Author's Note: It's been a long time since the last time I wrote a fanfic, so please be gentle if you choose to review. I had no idea what to title this, I won't object to anyone who would like offer me their ideas for a title. I tried to keep both of them in character... don't know if I suceeded, but at the very least, I hope you enjoy. ^_^
He had come to a point, he had rarely if ever been to. He no longer knew what to do. Of course he knew his ultimate goal and the believed path to it. But now, right now, in this very instant, he was lost amongst the waves.
I wasn't sure what I had said, but something had caused him to laugh. I focus my attention, soaking up every inch of his face, memorizing him. The way the skin around his eyes crinkled, the line of his cheeks. The perfection of his lips, in shape and color. And most importantly the sound. Most everything he did, when studied, was half-hearted; but this laugh, this was one of the few times where he exposed his true self.
Almond eyes catch mine and the laugh quickly dies away. His face flushes briefly then disappears as he focuses on his computer, doing his best to brush off his discomfort. I turn back to my own computer and am mildly surprised to hear him speak moments later.
"Sometimes I have no idea what to make of you." I glance at him, then soundlessly turned back to my computer. I could feel Yagami-kun's gaze upon me and I ignore it until he turns away from me. I often reflect the thought back to him. I am sure Yagami-kun is Kira, but… sometimes I wonder. How has he made his dramatic transformation? Who is this young man in front of me? If I did not believe Yagami-kun to be Kira would I have asked the young man to join the team? No, probably not, but then again, Yagami-kun's detective skills rival my own.
I'm beginning to feel comfortable around him, in a way I've rarely felt toward anyone else. I have found myself slipping up around him. Its only little things though, at least that is what someone else would think. But I know the truth, these little things are only the start. Every time I catch myself I pull my guard back up, but somehow it always seems to slip away. Little laughs at the strange things L says, the endearing if not utterly strange way he sits. He puzzles me to no end. And perhaps that's what it is, what attracts me to him, like the so popular analogy: like a moth to the flame. The outcome could also be the same, that if I do fly into the flame I could very well lose my life. No matter how often I deny it, L finds a way to pin the title 'Kira' back to me.
Even the cuff around my wrist, though irritating, is also somewhat comforting. L will listen to me no matter what I say or how ridiculous. I could offer him my every thought, however dark and petty and he would listen and give me his thoughts on the matter. Though I don't dare to speak those thoughts, for fear of my percentage of being Kira rising any higher than it already is. L, with his obsidian eyes, can see right into my very being. Sometimes I find myself wanting only to look away, to hide the very core of my being from him, only my competitive nature keeps me focused. I wonder how he does it, how he sees me so surely, in a way no one else ever has. Is the world full of so many superficial people that even my own family cannot see me the way L does? Perhaps this is why I have never been interested in anyone enough to break away from my studies.
Sometimes I wonder why he puts on this show? But in fact it is no show, he doesn't even pretend to return Misa-san's feelings. He doesn't laugh around her. Not the way he does around me. How is it his bond with me, me who believes him to be Kira, is stronger than it is with this girl he is courting. He looks bored, his elbow on the arm of the couch and his face resting on hand.
Misa-san claims that if I were to leave them in privacy that their dates would become more intimate. I believe otherwise. Light-kun would find a way to break away, he would not show this girl his true feelings. He is using her, but for the life of me I cannot figure out why. Perhaps it is for the social standing? No, I do not believe Yagami-kun to be that sort of person. I watch him as I ponder, and am not surprised to see his eyes flicker to mine before returning to Misa-san.
"I'm sorry Misa," Light interrupts her and so the acting has finally begun, "It's getting late and I'm getting tired." Misa puckers her lip, but it has no effect. Light stands, pulling me with him.
"I will be waiting for our next date," Misa says, standing and coming to stand in front of Light-kun. She clasps her hand innocently behind her back and smiles as Light-kun leans down to kiss her lightly on the lips. He lingers momentarily, as though to exude tenderness and caring, but when he pulls away I can see the mask clearly in place. He smiles at her and then he turns to me and together we leave the room.
He is probably the only person I have ever met who is so adept at keeping his thoughts and feelings hidden, and yet so skilled at pretending to show such affection to the other people in his life.
Sweets, while I eat dinner, L eats sweets. It's amusing to see him, a man older than myself, so addicted to sweets. I watch as he pops a chocolate candy into his mouth, but before he reaches for another he sucks his index finger into his mouth and sucks off the melted chocolate. He then repeats this action with his thumb. I wonder how hot his mouth is… L's head suddenly turns and his eyes meet mine. As though in response to my thought and I feel my face suddenly begin to heat. I meet his gaze for a short moment then look away, lowering my eyes to my plate and trying to hide my face from him. L is far too analytical, but also socially inept, will he figure out what thought it was that had just raced through my mind? In fact why had it even crossed my mind? I am not attracted to men. I am not attracted to anyone...
But L that is… I try to push this thought away. My face begins to cool and I feel confident enough to raise my head again. L is still watching me. It's his eyes. They burn into me, swallowing me, how am I to fight those dark, soulless eyes? I feel something stir in the pit of my stomach, a tingling that works its way down to my toes and leaves me feeling like a shy child.
"Light-kun, is there something wrong?"
"I simply don't understand how you can eat that all day long," I reply. I keep my voice neutral so as not to betray me with fondness or irritation. "It's so disgusting and definitely not healthy."
"Hmm," L lifts his index finger to his lip, pushing it down while he thinks this over. His gaze unfocused as it always is when he is in thought. "No," he finally replies and returns his gaze to mine. "It is not healthy, but it is what I like and it gives me gratification." I shake my head and a smile crooks the corner of my mouth.
"Whether or not you get some kind of satisfaction from it that doesn't make it any healthier. Perhaps you would actually sleep well if you didn't eat so many of them." His black eyes watch my own. His silence is penetrating. After a few long moments he turns away and I find myself wanting to sigh with relief. I cut it off before it has the chance to escape, that last thing I need is for L to think that he intimidates me. The fact that I already slip-up around him is bad enough. I hate the feeling of comfort he gives me, and yet…
I suddenly awaken. Is he trying to leave? No, I can feel his body heat, I open my eyes. I am facing him and his back is to me. As much as we both despise it, or say that we do at least, we generally sleep on our backs or facing each other. It is the most comfortable position considering the chain that binds up together.
I can hear him breathing, panting. I can hear the little rattle of the chain as his wrist moves. For a moment I am breathless and I don't understand why; he has done this before. Being only eighteen it makes sense that he would need to satisfy his sexual desires. I have laid here countless nights listening to him as he masturbates and trying my best to ignore it, but tonight the affect on me is different.
"Nnn," it's a little sound that he tries to hide and I begin to feel a stirring in the pit of my stomach. Light-kun's blankets have slid down and I can see the curve of his hip and waist, leading up to his torso and finally to the arm he's using to pleasure himself. My hand begins to reach toward him. I stop just before touching him, my hand hovering over his hip. I shouldn't be doing this. But I want to… the thought is no more than a wisp of smoke, dispersing the moment I try to reign it in. I could compromise my entire case, but I want to touch him. I feel a stirring in my loins at the thought of letting my hand go and touching the soft skin exposed on his hip from where his shirt has ridden up to his waist.
I cannot. I will not.
My fingers graze his hip, and Light-kun gasps. I expect him to pull away, to be angry, to hit me. I slowly flatten my hand to his hip and begin to slide it toward his hardness.
"Ah!" it's a soft cry of climax. My hand continues still, his skin is soft, like I'd imagined. I feel the proof of his climax, and stroke him gently, liking the soft sound of surprise and delight. The sounds he makes are addicting, I feel my thoughts of doubt slipping away as I touch him, as I feel him thrash against me.
"What have you done to me?" I whisper in his ear. He stills, but not for long as my hand continues its actions. "What have you done to me?" I question him again. This time he turns to me, and I feel his hand on my face, resting against my cheek softly.
"I could ask you the same question," Light-kun murmurs. And then he is straddling me, and his lips are soft on mine. Soft and silken, like flower petals. And I devour him.