Hello fellow readers. Welcome to "How to Survive a Zombie Outbreak" Handbook. Here, we will explain to you the top rules to follow in case there is a zombie outbreak. You're probabily wondering, "How do you know about zombie's behaviors?" First, I will facepalm, then scream "SHUT UP!!", then I will explain "We learnt it from a Video Game". Left 4 Dead? No, that's unrealistic. Night of the Living Dead? That's a movie, retard! I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES 1N IT!!!1? No way in hell! This game is Urban Dead. Yea, that game were you stand around punching people? That's so realistic, we decided to base a whole handbook on it. So, sit back, and enjoy as we set the scene of a zombie outbreak...
Screaming can be heard outside. Car horns, explosions, and an outburst of citizens fleeing the city were heard from every corner of Malton, USA. Every corner, except for Joey's house. Joey had been busy listening to his Heavy Metal collection. His U.H.T.N.C. Headphones had come equipped with noise canceling features, and thus, he couldn't hear the chaos from the outside. After listening to all the albums from AC/DC, Iron Madian, and Led Zepplin, he started to wonder why his friend, Fro', hadn't stopped by his house. Little did he know, Fro' had become a zombie. Infact, almost everyone in Malton were zombies. But Joey hadn't known that because A) zombies are weakest to closed doors, B) Joey was located on the fringe of the town, and C) zombies were too busy moaning and saying "Brainzzzz..." to notice that house on the left.
Finally, Joey left his house to go look for Fro'. Only after a half a second outside, he noticed ZOMBIES!! "OH MAH JESUZ," screams Joey, "Where did all these zombies come from??" Unfortunaely, Joey broke Rule #1 of the "How to Survive a Zombie Outbreak" Handbook: Don't alert the zombies. Once the zombies know you're alive and have brains, they'll swarm you like bees on honey. "Oh crap! I'm going to die!" But we're basing this on Urban Dead, remember! They don't attack you UNTIL you run out of action points. "What the hell are action points?" I'm running this handbook, bub! I ask the questions here! "OK, OK, I'm sorry!" ... "So... what are action points?" I'll explain that as soon as I tell the good folks that are reading the "How to Survive a Zombie Outbreak" handbook the second rule: Don't waste your action points! Action points are vital to ones survival in the Zombie Outbreak.
"What are action points?"
Without action points, the whole world would've become zombies by the year 1111.
"That's nice, but what are action points?"
Action points are like breakfast; it's the most important meal of surviving!
"WHAT THE HELL ARE ACTION POINTS!!"
Oh geez, always need a straight up explanation, do we, Joey? Action points allow you to do things. Actions cost action points, once you're out of action points, your turn ends. "Turns? Is this a turned based video game, or a zombie outbreak?!" Remeber, this handbook is based on Urban Dead. Now, STOP BREAKING THE DAMN FOURTH WALL!
Now, the zombies were closing in. Lucky, Joey finds a gun on the floor. "Wowza! Just my luck!" Wait Joey! "What?" You can't just fire that gun willy nilly. "But I had practice!" On what? Left 4 Dead. "No, I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES 1N IT!!!1" You're a stupid guy. "What? It's fun."
Joey has now come across our 3rd rule: Design a strategy! "Oh that's easy. Shoot for the head!" Hahahaha! You're so inexperienced, Joey. "Kick them in the nuts?" Let me speak now. "Waste your-" You can stop talking now. "Fine." Now, the best strategy when facing a zombie is: punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, then shoot your pistol. "That's the most stupidest thing I ever heard." so, Joey goes right down to shooting the pistol, none of the shots hit the zombies. Joey had no ammo, or action points. Zombie Turn. "What the-" The zombies swarmed Joey, and started feasting on his body. Screams of pain could be heard from all corners of Malton. But, it's normal for the survivors who used the "How to Survive a Zombie Outbreak" handbook.
Now, you've learned everything there is to learn. I have taught you all 50 of my Rules. I'm very confident that this handbook is the best handbook ever, I'm going to read you some reviews. Joe Delta says "This handbook is the worst book ever!" What? "The complete 50 rules weren't found, and instead, there were 3 lousy one. Don't read this ever!" Well, Joe Delta isn't the only reveiwer. Let's see what Bob Shlalob has to say. "The constant breaking of the fourth wall distracts the narrator from bringing out his message." You know what! That's it! This is the last handbook I am ever doing! If a zombie outbreak happens anytime soon, don't blame me and my handbook!
The Narrator died soon after making the "How to Survive a Zombie Outbreak" Handbook. The only clue to the crime was a note that said "That's what happens when you don't pay me for an acting job." It is unknown who did this.