"Love Spelled Backwards is VD"
Penname: Stupid Leeches
Title of your story: A Lesson In Love
Mike Newton follows Edward's lead to create the "perfect" Valentine's Day for Jessica. Unfortunately, Edward is playing him the whole time.
Primary Players: Edward/Bella (Vampire), Mike/Jessica (Human)
Disclaimer: I hate Mike Newton, he's such a candy ass pussy. If I owned these characters, Edward would have bitten him before Bella even arrived in Forks. Unfortunately, I don't own these characters, SM does. So, instead, I will torture him in this manner.
Edward Cullen didn't need his vampire hearing or his "extra" talent to know Mike Newton was in trouble. Edward and his wife Bella loved coming to the Forks Coffee Shop. Not for the coffee, obviously, they just loved the atmosphere and getting to be around humans. They were entertaining.
Bella smirked at Edward. The had both overheard Mike's last phone conversation. Most of the diner had heard it. Mike's on-again, off-again girlfriend, Jessica Stanley, was threatening to put the relationship on a permanent hiatus if Mike didn't step up. Valentine's Day was just a few days away and she expected a nice, romantic evening.
The best part of the phone conversation, and the reason why both Edward and Bella were currently biting back their laughter, was Jessica shouting into the phone, "Look at Edward Cullen. He treats Bella like a goddess. Why don't you treat me that way, Mike? You could take a few lessons from him on how to show someone you care. If you even care about me."
Edward leaned forward so only Bella could hear him when he spoke, "Love, would you mind if I had a little fun at Mike's expense?"
"Of course not." Bella was still doing her best to contain her laughter, "Jessica could do so much better than Mike Newton. Perhaps you could help show her that little fact."
Edward nodded then grinned widely when Bella slowly stood. Bella was still overly cautious in public, trying not to act out of the ordinary. Bella kissed Edward's cheek chastely before speaking a little louder than necessary, "I'll see you later, Edward. I have a few errands to run this afternoon."
Bella waved to a few people she knew as she walked out. Edward continued to sit in the booth, still as a statue, waiting. He knew it wouldn't take long for Mike to give in. Mike never liked Edward, and Edward felt the same way in return. However, Mike was desperate, and desperate times called for desperate measures. Including asking someone you disliked for a few pointers in romance.
Edward didn't have to wait long. Not ten minutes after Bella left, Edward heard a chair scraping across the floor then Mike approaching. Edward did not lift his head from his coffee cup (still full, of course) until Mike was standing next to him, clearing his throat, loudly.
When Edward slowly lifted his head there was a polite smile plastered on his face. Thankfully he and Bella had just been hunting the previous day, so he wasn't thirsty. However, the need to kill Mike Newton was always present. This wasn't because Edward thirsted for his blood. No, far from it, Edward would like nothing more than to never taste Mike's blood. He just wanted this annoying prick dead.
Edward clearly heard Mike's thoughts running through his head. I will never understand what Bella sees in this guy. She could do so much better than him. Yeah, I guess he's attractive but he's so weird. I can't believe she married him. Of course, if she left him, I'd be happy to jump in and be her rebound guy. Help her get over him.
Images of reaching out and twisting Mike's head until his neck broke flashed through Edward's mind. Sad. Really can't do that. Maybe another day. This thought made Edward smile. "Hello Mike. How are you today? Please, have a seat."
Mike shuffled back and forth on his feet, looking around the diner before finally sitting. He continue to look around the diner when he begins speaking, "Hey. Uh. I could use some, uh, help, from you."
"How can I be of assistance, Mike?" Edward folded his hands on the table, leaning back against the seat. He waited quietly for Mike to explain the situation.
Apparently Mike was finally sure the restaurant was "safe" enough for him to actually talk directly to Edward. Mike rubbed one hand across his face in frustration. He moved that hand to his hair, tugging at the little bit he had left. Aging had not been kind to Mike Newton. Barely twenty-one and his hair was already greying and thinning on top. Additionally, his lack of exercise and horrible diet caused his belly to become rounded, sticking out over his belt buckle.Of course, in Mike's mind, he was still the stud of Forks High School. The "stud" leaned back, eyeing Edward cautiously. "It's my girlfriend, Jessica. She is expecting a romantic evening on Valentine's Day. I guess my mom cooking us a dinner that we share over candlelight in The Outfitters store isn't romantic enough for her."
"Wow, I don't know why she would have a problem with that. It sounds like a lovely evening," Edward managed to say without cracking a smile. His face was poker straight, giving nothing away.
Mike huffed in frustration, "I know! I thought it was a great plan for Valentine's Day. But no, not Miss high-and-mighty-Jessica. Nope, she's too good for The Outfitters. She keeps talking about going to Seattle. Good riddance in my opinion."
"Uh, Mike, are you even interested in Jessica?"
Mike shrugged his shoulders and wrinkled his nose, "She's ok. I mean, I like her I guess. She gets on my nerves a lot. She expects a lot out of me. Mostly I just stick with her because she puts out regularly. You know, a man has needs."
Edward nodded slowly, making his decision in that moment. While he didn't want to 'hurt' Jessica per-se, he completely agreed with Bella, Jessica deserved better. Not much better, but better than Mike Newton. Edward quickly made a plan in his mind.
"I totally understand the situation, Mike. So what do you need from me?" Once again, Edward was testing the limits of his control by not doubling over in laughter.
Mike glanced down at the table, not making eye contact with Edward, "Do you have any 'romantic' tips or suggestions you could give me for Valentine's Day? Anything that will appease Jessica?"
Edward tapped his finger against his chin, pretending to think. In actuality, he was translating the word 'garbage' in his mind. "How does Jessica feel about Italian?"
Mike grinned then frowned, "She never turns down a hot pizza. She doesn't like cold pizza in the morning though."
Edward refrained from rolling his eyes at Mike's obvious cluelessness, "I meant more formal Italian."
"I don't know, other than when my mom makes something for us, we usually just eat here at the diner or do fast food."
"Well, there is a new Italian restaurant that just opened outside of town. Very exclusive, hard to get in. I'm sure they are booked for Valentine's Day already, but I could make a few phone calls, if you would like? It's called Immondizia, have you heard of it?"
Mike's head starts bobbing up and down, "Uh, it sounds familiar. My mom might have mentioned it."
Edward, of course, knew Mike was lying. He had never heard of Immondizia, because it didn't exist, yet.
Mike looked concerned when he continued, "Uh, how much would a typical dinner there cost? I'm sort of on a limited budget. I just got a new jet ski and I'm paying my parent's back for it currently. You understand."
"Of course I understand. It can get quite expensive, however, for you, I will talk to the manager. We will work something out. Only the best for your Valentine, right?" Edward smirks, unable to control himself any longer. However, this was all he would allows himself to show.
Mike continued to bob his head, "Yeah yeah, only the best. Hey, you have any connections with a limo company? Know of any discounts I might be able to get there?"
Edward just grinned broadly, knowing the plan was falling right into place. "Of course, in fact, the owner of the local company owes me a favor. Expect the limo to pick you and Jessica up at her house at seven on Valentine's Day. I will make your reservations for eight, that way you can both enjoy cocktails in the car for a while before arriving at the restaurant."
"Hey, that sounds great, no cost, right? That's amazing, thanks man." Mike was grinning from ear-to-ear.
"Of course, happy to help. I'm a sucker for romance. Happy Valentine's Day, Mike. I hope it is everything you deserve." Edward tossed a few dollars on the table, standing to leave.
Edward waved back at Mike, who was still sitting at the table. Mike was on the phone with Jessica, telling her all about his amazing plans for Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, this was going to be a Valentine's Day Mike deserved.
Edward spent most of Valentine's Day morning setting up with Emmett and Jasper. All of the Cullen's were in on the plan and were excited for the upcoming entertainment. Jasper was hooking the computer up to the TV in the living room while Emmett and Edward were setting up the camera in the limo.
Edward did have to purchase a limo, but the other Cullen's were happy to chip in on that expense. The plan was for Emmett to be the limo driver, but he would not get out of the car or lower the screen. Edward had already texted Mike with this information, letting him know the driver was not to be disturbed. The reason given to Mike was that the driver was a Gulf War vet that did not like to be touched or talked to directly.
A few hours before Mike's little lesson in love was to begin, Jacob stopped by the house to pick up Renesmee. Ness was a young lady of about twelve now. Jacob, as her 'best friend', decided it would be fun to take Ness out on a Valentine's Day 'friends' date. Edward and Bella agreed as soon as they saw how excited Ness was at the idea of a 'friends' date with Jacob.
With Ness out of the house, the family all made final preparations for the night ahead. Esme and Alice had spent the day setting up Immondizia. They both reeked when they came home and headed straight for their respective bathrooms. Around six the family all convened in the living room. Emmett was fully dressed in the role as limo driver and the back of the limo was clearly visible on the big screen television in the living room.
Edward wanted to go over the plan one last time with Emmett, "Alright, Emmett, remember, main thing is to make sure Jessica gets back in the limo. Take off as soon as she is safe in the limo."
"I got this man, no worries. I have my bluetooth headset, so you better keep me updated on what is going on in the back seat. Warn me before Newton starts making grunting noises." Emmett faked dry heaving at this comment.
Edward patted Emmett on the shoulder, "Trust me, I'm sure the grunting will only last a few seconds with Newton."
Emmett laughed boisterously at this comment, waving at the family as he left. Edward texted Mike again, letting him know the limo was on it's way to Jessica's house. Mike responds back, "Thanks, my mom is dropping me off at her house shortly, thanks again man. Looks like I'm going to score tonight!"
The remaining Cullen's congregated in the living room. A speaker phone was set up on the coffee table and each family member was sitting comfortably on the couch or chairs surrounding the table. The each had their eyes trained on the flat screen television in front of them.
Not long after, they heard a beep coming from both the speaker phone and the television, alerting them that Emmett had arrived at Jessica's house. It was seven o'clock on Valentine's Day.
The door to the limo opened and in slid Mike Newton.
Every single family member started laughing at this, Carlisle the loudest, "Are you kidding me? In my time he would have been strung up by his toe nails for that."
"Such a rude little human. I'm so glad we taught our boys manners dear," Esme commented as she snuggled up against Carlisle.
Jessica climbed in the limo after Mike, however, Mike wanted to be closest to the bar, so he refused to move. Jessica had to climb over Mike in her heels and short dress. As she twisted around Mike, a ripping sound could clearly be heard. Alice gasped, "Not the Herve Leger sequined bandage dress! It had better just be the lining that tore or I'm going to rip Newton's throat out!"
Jasper calmed Alice down. Thankfully they saw on the video feed that when Jessica checked, it was, indeed just the lining that was torn. As the room settled down, Rose began to curl her nose up, "What the hell is Newton wearing? Is that actually a bolo tie? Did his mom also dress him? I wouldn't even allow Emmett to wear one of those when they were 'cool' in the eighties or nineties."
Bella sniggered at this comment, "Even I know those aren't cool. Hell, Charlie knows those aren't cool. I bet he borrowed it from his dad. I remember when I used to work at The Outfitters, Mr. Newton would wear those things all the time."
The Cullen's fell silent as they listened in to the awkward conversation between Mike and Jessica. Mike poured a glass of champagne for each of them, but forgot to toast, tossing his back in just a few sips. Jessica watched him in horror. He poured himself a second glass then turned to her, "What?"
Jessica shook her head and sipped her champagne, "So tell me about this restaurant."
"Uh, well, I heard about it from a friend of mine. It's really hard to get reservations, but being a future owner of the biggest outfitter's store in Forks helped. It's called Immondizia, it's an Italian restaurant. Really expensive." Mike emphasized the 'really' in expensive, wanting Jessica to think he was spending a lot on this dinner. Especially since he hadn't gotten her a gift. This was her gift.
Jessica seemed surprised by this, "Wow, are you sure you can afford it, Mike?"
"Got it covered, no worries, only the best for you baby. So...have you ever had sex in a limousine?" Mike wiggled his eyebrows at Jessica.
Emmett's voice whispered from the speaker phone on the coffee table, "Did he really just ask her about having sex in a limousine?"
Rose giggled, "Don't worry babe, you survive this and I'll buy that limousine from Edward. You and I will take it for a spin. Maybe we can hire Newton to be our driver!"
"Fine," Emmett grumbled.
Jessica looked put off by this question from Mike, "You want to have sex in the limousine? With the driver right there?"
"He gets paid not to pay attention to what goes on back here. Besides, you look good in that dress, I'm about to cum you look so fucking hot."
Alice screeched at this, "I swear to God, if he gets jizz on that dress, I will cut his pencil dick off!"
Edward was surprised at Alice's rage, "Alice, you knew he would probably do this. Why did you lend her that dress?"
"I didn't loan that dress to her. I wore it once and I was done with it. I happily gave it to Jessica to wear on this special occasion. But come on, have respect for the dress. You don't just have a quick fuck in a Herve Leger dress."
Alice flopped back in the chair, covering her eyes with her hands, "Tell me when the torture of that beautiful dress is done."
Edward winked at Bella then turned to Alice, "Don't worry, I know from Mike's thoughts he doesn't last long. The torture will be over quickly."
The family could see Jessica shrug, "Fine, I guess it would be ok. But can I get off first?"
"Yeah yeah, sure babe, of course." Mike pulled Jessica onto his lap, lifting the dress so she could straddle him.
With no preamble, all of the Cullen's could hear Mike unzip his pants. He slid down a little lower on the seat and pulled Jessica forward. He yanked her head down to his mouth by her hair.
Jessica slapped at his hands and complained, "Ouch Mike, I've told you time and time again, don't pull me by my hair. I don't like it rough, and you ruined three hours of work."
"Whatever, you ready? I can't wait much longer, I've been hard for like ten minutes." Mike pushed Jessica's panties aside and pushed her hips down onto him. "Ugh, yeah baby, that's what I needed."
"Are you in?" Jessica looked surprised and annoyed. "Just don't kiss me ok. I finally got this lipstick just right. And if I sweat I'm going to be pissed."
Bella, Alice, Esme, and Rosalie were doubled over in laughter at Jessica's question.
"He's so small..."
"She can't fucking feel him? THAT is priceless!"
"Are they fucking back there?" Emmett whispered over the phone?
Edward chuckled as he responded, "Yes, but it's nothing for you to worry about. It will be over..."
Before Edward finished that thought, Mike lifted his hips a couple of times and grunted against Jessica's shoulder, "Ugh, yeah, fuck, baby!"
Jessica rolled her eyes, pulling her skirt back down and adjusting her panties before moving back to her seat. The Cullen's could see Mike all but passed out, his head lolling against the back of the seat. Thankfully, he had tucked himself back into his pants, so they didn't have to see the gory details of Mike's 'manhood'.
"I thought you were going to let me get off this time, Mike. God you are such a selfish pig." Jessica grabbed her glass and tossed back the rest of the champagne.
Mike grunted, attempting to turn his head to look at Jessica, "Aw, baby. I'm sorry, you just feel so fucking good, I couldn't wait. Come here, I'll finger fuck you until you cum."
The limousine stopped. Jessica just grabbed her purse, checking her hair and make-up. "You can finger fuck me later, it's a hell of a lot better than your little dick. God, you ruined my hair! Clean yourself up, this is a nice place and I want to look like we belong here."
Jessica quickly climbed over Mike to exit the limousine. Mike sighed, running a hand through his hair quickly and adjusting his bolo tie. "This had better be good Cullen. But if not, I hope Jessica dumps my ass, because the quick fucks are not worth hearing her bitch all the time."
The door to the limousine remained open as Mike exited. The Cullen's could all hear Jessica screaming at Mike, "What the fuck is that smell? Where the hell is the restaurant, Mike? Is this supposed to be a fucking joke? WE ARE AT THE FUCKING GARBAGE DUMP!"
Before Mike responded, Jessica climbed back into the limousine, slamming the door. She banged her fists on the divider window, "Driver, take me home."
The limousine sped off. A few minutes later, Edward received a text message on his phone, "You fucking suck, Cullen. Don't ever talk to me again."
A week later, Mike checked the mail at the store and found a small envelope addressed to him. The return address read "Lessons in Love, Inc.". After the disaster of last weekend, Mike was willing to take any hints.
He opened the envelope to find a DVD included. Mike went to the back room, clearing everyone out. He popped the DVD into the player and leaned back in the chair.
Mike was shocked when Edward Cullen's face appeared on the television. "Mike, I'm sorry last weekend didn't turn out like you expected. If you will continue watching this DVD, I have provided you with some actual romance tips, based on the occurrences of last weekend. What you will see is a video tape of last weekend. I went through the footage, adding in comments and pointers where necessary. I have slowed down the footage when there are more than a few pointers for you. "
Mike never wanted to hear from Cullen again. However, after Jessica broke up with him last weekend, he was in need of some help. There was a new waitress at the Forks Coffee Shop that he was interested in. Maybe Cullen's tips could help him with bagging her.
Mike watched the video, horrified that Cullen had seen, and commented, on all of it.
As the video ended, Cullen's face appeared again, "I would recommend you study this video a lot before you try dating another woman any time soon, Mike. There are more lessons in love I could provide to you, but this is a good start. Good luck."
A/N: Thank you to my AMAZING beta DailyiCandy for pushing this through so quickly. You rock my socks off!