Title: Mindless Ponderings of a Big Bad Gone Soft

Author: A.J. Hofacre

Email: acer922_104@yahoo.com

Subject: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Rating: PG-13 because of Spike's potty mouth. Hehe.

Summary: Spike's just spent the night with Buffy on her porch, after the events of "Fool For Love." Now, he's back in his crypt, and wondering how [not to mention why] everything that's happened so far this year came to happen.

Spoilers: some season two spoilers, and includes some from "Something Blue," "Out Of My Mind," as well as some of the events in "Fool For Love."

Disclaimers: I've done this before. You know the drill. I don't own any of the characters. They all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc., UPN, and FOX. Yes, Spike too. ::pouts::

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Why'd this have to happen? Why me? What... the FUCK did I do to end up like this?

Fucking dream was real. Too real. Nearly gave me a bleeding heart attack. Well, it would have if my heart could beat. Still, I was scared out of my wits, an' I was waitin', just WAITIN' for fuckin' Harmony to fuckin' wake up when I woke.

Why? Why'd this happen to me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why, I mean... WHY? Jesus H. Christ, I can't stop with the fuckin' why's!

HOW is it fucking POSSIBLE for me to be in love with the fuckin' SLAYER?

The bitch annoys me half-to-life! Stupid stuck-up cunt, I want her DEAD! If it wasn't for the bleedin' piece of scrap metal in my head, she WOULD be... uh, might be...

Maybe not.

Oh... Bloody hell!

Christ, the only things I live for anymore are killin' things, annoying her, annoying Grandpapa (not that he's actually come back long enough fer me to get a coupla good shots in), and terrorizing that namby-pamby Harris. Since I got "put down" so to speak, I haven't been able to do much else. Killin' demons is the only way I kin get my kills in now.

Dammit. I can't kill humans with the bloody chip in my head, I find out I can hurt demons, so I provide a lil' extra muscle when Summers an' her bloody Scoobies need it. I get to be known as a traitor in the demon world, none of 'em trust me. I start workin' full time for the Slayer, but her an' her little pals don't fuckin' trust me either! A fella just can NOT win!

Y'know, it's her bloody fault. All of it is, I swear. If her an' Army Boy Captain Cock Up His Arse hadn't of come bargin' in on me an' Harm when I THOUGHT I was gettin' the chip out, I'd of been just fine. Harm coulda turned the good ole doctor, an' I coulda gotten the damn chip out properly. Then, maybe, I coulda killed Buffy and her dick in army garb, and upped my record from two Slayers to three.

Bloody fuckin' hell, I'm callin' her by 'er first name now! It's all HER, Buffy FUCKING Summers! She won't leave me the fuck alone, all I kin think about is her, an' I hate it! I want her to die an' give me peace, but at the same time... I can't stand t' see 'er hurtin'. The thought of anythin' happenin' to 'er kills me.

Like last night. After I went back to the crypt to get my shotgun, I headed over to her house. An' I was dead set and ready to blast 'er head off and dance around in 'er blood fer joy, even with the chip. But then she looked up, tears runnin' down those soft, smooth cheeks... an' I couldn't... I couldn't do it. I didn't want to hurt 'er anymore. I just wanted to see 'er smile.

Altogether now: Spike's turning into a bigger poofter than Angelus.

Anyway. Turns out the Slayer's mum had to spend the night at the hospital. Somethin's in her head, and Buffy's scared shitless. Don't think I've ever seen anyone cry so much. Damn. Right heartbroken, she was. I couldn't help but wonder, though, where the hell White Bread was durin' all this. I'd of figured she'd of called him within seconds of findin' out, but the lamb's poofter deux is nowhere to be found. I would know; I spent the whole evenin' with Buffy on 'er porch, listening to 'er sob, and that bastard was nowhere in sight.

Stupid soddin' wanker.

Back to me. Now, I'm NOT being heartless or nothin', I just wanna get off the topic of last night. Even with the fact that Buffy confided in ME, an' NOT Captain America, what she said long before it still hurt like a mother. But, how was she to know that what she said was the same thing that cunt Cecily said exactly 121 years ago? Still, though. I didn't deserve that. It hurt. Hmph. Bitch.

By the way, you ever wonder what happened to Miss 'Higher Than God Himself?' *evil grin* I was a brand new vampire, with a grudge, some scores to settle, a thirst for blood, and a BIG yen fer evilry. Don't think too hard.

The horror made her extra nummy.

Now, then, where was I? Ah, yes. My dream. Damn, I could still feel those sweet, soft Slayer lips on mine... mmm... Well, you can guess the result of that kiss; well, besides scarin' me off my duff, I mean. The physical result. I mean, I've kissed 'er before. Y'know, when Red went all awry cuz of Wolf Boy. Blimey, it was funny as hell, what with the Watcher blind as a fuckin' bat, and Harris runnin' all over town trying to get away from demons, who somehow kept findin' him. An' I hafta say that being on the ground of a crypt, with Buffy on top of me, making out (until Will zapped us back to normal, that is) was bloody fantastic. Hmm... Buffy's quite the snog. A lil' vixen, she is... Pouty, sexy, sly lil'... whoa, gettin' off track.

Anyway, I had 'er, an' she loved me, an' I loved 'er back. Well, yeah, it was only 'acuz of the spell, but still. I felt it, an' I knew what it was like to be loved by 'er.

I've always thought she was hot. She was definitely more beautiful than the other Slayers I faced. She was smaller than 'em, but bleedin' Christ on a Cross, that chit's tiny lil' hands an' feet packed a helluva whallop. They've knocked me flat on my back more time than I care to admit. She was only 16 when I met 'er, but she was already well on 'er way to being a force to be reckoned with; she was that damn good. 'Course, at the time, her an' Peaches were both all googly-eyed over each other, an' I loved my precious Dru, so nothin' could come of it all.

That didn't stop me from wantin' to fuck her breathless right on the dance floor that first night at the Bronze.

Shit, she was gorgeous. All sleek, an' curvy, an' hot... An' you wonder why I call 'er 'kitten' sometimes. Lil' minx. Hmph, an' she was dancing with that whelp, an' Red. Don't mind the witch so much, she's always been a bit nice to me. Even when I tried to eat 'er last year. Harris, though... always wondered what that PILLOCK had stuck up his ass. Ah, he's alright. Bloody good fun beatin' the blighter at pool, though. Heh.

I'm getting' off topic again. Sorry.

The SECOND I saw 'er, I was hooked. I could barely take my eyes off her. She moved so gracefully, a swan out there in that throng of... oh, bloody hell. Okay, William, back off, you bloody POOF! NO MORE POETRY! Fuck it, the girl just made me hot. I'm surprised I didn't grab 'er, shove 'er down and fuck 'er into oblivion right there. But, like I said, I was with Drusilla. Well, that, an' I was hell-bent on killin' Buffy in the first place.

The way we fought with each other. Shit, have you ever seen that? The only person to EVER turn me on so much from a single fight. Well, fighting in general made me horny, but it was an unbelievable, barely containable desire when the fight was with the Slayer. I can't TELL you how many times I've had to run back to my crypt after getting riled up by a scuffle with her, just to toss off. Damn.

Okay, I've gotta stop that. I have PLENTLY of time to dream of shaggin' Buffy.

I've always wondered about something. Back when Angelus was all 'yeah, go hell on earth' an' was fucking Dru and flaunting it in front of me, I turned to Buffy to stop it all. It was mostly her fault in the first place. As her brat kid sis says, she 'boinked' the ponce an' made him turn into the prick. Still, she was the only one who could stop him an' Dru; she was the only one good enough. She couldn't do much against two Master vampires by herself... But with HER strength and skills... combined with that of another (seriously pissed off) Master vampire... she had every chance of winning.

Okay, so the main reason I turned to 'er was because I hate the poofter an' I wanted Dru back. The second I got Dru to pass out, I took off. I felt a little bad about just leavin' Buffy to deal with Angelus just like that, but Dru was never passed out for long, and if I wanted to get out of Sunnydale, I had to move fast. But lemme tell you, Dru was NOT happy once we got past the North American border. She wouldn't talk to me for a month because I teamed up with the Slayer an' got rid of her precious Angel. Pffft.

Later on, when we were livin' in South America and I found 'er making out with that... ugh... bloody disgusting Chaos demon... ugh. One more inner shudder of absolute disgust, hold on. UGH! Okay, anyway. Dru said somethin' to me.

"I still see her, floating all around you... Laughing!"

She said that I tasted like ashes. She said that... when she looked at me, all that she could see was... Buffy. Something twisted inside of me when she said that. All I kin remember about that conversation was watchin' an' listenin' to Dru an' tryin' as hard as I could not to cry. Oh, don't laugh. This was the woman I LOVED! Fer over ONE HUNDRED YEARS! An' she was leavin' me. Do you KNOW how much that killed me?

Anyway. As crazy as my princess was, as much as she pissed me off at times with her talk of fairies an' stars [I loved Dru, but fer God's sake, crazy people scare me!], she did have a few useful talents. One of 'em as that hypno-eye thingy she'd used when she offed that other Slayer, uh... Kendra, or somethin'. Another was her ability to see future occurrences and to read people's auras right off the bat. An' from what Dru said to me that day, I'd say it was pretty obvious that she knew. She knew I was in love with Buffy before I even had a clue. 'Course, that didn't quite sink into my head at the time. Only reason I came back to SunnyD the first time was because I wanted to kill Buffy. Her and her ponce. Who, by the way, was back to bein' all soulful an' tortured. They'd ruined my life... er, unlife.

I guess in a way, I should be thankful to Dru fer givin' me a hint. I thought Buffy was on my mind because I hated her and wanted her dead. Obviously, Drusilla read underneath our interactions with each other, saw something completely diff'rent.

So, yeah. I'm a chipped-up Master vampire who's in love with the only woman in the world wit the power to kill my kind, who just happens to despise my very existence an' prolly wouldn't think twice about stakin' me. Bah. I don't know what to do. I can't bloody well TELL her. She'd prolly stake me on the spot. Or worse, get that big burlap sack of a boyfriend to do it. An' then there's Harmony. Not that I actually give a damn about that infuriating ditz. You'd think becoming a vampire would make her become more cunning or... wily or sly, or somethin', but she's just plain stupid. She's more of a convenience to me than anythin'.

A coupla things been naggin' me about that dream. First off, why now? Why does my subconscious (or William. Not that there's any difference between the two) decide to let me in on the bloody life-altering fact that I'm in love with the woman sworn to kill me, NOW, of all times?

Second, Buffy apparently 'wanted' me in the dream. Was that tellin' me that she was hidin' feelin's fer me too? Or was that just this fucked-up lil' noggin of mine tryin' to make a balance?

Third, were the Powers That Be just using my unlife to have a good laugh at the poor, neutered vampire's expense? Bah.

Fourth... I was wide open. My shirt was off, an' I was right in front of her. She had a clean shot at stakin' me, she could of done it an' gotten it over with in a second. But she stopped right before she did it. And I'm not the one that stopped her.

So what did?

I wish she didn't hate me. An' I wish things were on our side. I can't stop thinkin' about her. An' I'm jealous of my grand-da', Angelus. I really am. He has somethin' of the blossom's that I could never hope to have. Her love.

Not so jealous of the turd though. She don't love him. Might think she does, but there's nothing between 'em. She's disillusioned. Tryin' to make herself feel somethin' that isn't there with Finn. Anythin'. Just... tryin' to make herself feel.

I want her. I really do. I want her in every way possible. Her heart, her mind, her soul... I wanna feel every bit of her an' know that it's because she loves me in return... I want her love. I wish that higher deities would listen to vampires, but then I remember that it's cuz I'm a DEMON that God doesn't listen. But I truly wish that fer once, he would just grant me this one thing, this one PERSON that I want more than anyone, that I love with more than I ever thought I had in me. That I love more than anyone I've ever loved in my life, or death. I want her love. I'd do anythin' for her love.

That sounds like a Meatloaf song. I'd do anythin' for love... do-do-doo, do- doo-do-doo...

Bloody fuckin' buggery soddin' son of a bitch Powers.