And They Wonder Why I'm Bitter
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.
A/N: This vignette just came to me in an angst-ridden moment, and I had to write it. It's so funny - most of us don't like Kikyou too much, and I admit, I'm an Inu/Kags fan, but... I have to say, I empathize with Kikyou. She lost everything... and gained nothing.
It's almost funny when I look back on my life, to see how far I've fallen. From powerful priestess, feared and respected by all, to undead dark miko, feared and mis-trusted by everyone.
And they wonder why I'm bitter, and cold... and full of hate.
I was so young, my whole life in front of me when I died. My heart had just awoken, and I wanted a life with him so much. I wonder, now... did he really want the same - or was I just convenient? A comfort to a lonely soul? Watching him - with her... I think that it is true - I was never going to be with him forever.
Because he was meant for her.
And me? Who was I meant for? At that thought, I have to laugh - another cold laugh - I wasn't meant for anyone. I was meant to be born, watch over the jewel for a few short years, fall in love...
No wonder I'm cold.
Sometimes, when those companions of his speak of me with disdain, saying I'm cold and frozen, I want to scream at them... but only a person with fire, with warmth, with heat, can scream. I don't have any of that, so I can only whisper...
Of course I'm cold - I'm dead.
Not that they can hear me - and they probably wouldn't care even if they could. Because all they care about is her. Just like him.
She has the only thing I've ever wanted. Love. It's not much to ask, is it? To be loved...
But apparently, it was too much to ask - the kami didn't think I deserved that. I think they love Kagome, too. But they didn't love me.
Was I really so terrible in my previous life? What could I have done to deserve to be cheated this way? And what could I have done in my next life for Kagome to deserve such devotion from everyone - even the very gods I served in this life?
So many questions - and no answers.
I tried so hard to please the gods - I gave my life over to my duty... but it wasn't enough. It never is, it seems. No matter what I do, it seems I was never meant to have even one happy moment, unclouded by hate, or rage, or disdain.
After all, it was the duty of a miko, the duty assigned by the very same kami that had turned their backs on me, to care for those who were injured, and I was only following that duty when I cared for Onigumo.
And for doing my duty, I was condemned to betrayal - and death.
Even worse, I was betrayed again, betrayed back to a mockery of life in a clay body - a cold, bitter body - and then condemned for being what I was created in this body to be.
So, I watch Inuyasha, with her, Kagome... and it hurts. Because, while I might be cold, I can still feel pain. That's all I can feel - the bad things. Pain, and rage, and endless frigid cold, hatred, despair - oh, the despair I can feel... and bitterness.
I rail against my fate, I hate it, and my half-life, and my death, and wish that I could find more than death... that I could find oblivion. Eternal sleep... no reincarnating, no other lives - just sleep. Nothingness.
Then there would be no Kagome to mock me with what my life could have been - should have been. There would only be darkness...
Nirvana. Perfect nothingness.
But instead, I am here, and she is here, and he is here, and most importantly, they are here. Together. While I am still alone, as I have ever been.
I envy her her life, her love, her warmth... all those things I will never feel. Even my tears are cold... the tears that the kami allow me to feel, colder even than my body. They are so cold, they almost burn... how I wish that they would. Burn me, destroy me, turn me back to ash, and let me rest. But it is not to be.
And they wonder why I'm bitter, and cold...
It's because I'm alone - again, and always. After all, who wants to live one lifetime alone...
Let alone two?
A/N: (shivers) Sad. Personally, I prefer being alone. I'm what you call a loner. I don't deal well around a lot of people, and if I could re-do my life, I'd probably stay single forever - it's much more peaceful. But... I'm also old enough to know that most people don't like to be alone, and that's the viewpoint Kikyou has.