The Random Romancer
By Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires
All characters belong to history or to Koei, the concept of the game belonging to Koei. Note that this does NOT follow the storyline of the games directly, but rather my adaption of it to suit my purposes. All characters used for non-profit amusement reasons, so please no lawsuits. Comments are appreciated, compliments and constructive criticism will be treasured, flames will be fed to the Gyuki boarbeasts…
Incidentally, yes, this is something of a 'Take That' to yaoi/yuri fics in general, as well as people who like to write about pairings that don't make any sense. (Hero/Villain for example.) No offense intended, as this is just meant to be a light-hearted parody.
"We… we have to stop it!" screamed the gray-skinned serpentmen soldiers as they slashed and cast spells at the floating orb of light, the mystical glowing whatever-it-was dodging everything directed against it. As more and more serpentmen became involved, the Dodomeki and Gyuki forces joining in soon after, the noise began to awaken the officers inside the castle.
Much to everyone's dismay.
"You IMBECILES have FIVE SECONDS to explain why you are yelling so loudly before I start shooting people until I feel better!" Masamune snarled, looking dangerous even clad only in his bedclothes and eyepatch. Da Ji, Kiyomori, Sun Wukong, Himiko (who was barely awake), Keiji, Dong Zhuo, Fuma, and Orochi himself were there as well, adding to the fear the soldiers felt.
The serpentmen shuddered at Masamune's words, well aware of the enchantment over the world that made anyone who used projectile weapons unable to run out of ammunition. To make matters worse, the orb escaped before the officers noticed.
"My l-lord," stuttered one of the fat-bellied commanders, "W-We… A s-sealed box was accidentally broken open. We have been trying to contain it, but it eludes all our weapons and spells."
"Idiots," Dong Zhuo muttered, pouring himself some wine, "No wonder we can't put down the resistance."
Himiko started snoring, having drifted off to sleep, laying up against Da Ji. The strategist gently woke her up, and said, "What box was it? We have several sealed beings in here."
The commander sketched the characters in the dirt on the floor of the castle. Orochi growled softly, and Da Ji cursed angrily.
Kiyomori frowned. "What is it? What do we face?"
Da Ji growled. "A nuisance. One that can be corrected, but it'll take time to do, and it'll cause a lot of havoc beforehand."
Orochi nodded. "The Salash must be contained. We do not have time to deal with the madness it creates."
In their concern, nobody noticed Fuma suddenly become much more interested..
Wukong twirled his staff idly. "What's so bad about this thing? What can it do?"
Da Ji sighed. "It's one of San Zang's experiments gone awry. I'm not surprised she didn't tell you about it," she said, "San Zang is… something of a love freak. She created the Salash to help spread the love. The problem was she's a lousy engineer. Instead of just enforcing romantic feelings in people, it induced them. Intense romantic feelings. In anyone. Even people who normally hate each other."
Sun Wukong snickered. "Yeah, that sounds like something my goof of a mistress would make."
Masamune sneered. "A creature that inflicts LOVE on people? How DISGUSTING!"
Dong Zhuo snorted. "Indeed. Love is useless so long as you have the right drugs and enough wine," he said, nodding sagely.
Da Ji scowled at him. Himiko was barely awake, and only half paying attention. Keiji snickered. Masamune growled. "Bah! It's foolish. What need have any of us for dalliances? Especially since the only women here are a child and a sadistic monster," the one-eyed young man said, sneering at Dong Zhuo.
Dong Zhuo sneered. "Pathetic child. You'd loosen up if you could get a girl. And there are females among the snakemen army, they're just all medics," he said, taking a long drink of wine, "As incompetent as our forces are, it's better that they are medics. They aren't bad in bed either if you're willing to look past the scales."
Pig, thought everyone else in the room, the humans shuddering at the thought of being with a serpentwoman. Masamune growled, fingering the grips of his pistols, which were stuck in the waistband of his bedclothes.
"Why are you even with us?!" Masamune growled, "You're a fat, useless fool, barely capable in battle without your retainers, and on top of that, Lu Bu, one of our BEST assets, refuses to return to us so long as you're in Lord Orochi's service!"
Dong Zhuo scowled. "Lu Bu is a fool who'll betray anyone. I was the FIRST one to join Lord Orochi! I SAVOR this world he has created! Unlike YOU, who are so foolishly honorable DESPITE your disdain for Kanetsugu, I am FAR more suited to service with Lord Orochi!!" he snarled.
Keiji snickered, and shook his head. "They're gonna be at this for hours, aren't they?"
"Idiots…" Fuma muttered from his perch in the rafters.
Orochi rolled his eyes, annoyed. "Everyone get ready. Send envoys to EVERY faction of the resistance and try to explain the situation. Getting that idiotic thing under control has to take priority otherwise we'll not get ANYTHING done."
Kiyomori nodded. "Thy will be done, my lord," he intoned.
Himiko yawned sleepily. "Do we have to?" she whimpered.
Da Ji smiled. "We'll take a carriage. You can sleep in there," she said.
Himiko smiled, resting her head on Da Ji's shoulder and yawning again.
Orochi nodded. "Wukong. Break up Dong Zhuo and Masamune's fight and get them ready. Then go to the mystics and tell them of the situation."
The monkey man nodded, and turned to the two arguing humans. But when he did, he noticed something floating above him.
"Um… This Salash thing… Is it a glowing pink ball of light?" he asked.
Orochi nodded. "Yes, but what does…" Orochi and Da Ji, both realizing what Wukong meant, whirled in the direction he was looking. The Salash was floating just above Dong Zhuo and Masamune, both of whom were still arguing and looked to be on the verge of killing each other.
Orochi snarled and fired a beam of crimson energy at the Salash, but it dodged the beam easily, zipping down and striking both Dong Zhuo and Masamune just as they were looking into each other's eyes.
Orochi and Da Ji stared in horror as both Dong Zhuo and Masamune froze, their eyes glowing as the magic of the Salash took hold of them. Keiji, Himiko, Kiyomori, Wukong, and Fuma watched warily as the two of them recovered, the Salash zipping away with a pleased-sounding chirp.
Dong Zhuo was the first to recover, groaning and staggering. "Ungh… What… What happened?" he asked. He looked up… and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. The muscular body, the young, boyish face marred only by the missing eye, the tousled brown hair…
"Wonderous…" he said softly.
"What are you talking about?" snapped Masamune instinctively, shaking his head to clear it. He looked up… and felt his heart start pounding. The regal, rounded figure before him made him feel warm inside… And for the first time, he realized how much he envied Dong Zhuo and his life of hedonism.
"I… I wanted to apologize for my earlier rudeness," Masamune said, his voice uncharacteristically soft, "It's just… when one feels as I do it is… difficult to express one's true feelings…"
Dong Zhuo smiled with surprising gentleness. He cupped Masamune's cheek in one hand, the handsome young man smiling warmly and leaning his face into it. "It is all right, Masamune," Dong Zhuo said, "All that's in the past now. All that matters is that we now see each other as we were truly meant to. A beautiful angel with a dragon's ferocity…"
"An elegant noble who's touch is as soft as his bulbous body…" Masamune added, blushing brightly.
"One-Eyed Dragon," Dong Zhuo said, "I adore you…"
"My lord Dong Zhuo," Masamune said, leaning in, "I wish to be with you always…"
Before the horrified faces of everyone else in the room, Dong Zhuo and Masamune embraced passionately, kissing one another as if they had found the love of their life.
Fuma began laughing so hard that he fell off of the rafter he was laying on, crashing through the table. "Such insanity. This is DELIGHTFUL!!"
"Nightmares," Keiji muttered, covering his face with one hand, "I'm gonna have nightmares about this…"
Kiyomori shook his head, looking ill, "This is wrong on so many levels…"
Orochi gave an irritated growl and forced Dong Zhuo and Masamune apart. "There will be time for tasting each other's tongues later… We have a job to do, remember?" he growled. And besides, Orochi mentally added, You both will thank me for this later.
Masamune blinked, and nodded, his professional demeanor returning. "Yes. Forgive me, my love, but Lord Orochi is right. We have to catch the Salash before it can hurt someone. We will have to wait until later to consummate our passion."
Keiji began dry heaving. Himiko looked confused out of her gourd.
Dong Zhuo nodded. "Of course," he said. He then slapped Masamune on the butt as he walked by him on the way to his room, making the younger man blush, "But not TOO much later."
Masamune grinned, and left for his own room to armor up. Orochi rubbed his temples. "Da Ji, prepare many MANY vials of that medicine you make for headaches. We're going to need it."
"Most assuredly, my lord," Da Ji said, shaking her head to try and clear the horrible images going through her mind. Himiko, extremely confused, looked around the room at the others, at the varying forms of disgust on everyone's face.
Well, everyone's save for Fuma, who had yet to stop laughing.
"Such madness! Such insanity! I LOVE IT!" the pale-skinned ninja laughed, pounding his fists on the floor in his amused hysterics.
"Enough," Kiyomori said, roughly picking Fuma up by his ponytails, "We must stop this disgusting thing before any other damage can be done. With my luck, it'll end up making me fall in love with Yoshitsune, or someone equally disgusting…"
Fuma's grin became catlike as he hung in Kiyomori's grasp.
Da Ji recognized that look immediately. "Don't you DARE…"
Fuma vanished in a blur of motion, his laughter echoing through the halls of the castle.
Himiko blinked. "Umm… What just happened?"
"Fuma has betrayed us," Orochi rumbled angrily, "He means to protect the Salash. A bad situation has just become worse. Everyone get dressed, get armed, and GET MOVING."
---TO BE CONTINUED---