It's Not Supposed to be this Way….
He's not supposed to be here, to see me like this. He's not supposed to see me feeling so weak, vulnerable, exposed, broken.
Yet, he's here; his arms around me making me feel warm, comfortable and loved.
He's not supposed to know how I fell like a girl on her first date for the club owner Chris. How I fell for him and fell hard. He swept me off my feet and made me feel like I was the only person in the world. Unfortunately that was very short lived.
Although I could say he broke my heart, he did that and more. He took my confidence along with my compassion.
I became a steel fortress after Chris. I created a Teflon exterior. Only a certain number of people could penetrate the barriers I set up. Gil Grissom was one of those people.
He not supposed to know how much it hurt. How I watched Gil, a man I had become friends with then felt something for. How much it hurt when Gil declared that Sara of all people was the only person he ever loved.
The sting of knowing how Gil felt about her stayed with me for a long time.
Or about Warrick. He's not supposed to know how Warrick, the other person who broke down my defenses, the beautiful Warrick Brown did actually break my heart when he announced his marriage to a woman named Tina.
He's not supposed to know that my secret-not-so-secret attraction to Warrick was a long standing fantasy. How it was such a shock to everyone how Warrick died, at the hands of a crooked cop and a mobster.
He's not supposed to know how part of me still wishes Warrick was alive so I could keep my fantasy alive.
He's not supposed to know how loosing Gil to Sara and Warrick's death forced me to cling even tighter to my daughter.
How her rebellion tears me up inside knowing how easily she could follow in my footsteps and how much that scares me.
How watching her dance so innocently at a club made me flip out inside. Watching the best thing that I have ever created, the best part of me, could slip away from me at any moment.
The suspicion of being raped, the kidnapping of my daughter, the light airy and again not so secret attraction to Mike Keppler and the turmoil I felt watching my father, Sam Braun, die in my arms. He's not supposed to know how all of those things have one time or another come back to haunt me, especially at night when I'm feeling my worst.
I'm the strong one. I didn't get to leave like Grissom did. I'm the one holding the team together now. I'm the one breaking in the new guy, figuring out what went wrong with Riley Adams, and welcoming Sara back. I'm the one doing all of that now. Me.
So, he's not supposed to see me like this; weak, vulnerable and defenseless. Or crumble and fall to pieces which I have many a time.
His arms wrap tighter around me and my head falls to his chest. His hand strokes my hair as his soft, yet strong and gentle voice tells me, "Its okay Catherine."
"Thank you Tony." I reply.
It's not supposed to happen this way. He's not supposed to be falling for me. And damn it, I'm not supposed to fall for him either.