Mukuro said, rather knowingly for someone who was drunk. 'Either that, or you caught me at a bad time.'
'So,' Gokudera said, a smirk on his reddened face, 'you admit to wearing female clothing.'
'Well, I won't deny it.'
The table fell silent.
'So, who'd you top then?' Squalo asked, somewhat fascinated with everyone's sex life.
Mukuro smirked. 'Why, Kyoya, of course.'
'No fucking way,' Gokudera gaped. 'You've been topping the bastard? How'd you manage that?'
'I have my ways…' the illusionist said, waggling his fingers in what he believed to be a mysterious way.
'…No really, how'd you do it.'
'Persistence,' Mukuro said with a nod.
Gokudera tilted his head to the side. 'Ah, that makes sense.'
Xanxus raised a finger. 'Wait a fucking second,' he said loudly, 'is this "Kyoya" guy that fucking kid who makes everyone his bitch?'
Mukuro nodded. 'Yes.'
'Hm, I always thought he was asexual,' Squalo muttered, earning himself nods of agreement from the rest of the table.
'Well, I think you have very good taste, Muku-chan,' Lussuria sang, once again draping himself over the unconscious Ryohei. 'Any chance we could get together for a threesome?'
Mukuro seemed to mull it over for a moment before shaking his head. 'No, not you,' he said after a minute. It did, however, sound like he hadn't completely dismissed the idea of a threesome with someone.
'Wait a minute,' Gokudera said after almost drowning himself in his drink before pointing at Xanxus, 'you're with the shark?' He didn't seem to realize that they had passed this part of the conversation earlier on.
Xanxus scoffed and, for his answer, grabbed Squalo around the waist and dragged him to his lap. The swordsman didn't even seem to notice that he was getting groped in front of everyone. Hell, he probably thought that Xanxus was the freaking chair.
'Kufufu, I bet he's a screamer.'
'He keeps the whoooole castle up at night,' Lussuria sighed, somewhat enviously as he watched Xanxus feel Squalo up in the seat.
'Can…can anyone else feel something…?' Squalo muttered, obviously the drunkest out of the five. He looked around before his gaze landed on Xanxus. He scrutinized his boss, as if he was deciding something. '…Wait a fucking minute…you're not a chair.'
And promptly fell off of his seat.
The people at the table stared at him.
'You OK, dear?' Lussuria asked.
'He's fine,' Gokudera muttered. He stood up, suddenly deciding to leave. 'Why am I even hanging around you guys anyway? I don't even like you!'
'VOI,' Squalo suddenly yelled from his perch on Xanxus' lap. 'Fine, be like that, bitch!' He tried to wave his sword about, only managing to get it stuck in the table again and falling to join Mukuro on the floor.
'Now isn't this entertaining,' Mukuro chuckled, rolling over to face Squalo, giggling madly.
Squalo stared at him as if he was a piece of gum at the bottom of his boot.
Needless to say, their table had captured the attention of most of the party guests, who were staring at the scene in amusement and/or disgust. They had never expected to see those five (four now that Gokudera had left them to keep what little he had left of his dignity) talking to each other so casually.
Naturally, the four at the table ignored the onlookers.
'So,' Squalo asked from the floor, not bothering to get up, 'what 'bout you Big Mama Luss.' Lussuria looked down at the floored shark, raising a brow at the strange name Squalo had given him.
'Oh,' he stroked Ryohei's back in a perverted way, 'I keep hoping.'
Mukuro's pineapple topped head suddenly appeared above the table. 'I'm sorry to burst your bubble,' he said, accidentally falling back down to the floor, 'but the Sun Guardian seems to prefer the female gender.'
Lussuria froze and looked over at Mukuro's goofy face. 'That…that can't be true.'
Squalo nodded. 'Ye-yeah,' he agreed, 'I saw him with that chick…what's her face…?'
'Hana,' Mukuro provided.
'Yeah, that Hana lady.'
Lussuria bolted up, pushing his chair away with the backs of his knees. 'No!' His usual, happy-go-lucky, yet pretty perverted personality suddenly dropped and he rushed off to find this 'Hana' girl, planning to fight her for Ryohei's love.
'Voi…I've gotta see this,' Squalo mumbled. He tried to pull himself up, scrambling about on the floor as he tried to stand. 'Or maybe I'll just stay here.'
'While you're down there…' Xanxus began in an uncharacteristically suggestive way, only to be cut off.
'Fuck no,' Squalo growled. He poked his non-artificial hand up and felt around on the table for some more alcohol, making a Voi of victory when he found a bottle. He took a long gulp of the wine before passing it to Mukuro, who accepted it eagerly.
Then a sudden thought came to Xanxus. 'Oi, pineapple brain,' he called, kicking Mukuro in the arm. 'Who the fuck are you?'
'I don't know who you are,' he said. 'You just came here and started drinking with us.'
Mukuro paused. 'You're absolutely right,' he said before thrusting his hand upwards in a failed attempt to shake with Xanxus. 'I am Rokudo M-Mukuro…the real Mist Guardian.'
'You're the fucker who beat Mammon,' Xanxus accused, recalling the ring battled.
'Yes I am.'
The three fell silent.
'You know,' Squalo said, once again breaking it, 'I'm sure there were more of us.'
Mukuro lifted his head ever so slightly. 'My God…where has everyone gone?'
Xanxus blinked and looked around.
Obviously, they had not noticed that the other members of their little drinking table had left.
'I'm seeing fucking double,' Xanxus suddenly said, staring at Mukuro before looking up warily. He pulled out his gun, wanting to try and shoot his double vision away.
'Uh, Mukuro-sama,' Chrome muttered, kneeling down besides Mukuro.
'Holy shit,' Squalo exclaimed, 'I see it too!' He waved his sword around uselessly in Chrome's direction.
'…Sin-since when did I have a clone…?' Mukuro muttered, moving his hand upward to pull Chrome's hair. 'Wait a moment…oh, I get it.' He turned to Squalo. 'It's an illusion! It's got to be!'
Squalo and Xanxus nodded. 'Explains it…' Xanxus murmured.
'Mukuro-sama,' Chrome tried again, sounding almost desperate.
'VOOOII,' Squalo yelled. 'I remember you, woman!' Chrome looked up at the drunken silver-haired man, feeling slightly awkward for being there. 'You're that one that was there when pineapple head beat the little brat for the ring in that battle in that gym place but you weren't that good and your stomach completely deflated and…you're a fucking inflatable doll.'
Xanxus scoffed and kicked Mukuro's arm again. 'Fucking dirty bastard,' he muttered. 'Using a shitty inflatable doll.'
Mukuro scratched his head as he peered at Chrome. 'I don't recall…wait a moment, I'll ask Kyoya,' he said, before lifting his head up once again. 'Oya, KYOYA~!'
Hibari turned his head to glare at Mukuro, who was waving his hand vigorously.
'Kyoya, Kyoya,' he called drunkenly. 'When did we get this inflatable doll?' Hibari's face twisted from a glare into a full-fledged scowl. Chrome simply resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands.
'That's your freaking puppet, herbivore,' he snapped, turning away from his embarrassing bed buddy.
'You're a fucking puppeteer?' Squalo asked, turning to Mukuro.
'Apparently so…' Mukuro muttered. Suddenly, realization dawned on him. 'Oh my, I apologize, my dear Chrome! My lovely Chrome, Chrome-chan…-chwan…' He sat up abruptly; knocking the bottle of wine he was holding to one side and pulling Chrome into a stupefying, bone crushing hug.
'Ah, Mukuro-sama,' she exclaimed as she was pulled forward. 'Hibari-san told me to take you home.'
'So he does care~!' Mukuro sang, chuckling insanely as Chrome helped him up off the floor, straining under the drunken weight. 'I wanna go home with Kyoya-chaaaan.'
'Yes, Mukuro-sama, Hibari-san is coming home with you.'
Squalo poked Xanxus' leg and nodded towards Mukuro. 'He's getting' some tonight.'
Xanxus snorted and threw back another glass of wine before throwing his glass at one of the waiter-like people who were scurrying back and forth from their table to the bar to provide them with as much wine as they asked for.
The two watched as Hibari punched Mukuro in the face, easily knocking him out before unceremoniously dragging him out of the room, mumbling something about stupid parties and herbivores.
'And then there were two,' Squalo murmured.
Xanxus grunted and, instead of using the new wine glass that he had been provided with, simply tipped the contents of the bottle in his mouth. He had gotten to the point now that he couldn't be bothered to talk and only used groans and grunts to reply.
Silence fell over the two and it seemed that the guests that had been looking at them had dispersed, figuring that the fun was over. They could just see Bel attempt to rape Fran in his intoxication, and the frog was saying something that sounded suspiciously like: 'Not here, sempai, there's too many people.'
Squalo snorted and tried to scramble to his feet, only succeeding in slamming his head against the underside of the table. 'VOOOOOOIIIIIIII!'
Everyone immediately turned to a very distressed Squalo.
'I've got fucking gum in my hair!' he roared, yanking the silver strands that were blotted with pink chewing gum.
'How the hell'd you do that, idiot?' Gokudera asked from his seat on top of a random table.
Squalo ignored him. 'Who even eats gum anyway?' he yelled at the guests, who looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. 'We're the fucking Mafifa…Mafier…Mafia, we're not supposed to eat gum! And what was it d-doing under the table? Who actually does that these days?!'
He staggered to his feet, only to fall onto a frisky looking Xanxus.
It was not often anyone would associate the word 'frisky' with 'Xanxus', but that was what he looked like at that moment. It was a very frightening expression. Yamamoto nearly wet himself, despite the fact he had just gone to do his business. Perhaps that was the alcohol though.
Everyone in the room turned to look away because, really, none of them (with the exception of perhaps Haru) wanted to see Xanxus grope a very oblivious, drunken Squalo.
In fact, anyone who looked at him could compare his face to that of a perverts and get a pretty good match.
Everyone hoped that they would not remember the perverted Xanxus in the morning.
Squalo didn't even seem to notice when Xanxus dragged him away. He didn't realize what was going on until he was thrown to a bed (most likely Tsuna's) and jumped on by his boss. Well, he did have an excuse to be oblivious. That chewing gum in his hair wasn't going to come out by itself.
Back in the main room, Tsuna gaped at the direction Xanxus had pulled Squalo, wanting to plug his ears as he heard very 'adult' noises coming from the general area of his bedroom.
He shuddered, made a mental note not to go into his room and vowed to never let his Family play a drinking game ever again.
'VOOOOOIIIII, FUCK ME!'
...Maybe he'd just burn all the alcohol instead.
It seemed a lot more sophisticated in my head...
Anyway, I suppose that I chose those characters to be in a drinking circle because, well, they don't all exactly get on. I assumed that it would be amusing to write about people who never really talked to get drunk together...
Well, It was fun to write anyway.