Welcome to the Real World...
Erik Draven, known to hundreds of FF writers and readers as the Rratedauthor, stared at his computer screen in disbelief.
"Someone's shittin' me." He growled. A strange email via his fanfiction-dot-net account had appeared and, like most authors, he'd checked it immediately. To his surprise, it wasn't a review, or a beta request, but an ominous private message.
"Meet me at Waterloo Park. And be prepared to fight." The message was signed 'Connor'.
"If this is someone's idea of a joke, then I am not amused." The message set a specific date and time for the meeting. Erik dismissed it as some fan not being able to discern reality from the fantasy world and returned to his poker playing.
Over the next three days, he received several more mysterious messages, all of them signed 'Connor', and each one getting progressively more threatening. Ranging from 'you better take me seriously or I'm telling my Dad' to 'what are you, chickenshit?", each one named the same date, time, and place.
Erik was really confused, and contacting redsandman99; his fellow writer who had created Connor, provided no help. She denied knowing anything about who was sending the messages, and electronically, he was at a dead end. All the messages came from a non-registered account.
"What's the worst thing that can happen... I'll find out who's got a death wish." Being dragged halfway across town for what he considered nothing was a sure way to get on Erik's bad side, not that his good side was much better to begin with.
Erik strolled through the park, wondering exactly where he was supposed to meet 'Connor'. He passed the lake, the bandstand, the picnic area, and then he saw something that should not have been there under any circumstances. A WWE ring had been set up in the middle of the snow-covered baseball field.
"Now, if that ain't a cliche waiting to happen, then I don't know what is." Since he was already there, he headed for the ring.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is a street fight scheduled for one fall."
Erik blinked. Had he just heard Howard Finkel? He slapped himself across both cheeks and blinked. As far as he could tell, he was alone. But the closer he got to the ring, the more he wasn't sure. He could almost hear the roar of the crowd, and if he wasn't mistaken, the baseline for "Burn". Erik had joked that if he'd ever gotten back into the ring, the theme to "The Crow" would be his entrance music.
The ring itself was solid. Erik found that out when he got near it. He reached out his hand, expecting it to be part of this fantasy, but he touched wood and canvas instead of air.
"Introducing first... originally from Brooklyn, New York, weighing two hundred forty-nine pounds... the Rratedauthor... Erik Draven!"
The ring was empty, or was it? The harder he stared, the more he thought he saw a figure in a black suit as well as one in stripes within.
"This is not happening." Erik scrunched his eyes shut, counted to ten, then opened them. Not only had this whacked-out dreamscape not disappeared, but it seemed to be more solid. He could make out not only ring announcer Howard Finkel and Referee Mike Chioda, but also Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole sitting in their usual ringside seats.
"And it looks like we're going to be off to a flying start tonight." Cole stated
"I don't know what this guy did to piss off Connor Lawson, but I'm sure he's gonna regret doing it." Lawler added
You don't know? Erik thought, How do you think I feel?
As if just being in the weirdness was bad enough, Erik noticed that his winter attire had vanished and he was wearing only jeans and a black tank top.
When am I gonna wake up from this? Erik pinched his arm hard enough to leave a deep bruise, even yelling with the pain, but nothing changed. He was still in a WWE ring, still in quasi-streetfighting clothes, and unless something miraculous happened very soon, about to fight a fictional character.
"His opponent, making his way to the ring accompanied by his tag-team partner Cooper..."
Tag-team partner... the only tag-teaming they do that I know of does NOT involve a wrestling ring. Despite repeatedly trying to prove to himself that this was either one of those lucid dreams or, even better, a drug trip gone horribly wrong, Erik found himself going with it a lot more. Maybe I can control it.
"... from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing one hundred eighty-nine pounds... Killer Connor Lawson!"
Erik waited. He finally made out a pair of figures coming closer to the ring. It sounded like he was using Goldberg's old theme, only instead of the crowd chanting "Goldberg", they were chanting "dildos".
From the stories he'd read, Erik knew a little about the boys, but even he was shocked when they first appeared. From where he stood, the smaller, if that's appropriate to use, of the two still looked somewhere between six-four and six-five. As he was in the lead, Erik assumed that was Connor, which made Cooper look about six-eight or six-nine.
Why did I think this was going to be easy?
The closer they got, the taller they seemed to be until they were in the ring and literally towering over Erik, who, on his best day, was a shade over six-one. Meeting in the center of the ring was intimidating to say the least. It reminded him of the time he'd met the real Mark Calaway several years earlier and noting that even without his 'Taker look' he was quite the intimidating figure.
"Looks like we're just waiting for the bell and... what's this, King?"
Another set of music had begun to play. It was Lindsey Buckingham's "Go Insane".
Now I know I've been working way too hard... Erik couldn't believe his eyes, and he rubbed them viciously when Tom Hardy, his own creation, stepped through the curtains.
"We all know the history between the Lawson and Hardy families, Cole..."
Yeah, I wrote half of it...
"It looks like Tom is out here to even up the score and not a moment too soon."
When Tom stepped through the ropes, Erik had this weird compulsion to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he was real, but then decided that his psyche couldn't handle it if he did and encountered flesh.
He stood only about an inch or two taller than Erik, but made up for it in his build. He was by no means as muscular as Cooper, but he at least made Connor seem a lot less intimidating.
"What the hell is going on?" Erik demanded
"I read your mind, dude. You honestly expect me to sit back there while these two have their way with ya. Even after what you said about Connor?"
"What the hell did I say about him?" Erik asked. To quote Alice, this was getting 'curiouser and curiouser'.
"You don't remember?" Tom leaned over and whispered something into Erik's ear.
"Well, it's true." Erik didn't remember actually saying that Connor was, to quote Tom, "a waste of a one-night stand" and "the best part of him ran down James' leg", but looking at the kid, he didn't seem to be playing with a full deck in the first place so maybe the statements were at least partially accurate.
"Ring the bell!" Chioda shouted
Tom and Cooper climbed out of the ring, leaving the two combatants in the middle of the squared circle.
They circled each other, waiting. Connor growled, baring his teeth. From his reading, Erik knew that he liked to bite, so he definitely going to avoid his mouth. He was also thankful that his tetanus shots were up to date.
Erik stepped to the side and swung with the left, catching Connor by surprise. It might be the only time he'd be able to do that.
"Grrr..." Connor growled
"You have been fucking Snoopy, haven't you?" Erik laughed "You sound just like him."
Connor ran toward Erik, who calmly stepped out of the way. Connor ate turnbuckle and Erik, moving into position quickly, gave him nine more helpings of the fluffy treat.
"You ain't real, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you beat me." Erik whispered into Connor's ear, then slammed his head into the turnbuckle once more for good measure.
Connor staggered back into the center of the ring and Erik intercepted him with a clothesline. Connor flew backwards, and out of the ring, where he landed at Cooper's feet.
"Get up, you little fucker!" Cooper helped his brother to his feet.
Erik looked over at Tom, who shrugged. Then, as if he was reading Erik's mind, he charged shoulder-first into the taller Lawson, knocking him into Connor and sending them both sprawling. After all, this was a streetfight and anything was legal.
Maybe I can control this... then again, maybe not!
Connor jumped up and, with Cooper's help, was kicking Tom really hard.
"Can't you Lawsons fight fair.. wait a minute, what am I saying?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Erik realized just how stupid he sounded. He jumped out of the ring, grabbed a metal chair, and whacked first Cooper, then Connor, across the back.
"Daddy!" Connor screamed
"Your daddy can't help you." Erik grabbed Connor by the hair. "He's no more real than you are." When it dawned on him that, for someone who lived in the imagination of a girl from Iowa, he was pretty solid, a scary thought crossed his mind. If Connor and Cooper could take corporeal form, then why not James? His fears were realized when the "Imperial Death March" from "Star Wars" blared across whatever loudspeaker system was in place and the Badass Psycho Dad himself stood in the entrance way.
Tom looked toward the entrance and his face went a ghostly white. He quickly backed away from where he and Cooper were trading head shots.
"I guess I should know by now never to trust a Lawson." Erik wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.
James' walking to the ring was like an Undertaker Wrestlemania entrance. It took forever. Maybe if Erik had tried to pin Connor before James got to the ring, things might have gone better.
If this guy decides to get into the ring, I am just running. To hell with it. He had no doubt that if he actually laid a hand on James, then he would be as solid as Connor, who was currently learning the difference between a wristlock and a wrist watch the hard way.
"I have no problems breaking your fuckin' wrist if you don't tell me exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"Owie owie owie!" Connor screeched "Cooper, Daddy, help me!"
"This was your idea. We're just here for support." Cooper answered. He was taking perverse pleasure in his younger brother's screams.
"Start talkin', Lawson." Erik tightened his grip on Connor. Hearing the sound of his bones cracking was enough to make him start talking, and when he did it came out in a flood.
"I dunno." He shrieked
"What do you mean, you don't know? I know your brain don't work so well most of the time, but you must have some real fuckin' issue with me if you went to all this trouble." Erik flipped Connor onto his back and followed it up with a leg drop onto his arm.
"Nuh uh." Connor answered "You wanted to fight me, remember?"
"Fuck that. I don't have that much of a death wish. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't sent me countless emails and shit." Erik pulled Connor to his feet and lifted him onto his shoulders in preparation for an Attitude Adjustment (or an FU, since this is not rated PG).
He covered Connor, but the kid was resilient, kicking out after two.
"You know I don't believe you." Erik grinned. "If you wanted to end this as much as I do, then you would've let me pin you, but now... bring on the pain."
He dragged Connor to his feet, and hit the ropes. James reached in and grabbed Erik's ankle.
Now I know I've been working too hard. After all the years watching WWE, I shoulda seen that coming. Erik went flying, landing face-first onto the canvas and being quickly pulled out of the ring where he was face-to-face with one James Paul Lawson.
"So, the best part of my boy ran down my leg, did it?" Before Erik could register what was happening, his vision exploded. James hit him hard enough to see stars and he fell to his knees.
James chuckled... an eerie sound. "Best position for you, asshole. Maybe once my boy is done with you, I'll put that pretty mouth of yours to use." He groped his crotch to make his meaning clear.
"Like that'll ever happen." Erik spat a mouthful of blood and, unless his vision was still fuzzy, teeth onto the mats around the arena. Must focus... what's the name of that song again... oh yeah, "No More Words".
A distant roar, possibly because his head was still ringing, reached his ears. Even James took notice when Matt and Jeff, in classic Hardy gear and wearing the belts of the Unified tag team champions, started advancing towards the ring. To Erik's surprise, James stepped back.
"You okay?" Jeff helped Erik to his feet.
"Great." He replied, spitting another mouthful of blood onto the ground. No teeth this time, which was a real good thing. "Glad you decided to show u"
"Whatever... this is all you." Matt answered "You need it, let us know."
It was then that Erik realized that, inaddition to the tag belts slung over one shoulder, both Matt and Jeff had hunting rifles draped over the other one.
Things definitely got interesting. I must still have Collateral Damage on my mind.
"Just promise me you'll let me duck before you start firing?" Erik rolled back into the ring, where Connor began kicking him.
"Meanie!" He shouted repeatedly. "Meanie meanie meanie!"
This is more fucked up than TNA's writing. Erik slowly got to his feet and "Hulked up". He'd had just about as much as he was going to take from anyone named Lawson.
Connor got a strange look in his eyes. If Erik didn't know better, he'd say the kid was starting to realize that maybe he'd made a mistake. His next attempt at a punch was blocked and Erik whipped him into the ropes and delivered a version of Hogan's big boot. He dragged Connor to the ropes and, using both his and Connor's belts, secured the young man to the ropes.
"Lemme go! Coopy, help me!" Connor struggled
Erik looked out where the three Hardys were keeping James and Cooper distracted. Hopefully, distracted enough for what he was going to do next. He rolled out on the opposite side and crept up on Cooper.
"You know, you're even sexier in person." Erik rolled him into the ring.
"What the fuck?"
"Exactly what I was thinking!" Erik whipped Cooper into the corner and avalanched him, then drove him into the matt with a running bulldog.
"Since Connor is useless, I figured I'd let him watch me have a little fun with you." Erik pulled Cooper upright and cradled his head like he was either going to slit his throat or do the scorpion death drop on him. Instead, though, he kissed him. A long, deep, sloppy open-mouthed kiss that make the oldest Lawson boy go weak in the knees.
"Fight it, boy." James was still being held at bay by the three Hardy brothers. "Show that motherfucker how we deal with..."
"That's it... all four of you are outta here." The referee, maybe a little uneasy by the guns, ejected Tom, Matt, Jeff, and James from ringside, leaving only Erik and the two boys in the ring.
"You've been a pain in my ass since day one, Connor. How it's my turn." Erik broke the kiss long enough to give Connor an evil glare. "I'm going to show you what I do to people who mess with me." He twined his fingers in Cooper's shirt, then ripped it open.
"Cooper!" Even Connor could see what was going to happen, but there was no way he could stop it.
But what really annoyed Connor was that his older brother didn't seem to be putting up a whole lot of resistance, almost like he wanted this to happen.
Erik laughed. "You coulda had all this for yourself, but you've been in your own little world for way too long to realize it." He returned to kissing Cooper, rubbing his fingers across his chest, tearing away the rest of the shirt as he went along.
"No! Coopy's mine!" Connor struggled to free himself.
"Yeah, right." Cooper retorted "You're never in the mood for anything. I have to force you just for a quick fuck."
It finally dawned on Connor. Cooper had set him up, sending both the messages to Erik and to himself.
"Meanie!" He screamed again "Lemme go...!"
"I don't think so." Erik turned Cooper slightly, so Connor could get the perfect view as Erik unbuckled Cooper's belt and threw it aside. His fingers snapped the button and forced the zipper down, giving Connor a good view of his brother's semi-hard cloth-covered cock.
"This is all mine now." Erik laughed, reaching inside and bringing Cooper's ten incher to full attention with several slow strokes. He also saw that Connor had stopped trying to get free.
"I think he's finally starting to realize what he's missing." Cooper gasped, thrusting into Erik's hand.
"Me too, but he doesn't look too comfortable." Erik answered. Whether he was referring to being tied to the ropes, or he was also getting hard, it didn't matter. "Maybe we should help him out?"
Cooper and Erik untangled from each other and stepped over to Connor. They each grabbed a leg, and pulled him horizontal so the only thing stopping him from taking a nasty bump was the belts holding him to the ropes. They each quickly pulled off one of his shoes, followed by his jeans.
"That looks a little better." Cooper giggled, seeing the hard cylinder of flesh in his younger brother's underwear slap his lower belly when the offending denim clothing was pulled off it.
"Still doesn't look too comfortable, though." Erik reached for one side of the underwear and motioning for Cooper to do the same on the other side.
"I hate you!" Connor shrieked "You're such a..."
"...a meanie?" Erik laughed
"Yeah... a fuckin' meanie!"
"That's the nicest thing you've said about me since we met." Erik nodded to Cooper and together they yanked Connor's underwear off.
"Owie!" They had yanked a little too hard, forcing his cock into a bad position before it sprung back.
"Get him off the ropes!" The referee didn't seem to notice that one of the combatants was naked from the waist down, or maybe he didn't care. Either way, he was in the way. One right hand took care of that problem in a hurry.
"As the little brat said, you're his." Erik stepped out of the ring. "When you're finished, let me know. I still have a match to win."
Cooper grinned evilly and slammed into Connor, burying himself inside his younger brother.
"Owie, Coopy... you hurted me!" Connor screamed
"So?" Cooper answered
"If you'd stop being a meanie and hurting me..."
Cooper tuned out the rest of Connor's rant when his mind starting working. Maybe the only reason he doesn't want you is that you're too rough. Try a little tenderness.
Cooper slowed his attack, even pulling all the way out so he could spit in his hand to lube himself up... a first. When he reentered Connor, there was no yelling, screaming or swearing. Connor actually seemed to be enjoying it.
"Coopy..." Connor gasped, arching into the thrusts and moaning softly. This was definitely not the way their sex usually went and it actually felt a lot better.
"What?" Cooper felt his stomach tighten, a sign that his orgasm was rapidly approaching.
"I love you."
Cooper stopped in mid-thrust. How long had it been since Connor had said those three little words? Cooper couldn't remember, partially because he was focused on cumming and also because it had been quite a while. He was brought away from his thoughts by the clenching of Connor's ass muscles around his cock. He let out an involuntarily gasp, which started Connor giggling.
"What the fuck was that for?" Cooper barked, resisting the temptation to go back to what he knew and slam Connor as hard as he could.
"You weren't paying attention to me." Connor pouted
"Sorry." Cooper began thrusting deeply inside Connor's tight passage. Each stroke brought him closer and Connor must've sensed just how close he was because he adjusted his position ever so slightly to give Cooper a bit more access and to make sure that he hit his sweet spot each time.
Outside the ring, King and Cole were trying to keep up any pretense that this was still a match, with Erik joining them on commentary.
"This is an unusual technique, wouldn't you say? Vintage Lawson?"
"Uhm... I've heard of trying to screw your opponent out of a match, but that is a little ridiculous."
"Was this all part of your plan?" Cole turned to Erik.
"In a word... no. But this is much more exciting that me getting beaten up by those two." Erik put his fet up on the announce table and watched the action in the ring approach the climax.
"Coopy, I'm gonna explode." Connor tensed up.
"Me too." Cooper gritted his teeth and plunged into his brother with every inch of his ten. That was enough to start thick streams shooting from Connor's dick and the sight of that sent Cooper off as well.
"That's my cue." Erik rolled under the bottom rope and snuck up behind a very flushed Cooper.
"Thanks." Cooper panted
"You're welcome, but I still got a match to win." Erik planted Cooper face-first onto the mat with the Insanity, then gazed at Connor, also a little spent.
"I told you he loved you." Erik freed the younger man from the ropes. If Connor had heard the exchange between the other two men, he might not have been as thankful for his release. A second Insanity put him down as well.
Okay... need a referee... time to conjure one up.
Erik closed his eyes. When they opened, there was another figure in the ring... a womanish figure.
Beth Phoenix... I guess it'll have to do.
The glamazon counted to three.
"Here is your winner... the rratedauthor Erik Draven!"
And that, my friends, is a sign that you've been working too hard.