Disclaimer: I own nada. Not even a car anymore.
Right. So you know how everybody has a secret talent? Some people can name all of the states and their capitals in thirty seconds, others know every Super Bowl winner since 1971 and some can even down a jar of jalapeño peppers without dying/throwing up/needing twenty glasses of water? Well, I too have a secret talent; one which is frowned upon by some in society and totally envied by others.
I am 100% convinced that I, Isabella Swan, am the greatest Facebook stalker in the world.
Yeah I know what you're thinking. "What a fucking saddo", "doesn't she have a life?" and "she needs to get out more" but seriously; YOU ALL DO IT! Everyone with a Facebook uses it to perve on other people's pictures, look up your ex-boyfriend's new squeeze or scout out potential meat (note that 'Religious Views: Jedi' does not equal good potential). Basically, we all use Facebook for ulterior motives, I am just not ashamed of this fact and I also happen to be extremely fucking good at it.
I kid you not my friends. Send me a name (first names are pretty important, but surnames I can usually get around) and I will have that sucker up on screen in less than thirty seconds. To be honest, in the past I have been known to find Facebook's without even having a name, however my secrets in this department shall remain hidden. Only my extremely good friends know about my talent (by extremely I mean Alice and Rose) and they have enlisted my talents on more than one occasion when asked out on a date. I am proud to say I have saved both Rosalie and Alice from many, many disasters.)
Anyway, now that you know all about my talents I can get on with this story and the day my life was irrevocably altered forever more.
I'd had a bad day. First off I overslept (how cliché?) and then I missed the bus and had to walk, thus ensuring my late arrival to my first class which was literary theories. Now, many people found this class boring, pointless and pretty much used it as a time to catch up on some sleep. I, however, lived for this class, for one reason and one reason only – Mr Edward Cullen.
Yum, yum, yum.
Now I can't really even explain what it was about him but the guy was just the most fuck-hot guy I'd ever come across. Obviously he was extremely sexy, all the way from his messy bronze hair down to his doc marten clad toes, but it was so much more than that. From the very first class we'd had together I just couldn't help but feel drawn to him somehow. I'd be sitting there trying to listen to Mr Berty explain something about sentence structure and I literally couldn't help but let my eyes wander over to him. Also I am convinced that on more than one occasion I'd caught him looking at me too. Unfortunately I always looked away too quickly to be sure.
Anyway, here is the next bad thing about my day.
In the past five weeks I'd shared this class with him (yes, I know – five whole weeks!) he had never sat in a different seat than his one on the far right of the room against the window. Well I, being the naturally stealth girl I am, had managed to strategically place myself so that I had the perfect view of him ever since lesson number two. And of course, being late, some blonde haired skank had managed to steal my seat. Whore. So that was basically the nail in the coffin of my day. I knew that if my Edward viewing time had been stolen from me then that was just a bad omen for the rest of the day.
Once again, I know what you're thinking. Why hadn't I just spoken to him, right? Well the honest answer is I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? At the start of the year when I first noticed him I was determined to go over and introduce myself but I just never got the opportunity and five weeks in it just seemed weird to suddenly decide to make friends with him if I didn't have some sort of reason to talk to him. Of course my two best friends had been telling me for weeks to 'man up' and just fucking talk to him but what can I say – when it comes to guys I can be a total pussy.
This admittedly sad and sorry routine has led me to my favourite past time – Facebook stalking Edward Cullen, the hottie from my English class. It is really depressing how much time I spend trawling through his profile, reading his interests, favourite music, favourite films, etc. I'm not going to lie either, a pretty sizeable amount of my time has been spent looking through his pictures. I know to some people this might sound a little creepy but it's really a very worthwhile pursuit. For example, due to my extensive research I am 100% sure that Edward doesn't have a girlfriend which is extremely good news. He is listed as 'single' on his relationship status and the only people I see tagged in pictures with him are two guys called Emmett McCarty and Jasper Whitlock (his two best friends I assume?).
So there I was with a glass of wine, happily stalking my little life away after my disappointing day when I got a phone call from Rose.
"Bella we have a code fucking red going on here – ALICE PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN – I'm bringing Alice over right now. If you don't have ice cream I'm going to scream and you'd best have copious amounts of wine ready cause – ALICE! I'M NOT JOKING! DO YOU WANT ME TO THROW IT OUT OF THE WINDOW BECAUSE I WILL – "
"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down a second. What the hell is going on? And why can I hear Alice wailing in the background?"
"Ergh, it's too long to explain but it's to do with Riley and I'll be there in five minutes so I'll tell you then. To be honest Alice probably could tell you more but I cannot tell a lie; I've already been plying her with alcohol in an attempt to cheer her up so she's not in the best state right now," Rosalie explained.
"Seriously what the fuck?! What's happened with Riley and why does Alice need cheering up? Have they broken up or something?"
"Pretty much but there's more to it than that. I'm pulling up outside now!" And with that she hung up.
So I was pretty confused after that phone call but from what I could work out Alice and her ass-hat boyfriend Riley had broken up, Alice was now upset and drunk (thank you very fucking much Rosalie) and we had an ice cream situation on our hands.
I ran around my apartment quickly pulling out a few bottles of wine and several cartons of ice cream from the freezer, as well as digging out all the chocolate from my cupboards and also my trusty DVD of 'The Notebook' (why couldn't all guys be like Noah Calhoun?).
I'd barely had a chance to sit down when Rose let herself in through my front door, propping an extremely drunk Alice up alongside her.
"Bellaaa!" Alice wailed as she ran towards me, wrapped her arms around my stomach and flopped onto the sofa. "He – broke – up – with – me! Can you believe that?!"
"Hey Bella," called Rose, as she walked towards my kitchen. "Here take her phone," she said, chucking Alice's blackberry to me, "that one can't be trusted with it."
"Uh oh... Hang on a sec Allie, weren't you going to break up with him anyway?"
"Yes! That's what makes this even worse! Now it looks like I'm the jilted one when really he just got in there first! How could he do this to me Bella?! He's such a bastard!"
"Alice, you don't need to be so upset babe! You didn't even like him that much anyway so why are you crying? All you've done is moan about him for the past three months!"
That was definitely the wrong thing to say because as soon as the words left my mouth Alice started to cry harder and Rosalie had to stifle a laugh from the kitchen.
"IT ISN'T FUNNY ROSALIE! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILITAED IN MY LIFE!"
"Will somebody please explain to me what the hell is going on?!"
"Ask Alice how he broke up with her!" Shouted Rose, as she wandered back into my living room with her mouth full of chips.
"Bella," Alice sniffed, "he, he broke up with me by text! What a douche!"
"No way! Oh my God I knew Riley was a total dick but that's low even for him. Rosalie why are you laughing that isn't funny! We need to go round his right now and remove his balls. Stat."
"Yeah that's not the funny bit. Ask Alice here what she did after he text her."
I looked at Alice expectantly as she launched into her story.
"Well basically, he text me saying we weren't "right" for each other –what sort of bullshit excuse is that?! – and so obviously I text him back having a massive go at him for being such a coward about things and he started apologising saying he was really sorry and everything and I felt a bit bad for him so I sort of... well...stop laughing Rosalie it isn't a laughing matter...I-might-have-text-him-saying-sorry-for shouting at him."
"YOU texted HIM saying SORRY?! He dumped you through a text message and you reacted totally reasonably and you then thought it'd be a good idea to be sorry?! Alice, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!" She shouted back at me as Rosalie howled with laughter. "I was drowning my sorrows in tequila and it seemed like a good idea! Just please don't give me back my phone for like a month or something. The bitch on the other sofa is right, I can't be trusted."
"Oh Allie," I said as I wrapped her up in a hug. "Ignore the mean bitchy blonde, she's just bitter because she has a heart of stone."
"I do not! I just know that when somebody dumps me by text he should be the one apologizing to me and not the other way around! And anyway Alice, we all know Riley is gay so I don't know what you're even upset about," Rosalie replied taking a long draught of her red wine.
"He is not gay!"
"He is a bit gay Alice, you have to admit it?" I chimed in, trying not to laugh.
"I mean come on! It took him what, six months to sleep with you? And no offence Alice, but you're not exactly a virgin are you?" Rosalie was right. Alice didn't sleep around or anything but when she had a boyfriend it didn't take her long to put out. When we found out her and Riley still hadn't done the deed after six weeks we started to ask her if she'd lost the key to her new found chastity belt.
"Hey! I do take offence to that!" Alice shouted throwing a twiglet at Rose.
"Again Allie, she has a point. Also, how long did it take him to get ready before we went out? You and Rose would be ready before he was – I've never seen a man with more immaculate hair in my life."
"He just took care in his appearance! There's nothing wrong with that. Just because you two go out with slobs."
"We don't hun; we go out with guys that like girls – not other guys," Rose laughed out.
"He isn't gay!"
"What about the 'Man Uggs' thing, Alice?" I asked her, laughing along with Rose.
"Oh my god! That was totally gay!" Giggled Rose, agreeing with me.
"You two can both shut up! I will admit that the only men I know that own Man Uggs are gay, however, Riley never actually bought them, so ner!" She replied sticking her tongue out at us.
"Whatever Alice, 'de nile' isn't only a river in Egypt you know!"
"You're such a bad friend Rosalie! I've just been dumped and all you care about is taking the piss out of me!"
"Alice you were dumped by your gay boyfriend that you were going to break up with anyway!"
"I hardly think that's the point," Alice sniffed, drinking more of her wine. "Bella, my bestest friend, will you please hand me your laptop I need to check Facebook."
"Stalking your ex already Alice?" I teased, handing her my laptop so she could log-in. "That might be a little extreme, even for somebody like me."
"Yeah right, Bella, and how is your stalkee doing? Did you have fun staring at him and being a wimp this morning?" asked Rose.
"I didn't actually; I was fucking late so I lost my seat."
"Unlucky. Serves you right anyway. You should just talk to the guy."
"You know, I think I agree with Alice, you are a bitch Rosalie."
"Pssh, you both love me."
"Bella, what the hell is wrong with your internet connection?! This is taking forever to load!" Alice shouted, while repeatedly clicking my laptop on the same link.
"It's not her internet Alice," Rosalie interjected. "It's Facebook, they're revamping it or something and it's causing it all to lag."
"Ah no worries! It just finished load – OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HIS STATUS!"
And there it was in the classic Facebook font.
"Riley Jackson just bought his brand new chocolate brown man uggs! Woo!"
"HE GOT THEM! HE ACTUALLY GOT THEM! HAHAHA! ALICE HE IS SO GAY! BELLA BACK ME UP HERE!"
"Can't – speak – laughing – too – hard!" I choked out.
"I love how they aren't even Man Uggs –"
"- or even brown Man Uggs –"
"BUT CHOCOLATE BROWN MAN UGGS!" Rose and I roared with laughter.
To be fair to her, even Alice had to see the funny side and started to join in with our laughter. This was just the sort of friendship we had. We'd always be there for each other whenever one of us needed another but at the same time we weren't afraid to make fun of each other if the situation called for it. And honestly, this called for it. Obviously Rose and myself would have been more sympathetic if Alice hadn't been bitching and moaning about her boyfriend for the past three months – coincidently when they started sleeping with each other – but she had. Therefore the fact he'd broken up with her and she'd then gone on to apologise to him was just hilarious. Also the fact that Rose and I had suspected he wasn't really into the ladies ever since we'd met him just added to the hilarity. Alice's gaydar was renowned for being particularly shit.
Anyway, for the rest of the night we spent our time lounging on my sofa's eating chocolate and ice cream, drinking wine and swooning at 'The Notebook' – all in all it was a pretty good night. Until it happened.
There we were happily minding our own business and moaning about how slowly Facebook was taking to do anything when it became extremely clear just why Facebook was being such a bitch.
I logged back into my account with the sole purpose of staring at Edward's pictures and happily typed 'Edward Cullen' into the search engine only to be greeted with the following message.
"Edward's Profile is set to private. If you know Edward, send him a message or add him as a friend."
"NOOOOOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!"
"What?!" Rose and Alice shouted at the same time, as they grabbed the laptop off of me. They both took one look at the screen and burst out laughing.
"Well I guess we know why Facebook was lagging so much – they've updated the security options to stop creepy stalkers like you!"
"You can be quiet Alice! What happened to you being on my team?!"
"I am! It just means that now you'll actually have to talk to him! This is a good thing," she exclaimed happily. Somebody certainly cheered up quickly. Pfft.
"We've been through this! I can't!"
"Bella stop being a little bitch about things and suck it up. All you have to do is say hello to him," said Rosalie in her ever delicate fashion.
"Really Bella, what's the worst that can happen? He's not interested and you end up in exactly the same position you're in now? Just think about it," Alice smiled at me.
All I did was sigh in return. I was never going to hear the fucking end of this.
A/N: So this is chapter one of a fun little story (well I think it is fun anyway, I hope you do too!) of which I'll be updating pretty frequently. Mostly written to help stave off the writer's block but also because a lot of this has happened in real life and it's been floating around my mind for a while! Also want to dedicate this whole story to my amazing friend Le Crepuscule because she hasn't been feeling too great recently! Porcelain Cement will be updating in the next few days too ;)
Let me know what you think of it my lovelies!