Yes, it's slightly belated, but I do have it. I'm sorry, fanfiction did not cooperate with me yesterday ;_; Anywho, I can't take full credit for this list, because I owe numbers 32-47 to Applaudissement Sonique, I got a ton of help on the final 70 from Crazywing and Flyleaf, DustyStroodle gave me a few, as did BlackFlurryOfSnow. I have to give a little credit to Shakespeare for some inspiration, and EvbTheWeredogan and KaryRyze. Without them, you would have gotten 3 ways to annoy Frederic XD
HAPPY SLIGHTLY BELATED 200TH, FREDERIC!!!
200 Ways To Annoy, Embarrass, and otherwise Drive Mad Frederic Chopin on His Birthday
An Eternal Sonata Fanfic
Collected and Typed Up by child of the gallows
1. Give Salsa a Red Bull. See if she grows wings.
2. If she does, have her take Frederic on a joyride over Forte/Baroque. No safety equipment required.
3. If she doesn't, she'll be super hyper anyway.
4. Hold a no handed cake eating contest.
5. Call him Freddy, Fred, Fred-ola, Francois, C-Man, Fredward, Fredwig, Emelifred, Piano Man, Fredericka, FFC, Top Hat, Deadfred, Fred-tacular, and Rick all in one sentence while ruffling his hair.
6. Add to that list.
7. Refer to him as a she.
8. Get in a big argument over whether his name is pronounced show-pan or show-paaahhhn.
9. Write bad lyrics to every one of his compositions.
10. Buy him a saxophone for his birthday.
11. Buy tickets to a Metallica concert and take him with.
12. Break out the video camera.
13. Plan a surprise party. Watch and laugh at his expression as Waltz, Tuba, Fugue, and other enemies pop out.
14. Again, video camera.
15. Go through a phase where you are convinced that it is a dream and want to prove it to him. Pinch, poke, pull his hair, and finally push him into a lake. Then come to a verdict when he is soaking.
16. Claim convincingly that you are Emelia reincarnated. A few hours later, when he calls you Emelia, claim you have no idea what he is talking about.
17. When he is gone for a minute or two, sneak into his room and start ripping and burning his compositions.
18. When he walks back into the room, claim you were saving him from the work of evil.
19. Make him join Alcoholics Anonymous.
20. Sign him up for the Witness Protection Program. Change his name to Ineta Bath or something similar.
21. Hang up many pictures of Frederic in Polka's room, then invite him in...
22. Do the same to Solfege's room.
23. Do the same thing to his room, except use pictures of Franz Liszt (because we all know about those two...)
24. Dress up exactly like he does and claim he stole your outfit idea.
25. Spell his name wrong in a letter and give it to him. Use his misspelled name 50 times and write about pointless things.
26. Give Polka a love letter. Make it look like it's from him. Spell his name wrong. Write it like a rap.
27. Wake him up several times a night for a few days before his birthday party so he gets very little sleep. When he falls asleep during the party, move him to a room that looks exactly like his apartment in Paris and have a bunch of good actors there so he believes he is alive again. Then have Beat charge in and scream THE AGOGOS ARE ON A RAMPAGE and run out. (Inspired by the Taming of the Shrew by Shakespeare)
28. Show him a bunch of biographies about him and ask him if he was really that emo when he was alive.
29. Introduce him to the oldest person you can find. Then study both very closely and declare that you still think Frederic is older. Much older.
30. Form a Frederic fanclub. Because we all know that the only thing Frederic hates more than an insane fangirl is a group of insane fangirls.
31. Tell him that Jazz was playing dress-up with his clothes the other day.
32. Photoshop a picture of Frederic and Jazz making out.
33. Photoshop a picture of Frederic and Fugue making out.
34. Photoshop a picture of Frederic and Allegretto making out.
35. Show all three pictures to all three of the people above and see how they react.
36. Use Frederic as a shield when they take out their weapons.
37. Make a corny dance routine to every one of Frederic's pieces and perform it whenever he starts playing on the piano.
38. Replace Frederic's top hat with a magical hat with a rabbit inside.
39. When Frederic takes off said hat, yell "OMG IT'S A BUNNY!!!!!!!!
40. Play annoying music that includes a screwed-up sample of one of Frederic's pieces when he's around.
41. Go on a tour around New York City (or some other big city) and ask random people if they know who Frederic is. Make sure Frederic is chained up and is forced to follow you around. It is most likely they they'll say "Who?" or say "Oh yeah, didn't he write 'Ode to Joy'?"
42. When Frederic asks "HOW DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW WHO I AM?!" say "You really needed to get out the house and advertise more when you were alive."
43. Steal his clothes and put a cute but girly outfit in his closet.
44. Take a picture and email it to all your friends when he comes out of his room wearing said outfit.
45. If he doesn't come out of his room for the whole day, then at least you get to hear him whine and complain.
46. Follow him everywhere while telling Chuck Norris jokes.
47. Start singing "Frederic and Franz-y sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!" Be sure to purposely pronounce Franz wrong every time.
48. Buy him a swimsuit for his birthday. Insist he tries it on. Be prepared with many rabid fangirls when he emerges.
49. Tell him he should grow a moustache.
50. If he listens, dye it hot pink or lime green when he is asleep.
51. Tell him to grow a goatee. Repeat.
51. Or you could just do it to his hair.
52. Send him on a blind date.
53. With Rondo.
54. With Salsa.
55. With Solfege.
56. Make him perform at a HUUUGGGEEE concert that's on TV where everyone is watching. Watch him puke with nervousness.
57. As a substitute, have a really bad rap group perform.
58. Sell the vomit on eBay.
59. Get him the most complicated piece of 21st century machinery you can find for his birthday. Watch and laugh as he tries to work it.
60. Once he is sufficiently tangled in all the wires, plastic, and metal parts, comment: "200 years, huh? I'd never even guess..."
61. Only offer help when you can't stand to see him struggle any longer. (e. g. Frederic fangirls = very short amount of time, people that don't really care = moderate amount of time, Frederic's enemies = you'll be laughing for a very long time.)
62. Have Salsa pop out of his cake.
63. Push Phil off of a cliff and make Frederic go rescue him.
64. Take him to the graveyard where everyone he knows is buried. Tell him a tragic, convincing, outrageous war story.
65. Then tell him he's been punked and run before he kills you.
66. Ask him why his pieces don't sound very good on a kazoo.
68. Inquire about the pocket watch. Then sing the "I'm late for a very important date" song from Alice in Wonderland endlessly.
69. The "Unbirthday" song will work just as well.
70. Ask him why he makes his vodka out of potatoes.
71. Then take out a bottle of Chopin Potato Vodka (It's a real thing! I've seen it!) and get him drunk.
72. Videotape the entire ordeal and put it on YouTube.
73. Make him Waltz with Waltz, Polka with Polka, Salsa with Salsa, March with March, and so on and so forth.
74. Paint (or dye) his clothes bright, bright yellow, and call him the oldest school bus enthusiast in the universe.
75. Buy him celery for his birthday. Say it's from Maurice.
76. Even better, send him a piece of chicken from Maurice for his birthday. (he and George Sand's son Maurice got in a fight over a piece of chicken once... ;-_- )
77. Pimp his piano!
78. Say, "I'm watching you. Don't deny it. If you ever do that again, I'm gonna tell your mom."
79. Watch in amusement as he tries to figure out what he did.
80. Come to his birthday party wearing a Frederic t-shirt, a Frederic sweatshirt, Frederic's top hat, the word Frederic written on your face, jeans with musical notes and a picture of Frederic on them, shoes with Frederic's face on them, and tattoos real or fake, it doesn't matter of his face on your arms.
81. Invite Stanslav Bunin.
82. Ask Mr. Bunin if he would give Frederic a piano lesson, because he is sounding atrocious. Make sure Frederic is listening.
83. During said piano lesson, make him play simple songs. (Example: Middle C. Middle C. Middle C. Middle C. Middle C. Middle C---- Middle C.)
84. Compare pictures of animated Frederic to pictures of real Frederic.
85. Buy him "The Life of Chopin" by Franz Liszt and tell him it is an awesome read with a sad twist of an ending.
86. Tie Dye his top hat.
87. Tie Dye his coat.
88. Tie Dye his face.
89. Make an Eternal Sonata "What character are you?" Quiz. Make sure Frederic is not one of the choices. Make him take the quiz several times and look at him strangely when he does not turn out to be himself.
90. Then scream "IMPOSTER!" and hit him while running away.
91. Invite the Wiggles.
92. Make him sing along with "Fruit Salad, yummy yummy, fruit salad."
93. Make him dress up as a dog. Call him Fido for the rest of the day.
94. Buy him a piano shirt, a piano belt, piano knee-highs, piano wristband, piano necklace, piano rings... just go to Claire's and buy him anything that has to do with a piano. Hot Topic works as well.
95. FOOD FIGHT!!!!!
96. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. With the sandwich in your hand, ask him if he wants a peanut butter sandwich.
97. When he says yes, take the top off of the sandwich and lick off all the jelly. Hand him the sandwich.
98. Bonus points if you stand there and wait for him to eat it.
100. Cosplay as him, and have him cosplay as Polka.
101. Or Rondo.
102. Sign him up as a summer camp supervisor.
103. Buy him a pony. Salsa will go mad with jealousy.
104. BUY HIM NAUGHTY POSTERS!
105. Walk up to him and say, "GRANDPA! YOU'RE ALIVE! IT'S A MIRACLE!!!" (you can also do this in Wal-Mart XD)
106. Challenge him to a duel.
107. TP his room/house/wherever the hell he lives these days...
108. Ask him if he likes green eggs and ham.
109. Make him autograph your shoes. And shirts. And hats. And pants. And undergarments.
110. Have Jimmy John's cater his meal.
111. Or get a bunch of really fancy food and pour ketchup all over it, then serve it.
112. Convince him to play the "Torture the Composer Game."
113. When he asks how to play, refuse to tell him.
114. Start talking excitedly about curling/fencing/polo/some other obscure sport, using invented terms such as "Normandy," "Slip," and "Horonmosokey."
115. Dress up in a long black cloak and at exactly 1:59 go into his room and wake him up.
116. As he wakes up, say in a deep, haunting voice, "YOU CANNOT AVOID DEATH TONIGHT, FREDERIC FRANCOIS CHOPIN. YOUR TIME IS NOW."
117. Repeat everything he says as a question?
118. Wake him up in the middle of the night and say, "I have to go to the bathroom!"
119. Shock him with a taser every once in a while, yelling "PIKACHU!"
120. Make him watch Saw.
121. Ask him if he prefers pads or tampons.
122. Even if you're a guy.
123. Especially if you're a guy.
124. Tie his shoelaces together.
125. Force him to do Karaoke.
126. On a bus.
127. Become the narrator of his afterlife. (E. G. Every time he says something, say, "Said Chopin," "Said the composer," "Said Frederic," etc. etc.)
128. Buy him a computer and open him up to the idea of Endless Nocturne forums...
129. Act like a Tuba fangirl/fanboy.
130. Force him to watch 8 episodes of 30 Rock, laugh at the distinctly unfunny parts, and try to hook him up with Tina Fey.
131. Or maybe that guy who plays Kenneth...
132. Introduce him to his voice actor.
133. Show him all the fanfics about him and Polka...
134. Make him clean up after the party.
135. The Warsaw Pact! The Warsaw Pact!
136. Speak in a Russian accent.
137. Use technobabble as often as possible around him. Teach the other characters technobabble so it makes him look stupid.
138. Tell him that Chopin/Liszt was always your favorite pairing.
139. Take him to Vegas!!!
140. Strip poker!!!
141. Give him Eternal Sonata as a gift. "Forget" the Xbox/PS3.
142. Become addicted to Modern Warfare 2. Forget his birthday.
143. Get him addicted to Modern Warfare 2. He'll forget his birthday.
144. Speak in another language.
145. Extra points if it's a completely made up language.
146. Bark every time he says "Emilia," "My Sister," or "Polka."
147. Try to find some way to get him angry. Anything involving the abuse of Polka is a plus.
148. Steal his coat.
149. Claim you're going to clean it, and dunk it in gravy.
150. Unclog your sink with his baton.
151. Unclog your toilet with his baton.
152. Ask him if you can borrow his handkerchief. Blow your nose. Spit a few times in it. Hand it back.
153. Walk him across the street and ask for the "walking the old man across the street" badge.
154. Ask him what anti-wrinkle cream he uses.
155. Follow him around poking him with his baton until he screams at you to stop.
156. Then tell him he's sexy when he screams. (inspired by EvbTheWeredogan and KaryRyze)
157. Repeat with his shoe.
158. Repeat "accidentally" with sharp objects, i.e. Fugue's katana, Jazz's giant cleaver, Rondo's daggers, Waltz's plastic sword, Tuba's spiky-cannonball on a stick.
159. Speaking of, after everything he says, say "On a steeek!"
160. Ask for a DNA sample so you can clone him.
161. Chopin + Top Hat = OTP
162. Copy him whenever he speaks.
163. Become mood-swingy.
164. Go sledding down Sharp Mountain!
165. Make him carry you when your feet "get tired."
167. Make him join "Dirty Jobs."
168. Somehow convince him to go for a walk in Heaven's Mirror Forest with a modern swimsuit on. Probably the swimsuit you got for him in #48.
169. Fall asleep every time he tries to say something deep and meaningful.
170. Make him watch a soap opera--compare it to his life as it plays out.
171. Insult his fashion sense.
172. Show him the cover of Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" album. Then ask him if his friend Eugene Delacroix was like a "pervert or something."
173. Give him a wet willy every time he says "Piano," "music," "piece," or anything else relating to his music/music in general.
174. Tell him that if he had just held on another 200 years, he could've had the cure for tuberculosis.
175. Pester him about getting a haircut.
176. Tell the person who cuts his hair to give him a buzzcut.
177. Throw a snake skin at his face and say, "It's not snake skin."
178. Get in a major argument with him about something deep and important. Make sure your standing is something impossibly wrong (i. e. the meaning of life is to become test subjects for mice!)
179. Bring a psychic/stripper and say it's your best friend Emilia.
180. If you CAN find a psychic/stripper that's a good enough actor, fill her in on the fine details of Emilia's life.
181. You can creep him out if your psychic/stripper can relate the summer when she (Emilia) and Frederic had a pretend newspaper.
182. When the conversation turns to the plot events of Eternal Sonata, incessantly sing Dashboard Confessional's "Everybody Learns from Disaster."
183. Constantly and obviously refer to this list.
184. Perhaps even stuff it in front of his face and ask which one he prefers.
185. Take him skydiving.
186. Hang around him a little suspiciously, i. e. cryptic smiles, words that COULD have double meanings, etc, etc.
187. Even better, hum the Mission: Impossible theme song as well.
188. Play Lacrosse with him, 12 on 1, him being the 1 side.
189. Describe in EXCRUCIATING detail how cheesy his death was.
190. Introduce him to golf. Watch him fail.
191. Sneak a phone into his pocket on the highest volume setting, and watch him spazz out as "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne plays.
192. Steal bread from Bread Lady and blame him. Watch and laugh as a very one-sided fight ensues.
193. Put him in a pressurized room for a few hours.
194. Put him on a skate board. He should be sufficiently bruised and scraped at the end of the day.
195. Sign him up for medical testing.
196. Slap him once in a while, claiming "mosquito."
197. Force him into playing tea party.
198. Force him into pitch-black ghost in the graveyard. In a dark forest.
199. Try to sell him for a box of hot chocolate. With marshmallows.
200. Review this story. Because if you do, it'll let Frederic know that you've read this and will come to annoy, embarrass, or otherwise drive him mad. Which is torture in itself.
I hope you enjoyed. Now, to throw a party...