A/N: So, yeah. Jake the Dog has been talking to me lately. He was a little miffed that I wasn't sharing his side of the story, so I told him that from now on, whenever he makes an appearance, I'll give him a little time to say his peace. You can follow him here from now on.

Seriously, I must be insane to be posting this. Direct me to the nearest mental health facility, please?

SM owns Twilight. I own a potty-mouthed chocolate lab.


The Pretty Lady

The day she walked in to my life began just like any other. The moody guy woke up and set out my food (if one could call it that) and water. He took me for a walk. I took a dump. He put it in a plastic bag. We walked some more. I pissed on a tree. We walked some more. I sniffed a few asses. We walked back home. I took a nap.

Life was good. Boring, but beats the hell out of pulling a nine-to-fiver, right?

I was stretched out on my bed, chillin' and fantasizing about the cute cocker spaniel (Ha! I said cock!) next door when all of a sudden, the doorbell rang, effectively pulling me from my dreams of sweet, sweet lovin' (hey, they don't call it "doggie style" for nothin'). Damn, I hate it when that happens, 'cause as a pooch, it's my natural instinct to go batshit crazy when the bell rings. My body just goes on auto-pilot and I can't help but bark and jump around. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? I mean, not only does it interrupt my sexy times, but it also gets in the way of naps and meals. Seriously, dudes. It sucks.

So anyways, as I was saying, I jumped up from my bed and took off towards the door, knocking the coat rack over in my haste to attack the invader on the other side. The moody guy wasn't happy. At all. I wished for a moment that the cute kid was there, because at least he wouldn't cuss at me so much. But whatevs, I still had a job to do. I started barking and pawing at the door to let the offending party know exactly who they were dealin' with, and then the moody bastard had to go and call me stupid.

Oh, no he di'int.

Of course, because of that, I made it my mission to embarrass the shit out of him the moment he let whomever was on the other side of the door in. Why? Because I could. It's just my nature to be petulant. I'm a lab, for Christ's sake.

Anyhoo, the moody guy tugs on my collar and opens the door...and wham! That's when I see her. Screw the cocker spaniel. Come to papa, pretty lady. I don't care if you've only got two legs. She had big, chocolate brown eyes (they matched mine) and the shiniest coat I've ever seen. I could tell the moody guy was crushin' on her, too, but the dude would learn soon enough that she belonged to me. I'd pee on her if I had to.

Unfortunately, my lipstick (hey, it's your stupid word for it, not mine) decided to make it's presence known. So I did what every self-respecting, hormonal mutt would do. I stuck my sniffer right in her hoo-hoo. Well, hello there! Nice to meet you, too!

So, then the moody guy totally throws me under the bus, calling me disobedient and making fun of the fact that I got kicked out of school. Asshole. Like, really? I do what comes naturally to me and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy? Au contraire, mon frere. I was about to headbutt him in the ball sack, but then she giggled, and swoon! I fell in love, forgetting my primary objective of knocking him in the nads. She was the best smelling bitch (again, your word, not mine) I've ever met. Daddy likes.

And then a miracle happened...the moody guy said something about her moving in. Lucky dog, lucky dog, I'm such a lucky dog! I did my happy dance, which basically meant that I spun around in circles while I jumped and wagged my tail – the bitches loved that shit – just to show her how much I cared. And of course, I sniffed her butt. What? Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same.

Hey, do you smell bacon?

Wait. Where was I? Right, so I was smelling her butt, which was awesome, by the way, and then the moody guy shows her one of the bedrooms. I was so excited I almost peed myself right then and there.

And then, for a moment, my hopes were dashed. My pretty lady said she had to think about it. Of course, the moody guy finally did me a solid and offered to drop the rent, and thank you, God! She said yes!

I was nearly out of my mind with happiness when I thought about the fact that I'd soon be able to dig into her laundry basket and shred her panties. And if I was really lucky, maybe she'd let me sleep with her. Fuck, wouldn't that be awesome? But I digress...

Yeah, so back to the story...the pretty lady had to leave, but before she went, the moody guy went and totally fucked me over by asking her to have dinner with him and the kid. I mean, Jesus, talk about an unfair advantage. Not only did he use the kid (who, admittedly, is pretty damned cute) to score a date, but he also took advantage of the fact that he was actually allowed into a restaurant. Bastard. I'm gonna need to get that service dog certification after all if I wanna keep this hot mama to myself. That's the only way I'll ever set foot in one of those places. And let's face it, she's totally worth it.

I knew then that I'd have to come up with a plan of attack to win her affections away from the moody guy. One that didn't involve my usual move of humping her leg. I mean, yeah, it usually worked with the other bitches, but with my pretty lady, well, that would just seem crass.

After she left, I settled back down on my bed and began to formulate my plan. The moody guy was going down. I'd wolf his ass if I had to.

And then I licked my balls. Why? Because I can, dummy. Sheesh.