Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds – Hugh Elliott
The silence in the truck was deafening as Bella continued to sleep or more like she found a way of avoiding me. Part of me was relieved. It gave me a change to think but unfortunately all my thoughts seemed to be of Bella, of her change, of us. I longed for the quiet to invade my brain but I knew there was no escaping the screaming voices in my mind.
And you know what those voices sounded like, they sounded like fucking Peter, "Who are you trying to kid?"
This whole situation was so fucked up. How did I get myself into this mess? Seriously, fuck! How did I let this happen? How did I fall for Bella? Bella who I never saw as anything other than Edward's mate? Why now, what was different now? Why did this girl mean anything to me? She had been nothing but a pain in my ass since she came back into my life.
"Can you rein in the anger, it woke me up from a sound sleep, and I'm in a worse mood now than I was because of you. Seriously," Bella bitched at me, throwing back not only my anger but her own pissed off temper.
My first thought was to send her back into dream land but even if she was bitching at me and driving me nuts, it was so much better than listening to the voices in my head.
Unfortunately after Bella woke up the strained silence lasted all the way until we arrived at my house. She was trying to make a point; she didn't have anything to say to me.
She had agreed to my demands just as I had to hers but this was a stranded partnership. One that left both parties feeling empty and unsatisfied.
My hope was that once everything was said and done things might be different. We lose memories and the emotions that rule those memories after the change, and I was hoping that Bella would lose all of them but one, her true feelings for me.
That was, if I was right about her feelings being deeper than she claimed. And I was usually right about feelings. Now I just needed time to prove that I was right.
"You don't get much company out here, do ya?" Bella shot at me, as she took in the isolation that was my home.
"You'll be thankful for that, soon."
"And how soon is that going to be?"
"All in time," I told her walking into the house. I was making sure that she knew from this moment forward I was in charge and things were going to go just the way that I wanted them to.
It was the only way it could go. Once she was changed, it was going to be hard enough to control her as it was. She needed to know that what I said was law and there was no other way.
"You can take the bedroom," I explained to her after the short tour of my humble home.
"I don't want to take your room. I mean at least we could do is share."
"I really don't have much of a need for it. You might as well get some use out of the bed, at least for a few more days."
"Sleep was not what I had in mind," Bella smirked, sending out pure lust. She knew already the power, the control that sex yielded over a man, over me.
"You should shower and change. We will make a trip to town for supplies," I told her, circling myself in calm, pushing out her blunt proposition. I had to keep her out. Her emotions were bouncing back and forth, going from anger to lust in record time.
"I really don't feel like it. Why don't you go yourself?" she shot back at me, sounding like a spoiled child. I was waiting for the feet stomping next because she hadn't gotten what she wanted.
"Because I don't need food or clothes or toilet paper, all things that you might enjoy having, and the fact that I am not your beck and call boy."
"I've never seen you this rude before. Seriously Jasper, what happened to that southern charm?" Bella accused.
"What can I say? You bring out the worst in me."
"The more time I spend with you the less I find myself liking you, at least outside the bedroom."
"At this point I don't care so much about you liking me and more about you following my orders," I explained to her, thinking my control should never be questioned again. With all the lust and desire that Bella had been sending me for me, to not be fucking her senseless right now reviled the control of anyone I knew.
"You are becoming dangerously close to sounding like your brother," Bella warned me, her irritation skyrocketing.
"Keep comparing me to Edward and you will see just how much I am not like him. You choose me to change you and with that choice comes certain terms and term one is don't question me, term two, and follow all my orders to the letter. Simple."
"If I wanted a prison warden I would have stayed with them."
I chuckled softly to myself at a volume too low for her to hear. It was funny to think that she considered me the lesser of two evils, that she feared what the Cullen's would put her through over what I was capable of doing. Yes I could be your unwavering protector and I could be your worst nightmare.
"I have no desire to be a warden to you. I don't get off on controlling others like some people. That being said, I do demand that when I'm responsible for someone that that take it as seriously as I do. If you can't listen to me now, take some simple instructions from me there is no hope for when you are a newborn."
"The lack of confidence coming from you is making me really worried. I never expected that from you. Not from Major Jasper Whitlock," she dug for a response.
"You better stop pushing my buttons or you are going to see The Major in full affect."
"I'm not scared."
Surprisingly I could feel that she wasn't. She was intrigued at the thought of The Major coming out to play. I tucked that away to take out and explore later. Now was not the time though. Not when this girl needed to be taken over my knee and spanked. Fuck that had all kinds of possibilities too.
"You should be. You should be scared that I ship you back to The Cullen's where you have Edward shoved up you ass," I warned her, knowing the mention of Edward would be enough to quill my thoughts.
"If I go back, you go back."
"You think that is a big deal to me? I've lived with them for decades. You want to go back, let's go."
"Is that what this is all about? Ever since I asked you to stay away from the family you have had this attitude with me. Do you want to go back, to go back to Alice or maybe Carlisle's new project, Abby?" Bella accused jealousy and hurt hitting me along with her words.
"Really? You really think that I am still holding a torch for Alice? I fucking told her I would marry her and what's his name. I'm not the type of guy to do that if I was in love with her."
"So it's Abby?" Bella shot at me.
"That was not a denial."
"Bella, I don't want Alice or Abby or anyone else for that matter. I'm committed to you, to changing you, to making sure that you are prepared for your new life. Nothing else matters to me but that."
"How long will that take, a year, two at most, and then what? Your job is done and you can move on."
"I don't know what the future is going to bring, especially factoring you into the equation."
"What does that mean?"
"Come on, Bella. Don't act like you don't know exactly what I mean. You can't forgive Edward for the back and forth, I want you, I don't want you, bullshit that he pulled on you but you sure the fuck don't care about doing the same thing to me. You want me, you don't, but you'll fuck me either way, well that is as long as I do what you want, give up my family, give up my freedom, push my control to the limit. I'm bending over backwards for you and you don't give a shit," I poured out to her, having had enough. I just couldn't let her go on acting the way she was without calling her on it.
I could feel her go into defense mode, ready to attack back. I had hit a nerve because she knew what I had said was spot on. Still I wasn't saying things just to hurt her. I wanted her to know what she was too hurt, to consume with self preservation to see.
"Gosh, I'm so sorry that I have treated you so badly. I mean me, what was I thinking, the human, the one who has no say over anything, taking advantage of you, you poor little thing," Bella expressed with a sickened laugh.
"Playing the victim, it doesn't suit you."
"And here I thought that I was playing the martyr," she hurled at me, trying to slice me to shreds. I did feel the cuts but I could show no weakness.
"You don't need to remind me of the sacrifices that you are making to save us and when I say us that includes you. But I can't feel sorry for you or even the guilt that you want me to. You walked into this with your eyes open knowing the only outcome. The path might have changed but the destination is still the same. You were always going to be one of us. So stop playing the poor me card and suck it up and act like an adult."
"What you are really saying is just sit back and keep my mouth shut and let you all fuck me over again."
"No, that is not what I am saying. You should stand up for yourself but not at the expense of others. Wounding people with your words, hurting people's feelings, just because you can, is wrong. Especially people who never did anything to you."
"There are no innocents in this, including me. I do know that. That is why I am here, handling my life over to you. I do know this could end no other way but that doesn't mean that I have to like it, to be happy about it. And I'm sure the hell not going to make it easy on you or them by giving you a pass on your part in it."
"The only one you should blame is Edward. I don't deserve your wrath. After everything…."
"Really Jasper, all this is over you being butt hurt because of how I treated you," Bella snickered. "You tender little heart got all broken because I don't want to play house with you. Well guess what, I never wanted to be a wife. I never wanted to get married but I did to make someone else happy and look where that got me? I will never put what someone else wants over what I want again. I might be giving you my life but I will never give you my heart."
"Who said I wanted it?" I flung back at her.
"Please Jasper; you would never be content with anything less. And why is that, because we fucked, because you think because your dick was the first in me that it meant something. Well it didn't. Sorry to bust your bubble but all it was between us was sex. I wanted you. I still want you. You should know better than anyone not to mistake lust for love."
"I know the difference…"
"Good, so we don't have to have this conversation again? We can simply enjoy the pleasure we bring each other in the bedroom without the delusion that there can or ever will be anything else between us."
"Give me one good reason why?" I demanded to know. You can't fight an unknown enemy.
"I don't love you."
Well get right to the point, why don't you? Direct hit. Target destroyed. Mission accomplished.
"You might not right now but one day…"
"No, it is never going to happen."
"Why?" I questioned again since I had still had not gotten a reason why.
"Because I already gave my heart to him and even though I don't love him anymore that doesn't mean that I can just love someone else. It was a once in a life time event for me."
"I don't want to talk to you about this anymore. You've heard what I had to say. I care about you, I do, and I want us to be friends, lovers, but that is all it can be. If you can't handle that then let me know now."
I wanted to tell her there was no way that I could handle that. That I wanted so much more from her and that I knew deep inside, under all her scars and wounds that she wanted more too. She was just scared, scared that I was going to hurt her the way that Edward had hurt her.
What she couldn't understand what she couldn't know was that I was nothing like him. I would never leave her, never forsake her.
"The answer is yes, yes I can handle it. The real question is can you handle it sugar?"