Willing to disobey obedience
A/N Just a short one-shot on emotion. Interpret as you will. This has a free-choice situation whatsoever. You can even choose to apply it to your own situation. A few suggestions concerning the PJO fanfic are Annabeth's thoughts on Calypso and Percy, or Rachel, or her dad, even Luke. But again, it is not binding. When you read these lines, you can choose to think whatever you want to. As you read this, let your mind wander. And please, review.
Stubbornness relates to misery and hate , both which I have talked about. Mixed with treason. Every single emotion in this situation is tied and bound so tightly, it is almost impossible to tell them apart. But I try. I try to write something newfound in these lines. I hope to find yet another emotion, and I keep encountering them. I leave it to wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Denial has taken its toll. You never know how close you hold on to it, until it decides to spread its wings, and move on, leaving you here, unprotected from the world that is your mind. You begin to realize how much it hurts, and you just about ran to whatever you wish to avoid. And then… And then you run the other way. Because now that denial has deserted you, you turn and sprint by all means possible, just to keep from getting sucked into the void that will make this a circle yet again.
It takes willpower, not to surrender, that is. It seems so much easier, giving in. But no, this time, I will not. I have seen the consequences of the action I sometimes so desperately want to take. I see it, and I almost never allow myself to wonder, to think that maybe this time it'll be fine. I will not allow myself to lie in the face of truth which are my instincts, because I am right. I am correct, and though I cannot see the advantages of doing so, and see many downsides to it, I am still convinced that this is what I want to do.
Sometimes I do wonder, though. And I wonder whether or not this is my pride claiming my brain, clouding it. But I do not want to! It is frustrating, to know that you can be so cold and distant, and yet, when you feel the treason, the cold is replaced by red heat, visible on your cheeks. It is like she is doing it on purpose. Immature as this may sound, it is true. I will not be treated like that, even though it is so freaking hard to suck it up.
Even the bravest can fall, and I am, by no means, the bravest. I am finding it extremely easy to fall, to be rude, and yet, I'm not. Shudders curse my mind, slapping nonexistent sense into it. I cannot be forced to. I cannot cry, I cannot cry. Not another tear for the same matter, I am braver than this. I am stronger than this.
But sometimes, these words are not enough. These words can't scream and thrash. These words cannot cry, as well as I shouldn't, either. But fury clouds me, and I look away from this page. I close my eyes and just feel the cold making a ring around my eyes. I sigh heavily, biting my tongue, screaming internally to hold it back. But it is just too much. Like I said, I am, by no means, the bravest and toughest of all.
Today, I break and bend to pain's ill will. Today I go against myself, allowing my throat to constrict in misery. I bite my lip, and I feel the water caress my fury-heated skin, snapping like a twig. I sniffle and give in to my heart instead of my brain. I disobey all, I go against myself, despite my own wishes.
And for the first time in days, I cry.
Again, interpret as you may. Don't need to stick to anything in particular. And please, REview~