Because the best endings are always new beginnings...

Thank you everyone who has ever laughed at this story, identified with its wackiness, or asked for an update. I'm glad I gave you a smile and I'm grateful you gave me reason to find one myself.


It was Raph who took the page from the back-pocket of a Foot Ninja during a skirmish on the rooftops. He didn't glance at it during the fight, but later, when the turtles had retreated to their lair, remembered it and drew it out. The family gathered around the page eagerly as soon as Raph started to laugh.

New Commands to All Foot Ninja from Your Lord and Master

Casual Fridays will never ever happen. Stop creating comment boxes (that will also never ever exist – this is not a democracy and I do not take suggestions from my subjects) through which to request them. You are ninja. Ninja do not wear jeans while on duty.

We do not celebrate holidays. Anyone caught wearing a red nose that belongs on the face of a mythical reindeer will be rewarded with a spontaneous amputation of said nose and any flesh nearby.

Plushie Shredders are in no way, shape, or form, to be produced ever again.

Whatever individual or individuals made the unauthorized decision to change the general klaxon signifying that we will be moving out in force to a punk version of "Get The Party Started" are hereby informed that your names will be known within the day and you are expected to report to my receiving room at dusk. Bring a tarp and your final wishes.

Additionally, our sonic equipment was designed to produce weaponry, not dance mixes. The next files found anywhere on the system that do not result in disabling or fatal consequences to any who hear them will be traced and the file owner punished. (Note – creating horrible dance mixes does not qualify as "disabling consequences" no matter how many people are prevented from dancing while demanding the mix be stopped.)

The Foot Clan uniforms are not professional sports jerseys. We do not produce a pink version and I don't care if it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You are also not to add patches, numbers, names, or any emblems or mascots other than the glorious Foot to any part of one.

If word ever reaches me again that someone has begun an underground daycare for Foot children under the guise of "early recruitment" they will be rendered infertile with extreme prejudice.

All crosswords, Mad Libs, tic-tac-toe, and other such games will be removed from all bathrooms at once. I cannot believe I have to give this order in the first place.

Additives to coffee are permitted as needed. However, whole pots cannot be "spiked" without a clear warning sign. Not all ninja appreciate their coffee cut with either vodka or strawberry-cream syrup. Anyone caught spiking the coffee pot that serves my penthouse will drown in their concoction.

Using the building's ducts to move between floors is not an acceptable alternative to waiting for the elevators except in a genuine emergency. Long lines at the dinner hour do not constitute an emergency. Those ducts are electrified for a reason and I will not hesitate to use them.

The PR department will stop requesting a photo of Oroku Saki where "he is really smiling happily" – you will accept whatever false smile I wish to show or I will happily cut a smile into your faces instead.

Fallen Foot soldiers may be remembered honorably by silence or quiet prayers. Even if a member of our Clan is of other heritage, there will never again be an Irish wake held for anyone. And all drinking songs are forever forbidden from the Tower. Those blasted earworms are more tedious and irritating than even the turtles themselves.

The Foot Clan will not sponsor a beauty pageant just to fulfill some adolescent fantasies. As you may have noticed, we have very few women amongst the Foot, and the next request for an event featuring Karai in a bikini will be met by whatever means she deems necessary in full view of the entire Clan. Karai – please do make it worth watching. I have always been fond of death by a thousand paper-cuts.

All members of the Foot band known as "The Secret Assassins" will cease advertising themselves in the rest of the city. You may continue to operate within the Tower and produce more songs such as "Our Great Master" and "Shredder is Watching You," but you will suffer "My Wrath" if you make yourselves known to the public.

Foot clan headbands are to be worn exactly as befits the uniform. Wearing one sideways to appear more "ghetto" will result in immediate termination in every sense of the word.

When next the turtles had reason to attack Foot Tower, they made certain to leave behind dozens of badly-made stuffed Shredder dolls, every single one smiling brightly in a pink helmet and wearing jeans.

The howl of outrage could be heard in New Jersey.

The end. Maybe.