A/N: I decided I wanted to write something different, something that I haven't really seen done before. This story is AH and some characters are extremely OOC. Thanks to afalcone10 (if you haven't read her shit, you should!), this story is what is considered fem-slash (girl-on-girl sex). If you're homophobic, you should NOT read this story. This story requires a fairly open mind about CH's characters. If you don't care to read this stuff, go ahead and close the window right now. I promise, you're not hurting my feelings. However, if you do choose to read this and then bash on me because you don't like my spin on the characters after I've warned you about them, I will NOT like you.
Currently, there's not a whole lot going on because I've got to set the stage. Eventually, we'll get there though. Hold on tight spider monkeys: it's going to be an angsty ride!
See you at the bottom!
Last weekend in August
I was terrified. Never in my life had I been so far from home, so far from my friends, so far from everything I knew. I was dumped into a new environment, albeit one of my choosing, 200 miles away from everything I knew and I was terrified. At the same time, I was thrilled: excited for the freedom, excited to grow into myself, excited to embark on one of the most important journeys of my life.
The sun was beating down, a boiling 95 degrees; abnormal for the small valley my liberal arts college was nestled in. My brother and I had just pulled up in his Pathfinder, after getting lost in the nooks and crannies of the small campus. The resident hall loomed in front of us: a four storied, strangely Spanish colonial style, red-roofed building. While it was the fourth oldest building on campus, it didn't reflect the architecture themes on campus. The other older buildings were redbrick, with blue roofs and white accents. No, my dorm had personality. It stood out and was easily identified from the aerial postcards the university was so fond of sending out. Yes, Becht Hall would be my home for the next few years and I couldn't have picked a better place.
The only draw backs to the charming all girl dorm were lack elevators and air conditioning. Hauling up the contents of a packed SUV was no fun at all. After a couple hours and countless trips up and down three flights of stairs, my brother and I were worn out but thankfully finished. A last minute trip to Wal-Mart for forgotten odds and ends, followed by a tearful (on my part) goodbye in the parking lot and I was on my own.
As soon as my brother's car turned the corner and was out of sight, I flew back into the building and up the stairs to my room. Jamming my key in the door, I pushed it open to find that my roommate had returned. She had kindly given my brother and I space to move me in when we first arrived.
"Sookie, hey! Your brother gone?" Arlene asked from her perch on her bed. She had lovely red hair (though, most definitely from a box) that fell in soft waves around her shoulders. I thought of the messy and sweaty blonde pony tailed that was my hair and was instantly jealous. How did she move in, with more stuff than me I might add, but still look so nice? Definitely jealous.
"Yep, he just drove off." I flopped backwards on my bed and stared at the off-white ceiling. There were a couple cracks running from the corners and I could see the lights had been replaced, as a ring from the old lighting fixture was still visible. I was so tired and just wanted a nap. As I was close to drifting away, Arlene mentioned something about a party.
"So Crystal from next door is going to this party at one of the frats. You in?" Sighing, I sat up and looked at my roommate. We had talked a few times this summer since getting our room assignment and from what I gathered, we led vastly different lives. She came from a family with money; it was obvious in all the designer label items on her side of the closet. Her parents bought a shiny new sports car for graduation. College was the assumed next step in her life: this was fun and games to her, I could tell. I, however, only had my brother and was here on an academic scholarship and not willing to do anything to mess that up.
"No, I don't think. Not tonight at least, I'm definitely too tired to do much of anything." Arlene shrugged and disappeared out of the room. I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping, before our floor meeting at seven.
The floor meeting was pretty lame, actually. We meet in the roomy hallway and it was absolutely sweltering from lack of air circulation. The resident assistants (Felicia and Octavia) went over rules and regulations and then we played a couple icebreakers to get to know each other. Despite the fact that the excitement of our new lives was permeable in the air, I felt alone and awkward. Maybe I was homesick or maybe it was a result of my hormones being out of whack because of the birth control I just started taking or maybe I was just too shy for my own good. Whatever the reason, it led to me staying holed up in my room while the other girls went to partake in the freshmen casino night.
Freshmen weekend had started Thursday, while the rest of the campus didn't arrive until Sunday. It was filled with mindless meetings about public safety, sexual harassment, scheduling, pep rallies that would finish out with a convocation ceremony on Sunday. My roommate was basically MIA until Saturday night. It was the first night she wasn't out partying and we were lying in our respective beds, having our first "pillow talk."
"Have you seen any hot guys yet, Sookie?" Arlene asked after telling me all about her exciting nights of getting drunk and making out with strangers. Um, can you say yuck?
"Actually…" I sucked in a deep breath. It's now or never, I thought. "I'm not really…into guys?" My statement ending up being more of a question and I was embarrassed at my lack of self-confidence. As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Arlene's bed springs creaked and I could see from the soft glow of our computers that she sat up.
"What?" The word sounded harsh and judgmental. Internally, I cursed myself. I had somehow expected prejudices to magically go away in college. How freakin' stupid.
"Um, yeah. I'm a…" Damn it! This girl, who, for all intensive purposes a stranger to me, had me ashamed of who I was,. "…lesbian."
Arlene made a strangled noise and then spoke in a hushed tone, "Like, for real? Are you sure, Sookie?"
Despite the fact that I was still a virgin and had never actually messed around with a guy (or a girl for that matter) before, I knew. I knew I was attracted to women and their soft curves, round breasts, lovely hair and delicate features. Never in my life had I felt an attraction to a male, not even the hottest guys in high school or any of those sexiest men of the year types made my panties wet. But women, yes, definitely women, made my panties melt.
"Yep, I'm pretty sure." I heard Arlene flop back into her bed and knew it was a mistake to tell her. I should have just lied, the way I lied to my friends in high school and forced myself to gossip about boys. "But…" Without a doubt, I knew Arlene was trying to figure out whether or not I wanted to sleep with her. "I'm not attracted to you. I mean, you're pretty and all but just not my type." The words came out quickly and jumbled, but I hoped they'd put her at ease.
"Oh, well, that's good then." We lapsed into an awkward silence. Soon I heard her breathing even out and knew she was asleep.
Classes started that Monday and my first week went well. With the exception of one douche bag professor, all my classes were interesting and the professors seemed to really care about their field of expertise and enjoyed their line of work. I had even managed to make friends with some of the girls on the floor and had a standing dinner date with them. Things with Arlene were awkward after my revelation for a little while. By the following Wednesday, she seemed to have worked out her issues and our situation was comfortable. We had some common interests and I was thrilled it seemed like we would do well as roommates. That is, until Friday night, when we had our first fire drill. We were all lined up outside, waiting for the all clear to return to our rooms when Arlene asked if she could talk to me before we went inside. I agreed and we walked over to the bell tower, sitting one of the low concrete benches.
"Listen, Sookie, I'm moving in with Lorena." I was shell-shocked. "It's not anything against you, it's just her roommate backed out and isn't coming to school. Her room's bigger and we're the same major, with some of the same classes and it just seems like…" She trailed off and I blinked back tears, nodding my head in agreement. With that, she stood and left. I sat underneath the bell tower, feeling more insecure about myself than I ever had in my entire life.
After Arlene moved out, I almost shut down. The only other person who knew about my sexuality was my best friend. Sam Merlotte and I had met our freshman year of high school, in history class. At that point, I was struggling with my sexuality. Meeting Sam had been my saving grace: he was gay himself. We were friends prior to that knowledge, but after he told me, I clung to him. He was my rock; he knew my secrets and kept them safe. And unfortunately, he was exactly reason I didn't come out in school. Sam came out our sophomore year and was harassed on a regular basis for the rest of high school. I protected him the best I could, and was always there for him, but I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle the harassment Sam took. Sam respected my decision, knowing I'd come out in my own time. Telling Arlene felt like the biggest mistake of my life, especially when the notes started.
As seemed to be the tradition of most colleges, many girls in my dorm had white boarders on their doors, myself included. A couple days after Arlene moved out, I woke one morning to, "ARE YOU A LESBIAN?" written on my whiteboard. With a flushed face, I erased it quickly and hoped no one else had seen it.
When I returned from class that afternoon, someone had written "Lint Licker" on my board. To someone else, it might have a funny reference to an Orbit chewing gum commercial, but it felt was an attack against me. Again, I erased it. After three days, it got so bad I took my board down. I felt so ashamed that I had foolishly opened up to a stranger and was too embarrassed to talk to one of the RA's about it. However, I did call Sam.
"Sam," I cried into the phone, having reached my breaking point. Tonight, the white board had a crudely drawn beaver with a heart next to it. I wasn't stupid, I knew no one was casually pointing out an appreciation of those dam building semi-aquatic rodents. "I can't stand it here!" After blubbering my way through an explanation of what was happening, Sam let out a low sigh.
"Baby girl, you listen to me okay?" I nodded as I mumbled "yes" into the phone. Sam was using his "get shit done" voice. "You need to take the good and take the bad…"
"Are you seriously offering me The Facts of Life theme song as advice?!" I screeched into the phone. "Are you kidding me?"
"Well, actually yes," he laughed into the phone. Sam's laugh was rich and deep, rolling off him like waves even over the phone. It comforted me like a security blanket: I wished I could wrap myself up in it and never leave. "Listen, Sooks do you remember junior year when those dipshits spray painted my car?"
"Yeah…" I replied, remembering that day. Friday night, I had slept over at Sam's and the following morning we planned to go out for breakfast. We were stunned to find Sam's self-restored 1975 Ford Mustang with the word "FAG" spray painted all over the doors and hood in angry red paint. We spent the afternoon stripping the paint with periods of Sam sobbing in my arms. He and his father had spent four years restoring the car. They had finished roughly a month before Sam's father was killed by a drunk driver. It had left Sam devastated and his car was filled with so many fond memories, he cherished it deeply. I had wanted to murder whatever assholes had vandalized it. They were never caught.
"Well, you told me never to let anyone get to me, because that's what they wanted. You hold your head high, Sookie Stackhouse, and be proud of who you are. If those nasty bitches can't see you for who you are, they're not worth your time. Don't let them get you down."
After talking for a while longer, I hung up feeling better than I had in a while. I was bound and determined to take Sam's advice: I'd just roll with the punches. I even hung my white board back up. Yep, I'd show them.
I felt good about myself, really good, for the next few weeks. The messages had stopped, my douche bag professor stopped being such a douche and I was getting closer with my only two friends in the dorm: Sophie-Ann and Andrea. We had become like three peas in a pod, almost inseparable. Those two girls were helping heal the wound that Arlene left in my heart. For awhile, at least.
"Sookie, can I come in?" I looked up from my computer to see Sophie-Anne standing in my doorway. She was a beautiful girl, one I found myself growing more and more attracted to the longer we spent time together. Her strawberry blonde hair and sparkling sea-green eyes always took my breath away. She had a creamy pale complexion, her skin almost like porcelain. Her mouth was small, her pink lips perfect without any lip gloss. I often found myself wondering what they'd taste like. Sophie's frame was tiny, her hips and breasts in perfect portion to her small stature. I knew it was wrong, thinking of my friend in such a way, but it overwhelmed me how much I wanted to touch her. Pulling myself from my thoughts, I nodded.
"Can I ask you something?" She perched herself on the edge of my bed, crossing her dainty ankles together. I nodded again and she continued speaking, her voice laced with apprehension. "There's some…geez Sooks, this is really hard. There's been a rumor floating around that, well..." She looked away from me, her eyes trained to the ugly brown carpet. "That you're a lesbian?" She whispered the last word as though saying it would make her one too.
"Yeah, I am. Is that a problem?" My chest tightened as I questioned her. I already knew the answer.
"No, well, yeah. It's just that I'm Catholic and we don't believe in that? I don't know if I could be friends with someone who…" She trailed off, her eyes quickly snapping up to meet mine briefly. They returned to the floor again. "I just don't think I can be friends with someone that's involved with those types of things."
"Those types of things?"
"Yeah, you know. With another girl? It just isn't natural, Sookie!" With that, she jumped off my bed and almost ran out the door, slamming it shut behind her. Her hurts cut me deeply. Quickly, I finished my homework before crawling into bed. That night, I fell asleep still in my clothes and my pillow soaked from tears.
I got up the next morning, forcing myself to go through the motions. Somehow, I managed to get myself dressed and even showed up for all my classes. Afterward, I dropped by the on-campus deli and grabbed a sandwich for dinner: I knew Andrea's rejection was sure to come sooner rather than later. She and Sophie-Anne were roommates.
Sure enough, she showed up that night much in the same manner Sophie-Anne had the night before. Rather than bother with religious excuses, she just told me she didn't feel right being friends with me if Sophie-Anne wasn't. I wasn't sure what stung worse: Sophie-Anne's ignorant rejection or Andrea's brainless one. Regardless, I cried myself to sleep that night too.
Shortly after Sophie-Anne and Andrea rejected my friendship, one girl tried to befriend me. Her name was Dawn and she was a dark eyed, dark haired beauty. From what I knew of her, she was a little eccentric and quite strange. However, I was lonely and decided to give her a chance. We had lunch together one day. Our conversation was pleasant enough and I felt hopeful again. Later that night; I overheard her talking about the "rug muncher." She and her roommate were laughing up a storm at my expense. That was the final straw for me. I was unwilling to allow anyone else to make me feel ashamed of who I was, so I shrunk into myself and avoided people. I threw myself into my studies and stayed holed up in my room any time I wasn't in class. It was lonely and I spent most nights crying myself to sleep but my grades were sure to be spectacular. Plus, I had lost almost 20 pounds because I was down to mostly one meal a day: I hated eating alone.
By the time Thanksgiving break rolled around, I was begging my brother to come get me a few days early. I hadn't missed any classes and even made arrangements to take tests a few days early just so I could go home. My life was empty and my college experience was wearing on me emotionally. I needed to get away.
Jason came to get me the Friday before break, thus making my break over a full week instead of just a few days. I was never so glad to see my brother as I was in that moment. After helping me haul my laundry and suitcase out to his car, we were on the road.
"So, sis, how's college treating you? Tell me everything." Even though we tried to call each other on a weekly basis, our phone calls were brief and mostly him making sure I was still alive. I kept my problems to myself. Jason knew I wasn't interested in men and while he seemed to accept it, we never talked about. I faked enthusiasm and lied to him about all the friends I was making. That's how my break was spent: lying to friends and family about how awesome college was. The only person I was truthful with was Sam.
"I was thinking about just finishing up the semester and transferring elsewhere," I told Sam as we both plopped down into the plush overstuffed couch in the basement of his house. He pulled my legs into his lap, as was our custom and I pressed play on the DVD. The opening scene of our favorite movie, Zoolander, flashed across the screen. Sam shook his head, his reddish-gold hair fanning out like a halo.
"Sooks, you worked so hard for that scholarship! You can't let these girls let you down. Have you thought of switching dorms or something? Or talking to the RAs? You can't just give up: you're not a quitter and you know it." Sam was right, he knew me so well.
"It's just so hard, Sam. You don't…" He raised his right eyebrow at me. "Alright, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But at least you had me then, Sam!" Hot tears rolled down my cheeks before I could stop them. "I don't have anyone there, Sam. Everyone hates me or thinks I'm weird or is afraid I'll spread the gay to them."
"Come here, baby girl," Sam said as he sat up and grabbed me into his arms. I tucked my head into his chest and he pressed a kiss to the top of my head before resting his chin there. We sat there, me curled tightly into the warmth of his embrace for some time, I'm not sure how long. Eventually, my sobs subsided and left a dull ache in my chest. Sam released me and we returned to our previous position, my legs in his lap. We finished watching Zoolander in contemplative silence, save for our laughter at funny scenes.
I was dreading, absolutely dreading, the return to college. After 200 miles and four hours in a car, my brother dropped me off and I was back to my own personal hell. My college experience, so far, was nothing that I expected. I expected to make friends, girls I'd grow so close to they'd be more like sisters, to feel great about myself and to grow into the woman I'd be for the rest of my life. If this silent introverted loner was who I was going to be for the rest my life, my life was going to suck.
Everything changed though, when I unlocked my door and walked into my room. My room, which had previously been immaculately clean and organized to the point of anal retentive, looked like the aftermath of a hurricane. Among all the mess sat a beautiful pale blonde. She looked up when I entered and sprung to her feet.
"Hi! Sookie Stackhouse, right?" She asked, cocking her head to the side as I took her in. Her blonde hair hung well past her shoulders and was stick straight. Her clothes didn't fit that of a typical college student: she looked like a soccer mom in her pale pink sweater set and khakis. Her frame was willowy and tall, at least four inches taller than my 5'6. She stuck her French manicured hand out to me, revealing a pearl bracelet that matched the studs in her ears. "Pamela Ravenscroft. Please, call me Pam." She flashed me a brilliantly bright smile, her mouth full of perfectly straight, white teeth. Dumbfounded, I shook her hand. "I'm your new roommate!"
Little did I know, at the time, just how much Pam would change my life.
A/N: I realized that I mentioned Sookie being on birth control: it's common for some girls to go on birth control as a means to help regular their menstrual cycles. That's why she's on the pill. So…review, review, review? Please?!