Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.

Author's Note: Some things before we begin. A) These will not relate to each other in any way unless I say so otherwise. For example, this one takes place at an undetermined time after Jim gets the Enterprise while another one of these takes place back in the Academy. Understand? Okay. Good. B) I wrote these for a friend who needed some cheering up (even though she doesn't know I'm writing these for her) because she is going through a rough time. So these will more than likely be 100% pure crack with a little bit of Jim whumpage thrown in and Spock logic to temper the madness. C) These are unofficially beta'd by SezWho94, an amazing friend and person who just happens to be slightly crazy like me. And D) some of the following may not actually be from the new movie, but I didn't really want to have to make this a crossover with TOS, because it's really not. I will explain that more when we get to that one.

One more thing: There will be 26 chapters (possibly more). One with each letter of the alphabet as the title. This is probably really over done, but hey, I liked the general idea and some of these I don't think anyone will ever think of. I will explain that one more when I get to it. For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy The Quirks of Jim Kirk.

The Quirks of Jim Kirk

Chapter 1


In which Jim tries to explain his obsession with apples

No one on the Enterprise is quite certain why their Captain likes apples so much. Not even Jim knows. He hates all other types of fruit, except for apples, which for some illogical reason, he loves. One day, someone decides to ask the crew of the Enterprise about it.

Bones thinks it is because Jim is going by the old adage an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Jim always replies that if that was true, it obviously wasn't working because a) Bones was still there and b) Jim always managed to get himself nearly killed on peaceful diplomatic missions.

Uhura thinks it's because apples are loud, juicy and obnoxious, very much like the Captain himself. Jim grins every time she says that and asks if the juicy part was some sort of invitation. She slaps him upside the head while the Vulcan in the far corner goes a strange shade of green and flat out refuses to talk to Jim for the rest of the day.

Scotty seems to think that Jim's apple fetish is like Scotty's own sandwich fetish—the simple lack of decent ones in space makes a man crave one that much harder. Jim points out that all apples taste the same, whether they're replicated or straight from the tree.

Chekov thinks it's because the Keptin is secretly a baseball player. He says that the apple is shaped similar to a baseball and that the Keptin is just waiting for an opportunity to break out his old jersey and start playing baseball again. Jim merely smiles and nods at Chekov's statement, while secretly making a mental note to make sure Bones checks out the young navigator for mental problems.

Sulu thinks it's because the Captain likes to be mysterious and apples have an air of mystery to them. No one is quite certain how to respond to that, so Jim mumbles something about a problem in engineering before darting off.

Spock is the only one on board who does not have a theory about Jim's illogical infatuation with apples. Jim says it's because the First Officer hates all apples in general for Jim just happened to be eating one during the simulation. Spock states that is illogical, that he does not under ANY circumstances, hold a grudge against an inanimate object and proceeds to site ways how it is unreasonable, while Jim gives him a shit-eating grin.

The apples mysteriously disappear off of all replicators after Spock's statement, though somehow, some way, Jim is always managing to eat an apple on the bridge.