HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KANDA! And this is the start of the 2010 LaviYu festival! Everyone go check out the festival's HQ at http: /thelaviyufesthq. livejournal. com and it'd be great if more people could join in on the contest that opens the festival. You can win a fic, from either me or hearmelaugh (mugen_edamame on LJ)!
Title: We Will Remember
Summary: Kanda wants to give Lavi an eternal scar, but he could never hurt him that much.
Rating: M - that means, a new rating on the whole thing, yeah.
Warnings: Yaoi, hint-ish sex between two men - don't like, don't read - insane-ish Kanda and... angst-ish?
Disclaimer: DGM belongs to the awesome Hoshino Katsura~
Rizuka's drabble! I'm very proud of this piece! It's been done for a week and a day, and I wanted to post it by then already but it was supposed to be for Kanda's birthday. xD
If Kanda's mood seems to swing around a bit too quickly, blame it on PMS. *SHOT* Nah, just kidding. That's because I was playing around with his sanity when writing this, if it feels that way, so yeah.
LaviYuu please... prompt: eternal
We Will Remember
Kanda sometimes wishes that there were things in the world that were eternal.
It's a silly thing, a naïve thing, a stupid thing, because nothing is eternal
Not even the damn soul is, even if so many people believe so. But it can die. Order members know that.
Everything will come to an end one day, no matter how long it takes. Everything, mark his words. Anything that has a beginning needs to have an end. That's just how it works. Circle of life, that sort of shit. Except it can't be a circle because life ends, and circles don't, circles just disappear.
Everything will disappear one day, more exactly.
Even those incredible memories of the Bookmen.
Kanda sometimes wishes there were things that would be stored in this world forever. No; would be stored in some sort of existence forever, because this world will disappear too one day. One day. Maybe after a million years, but it will.
But some things should exist forever.
Like memories of tender kisses, of watching someone sleep, of waking up next to someone, of the feeling of someone's warm arms, of the feeling of naked skin against naked skin, of nails digging into said naked skin, of someone being inside of you, of being inside of someone. Those sort of memories. Those that are worth keeping.
The feeling of loving someone more than you thought was even possible.
Kanda knows his life is short, and his time with Lavi is possibly even shorter, and that's why he wants so badly for those sort of things to be eternal. Somehow. He wants it so badly that he sometimes, while watching Lavi, considers giving him a scar so bad that it will last until he dies.
But he can't hurt Lavi in that way.
It sounds pretty insane, doesn't it? Maybe Kanda is insane. Sometimes he just gets this very heavy urge to hurt Lavi just so that it will be remembered. But he doesn't have to hurt Lavi for him to be remembered. He doesn't.
'Remember me,' Kanda thinks, without the guts to spill it, when he kisses Lavi in the early morning while the latter is still half asleep.
Love has made him sappy and weak, made him into a coward, so that he can't even say what he so badly wants to say. He wants to show it somehow, but he doesn't know how. So he once again considers hurting Lavi and tell him that "this scar will make you remember". But that's just not right.
Love has turned him into a coward so that he can't say what he wants to say to the one who should - needs to - hear it. And it pisses him off.
Lavi stirs and his lips spread into that wide, content smile he only wears while sleeping or when tired. Or just generally lazy. Which he is pretty often, actually.
Stupid smile (that Kanda loves so much).
Kanda promptly lies down and turns away, emitting an I-didn't-do-anything-got-it aura. He always does that, it's their thing. Lavi knows he did do something, anyway. Kanda always does something affectionate when Lavi hasn't quite waken up (so that he knows but Kanda can claim to have thought he was asleep). Don't tell anyone.
Lavi turns after him to face his back, and does their other little thing, which is the butt-squeeze morning greeting.
Kanda grunts silently and lightly jabs his elbow into Lavi's ribs. It's followed by a silent laugh through the nose from Lavi and Kanda feels an arm drape over him as the redhead snuggles up to his back and nuzzles his nose against the back of his neck, where it sort of tickles a little. But Kanda's skin only twitches when it tickles, because Kanda doesn't laugh, even if it tickles a lot.
"Kiss," Lavi mumbles tiredly and drags himself up so that it seems he's trying to climb over Kanda but stops half-way there instead. Kanda's vision is blocked by lots of red when Lavi leans down to place a kiss on his lips, however unsuccesfully so it ends up right outside the edge of his lips instead.
Kanda smirks. "Good job, moron," he drawls. "Now get off me."
Lavi slides off Kanda with a whine and presses his lips to Kanda's neck so that he can feel the pout on said lips.
"I don't feel like getting crushed first thing in the morning, so don't give me that," he says, but not bitterly. Just amusingly.
Lavi huffs and sniffs and whines for a little, but when he's ignored he just flops onto his back instead and stretches as he yawns. Kanda slowly gets out of the bed and goes to hunt down some clothes as Lavi does his long stretching and yawning and eye-rubbing morning routine that finishes when Kanda has hunted down some clothes and put them on. Lavi then proceeds to turn onto his side and curl up under the blanket.
Kanda stares at the lump that is the idiot rabbit and folds his arms. "If you want to eat with me, then get up," he says blankly. "You have five minutes."
"What do I get in return?" comes the muffled reply from the blanket.
"I'll let you undress me before bed," Kanda says, still with the same tone.
Lavi throws the blanket to the side and rolls off the bed.
. . .
They're tangled in the sheets of the bed. They just had a bit of a wrestling match, because Lavi was being annoying, and now Kanda's hair is a mess and his hairband has almost slid off completely, and Lavi's eye patch is askew and his headband is lying somewhere among the heaps of fabric. Kanda fixes the position of Lavi's eye patch, doesn't miss the way the redhead tenses for a moment but doesn't pay it any mind, and tugs at Lavi's shirt to get him to move closer even if they already are pretty close, and breathing heavily.
It's pretty hot.
But just because of the wrestling, mind you.
"Are you going to do your part of the bargain or not?" Kanda asks between the breathing and strokes Lavi's jaw with his fingertips. Stroke, stroke, wants to touch and not stop touching ever, ever. It feels so good to touch.
"Mmm want me to undress ya that badly, Yu?" Lavi murmurs with that mischievious tone and a smile that fits it as Kanda places one of his hands on his clothed chest.
"Che no, you're always so annoyingly slow."
Lavi gets to work on the buttons of Kanda's shirt and caresses the skin as it's exposed to only him.
"Isn't everything I do annoying?"
Kanda huffs and stares at Lavi's collarbone as he enjoys the feeling of his lover's fingers on his skin. No, this isn't really annoying, he rather likes it, really. But it all depends on the mood he's in at that moment. Right now, he's feeling sort of slow himself, so he doesn't mind the slowness.
"No," he says, very quietly.
Lavi pauses, but only for a very brief moment, and then continues with a thoughtful hum. Once the buttons are undone and Kanda moves his hands to Lavi's shoulders, gently kneeding, Rabbit strokes his palm across Kanda's collarbone and pushes the fabric out of the way, so that it slips off Kanda's shoulder on its own. The hand moves further up, and the fingers press down on the underside of his jaw and tilts his head up so he has to look at that incredibly green eye.
"No?" Lavi whispers and leans forward to brush his lips against Kanda's.
Kanda's eyelids flutter shut, and he initiates the deep kiss that makes it get hotter. Not because of the wrestling this time. It's the press of a tongue here, and scrape of teeth there, and Lavi starts to lean over Kanda as the shirt ends up somewhere over by the window. Kanda strokes his hands down so that he can reach under Lavi's shirt, and the kiss breaks so that he can pull it off, much quicker than Lavi removes clothes. Kanda just does it that way.
"I could do this forever and ever~" Lavi cooes and begins to push Kanda down.
Kanda suddenly feels the need to say things that he has wanted to say for a while. So he puts his palms firmly against Lavi's chest, holding him at that distance, and turns his head away when Lavi tries to start another kiss, and frowns.
"Lavi... I..." he begins hesitatingly, but he was never much for the whole sentimentality thing, so he settles with getting angry instead. "Don't say stupid shit like that." 'Don't make me want to hurt you.' "Even if you use that stupid tone I... I don't want to hear that. Our time is too limited, and I hate that. I don't... I want..."
'I want this to last forever, damn it, but that's not possible, and I can't fucking tell you either.'
"But that's impossible, so—"
He scowls angrily and shoves Lavi away rather violently, but follows him, so that he falls on his back with Kanda on top of him, and they're suddenly free from the tangle of sheets.
"Lavi, we will end one day," Kanda mutters, and stares down at Lavi, and he feels angrier and angrier for every word that falls out of his damn mouth but that he can't stop, and it can probably be seen in his eyes. Lavi seems to see it. "There's nothing we can do to stop that, but I want to, but I'm not stupid, so I don't deny the fact that we can't stop that. I want this... to last... Damn it."
Lavi grabs Kanda's hands, and smiles. Kanda sort of shudders.
"But whoever of us disappears first... If I die, or you leave, for your fucking Bookman business, then... We won't forget any of this."
"No," Lavi says, and pulls him down, puffs air onto his nose and wraps this sort of strange calm around him, stills his anger. "Why would we?"
He exhales and properly straddles Lavi, who undoes his belt with just one hand. He fists his hands on the mattress beside Lavi's head, hovers barely close enough for their breaths to mix, and then rocks slightly, driving his hips into Lavi's.
They both shudder, Kanda moves his head down, Lavi moves his head up, and they meet in the middle in puffs of air and a silent moan.
Kanda knows that nothing is eternal.
But, like this, with one of Lavi's heels pressed to the small of his back and Lavi's thighs slipping against his sides, he feels entirely sure that he will be remembered by someone for as long as possible. He digs his nails into Lavi's shoulder just like Lavi digs his nails into his back, and leans down with bared teeth to bruise the redhead's exposed neck.
Lavi makes no sound of protest.
It won't leave scars, but it will have to be enough.