A BANANA A DAY DOESN'T KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY…IN FACT, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
A Hogan's Heroes story
By Deana

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This one-shot is the result of an actual scene in the season one episode, 'The Scientist'. When Hogan is in the middle of his hilarious tirade in the hotel, he's smashing things on the counter, and all of a sudden, we see Newkirk flick at a banana, as if he's trying to get it off the counter before Hogan smashes it! Ever since I spotted that, I've been wondering why on earth Richard Dawson did that, while filming. Here's the explanation I came up with for Newkirk doing it, LOL!

To watch the actual scene, go to youtube and type 'Hogan's Heroes The Scientist Hotel Scene' and my clip will be at the top of the list! The banana-flick is at 2:59. Watch his right hand. LOL!

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Hogan sat by the radio, having just been told by the Underground a short time ago that DuBois the scientist and his daughter were safely handed over to them by Newkirk. Satisfied, he stood, to go back up into the barracks, when he heard the tree stump open. Knowing that Newkirk had returned, Hogan walked over to the ladder and watched as the Corporal descended. "The Underground sent word; they're both safe."

Newkirk smiled as he approached the last rung. "A job well done, then." He stepped off the ladder, but suddenly hissed and shook his right hand, as if it hurt.

There was a kerosene lamp right beside them, and Hogan caught a glimpse of color on the other man's skin. "What happened?" he asked, grabbing Newkirk's wrist and looking at his hand.

Newkirk shrugged. "Nothin'."

Hogan frowned. There was a large raised welt across the back of the Englishman's hand that had turned purple and blue. "Nothing? Did you encounter a patrol on the way back?"

Newkirk shook his head. "No…it 'appened in the 'otel, when we were waitin' for them to bring us the girl."

Hogan couldn't stop the quick smile that crossed his face…he'd had the time of his life yelling at the Germans and busting up the hotel. "But no one touched you."

"No one, sir, true."

Hogan frowned at the cryptic reply.

Newkirk shrugged. "It was ya ridin' crop, Colonel. While ya were smackin' everythin' on the counter, me 'and got in the way."

Hogan's eyebrows shot up. "What?" He looked at Newkirk's hand again, realizing that the welt was in the exact shape of the swagger-stick. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's all right, guv. It was me own fault."

"Did you take something off the counter?"

Newkirk hesitated, making a show of removing the belt and jacket of his SS uniform, as if he were stalling. "Not quite."

"What, then?"

Newkirk sighed. "Um…"

Hogan frowned. "Well?"

Newkirk bit his lip and looked at the floor. "Well, sir, I...flicked the banana." He winced at his own words.

Hogan blinked. "You…flicked…the…banana?"

Newkirk shook his head. This was sounding as ridiculous as he knew it would. "Well, ya see, there was a bowl of fruit—"

"I remember."

"Ya smacked the orange, an' it sprayed all over me," Newkirk told him. "I was afraid that ya were gonna smack the banana next, so I tried to flick it off the counter before ya 'ad a chance."

Hogan couldn't hide his incredulous expression. "Why were you afraid of the banana?"

"I'm not afraid of 'em!" Newkirk exclaimed, pulling his blue sweater over his head. "I'm allergic to 'em, an' didn't want it to splash me in the face!"

Hogan blinked. "You're allergic to bananas?"

Newkirk nodded. Finished changing, he tiredly walked over to the bench and plopped down on it. "Right. When I eat one, I can't breathe."

Hogan was surprised to hear that.

"Right before I was sent on the mission that got me shot down 'ere, I ate what I thought was pound cake. It turned out to be banana bread. Nearly killed me, it did. I ended up in 'ospital for two days."

"Are you serious?"

Newkirk nodded.

"A banana a day doesn't keep the doctor away in your case, does it?"

Newkirk gave him a withered look.

"Sorry." Hogan shook his head, shocked. "Do any of the others know?"

Newkirk shrugged. "Just LeBeau. I told him that bananas don't agree with me, and to warn me if he makes anythin' with 'em."

Hogan gave an incredulous exclamation. "He doesn't know, then! Newkirk, 'deathly allergic' and 'don't agree with me' are very different!"

"But it sound so silly, Colonel! Ya saw that I didn't even wanna explain to ya the whole banana-flick incident!"

Hogan shook his head again. "I see your point, but if something is a matter of life or death, then it doesn't matter how silly it sounds."

Newkirk nodded. "Yeah." He sighed again. "I jus' don't like attention, Colonel. Ya know that once the others find out, Carter will probably make 'imself me personal food-taster." He said it with a slight smile.

Hogan grinned. "You're probably right. Can you blame him, though? If you found out that a certain food did the same thing to him, wouldn't you keep a lookout?"

Newkirk looked at him. "True."

Hogan slapped him on the shoulder. "Let's go upstairs. Maybe we can get Schultz to fetch you some ice to take the swelling down."

Newkirk nodded and stood. Just before he reached for the ladder, Hogan spoke again.

"You don't have anymore 'life or death' matters that I need to know about, do you?"

Newkirk shrugged. "That's for me to know an' you to maybe find out." With that, he headed up.

Hogan shook his head. "I'll kill him myself," he mumbled.

"No, Colonel," suddenly floated down the ladder. "There isn't."

Hogan sighed. "That's a relief. Being the one in charge can really drive a person bananas."

The sound of Newkirk's laughter filled the tunnel.

THE END
LOL!