A/N: in all honesty I have no idea what made me write a Kuzco-fic. Must have been a moment of insanity. XD Never mind, it's here, insane as it can be.

Disclaimer: The Emperor's New Groove and The Emperor's New School belong to Disney. I'm just fooling around with its characters and putting them in T-rated situations. Shame on me! :P

Thanks to Michael for the beta, as usual.

The Emperor's New Doom

Chapter 1

"Principal Amzy, have you seen Yzma by any chance?" Kronk entered the principal's office with an idiotic smile on his face.

"I am Yzma!" Principal Amzy tore off her mask.

"Oh," Kronk breathed. "Really?"

"Yes, Kronk, really," Yzma said irritably. "Haven't I told you a thousand times?"

"Weeeell," Kronk scratched his head, "you might have. Yeah. Probably. But you should really write it down…"

Yzma rolled her eyes. "Never mind, Kronk. Have you fulfilled the task?"

"The task? Oh, yes, the task!" his eyes glinted. "Of course, the task! Yes, Yzma, I poured the howler monkey potion into Kuzco's drink at tonight's Kuzcoween party, just as you asked me, only…"

"Only what, Kronk?" Yzma snapped.

"Oh well… Malina sat down to Kuzco's table shortly after I'd poured some of the potion into Kuzco's drink but before he could have drunk any of it, and she put her glass down right next to his, and her glass looked exactly like his, so I just… had to pour some into both glasses to make sure that Kuzco would drink the potion!"

"Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" Yzma boxed into the air triumphantly. "Then we'll have two howler monkeys by tomorrow morning! And can a howler monkey sit on the throne?"

"Uh… I don't know," Kronk said.

"NO, you idiot, a howler monkey cannot sit on the throne!"

"Perhaps it can't, but the effect of your potions never lasts long…" Kronk pointed out.

"True," Yzma grinned, rubbing her hands together, "but this one is an exception. This is the Howler Monkey Forever Potion!"

"Wow, you must've spent a lot of time coming up with this name," Kronk said with true admiration. "I would never have managed to come up with one like this!"

"That's why I'm the brains here and you're the brawn, Kronk," Yzma snorted and turned back into Principal Amzy.

"Wow, Principal Amzy, are you the same as Yzma?" Kronk whistled. "I would never have guessed!"

oOo

The sun filtering through the window coaxed Malina back from dreamland. She opened her eyes, yawned and noted to herself that her thoughts were unusually hazy and sluggish, as if she had been hit on the head with a club. True, she might have drunk a little too much last night, but not even drinking should have resulted in such a blank mind. As much as her brain could work in its current half-frozen state, it suggested to her that she had forgotten something. But what exactly?

Malina shifted a bit to lift the blanket off herself, and that was when she realised that the blanket was not the only thing covering her – there was one thin and unfamiliar arm draped firmly across her midsection. Or was that arm truly unfamiliar?

Blood freezing in her veins, she chanced a glance over her shoulder, and even her heart missed a beat when her eyes fell upon the peacefully sleeping form of almost-emperor Kuzco. His lips were tucked into a childish smile that suggested he was having a particularly sweet dream – perhaps one about his people admiring him, or one about himself admiring himself in the mirror, or one about him and Malina having…

What? – an outraged voice in Malina's mind screamed. We can't be having anything together!

But… haven't we had something together? – another little voice in her mind replied teasingly.

The fact that various pieces of clothing were scattered all around the bed only added to her suspicions. For a second she felt grateful to all the Incan gods for having her family as far away as possible – they had left for a long weekend to Cure All Spa & Hot Springs, leaving her to celebrate Kuzcoween as she saw fit.

Malina's heart sank into her stomach. Her parents had trusted her, and apparently she had abused their trust. If only she could at least remember how she had abused it, but even the benefit of proper remembrance was denied her! Then again, perhaps it was better to not fully remember…

Despite her sluggish thoughts and the gaping holes in her memories, she was still Malina, one of the top students at Kuzco Academy. She would not lose her sanity to stupid suspicions: she needed to ascertain things. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she peeked under the covers.

This was the very moment that Kuzco chose to wake up. Catching a highly upset lady peeking under the blanket that covered both their bodies struck him as an invasion of his royal privacy and made him scream and yank the blanket back in place. This resulted in the other end of the blanket being torn out of Malina's hands, leaving her completely naked. Now it was her turn to scream and grab the blanket to pull it back on her, which left Kuzco without any shelter of modesty.

"Malina!" he yelled, pulling up his spindly legs to hide his private parts as much as possible. "What are you doing?"

"I could be asking you the same!" she snapped, her eyes sending lightning bolts at him. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

"Well…" he scratched his jaw with a ponderous expression, "I don't really know what I'm doing here right now – besides sitting naked and letting you yell at me – but I think I know what we were doing last night," he added, wriggling his eyebrows. "My memories are sort of hazy, but those few details I remember are really nice, for example I seem to recall that you're a real screamer…"

"Kuzco!" she swung a pillow at him.

"Now really, don't you remember anything of it?"

"Not much," she grunted, turning away from him. She didn't feel like looking at a nude male, even if the sight wasn't overall unpleasant. For a second she even wished he wouldn't curl into a ball like that and would show her more of himself, but then she shuddered at the mere idea of it. Seeing Kuzco of all people naked couldn't possibly be pleasant, and it was the last thing she would ever wish for! Then why… why did she still wish for it? Was she in her right mind?

Suddenly she felt a light touch on her shoulder and his warm breath on her neck as he said, "But that 'not much' that you remember isn't bad, is it?" His voice sounded much less confident than it usually did, it lacked all the Kuzco-conceit that she had always found so irritating about him. Could he indeed be this gentle?

"No, Kuzco," she sighed. "Those small things I remember are quite nice."

"Hah! I knew!" he laughed, immediately back to his old, unbearably confident self. "Kuzco is good at everything, even in pleasing Malina! Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!"

She could only roll her eyes, her back still turned on him. "I only wish I knew how and why we got this far? I never intended to…"

"Well, I don't know about you, but as far as I remember, last night I suddenly felt an insurmountable urge to make you my empress…"

"I'm not your empress!" she turned around to face him, her eyes once again sparkling with fury. "And never will be! And tell you what, had I not felt the same insurmountable urge to be with you, I would never have done it!"

"But you did feel it, and that's what counts!" he pointed out, no longer trying to cover himself.

"Kuzco, don't you see it? We have acted on some unnatural instinct – something that didn't even come from us, but from outside!"

"Outside?" he frowned, looking out the window. "Where?"

"Yzma's lab, I'd guess," she sighed.

"But… why would Yzma want us to…?"

"I don't think she wanted us to… do that. This wouldn't be the first time that she gave you a potion with a wrong label and got different results than she wanted…" She bit into her lower lip, looking away. "Whatever we felt for each other last night, wasn't real and is over."

"But… but… it was real, for me!" he stammered.

"I'm sorry, Kuzco, for me it isn't," she sniffed, pulling the blanket tighter around herself. "And now, please, leave my house."

"May I put my clothes back on first?"

Malina nearly laughed at the absurdity of the question. He had sounded so insecure again, so… cute. She hated to quell that warm, fuzzy feeling that always engulfed her whenever Kuzco had an 'insecure and cute' moment. Because, for the time being, Kuzco still had more 'stuck-up and selfish' moments than 'insecure and cute' ones. And as long as that remained like that, she would need to keep him at arm's length and offer him no more than her platonic friendship. But could they possibly be platonic friends after this?

oOo

Yzma's jaw dropped.

"Is everything all right, Principal Amzy?" Kronk asked upon approaching her on the terrace of Kuzco Academy.

"All right, you are asking me, Kronk?" she hissed, tearing her eye from the telescope she had been scanning the passers-by below on the street with. "Look into this!"

Kronk obliged. "Hey, that's Kuzco over there!"

"Yes, that's Kuzco, and he isn't a howler monkey!" Yzma snapped.

"But… why would he be a howler monkey?" Kronk scratched his head.

"Why? Because of the potion you gave him!"

"But… Principal Amzy, how do you know about that potion? It was Yzma who gave it to me…"

"I am Yzma!" the principal tore off her mask.

"Oh, wow, really?" Kronk clapped enthusiastically. "That's a neat trick, show it again!"

Yzma rolled her eyes. "How come he hasn't turned into a howler monkey? And Malina? I've seen her too, she looked very human, if a bit forlorn…"

"Forlorn… that sounds very poetic," Kronk sighed.

"Show me that vial!"

"Which vial? The one that held the Howler Monkey Forever Potion?"

"Yes, that one."

"Here," Kronk pulled it out of his shirt.

Yzma snatched the vial out of his hand and her face fell. "But this isn't the Howler Monkey Forever Potion!"

"No?" he looked politely confused.

"No! Look at the label!"

"Well, it's half missing, but… it does look like a monkey!"

"It's not a monkey, it's Cupid's behind!" Yzma snarled.

"Uh-oh… how embarrassing for poor Cupid to have a behind that looks like a monkey! But Yzma…" Kronk blinked in confusion, "who is Cupid?"

oOo

"What happened?" asked Pacha, sitting down on the garden bench next to a thoroughly crestfallen Kuzco.

"Nothing," the young man shrugged.

"Something definitely has. You wouldn't be moping like that if something hadn't."

"I'm not moping," Kuzco grunted. "An emperor does not mope!"

"You're no emperor yet," Pacha pointed out.

"Glad to have you around to remind me of that."

"Glad to be of service," Pacha said good-naturedly, if with a little sarcastic edge. "But honestly, tell me what is eating away at you. Maybe I can help."

"Not unless you can turn back time and make last night unhappen," Kuzco said.

"'Unhappen' isn't even a word…"

"I've just invented it," grunted the young man. "An invention loads better than Kronk's bucket handle. I might even win a prize for it."

"You are unusually sarcastic today," Pacha perceived. "But you said something about last night. Did the Kuzcoween party go wrong?"

"Nope, at least, not until Kronk spiked mine and Malina's drinks."

"It should be 'Malina's and mine', that's the polite order," Pacha said gently.

"I'm the emperor," Kuzco stood up, "and it's all about me, remember that, peasant!" Just as Pacha was about to comment, the boy's shoulders sagged, and his mask of self-confidence crumbled. "I wish it was only about me this time! But no, it's about Malina too, and she hates me for it!"

"I doubt if she hates you," the older man shook his head with a benign smile, "and even if she looks like she does, it isn't real. She likes you, only hides it well."

"Even if she did like me before, she no longer does," Kuzco waved his hand, "and all thanks to that stupid love potion of Yzma's!"

"Love potion?" Pacha raised an eyebrow at his young friend. "You mean like that cutie potion that once made you irresistible to… everyone?"

"If only," Kuzco sighed, "that wasn't nearly as humiliating as this one… and that didn't result in Malina hating me!"

"Why, what did this particular love potion do?"

"It made us…" Kuzco bit into his lower lip, "it made us… you know what!"

"In all honesty, no."

"Pacha, you can't be this slow on the uptake! You're married and have three kids! You know what the 'you know what' is!"

Understanding dawned on the older man. "Oh."

"Yes, oh. We lost our minds. Behaved like a pair of rabbits, if I recall it well…" A reminiscing smile appeared on Kuzco's face. "Malina indeed is a hottie-hot-hottie… especially without clothes… but," he shook himself back to reality, "she hates me now. And it wasn't even my fault! I'm innocent, Pacha! Just look at me and see how innocent I am!"

Pacha knitted his eyebrows and scratched his jaw. "I see no wings or halo… but I believe you that whatever Malina did was due to Yzma's potion. However, what you did… I bet you would have done it even without the potion. Am I right?"

"No, absolutely no," Kuzco folded his arms with a defiant expression and turned his back on his friend. "Oh, okay, probably. Yes," he doubled back. "And so what? It doesn't matter what I would have done if the potion had only affected Malina! She hates me, and that's the point!"

"I see… But do tell, on what do you base your belief that she truly hates you?"

"She hasn't talked to me all day at school! Not a single word! Not even a teeny-weeny little smile! She haaaates meeeeee!" Kuzco broke into tears, but only for three seconds, then straightened his back and wiped his face. "Don't you ever dare tell her that I cried! I'd never live it down!" And he broke into tears again. Pacha pretended not to grin too much.

oOo

Kronk was getting thoroughly frustrated. After his failure at giving Kuzco the Howler Monkey Forever Potion at Kuzcoween, Yzma had dragged him down into her secret lab and pushed the vial of aforementioned potion into his hands, saying, "Keep this on you all the time, and once the opportunity arises, pour it into Kuzco's drink or drip it on his food. It's colourless and odourless, he won't notice. I don't care if you manage it in a week or a month or a year, but make sure you succeed, or I swear I'll use the potion on you!"

"But Yzma, how could you use it on me, if the potion is in my pocket and not in yours?" he had asked, making his boss roll her eyes.

Problem was, Kronk hadn't succeeded yet, although six whole weeks had passed since the fateful Kuzcoween incident. Kuzco himself had spent these past six weeks moping, sending Malina wistful glances that she more often than not did not return, and his grades were failing drastically which made only Yzma delighted. In these past six weeks, however, Kuzco had not only become depressed, but also overall suspicious. He simply refused to eat or drink anything offered to him by Kronk, although Kronk had tried it at least three dozen times. Just like now…

"But really, Kuzco, these are extremely delicious, and today is the Spinach Puffs for Kuzco Day, so you must taste at least one of them."

"Thanks, Kronk, perhaps another time," Kuzco sighed, pushing away the tray Kronk had put before him. "I'm not hungry. Not when Malina doesn't even look at me…" He pouted, turning in the direction of the girl's table. "Have you seen that? As soon as I looked that way, she cast her eyes down! She's avoiding my stare! She hates me!"

"But why does she hate you?" Kronk asked.

Kuzco gave him a sour look. "None of your business. Eat your spinach puffs yourself, I've got to go to Mr. Moleguaco's class."

"Oh, good that you mention it, me too," Kronk tossed the tray of spinach puffs out the window. Had Kuzco chosen to taste them, he would have dripped a few drops of the potion on each spinach puff, but this way the vial remained hidden in his pocket, feeling heavier and heavier every day. What if he never managed to fulfil the task?

With a disappointed sigh, he hurried after Kuzco into Mr. Moleguaco's classroom.

They were having an absolutely fascinating Howler Monkey language lesson – Are howler monkeys haunting me?, Kronk wondered – and shortly after the lesson had started, Malina hopped up from her seat, mumbled something about needing to visit the bathroom, and stormed out with a white face and her hands pressed on her mouth.

Confused, Kronk stared after her. His confusion only heightened when Kuzco too jumped up and said, "Excuse me, professor, I must go and see if she's doing well…" And with that, he left the classroom, only to return five minutes later, sporting a black eye.

"Hey, Kuzco, you've got a black eye!" Kronk said.

"Yeah," Kuzco said darkly, "Moxie gave it to me when I tried to enter the girl's bathroom. She wouldn't believe me that I only wanted to check on Malina!"

"Never mind, it suits you," Kronk opined. "Do you think it would suit me too? I'd love to have a black eye like that! Do you think I should try to enter the girl's bathroom too and hope Moxie gives me one too?"

His friend only presented him with an even darker expression, and a few minutes later Malina reappeared, still as white as a sheet.

"You seem to be ill, Malina, please go home," Mr. Moleguaco said. "I need a volunteer to escort her home!"

"Me!" Kuzco and Kronk jumped up at once.

"Kronk, please," Malina whimpered, once again avoiding Kuzco's glance. Kronk was really, really getting confused about the behaviour of these two. Malina wasn't the type to whimper and Kuzco wasn't the type to mope. What could have happened? Did it have something to do with the potion that had the label depicting Cupid's behind? He scratched his head. He might never understand it.

oOo

"You know, you should really tell him," Chicha said benignly, taking a seat next to Malina. After Kronk had escorted the girl home, he had made an appearance in Pacha's house and told Chicha everything from Malina's illness to Kuzco's black eye. And the woman, knowing that Malina's parents were working on the fields and the girl was likely to be alone at home, decided to pay her a visit.

"Tell whom what?" Malina said, trying to look casual.

"You know exactly whom and what," the older woman said, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"I might know, but how do you know?" Malina frowned.

"Dear, I've had three, I recognise the signs."

"That's not what I meant," the girl said defiantly, "how do you know what happened between Kuzco and me? Did he tell you? Did he brag about it? If yes, then…" her hands made a move that suggested she was choking an invisible person.

"Calm down, dear. He didn't brag about it. Actually, he only told Pacha, and even Pacha barely could make him admit it. As for me, I sort of… overheard their discussion," Chicha chuckled, her eyes glinting with mirth.

"This isn't funny at all! This is… catastrophic!" Malina burst out. "What am I to do now?"

"As I've told you before, tell him."

"No!"

"He will find out sooner or later either way, so why not sooner than later, when he can still make amends without making things even more awkward for both of you?"

Malina crossed her arms. "I doubt if it could be any more awkward! And what do you think he would do if he found out? Marry me? As if I ever wanted to be his empress…!"

"Why, don't you?" Chicha arched an eyebrow at the girl.

"No! Well… perhaps… if he were a little more… deserving! But he's not! He's still conceited, narcissistic, selfish and irritating!"

"Yes, but much less than he used to be. He's changed a lot, for the better. Had you known him before he had been turned into a llama, you would see how much he has already changed, and I have no doubt he will continue walking on the right path, with your help."

"My help?"

"Yes, dear, yours," Chicha smiled. "Besides my husband you have been the one who has mostly influenced him and made him a better man."

"A man?" Malina let out a sarcastic little laugh. "He's no man, he's a boy, a kid, a selfish kid incapable of behaving like an adult! He could barely make himself take care of the kitty Homework! How could he be a proper husband and a proper… father?"

"Give him some credit," Chicha patted her gently on the shoulder. "He'll undoubtedly have some difficulties, but he has so far successfully risen to all challenges."

"You mean successfully cheated, lied and used others to reach his aims?" Malina said, her voice dripping with malice.

"I think you're just searching for excuses why you should not admit to yourself that you like him and why you should continue blaming him for what happened. But face it, dear, in this case, he was innocent. Only that love potion can be blamed, and for that, only Yzma can be blamed."

Malina let out a frustrated sigh. "Oh, all right. I might tell him. Just might."

At that moment there was a knock on the door, and before either of the women could answer, a sheepish-looking Kuzco let himself in. Malina thought how ironic it was that he managed to look sheepish and yet muster enough courage – or rather cheek – to enter without hearing a clear 'come in!'. But this was Kuzco, after all, why should she be surprised by anything he did?

"Er… hello, Malina," he sent her a meek smile. "I've just dropped by to see if you're doing better…"

"Yes, Kuzco, thanks," she sighed.

Chicha rose to her feet. "I think it's time to leave you kids alone. You've got a lot to discuss."

Malina watched as the older woman walked to the door and almost shouted after her to stop her, to beg her to not leave her alone with Kuzco, but her vocal cords had frozen and she found she couldn't utter a single word.

The door closed behind Chicha with a soft click, and Malina found herself facing a somewhat jittery-looking future emperor. She forced her facial muscles not to tuck into a grin. Kuzco always looked endearing when he looked nervous…

oOo

"I've really tried, Yzma," Kronk whined, "but Kuzco's horribly suspicious! He doesn't want to drink or eat anything I offer him! Today I tried twice: once with a coffee in the morning and once with spinach puffs at lunch, and I wanted to try again with some ice cream after classes, but I couldn't because I had to escort Malina home early because she felt sick because–"

"Sick?" Yzma interrupted, "I'm sick of your blundering, Kronk!"

Kronk, however, had probably not heard her comment about his blundering and reflected on her question, "Yes, sick. She ran out of Mr. Moleguaco's class to throw up. Kuzco ran after her, but ran into Moxie's fist in the girl's bathroom, so he has a really fashionable black eye now. I almost feel jealous of it… Really, could you give me one, Yzma? Pretty please?"

The woman was no longer paying attention to him. Her big bulging eyes were distant, she did not even blink for several seconds.

"Hey, Yzma, are you all right?" Kronk waved a hand before her face after a while. "You haven't blinked for one minute and twenty-nine seconds, I've checked the sun dial!"

Yzma shuddered and came back to reality. "You said Malina was throwing up?"

"Yes, but she didn't have a fever, nor a cough, nor a runny nose, nor diarrhoea, nor rashes, nothing. And she refused to visit the school doctor, though I dunno why…"

"Well, I think I know why," a grim expression spread on Yzma's ugly face. "She's ashamed of her condition."

"Her condition? But what is there to be ashamed of being ill? Everyone falls ill once in a while!"

"She's not ill, Kronk!"

"No?"

"No! Six weeks ago Kuzco and Malina drank some of the Insurmountable Desire Potion, which must have led them to do naughty things…"

"What naughty things?"

Yzma carried on as though she hadn't heard Kronk's question, "…and you've kept telling me these six weeks how Malina has been avoiding Kuzco. That must be because she was ashamed of what had happened between them… and now she's vomiting! It all adds up, Kronk!"

"Adds up?" Kronk scratched his head. "What?"

"That fateful night Kuzco and Malina made a baby!"

"Oh, did they?" Kronk clapped. "How wonderful! But Yzma…" he knitted his eyebrows with a confused expression, "how did they make one?"

"Have you heard of the birds and the bees, Kronk?"

"Oh, of course, I've even seen them, and talked to a few, I can speak toucan perfectly!" Kronk grinned proudly.

Yzma slapped her face. "Never mind, Kronk. Do you know what this means?"

"That Pacha and Chicha's baby is getting a little friend to play with?" Kronk suggested with a wide smile.

"No, Kronk, it means we have another threat, therefore another target," Yzma said darkly. "We can deal with turning Kuzco into a howler monkey later. For the time being we've got to take care of this possible heir to the throne!"

"What do you mean by that?" Kronk swallowed, his grin fading from his face. He didn't like that look on his boss's face…

"It means, you big oaf, that we will kill Kuzco's little bastard!"

"But Yzma…" Kronk said in a small voice, "isn't 'bastard' a very rude word?"

oOo

A/N: ahem. Reviews would be welcome.