Re: Ever After (Happily)
"Edward, why am I wearing a blindfold? You know I'm not into that."
I'm sitting in the car with my fiancé. I love calling him that. I do it all the time now…especially in my own mind. Actually, it's mostly in my own mind. Rose told me that if I continued to call him that all the time, she would vomit. And then she told me that since she has morning sickness, doing anything that would make her sicker was just mean.
I don't think she really cares. I think she's just a little bit jealous that she didn't really get to do the whole engagement thing. You know…the surprise pregnancy didn't really lend itself to a long engagement. But the wedding in Vegas was pretty fun. Even Edward had a good time.
"Bella," Edward says as he places his hand over mine that has been resting on his thigh. I can tell that we have stopped moving. Edward never holds my hand while he's driving. He thinks it's unsafe. Once, I tried reminding him of what he let me do to him the first weekend that we were together. My hand…his car…his cock. He told me that he needed two hands to drive – not his penis. He did have a valid point. He usually does. "You know I'm not into that either. I have a surprise for you."
I knew he would do something big today. Even though I told him that I didn't want anything. The truth is, since Edward proposed, there is nothing in the world that I want. I already have everything I ever dreamed of – including the education I always wanted.
I graduated today. I officially earned my master's degree and Edward was there with our family. He made a point of taking my phone away – so as to avoid any texting mishaps. There were none. There was just my own excitement as I looked up and saw the green eyes that fill my days and dreams.
And everything was perfect.
Everything is perfect.
"What kind if surprise?" I ask, secretly excited about what he could have planned.
"Um, the good kind?" he says, but it sound like a question.
It still amazes me that he can be unsure of himself in any way. He has nothing to ever be unsure of. I am completely sure of him…of everything about him. I have been for so long.
"So...it's a naked surprise?"
He laughs and the sound is sweet and rich and warm. I feel his thumb trace circles on my hand and around my engagement ring. He does that a lot. I think he loves the fact that I'm his fiancé as much as I love that he's mine. And honestly, I can't wait to finally put a ring on his finger, so that the whole world will know that he belongs to me.
Especially Dr. Mallory.
"Is that the only kind of surprise that's good?" he asks as he leans in across the console of the car.
I can feel his soft, warm breath on my neck and even though it's ridiculously warm outside, I shiver. It never ceases to amaze me that he always has the same effect on me. Every time we are together is still just as good as the first time. Well, the second first time. The first time was amazing in its own way, actually. And the recreation of the first time in Miami after he proposed was even better.
Hot…and soft…and hard…and long…
We never left the room.
Yeah, it was amazing.
He just asked me a question and I got sidetracked thinking about his cock.
His cock really does have magical powers.
"All surprises are better when you're naked, Edward."
I turn my face toward him. I'm not really loving the fact that I can't see his face. It's a good thing I can see him in vivid detail even when I close my eyes. I can feel him, though…and he's close. His breath tickles my face and I gasp a little when I feel his lips cover mine.
Have I mentioned that I love kissing my fiancé?
I could do it for days.
"Everything is better when you're naked, Bella," he murmurs against my lips before sucking the bottom one into his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I whimper.
I'm pretty sure he groans.
"Agreed," I tell him, pulling back and licking his taste from my lips. "But I'm still not wearing the blindfold. I like to see you. It's kind of the best part. Well, maybe not the best part. I mean...I really like the kissing part and the touching part. And I love when you do that thing with your tongue. Oh...and the part where you're inside me is really good. Yeah. That's my favorite part. Definitely. Maybe. Yeah...definitely."
He chuckles and I feel his finger trail down my neck. I don't know if it's just the excitement of the day or the fact that he was just kissing me and I can't see what's going on, but just the feeling of his finger against my skin is amazing. Maybe there's something to this blindfold thing after all.
"I think I can help you out with that later," he says and then kisses me gently one more time. "Definitely. But for now, we're here."
He gets out of the car and I wait for him to open my door. When he does, he pulls me out and wraps his arms around my waist. The first thing I notice – aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure I want to have sex with him right now – is that it's really quiet wherever we are. We are definitely not at home. Hmmm…I wonder if I'll be able to get him to have sex with me in a public place. He still refuses to do that. He told me that my body was for his eyes only…and it's not safe or sanitary.
"Where is here?" I ask. "And why is it so quiet?"
"You'll see," he says as we walk forward. I'm not unbalanced at all – even with the blindfold. Edward is leading me and I feel completely safe. He always makes me feel that way. "Just trust me."
Fuck, I can't wait to say that at our wedding. I can't wait to be his wife…for him to be my husband. And that is the only word I love more than fiancé.
Dr. Edward Masen is going to be my husband.
"Ready?" he whispers. He pulls my hair back and kisses my neck before pulling the blindfold off. "Surprise."
It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust, but slowly they do and when I realize where we are – what he has done – my knees go weak. He must expect this reaction, because he grips me tighter and pulls me flush against him. He is warm…the sun is warm…and this…this is amazing.
This is too much.
"You bought me a house?" I ask, my voice trembling. "You bought this house…the house? Holy...oh, my god. You bought me a house…"
My words trail off because I find that I don't really have any words that are adequate. This is the house that we looked at over a month ago. It was perfect…it is perfect. But I thought we decided to stay in Edward's condo while he finished his residency.
"I bought us a house, Bella," he says. "It is for you because I know you loved it, but this house…our house…this is for us."
I turn around to face him, still overwhelmed and awkward on my own feet…and I kiss him with everything I have. Every emotion and every bit of the love that is running through me. I think I startle him with the force of my body. He recovers quickly and pulls me to him, holding me and kissing me back in the most awkward, most wonderful kiss we've ever had.
And that's saying a lot.
"Do you want to go inside?" he asks excitedly.
I'm nodding my head and I want to say yes, really I do, but I still can't find any words. I briefly wonder if being a writer is what I should want to do with my life. Because words are kind of important to the occupation and all I really want to do with my life right now is be with him.
It has always been him.
We walk inside, into the open and empty space. The walls and floor are bare and it strikes me that this empty space is just waiting for us – for me and Edward – to fill it. To make it a home. And I want to make and build a home with him…for him. And then it strikes me that all of this is really happening. Edward is going to be my husband. We are going to live here together. We are going to make love in every room. Yes…every single room. I'm glad that some of the rooms have carpet because I don't know how comfortable the tile will be when I push him down on the floor in a minute.
Finally finding my words, lame as they may be, I tell him, "I can't believe you did this."
His eyes are soft and bright green. Like the color of summer…like the color of happiness. And he smiles at me – this breathtaking smile. And I mean that literally because I may be hyperventilating.
"Bella, how many times do I have to tell you?" he asks. "I would do anything for you. Anything at all."
And even though I knew it before, standing here with him in this place – our new home – I know beyond any shadow of doubt I never really had, that it's true. There is nothing he wouldn't or hasn't done for me. And I also know that there is nothing – not one single thing – that I wouldn't do for him.
"I love you, Edward. I love you so much and I swear, if it wasn't for the fact that our families would kill us…I would beg you right now to take me to Vegas and make me your wife right. Today…tonight. I want…I can't wait to be your wife. I can't wait to start our life together. And I know that we've already started it…and maybe that I'm not making any sense. But I just love you so much and I feel the need to tell you…to show you somehow…only nothing seems like it's enough. "
He stops my rambling with a kiss. It's sweet and soft and even as it silences me, I suck in a breath that tastes like him. And I don't know if there's a word to describe what he tastes like. Because it's more than peppermint and happiness…it's more than chocolate and love. He tastes like the very essence of all my dreams coming true.
And there are no vocabulary words for that.
He leads me to the master bedroom, but before we ever reach the door, I breathe in deeply and I am filled with the scent of lavender and vanilla. He pushes open the door and in the room, I see a bed in the center of the floor. Just a bed – a perfect and already made bed with candles lit all around it. And I giggle as I think about the fact that I won't have to make love to him on the floor. Although, I might still want to do that anyway. I lean back into him, feeling him hard and pressing against me…and I know that he can tell what I'm thinking because apparently he's thinking the exact same thing.
The light in the room is golden and warm and it mirrors exactly the way I feel. The sun is setting and the light is streaming through the glass doors leading outside. And everything in my life is perfect.
Just like him.
"Are you happy?" he asks.
His question takes me by surprise because I know that he must feel my happiness rolling off me in waves as I'm practically vibrating with it. I nod my head enthusiastically, you know…since I am still a woman of so few relevant words. Which must be surprising to him because really…when am I ever without words? So I tell him…exactly that.
"I'm so happy that I'm speechless."
"Good. But I have one more surprise for you," he whispers.
"There's more?" I ask. "How can there be more than this?"
He takes my hand and then he leads me to the glass doors. He opens them up and I blush and giggle as I see the already steaming and bubbling hot tub on the patio.
"Are you sure this surprise isn't for you?"
He chuckles and says, "Um, well, it's for both of us. You seemed to enjoy it as much as I did last time."
"You seem to like to celebrate the things in life in a hot tub, Dr. Masen," I say, turning in his arms and allowing him to hold me closer.
"Didn't you say naked surprises were good?"
"I think my master's would like to make love to your MD," I tell him giggling. "Right here in this hot tub."
"Is that so, Ms. Swan?" he asks, grinning.
"Uh…yeah…" I say, feeling that familiar tingling in my belly…and lower. "And then," I whisper, trailing my fingers up his tie and pulling him closer to me, "then…your fiancé would like to make love to you in that bed."
His eyes darken and his lips part. I can feel his breath on my face as he whispers.
"Ours," I say.
No more words are spoken as we undress each other and then he leads me into the water…
"Wh-wha…what is that?" I ask, looking down at the box in my lap.
Technically, I'm looking at the contents of the box – pink silicone and round with little nubs all over it. I have a sinking feeling I should know what it is…but I don't.
"Well, I won't know what it is if you don't show it to us, Bella," Rose says, laughing.
I'm pretty sure I don't want anyone to see this. I don't know why I think that, but I do. Shaking my head, I lift the contents up to show everyone. It slides on my middle finger in the process. My mother and Alice begin to laugh along with Rose – if you can call what Rose is doing laughter. It's more like cackling.
"Mom, that is awesome," Alice says.
Esme just chuckles and takes a drink of her champagne. My mother takes a drink of hers, too, but I suspect it's for different reasons.
"Esme!" Rose exclaims. "I can't believe you got your son's fiancé a cock ring!"
A cock ring?
What the hell is a cock ring?
"Not just a cock ring," Esme says, smiling. "A vibrating cock ring."
Fuck my life.
"You mean…I mean…this is…" I stumble all over my words, unable to form a coherent thought…much less a sentence. "This is for Edward?"
"Trust me, dear," Esme says before she finishes the last of her drink. "It's just as much for you."
I look at all of them. I can feel the blush covering my face and neck. You would think that I would be used to all of this by now, but I'm still not. I look back at the device in my hand, then up to the women surrounding me, then back down to my hand once more…
"I'm pretty sure it won't fit him."
They all burst into laughter, but I am still looking at this little piece of plastic and knowing that there is no way it will fit around Edward's…cock. Yeah, no…that's just not happening. They have no idea.
"Well, damn, Bella," Rose says, pushing up off the couch and coming over to sit beside me. "Tell us how you really feel."
I quickly try to put it back in the box, but before I can hide it away, I hear a voice coming from the door.
"Leave it to my daughter-in-law to buy her daughter-in-law something so vulgar and inappropriate."
"Nana Cullen," I say, mortified. "I thought you couldn't make it."
"Well, I got to thinking that it's not every day that my favorite grandson is going to marry the girl of his dreams, so I decided to make the trip."
"Well, goodie for us," Esme says, not even trying to hide her dissatisfaction. I try unsuccessfully not to giggle. I know their relationship in contentious, but Nana Cullen loves Edward – even if she is kind of a bitch to his mother. "And my gift is completely appropriate for the setting. Not that you would understand that. I'm sure Bella will love the flannel pajamas you got her. Although, if I'm being honest, I never used the ones you gave me for my bridal shower."
"Now, now, Esme…this day is about Bella. Not us," she says, taking a seat next to Alice. "And the flannel was special…just for you. I got Bella something completely different…that doesn't…err…vibrate."
"Well, that's good…but I have news for you," Esme continues. "A picture of you for their nightstand isn't sexy either."
"Oh, snap!" Rose says and it startles me from the thought of actually having a picture of Nana Cullen on our nightstand. She wouldn't really give us that…would she? "Esme, may I refill your drink?"
I shoot her a look, pleading with her not to make this any more uncomfortable.
"What?" she says. "Come on, Bella. That shit was funny. And I love it when Esme drinks."
"Oh, Rosalie," Nana Cullen says. "Then you must be in love all the time. By the way, I almost didn't notice you because it looks like you've put on a bit of weight. How is that Emmett doing? I sure did have a good time dancing with him on New Year's Eve. He's a real man's man. Just like my Carlisle and Edward."
"Did you just call me fat?" Rose shrieks and then looks at me. "Did she just call me fat?"
"No, dear," Nana Cullen says. I'm pretty sure it was sarcastically. Fuck, Edward might be rubbing off on me a little too much. "I would never call you fat. Although, I might stay away from that cake if I were you."
"Nana Cullen," Alice says. "Why didn't you say anything about Jasper? Jasper is a man's man."
My mother, who had been unusually quiet, – it was understandable – chooses this exact moment to speak up.
"You know, the first time I met Charlie's mother…she showed me pictures of him taking a bath when he was a child. Do you know that he had a water-rifle as his bath toy? I'm also pretty sure he had a mustache."
I giggle at my mother who has this keen ability to diffuse tense situations. Usually she does it with frank humor and disarming honesty.
This time is really no different.
"Charlie's mother hated me," she says almost flippantly. "She hated that I was liberal and she hated that I didn't know how to cook. But even with as much as she disliked me, she never had the balls to say some of the things that are being said here today. You, Nana Cullen, are one ballsy lady. Really…I think that your balls are bigger than the manliest man in the world's balls. They must be really heavy. How on earth do you carry them around all the time?"
Oh. My. God.
Nana Cullen gasps and Esme laughs…so does Rose. I sit there mortified. If possible, this is worse than your future mother-in-law giving you a cock ring.
I'm sorry, my mistake.
A vibrating cock ring.
"I think you love Esme," my mother continues talking to Nana Cullen.
"You do, do you?" Nana Cullen says to my mother. "What makes you think that?"
"I think you have to love her because your son is completely in love with her. She is the mother of your grandchildren and obvious love of his life. I haven't been around them a lot, but anyone can see that. Anyway…my point is that he loves her. And he is a part of you and because of that simple reason…I know that you must love her."
Nana Cullen doesn't really say anything. She just sits there staring at my mother. My mother doesn't flinch. She sits there calmly, as if she hasn't just called out the matriarch of my new family. I wonder if she and Jasper smoked pot together before she came here today.
She wouldn't have done that.
"Now, I'm not expecting you to have some emotional moment filled with love and hugs and kisses," my mother says. "It's enough for you to just know. But this day is about my daughter. I'm sure she would love to open your gift. Although, I think it might be hard to top Esme's gift. I personally really loved that one. And I gave Bella an all-expenses paid getaway to Charlie's gun closet. What did you get her, Nana Cullen?"
She hands me a small rectangular box and just as I'm about to open it, my mother speaks again.
"Jasper is all man, sweetie. I adore him…and his crystal. I'm pretty sure it's as big as Charlie's gun. Good for you, sweetie!"
The most amazing thing happens. As soon as the words leave my mother's mouth, Nana Cullen lets out this long, guffawing laugh. It's deep and throaty and her smile is more genuine than I've ever seen.
"Renee?" she says. "I like you."
"Dude. Seriously. You didn't know?" Emmett scoffs at me. I'm used to this reaction, but it still grates on my nerves. "He brought you a fucking corsage!"
"It was just a flower," I retort.
"For your wrist," he says with a snort. "I was waiting for him to offer you a promise ring. Although I have to say, those dudes have good taste. I got more free drinks and numbers than at any straight bar," Emmett boasts. "How many did you get? Rose thought it was hot that I was man-candy. She really went to town on my candy ca-"
"Six," I interrupt with a sigh. "And a very lucrative offer for some nude modeling."
Emmett grumbles "figures he'd get more" and "pretty boy" before continuing to eat.
We are sitting in a restaurant (a normal one, not one that looks like Larry Flynt decorated it) eating breakfast. The purpose of our meeting is to plan my bachelor party. Emmett will need parameters (because I really don't want to wake up in Tijuana with a missing kidney - I saw a very disturbing Nightline about organ harvesting - and there definitely wasn't a sterile environment).
"Emmett, I told you that I didn't know Michael was gay - not that it matters," I reply. "Glee Night" at The Backdoor (which I finally went to) turned out to be something other than a show tune sing-along. It was actually sort of fun (I made many new friends) until Michael got annoyed when I didn't want to "vogue" with him.
"He was gazing at you all night...he must do that at work," Emmett insists as he downs a stack of pancakes. "And I use the term 'gazing' very lightly. It was actually eye-fucking."
"He's, um," I stammer. I recall several times when he winked at me or giggled at my comments - ugh, that should have been a sign - only Bella thinks I'm funny. "He is very attentive at work. He wants me to show him some new techniques."
Emmett starts coughing frantically - he did eat a rather large sausage - and he chokes out something that sounds like "fellatio" and "salad tossing." His face alternates between panic and annoyance as he continues to cough.
"Dude," he sputters, "You didn't even give me the Heimlich! What the fuck?"
"You didn't require it, Emmett, you were still able to cough and communicate. That means you were not in danger. If there was something lodged in your airw-"
He interrupts me, "Never mind. I don't want a fucking tutorial. Unlike Mikey, I don't care that much about what goes in or comes out of your mouth. Let's talk about your party. I'm thinking togas, strippers, and Patron," he declares with a smile. Fantastic. I'll be in jail for my wedding.
Before I can put the kibosh on the planned debauchery, Jasper arrives. I'm sure he has specific feelings about my party, too. Somehow I think I'll have to choose between chanting and chugging.
"Hey, Professor Free Love, can you please tell Edward that we need booze and boobs at his party?" Emmett complains. Jasper bows and shakes our hands to greet us. Emmett rolls his eyes and mumbles, "How is Edward the 'normal' one in this family?"
"Alcohol does have a place in many ceremonies, Emmett. But I was thinking about a Native American sweat lodge ritual. We can-"
"Oh, hell yes, Jasper! A fucking hot tub and we can gamble at the Reservation Casino! That is great idea." Emmett fist bumps a surprised Jasper.
"That's not exactly what-" Jasper says before I interrupt him.
"No hot tub, Emmett. I only go in a hot tub with Bella. And no strippers or casino," I insist. Why would I want to see any other woman? I'm marrying my dream girl. My mind drifts back to the particularly hot escapade the night of her graduation. Damn. I don't want to get aroused in front of Emmett.
"You are such a buzz kill," he replies, shaking his head sadly. "This is my last chance, Edward. Once the baby comes, I'll be elbows deep in shit and piss. Rose already threatened my balls when she started with the morning sickness."
"What exactly did you expect, Emmett? I can recommend some pregnancy books for you or send you some links."
"Oh, please no more research, Edward. I couldn't get it up for a week after the childbirth video...and it was another week before I could touch Rose's pu-"
I cough loudly to stop him from sharing his, um, intimate details.
"Pregnancy is a natural and beautiful time, Emmett," Jasper says.
"Yeah, the barfing is fucking beautiful," Emmett retorts. "And it's pretty fucking natural."
I roll my eyes at his theatrics. "Can't we just have a simple dinner, Emmett?"
"So, let me get this straight...you want to have, like, some pizza and then to make Chief Hemplover happy we are going to walk over fire or some shit while wearing body paint? Can we at least smoke some peyote? I mean, damn. This is probably my last bachelor party. Although Quil and Paul invited me to theirs...but I don't want to see a Jake Gyllenhaal look-a-like in a thong." Emmett is rambling but I have no comment. I mean, what do you say to that?
"We can have whatever food you prefer, Emmett, but no strippers."
"You know that Bella is going to be reverse cowgirling some dude in assless chaps at her party, right? Rose is planning something crazy because she didn't have one...due to being all knocked up and shit from my powerful load. You know that my swimmers broke through a condom and the pill." Emmett actually looks proud that their birth control methods were unsuccessful.
I look up "reverse cowgirl" on my phone and I'm disturbed. My mind wanders to Bella on some strange cowboy's lap and I become enraged. "You call your wife right now and insist upon a proper party for Bella," I demand.
Emmett laughs. "Yeah, because Rose is going to do what I tell her to. You'd have to do the ball reattachment surgery after that phone call."
I seethe in my chair. The thought of Bella with another man is painful. I know she'd never betray me, but I'm still upset. "She can't ride anyone but me!" I insist, too loudly for the restaurant. The waitress winks at me and I avert my eyes.
"Dude, this is why you need to do something good! She's going to be stuffing bills down some stud named Chad's g-string while you're sipping a Shirley Temple and playing chess? What the fuck is that? This is your chance to go balls out!" Emmett exclaims.
"That could be dangerous, Emmett," I chastise him. "The scrotum is very sensitive."
Emmett rolls his eyes and bumps his head on the table. He mumbles something like "same Edward, even though he's getting laid." He cocks an eyebrow at me and asks, "So what, then?"
Jasper answers before I can. "I can get some peyote, Emmett. It's the good shit." Emmett grins and fist-bumps Jasper. He shakes his head at me.
"Fucking Edward. Even Jasper is cooler than you. And he's wearing a fucking blanket."
This is not going to be good.
I had Googled "bachelor party" and I have some research to share. As I pass out the binders, Emmett scoffs at my efforts. "What happened to the PowerPoint?" he asks, rolling his eyes. He does that often - I should look up the long-term effects of such movement. When I hand him my flash drive, he starts laughing.
"What?" I reply. "Do you want me to email it to you?" Emmett sighs and opens his binder.
We finally decide on a venue and an activity after an extensive discussion...and a few tears (Emmett says he got dirt in his eye).
The vetoed ideas:
Strip club (for obvious reasons).
Cigar and brandy party (health reasons)
Bowling (Emmett said he wasn't going to touch balls all night)
Fishing (I didn't want to look incompetent in front of Charlie)
Strippers and porn house party (like that was going to happen)
Hunting (Jasper threatened a sit-in demonstration to protest)
Vegas (This is the discussion that brought about the aforementioned tears- I have a pic of him on my phone)
Dancing (I didn't want to "shake that ass" with anyone except Bella)
Indian Casino (Jasper went on a lengthy rant about the white man's oppression of Native Americans - and Emmett was still pouting about Vegas)
So we choose billiards and karaoke. Emmett and Jasper are going to handle the arrangements. I feel somewhat comforted as Jasper seems to be a calming influence on Emmett. It could be the hemp, but I'm not sure. I just plan to show up and try to maintain a modicum of civility. Emmett had made me watch some movies about bachelor parties - it was disturbing. I don't want to end up missing a tooth or with tiger in my bathroom. And I have no aspirations at all to meet Mike Tyson.
Since Emmett fears for his manhood, I try to talk to Rosalie and Alice about Bella's party. Needless to say, I am unsuccessful. Apparently, I am trying to "control" Bella and am forbidden to complain. Rose is quite forceful now that she is pregnant. Now I understand Emmett's tears.
I know that my jealousy is unfounded, as Bella would never be unfaithful, but guys are "fucking perverted" (Emmett's words). He says Rose is off limits because she has a "bun in the oven" and Alice is married, but Bella is "fucking hot" (his words, my sentiments) and single. He is crass, but also very astute. I'm quite sure I don't want drunken losers or any of the members of "Thunder from Down Under" to touch my fiancé, but I can do nothing about it.
Emmett says I should try to knock her up and then she won't be able to do anything.
What a ridiculous idea...I barely even consider it.
A month later I'm buttoning my shirt and waiting for Emmett. He's coming to pick me up. He arrives a few minutes later - wearing a t-shirt that says "Best Man on so many levels" and carrying another one with a ball and chain printed on the front and "Game Over" on the back for me. Yeah, that's not happening. Not only do I feel the complete opposite of the sentiments adorning the shirt, it's not even one hundred percent cotton.
Emmett doesn't make too much of a fuss when I refuse the shirt. He knows I would never wear that. We drive over to Alice and Jasper's to pick him up since I have moved into our new house and no longer live down the hall from them. He is, surprisingly, wearing a shirt and not his usual ethnic costume. Emmett voices his approval immediately. "All right, Jasper. You almost look normal. If you ditched the hubcap around your neck, you could look hot. Not as hot as me...but at least you aren't a total cockblock."
Jasper bows - I'm used to it by now - and chants something under his breath. I hope it's something that will keep us out of trouble tonight. Obviously I don't believe in his new age ideas, but with Emmett running my bachelor party I need all the help I can get.
When our entire party (my dad joins us and also a few doctors from the hospital) is securely ensconced in the enormous stretch Hummer limousine that Emmett hired for the evening, he serves drinks to all of us. Everyone is taking shots and laughing. I'm trying to decide what is more offensive - the music he's blasting or the pornographic DVD running on the multiple flat screens. I'm probably the only one who feels that way because even my own father is singing along..."I love it when you call me big pop-pa, throw your hands in the air if youse a true player..."
"Esme gave me that nickname," my dad smirks. "That's what she calls my di-"
"Oh Christ," I moan.
"Fuck yeah, Big Poppa C!" Emmett yells. My head is in my hands when my father starts singing some song about a dog named "Snoop." Somehow I know it's not about the white beagle from that Christmas special.
"Loosen up, Edward. This is your one and only bachelor party. Have some fun," my dad insists. "Besides, stress is bad for the sex drive."
"Word, Big Poppa. Dr. Downer is killing my buzz. Have a shot, for fuck's sake," Emmett orders. I take a deep breath and I relinquish control (not completely - that would be ludicrous) but enough that I can have a good time. My marriage is something to celebrate - within the normal parameters of common decency, of course.
I just thought we'd be toasting with champagne. Not drinking something called a "wet pussy."
We attract a lot of attention when we walk into the bar. It's probably because Emmett points and shouts, "This fucker is getting married. Ladies, you missed out!" Did I mention that Emmett is not known for his subtlety?
The bar is actually quite nice. I was expecting to have to wipe down everything, but it appears to be sanitary. Emmett has done well, it seems. The drinks and food are plentiful and everyone is enjoying the pool tables and various games. I see no giant cakes with women popping out of them or scantily clad strippers gyrating to Whitesnake songs (the movies and internet have really broadened my knowledge of bachelor parties). He has actually listened to me and I begin to relax and enjoy myself. Well, not that much. Bella isn't here. She makes everything better. I text her to tell her I'm ok and I love her. She responds right away.
"I'm glad the bar isn't horrible. I miss you, too. And you know I love you. BTW, I have a penis in my mouth."
Ok. I was definitely not expecting that response. I know it's not a real penis because Bella only wants mine (she's made that abundantly clear) but I wonder what sort of nastiness my sister and her best friend are perpetrating with my future wife. I send her a response.
"Even though I'm in top physical shape, I can still have a heart attack. That's not funny."
"No, really Edward. It's a penis! You should see it! It's so cute...and funny! Although it's not nearly as big as yours. It doesn't taste as good either. But it's pretty good. The cherry juice helps."
"Are you drinking? Remember the chart I gave you."
"Yes! And this penis straw is adorable!"
Thank god it's not a giant dildo. That would be worse. Right? But it's still disturbing that my sister gave my almost wife a rubber penis to put in her mouth. I text my sister.
"Why is my fiancé sucking on a fake penis? What sort of shenanigans is going on? I'm not pleased, Alice."
"Edward, OMG! How do you know that? And penis paraphernalia is all a part of the bachelorette party experience! You can Google it. :) "
"I did Google it. The picture doesn't make it better, Alice. I'm not making Jasper excrete bodily fluids into plastic vaginas."
"Edward, that is disgusting."
"Exactly my point."
Why is Alice only reasonable when it comes to her husband?
"Whatever. Why are you bothering me right now?"
"I'm just objecting to your use of sexual props."
"Jesus, Edward. She's not blowing it. She's just sucking it a little."
Somehow the fact that Bella is merely sucking on a rubber penis and not performing fellatio is supposed to comfort me. I see a bit more how her twisted logic meshes with Jasper's.
"Let me repeat my strenuous objection. Just please take care of my fiancé."
"She's fine. I promise."
"Edward, did you forget about me?"
"No, I could never forget about you. I was texting Alice."
Shit. Alice distracted me with penis and vagina texts.
"Why were you texting Alice?"
"I wanted to make sure she wasn't making you do anything that would be uncomfortable."
"You mean like the outfit they tried to make me wear?"
"Please send me a pic of this outfit."
When I receive the pic I'm filled with anger towards my sister and gratitude towards my fiancé for not giving in. While I would love to see her wearing this in our bed, it is not appropriate for company.
"Edward, get the hell off the phone and have another drink," Emmett booms. I put away my phone after texting a goodbye to Bella and take out my chart to calculate my approximate blood-alcohol ratio. Emmett grabs it out of my hand and tries to rip it up. "What the fuck? You had to laminate this shit?"
"In case it got wet."
Emmett sighs loudly in displeasure. He folds my chart into a paper airplane and flicks it across the room. He murmurs something like "pussy whipped" as he hands me a drink.
"Listen. You are going to get off the fucking phone, pull the stick out of your ass, and taste this 'slippery nipple.'"
Who names these drinks?
Several shots of Patron later (I didn't enjoy the wet pussy or slippery nipple) I'm feeling rather good. My dad and I are playing pool with Emmett and Jasper. Usually I don't enjoy doing things that I'm not good at, but I am having fun. I don't "hang out" with guys. Only Emmett. But I've come to tolerate Jasper as long as he doesn't mention anything about new age medicine or having sex with my sister.
I send a few more texts to Bella (when Emmett isn't looking), but I participate in my party much to everyone's delight. Well, mostly.
"I'm not singing, Emmett. Hell no," I assert. I didn't have that many shots.
"Fuck, Edward. Why are you such a pussy? I've already sung once and I'm going again. Even your dad is going to sing. Look, he's next."
Sure enough my father, the esteemed Dr. Carlisle Cullen, in onstage and he's singing..."Sexual Healing"? Oh, good god, he's doing a little shimmy. My mother would be appalled...ok, no, she wouldn't. I've heard this song coming from their room one too many times. She'd probably drag him into the bathroom and do things that I refuse to think about.
I groan as a group of women scream as my dad croons into the mic.
"Edward, your dad is so badass," Emmett says in awe. "I have a semi from watching him." I cannot respond to that comment. I merely glare at him. "Dude, I'm not fully hard, geez."
When he's done, my dad makes his way back to the table while fist-bumping and high-fiving admirers. He orders another round of shots. I'm now on the borderline of intoxication. It almost makes the second atrocious performance of "I Will Survive" bearable.
"Hey, Eddie. Watch this," Emmett gloats. "I signed up Jasper for a song. And it's not that one with those monks."
The karaoke host calls up Jasper to the stage, much to his surprise. Jasper is also close to legal intoxication according to my estimation of his height and weight. I didn't think he would drink, but the bar actually carried organic beer imported from some commune. I might be in favor of drinking in his case because I've actually enjoyed his company tonight.
"What song is he going to sing?" I ask.
"You'll see soon enough. I hope I bought 'Sir Chants A Lot' enough hippy beer to make this good."
Emmett yells and whistles when the music starts. Jasper looks a bit nervous, but when he touches the rather large medallion around his neck he calms immediately. And then he starts to sing...
"Fuck. The Indiana Jones necklace has magic powers," Emmett says in awe.
He's not kidding. Jasper sounds incredible.
I'll make love to you...like you want me to...and I'll hold you tight, baby, all through the night...
Women are swooning. My mouth might be hanging open a little.
"All right. I've had enough." Emmett declares. I'm shocked that he's going to stop drinking. "I'm going to light up the stage now."
Of course. Emmett is highly competitive and cannot let Jasper have the best performance of the night. How could I think that he would stop drinking?
Jasper receives thunderous applause and a bra thrown on stage. I hope he doesn't touch it. I wouldn't want to have to spray him with sanitizer. He might be offended if it's not certified organic. My dad buys a round of "hippie beer" in his honor.
After Michael sings something called "Sexy Back," it's Emmett's turn.
"Hey everyone. I'm Emmett and it's time to get nasty, baby. Someone needs to video this shit because it's going to be better than all those losers on YouTube," he says with confidence. He then turns around and gets in position. For what, I don't know. Does he have choreography?
The music starts. It must be a popular song because girls (and Michael) are screaming. The reaction can't just be from Emmett swirling his hips. He turns and he's smacking his arms against his thighs and thrusting. I can't look...but I can't look away.
"Edward's just a bachelor...looking for a partner."
He looks like he having sex on stage. Not that I know what he looks like during intercourse - but I can infer. He's kind of fascinating. It must be the alcohol.
"If you're horny, let's do it...come ride it...my pony"
My dad is practically on the floor laughing. I pull him up because the floor is disgusting. Emmett must not concur as he is now humping the stage.
I hope someone is taping this. There are really no words to do it justice.
"You have got to be shitting me. I know I'm not drunk because I've been drinking club soda all night instead of doing shots like you whores. Bella, is that my husband dry-humping the stage?" Rosalie's voice booms from somewhere behind me. I stand and my head snaps in her direction when she says my fiancé's name.
Her arms and legs wrap around me before I can take a breath. I'm lucky I work out because she jumps on me with some force. "Bella," I sigh.
"Are you surprised?" she asks as she kisses my neck and face.
"More like relieved. I missed you," I reply and return her kisses.
"I missed you, too…and I was thinking while I was sitting at the bar...you know, with that fake penis in my mouth...that I didn't want to be away from you anymore. And well..." she says with a blush, "...if there was going to be a penis in my mouth tonight, it should be yours. Besides, your 'cock' is so much bigger than that straw." She whispers "cock" loudly enough that Rosalie and my father both glance at us with smirks on their faces.
"Bella. You're making me aroused. And Emmett might think it's because of his performance."
"Well, Emmett's song is pretty arousing..." Bella sucks on my earlobe which is not helping with the reaction in my pants. "Do you...you know...want me to ride your pony?" she whispers innocently in my ear and I groan against her neck. I'm glad she pressed against my erection because I don't want Emmett or my father to see it. They may have a comment or two.
"Always. Only you," I reply with a kiss. I sit down with her on my lap. What can I say, I like her on me.
We glance over as Emmett finishes his pornographic dance routine. All eyes are on his big finale. I didn't know Emmett was that flexible. Yeah, he's not. I see him grab his testicles and he flinches as he gets up. I know I'm not going to examine him there anytime soon.
He walks (with a slight limp) toward his wife who rolls her eyes before embracing him. He reaches over to bump fists with me and I have to let go of Bella to comply. Jasper, Alice, and my dad are clapping and laughing at him. Michael looks at him, well, the way he looks at me. Of course Emmett is proud at the reaction. He was trying to prove that he was better than Jasper. I laugh and turn back towards my Bella. All of my friends and family fade away as I focus entirely on her.
"I think you spilled some scotch on my shirt."
"What? I'm so sorry." I search her shirt for a stain. But I realize that I haven't been drinking scotch at all. I conclude that Bella is teasing and not drunk or confused and I decide to play along (I have loosened up over the past year and a half).
"Yes...I think you spilled some scotch on my shirt. And I'm not wearing a bra."
"Oh...um, I'm concerned about your areolae. Maybe I should examine them. Nipples, too."
"I think that maybe you should take me to the rest room. Just to be safe," she says in my ear.
"Yes. I can examine you thoroughly. To be safe." I wrap my arm around her and we sneak toward the bathroom.
"Okay, Dr. Masen. Oh...hey...you know what?"
"What?" I ask as I maneuver her into the bathroom. This is so unlike the last time. I have the same excitement but I'm not nervous or stuttering. Bella makes me sure of myself.
"I'm gonna be Masen soon, too."
My smile is so big, it's blinding (obviously untrue - I'm just trying to be descriptive). She had said before that she was keeping her name. This is the first time she's said she wanted to take mine. "That makes me really happy, Bella-soon-to-be-Masen." I lean her against the wall (which looks fairly clean) and start kissing her neck and grinding against her.
"Hey, why don't you two get a room?" a woman calls out as she exits the stall.
"I think that's what we were trying to do," Bella says, giggling.
When the woman leaves and I've checked under the other two stalls, we both relax. I assume the position I was in before we were rudely interrupted.
"Do you remember the first time we were in the bathroom together?" she says as I nibble on the skin below her ear.
"It's burned into my brain. Figuratively of course," I say against the warm skin between her breasts.
"We had a lot of firsts that night. Our first kiss…" She kisses me on my mouth.
"Our last first kiss…" I say, kissing her back. "Forever…Is that what you want, Bella?" I ask, looking deeply into her eyes.
"More than I've ever wanted anything," she says against my lips.
Someone pounds on the bathroom door, bursting our little love bubble. We both sigh.
"Okay, I think it's time to get out of here. After all, we have an empty house, a hot tub, and each other."
"I think you're right. I want to go home with you…forthwith." she whispers. Just as I'm about to lead her out of the bathroom, she stops me. "Edward? Did I ever tell you thank you?"
"For everything, really. But mostly…mostly for being the man that sent me an email about a recent sexual encounter. For asking me to get to know you. And for knowing…even when I didn't…that this was meant to be."
I don't say anything because her words are perfect.
She's perfect...for me.
Cosmogirl7481: So, who knew our dirty texting would ever lead to all this?
marvar: It's been a great year. Thanks to everyone who read our story. We have been thrilled to read all of the reviews and recommendations and tweets from you.
Cosmogirl7481: Truly, the way you guys loved these characters as much as we did, made this one of the best experiences ever. Second only to watching Twilight with marvar...for the hundredth time. *whispers* It never gets old.
marvar: How could Edward get old? That's not canon.
Cosmogirl7481: And lord knows...we were all about the canon. Especially Jasper's hair.
marvar: And we watched New Moon a crapload of times, too (I fast forward through the Jacob parts).
Cosmogirl7481: I didn't. I like Jacob's abs.
marvar: I know. But I still love you.
Cosmogirl7481: And I love you.
marvar: So that's all, peeps. We hope you like our ending and keep us on author alert because we are fich00rs and already have something planned.
Cosmogirl7481: And we will be posting a future take from LiMB in LiMBO next week.
*Cosmo and marvar commence snot sobbing*