It was a wonderful day in Hobbiton. The plants were singing and the birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky. The short, hairy people were all going around doing their various activities, whatever it is they do since video games have not been invented and they don't have the internet to publish their fanfiction stories.
But we don't care about the hobbits. The One Ring had found its way to a small Mexican girl named Dora, who was an explorer who traveled around with a monkey because her parents simply did not care about her safety. For some inadequately explored reason she was in Middle Earth. For another inadequately explored reason she had adopted a strange new manner of speech.
"O Boots! The monkey that I call my friend!
Whenever I wear this ring of gold
I see a demonic eye made of fire
Watching me with a gaze that is so cold.
But soft! What man approaches me today?
Perhaps it is Tom Bombadil, hooray!"
But sadly it was not Tom Bombadil, it was Dora's good friend Gandalf the Wizard. Having utterly abandoned the hobbits to their trivial pursuits (but not the game because that had not been invented yet) he made a request to Dora, the bearer of the One Ring.
"Mexican explorer girl, and monkey
Who wears red boots! I come from Isengard
With dire news: The Ring must be destroyed
In the flames of Mordor, and you two shall,
With no words of question, travel forth to
The land of shadow that no light touches.
Take thy map and thy backpack, travel on
Through these lands, to the Dark Lord Sauron's home
The black tower of Barad-dûr, brave souls!"
Dora, knowing a great adventure when she saw one, accepted the task. She responded:
"Although I do not know the way to go,
I shall ask my liege, the Map, to help me.
Come forth, O Map, and give us thy knowledge."
The Map, hearing its name, peeked out of Dora's backpack, and looked in the direction of the adoring children watching TV. Seeing their smiling faces, he leaped all the way out and opened up, then proceeded to do a dance while standing on top of himself. In the span of about 5 seconds he broke both the fourth wall and the laws of physics.
"How now, Dora the Explorer? You call
Upon the Map, and so I answer thee.
The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie
Itself lies beyond many obstacles.
Your quest to Mount Doom begins here, in the
Old Forest, and ye shall take the road on
Through Rhudaur, to the Mines of Moria
Exiting the catacombs into the
Forest of Lorien, home to Elrond
and the elves, the Fair Folk of Arda.
Continue to the vast plains of Rohan
And travel through Fangorn, land of the Ents.
Follow the long rushing river Entwash
To Nindalf and the Dead Marshes, there ye
Shall gaze upon fallen warriors who
Failed the same quest, ere you started. They serve
Simply as a warning, nothing more. Soft!
Here you shall see the towering peaks of
Ephel Dúath, the Black Mountains of Mordor.
Keep your courage, and see through your brave quest.
Destroy the One Ring in the flames of Doom."
"I shall take the quest, under one simple
Prerequisite: The path must end after
The Mines of Moria. You beseech me
To take the Ring to Mount Doom, in Mordor,
But the path is long, and winds through many
Locales, which I cannot express in song.
I ask thee, shorten that road far ahead
To only three landmarks, and nothing more."
"O Explorer, in whom our last hope lies,
This task we request of you cannot be
Made so simple. You must go ever on."
Dora's face twisted in rage, as she said: