SHI-LONG LANG AND THE WOLF DETECTIVE

~~~~~~~~~~~~CHAPTER TWO~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aw, shit yeah, mofos! Shi-Long and Zhen Hu are back to bring the SMACK DOWN on all the people SELLING DRUGS in the LOCAL NEIGHBORHOOD. Let's do this!


Interpol Agent Shi-Long Lang and Zheng Fa Police Department (ZFPD) Wolf Detective Zhen Hu were crouching behind some crates in an abandoned warehouse. A short distance away, three men were talking in hushed tones about shady plans to sell the most toxic and deadly of all the drugs... The Mari-Juana plant.

Lang whispered to Zhen Hu, "You see that tall man who's talking the most out of the three? His name is Shan Ling and he is the most dangerous person in this building. It is fortunate that you are a wolf and not a person." (The implication was that Zhen Hu was the most dangerous one in the building, which is probably true, since a wolf with a gun is very dangerous indeed.) Lang continued talking about Shan Ling, "He smokes the Mari-Juana, also commonly referred to as a 'pot' or a 'weed doobie' and it makes him crazy. He smokes so much weed, he even finds Late Night with Jimmy Fallon funny! And also, he eats a lot of Cheetos. If he just did drugs by himself, it would be bad enough, but he is planning to sell it to COLLEGE STUDENTS in an effort to destroy our local school system! It is written by Lang Zi, 'Winners don't do drugs, except for winners of drug-smoking competitions.'"

Zhen Hu was repulsed by Shan Ling and his filthy drug habits, as well as his immoral plan to corrupt the college-age youth of Zheng Fa. Also, Shan Ling preferred Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and only some sort of humorless monster could do that.

Meanwhile, Shan Ling and his two drug-sellin' colleagues were having a conversation of their own. Although Shan Ling was very excited about his plan to sell drugs to college students, his co-workers needed more convincing. "I dunno, Shan," said Benjamin Chang, a short, stocky Zheng Fa native with comically large eyebrows, "how do we even know college students will like smoking and/or 'huffing' the Mari-Juana plant? ((Note: "huffing" is a technical term for inhaling. I know this because I spent a good deal of time in the seamy underbelly of drug culture as research for this story)) I mean, they take several classes, they would know the negative effects of inhaling smoke. We ought to market the Mari-Juana to politically conservative religious housewives; they seem like the kind of people who would love it."

The third man in the group voiced his agreement with Ben Chang. His name was Phoenix Wright. ((Note: This is a completely different Phoenix Wright than the American defense lawyer. It's just one of those freaky coincidences that happen all the time. This Phoenix Wright is overweight, Jewish, a slightly overenthusiastic fan of Major League Bowling, and already suffers from male pattern baldness despite being 29 years old.))

ENOUGH OF THIS BORING STUFF, BACK TO SHI-LONG LANG AND ZHEN HU.

"We should arrest these bastards before they sell drugs to college students," growled Lang. Zhen Hu growled too. He couldn't help it, he was a wolf. But if he could talk, he'd probably say something like, "Yes, I agree." So Shi-Long Lang and Zhen Hu jumped out from behind the crates and Lang yelled, "The three of you are under arrest for conspiracy to sell drugs to people. Hands in the air!"

Shan Ling put his hands in the air. Ben Chang hesitated for a bit, then also put his hands in the air. Finally, Phoenix Wright put his hands up in the air, but then he started waving them, like he just didn't care. "It is written by Lang Zi, 'No funny business, unless you are a professional funny person, such as Conan O'Brien!'" ((Note: Jay Leno is an asshole.)) shouted Lang, but Phoenix Wright kept waving his hands erratically. Zhen Hu growled, which probably was supposed to mean something like, "Stop, or I'll be forced to shoot!" But Phoenix Wright didn't stop, so Zhen Hu was forced to shoot. Fortunately for Phoenix, he had a bag of the Mari-Juana plant in his pocket, so the bullet didn't kill him, although the Mari-Juana was rendered unusable for smoking purposes, unless you wanted to SMOKE A BULLET TOO. ((Note: This would kill you.))

So Agent Lang and Detective Hu arrested the drug dealers, and no college student ever smoked illegal drugs ever again. There was only one way to celebrate this, and that was with a HIGH-FIVE.

WELL, THAT'S THE STORY OF HOW ZHEN HU KILLED ALL DRUGS FOREVER. STAY TUNED FOR MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF SHI-LONG LANG AND ZHEN HU AND DON'T DO DRUGS AND ALSO STAY IN SCHOOL! IF YOU ONLY HAVE TIME TO DO ONE OF THOSE, READING MORE EXCITING LANG AND HU ADVENTURES SHOULD BE THE TOP PRIORITY!


Next chapter: Shi-Long and Zhen Hu solve a mystery! On a train! Or possibly on a place other than a train! I'm still on the first draft! I'm not even completely certain they'll solve a mystery!


Note: Phoenix Wright died two weeks later while recklessly jaywalking across A RIVER OF LAVA.