Aha! I'm back again, and for the last time with this particular story. *sniff* Yep, that's right, folks, this is the last chapter of Carson's (now totally EPIC) Rulebook. Don't worry, though, I have plenty more ideas for other guides, so watch this space!

So, my last thanks and virtual!cookies go to the following awesome people:

Jen-NCIS-Lover who gave me the prompts for Rules 966 and 967, Wannabe Starscream, who asked to see Rules 964 and 965, anotamous gave me Rule 962, Dautr abr du Sundavar, who requested Rule 963 and Crye 4 Me, who wanted to see what I could do with Rule 968.

And last but never least, Shadows-of-Realm, who provided me with the prompts for Rules 969 to 978, and 985 to 989, but also gave me the basis of the opening skit and beta'd this chapter. You're the best, Shadows! Love ya!

And to everyone who's given me prompts etc, THANK YOU! You're all shiny!

And there you are! So, why are you still reading this? Go on, go and read the last bit of madness from Pegasus! Enjoy.

"Medical Team to my quarters stat!" John barked into his headset, his features grim.

Carson's ever calm Scottish brogue filtered back across the radio. "What's the nature of the emergency, son?"

"It's Elizabeth!" the Air Force man replied shakily. "She's, um, not moving. Or responding to anything..."

In the Infirmary, Carson sent his eyes heavenward, trying his hardest not to laugh. "Bear with me a moment, Colonel," he told John. "I just need to talk to the techs for a second, okay?"

"Uh... Yeah, sure, Carson. Just don't be too long, okay?"

"I'll be back with you in a jiffy, lad," Beckett assured his panicked friend. He fiddled with his ear piece for a moment, before calling, "Chuck?"

"Yes Dr. Beckett?" asked the Canadian Gate technician.

"Could you switch myself and Colonel Sheppard to a secure channel?"

In the Gate Room, Chuck shared a knowing grin with Rodney, who happened to be fixing one of the consoles. "Yes Sir!" he replied efficiently, proceeding to do so. However, unknown to the Scotsman, he also managed to loop in his and Rodney's radios as well.

"John?" Carson called. "I'm back and we can talk freely. Now, what exactly were you doing at the time?" He listened with growing amusement as John described in graphic detail the events leading up to Elizabeth's sudden catatonia. (They involved a blindfold and a feather duster, from what he could make out.) "Okay, son," he said, once John had finished his explanation. "I want you to keep her warm and wait for me, alright?"

"No problem, Carson. And hurry, please…"

As he grabbed his medical kit from his desk, Beckett shook his head softly. "You do know what the effects of overstimulation on the human body are, don't you, son?" he asked as he sprinted towards the transporter.

In the Gate Room, meanwhile, Rodney and Chuck were in fits of laughter, and getting some very odd looks from the security detail.

Rule 961: If Colonel Sheppard ever tells you not to worry because he 'has a plan', run.

A. I mean it, people.

B. Run as if the hounds of hell were on your heels!

John's 'plans' had a tendency to backfire at the best of times - so much so, in fact, that Rodney really should have known better than to go along with his friend when the pilot came up with a way to steal chocolate brownies from the mess and avoid being maimed by the cooks.

Later on, in the Infirmary, Carson was trying to get to the bottom of how the pair of them had wound up with their various injuries (which included concussions, cracked bones and busted noses). However, all the Scotsman could discover was that it had something to do with a raid, chocolate brownies and flying kitchen utensils. The cooks, meanwhile, were looking rather smug, while the rest of the expedition was trying desperately to stay on their good side.

Rule 962: The seatbelts installed in the jumpers are to be used for their intended purpose.

A. That means they are to be worn correctly

B. And not used to strangle someone

C. Or tie them up


John, Rodney, Jumper One and a bitch fight were the cause of the latest rule. Although neither of the boys were saying anything, Carson managed to get some semblance of an account from Teyla and Ronon. Apparently, Rodney had been his usual snarky self and decided to pass a rather long space flight by trying to find as many different ways as was humanly possible to insult John. To start with, John played along, giving as good as he got, but eventually, even he ran out of insults to lob back at the physicist. That was when he'd had the idea to teach Rodney a lesson...

To start with, he'd simply tied the Canadian up in his co-pilot chair using the seatbelt and laughed as Rodney tried to free himself. Unfortunately, it didn't improve McKay's mood, nor did it stop the diatribe. Twenty minutes later, John snapped... and tried to strangle his friend with said seatbelt. Thankfully, Teyla and Ronon managed to intervene before things turned even uglier.

Now Rodney was in the Infirmary with a damaged larynx (meaning that he couldn't talk), John was in hiding and Carson was on the verge of beating both men around the heads repeatedly until he'd knocked some sense into them.

Rule 963: Karaoke night is now banned until further notice.

No one was sure whose idea it was to have a karaoke night, but the expedition all agreed that when Carson found who was responsible, there would indeed be a lot of blood. How a simple musical evening turned into utter chaos was still debateable, but Elizabeth reckoned that it probably had something to do with the fight Carson and Ronon got into over who was going to sing 'We Are the Champions'.

Rule 964: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to set up 'Wraith Schools'.

Some of the expedition were starting to really scare Carson and the rest of the Command Staff. When SGA-6 set up a Wraith School for Wraith children, they called in Heightmeyer. Then they went and checked the teams lockers and quarters for any illegal drugs.

Rule 965: Personnel are reminded that the Wraith are not to be told well known facts about crew members.


B. And more importantly, THEY HAPPEN TO BE OUR ENEMY!

As it turned out, when John had been held hostage by Kolya with Todd the Wraith, he'd inadvertently blurted out various facts about his friends. The rest of the Command Staff were not impressed when Todd sent Teyla a 'happy birthday' message, along with a new Wraith-bone necklace for Ronon. Even more disturbing was the fact that the Wraith made a veiled comment about how some of Rodney's food might have citrus in it.

John, meanwhile, had nicked a Jumper and fled to the mainland.

Rule 966: Crew members are not allowed to race on 'kiddie scooters'.

A. That includes you, Carson.

Carson wasn't often the cause of rules, but he more than made up for that fact when he, Radek, John and Rodney decided to have a race through the hallways of the city on kiddie scooters. Amazingly, neither Radek, John nor Rodney were injured. However, Carson managed to dislocate his shoulder and crack his ankle bone after crashing into Ronon. Elizabeth was seriously considering dialling the nearest uninhabited planet and fleeing.

Rule 967: I've already told you not to mess around with Karma!

A. Seriously, no.

B. Don't do it.

C. You'll regret it...

Surprisingly enough, SGA-1 weren't to blame for this rule. SGA-13 had been stuck in the city on injury-enforced down time and had gotten bored of watching movies in the rec room. So, they'd decided to play practical jokes on random personnel to help them pass the time. To begin with, there weren't any problems – until they decided to pick on the Medics. Unfortunately for them, the Medical Department weren't in the mood for jokes...

Now all of SGA-13 were back in the Infirmary, Elizabeth was at her wits end and Carson was unbelievably smug.

Rule 968: Sending Pegasus natives on snipe hunts are now prohibited.

A. It's unfair.

B. Teyla and Ronon are getting really angry...

The two alien members of SGA-1 were not happy campers. Neither was Carson. Now the three of them had formed a rather terrifying alliance and were out for blood. Mysteriously, several personnel members, including Lorne, Parrish and Cadman, were nowhere to be found...

Rule 969: The Paintball court has a rota.

A. Follow it!

John and Rodney built a paintball course out on the west pier, which proved to be a resounding success with the rest of the expedition. Ronon, in particular, was very fond of it – so much so that soon, several fights broke out about who was going to use it and when.


The paintball guns had run out of CO2 and everyone was on the verge of rebelling until Rodney had the inspired idea to 'borrow' some of the Medics' O2 supplies. While it worked fine, the Medics were not amused to find that they'd been the unfortunate victims of a ram-raid.

Rule 971: The Command Staff are reminded that they are meant to be the ones in charge.

A. That means you can't bunk off to play paintball whenever you bloody well feel like it!

Elizabeth got caught playing paintball. Carson was not amused.

Rule 972: For the love of God, do NOT let any visitors near the paintball course.

Teal'c came to visit Atlantis – just to play paintball. While the Jaffa turned out to be surprisingly good at paintball, he accidentally insulted Teyla, who enlisted Ronon's help in getting revenge. Carson nearly cried when Teal'c wound up in the Infirmary after an innocent 'sparring' session got out of hand.


Cadman and Elizabeth decided to start a Guys Vs Girls paintball war, Unfortunately, they hadn't taken into consideration the fact that most of the guys' team was comprised of the Marines, who were nut jobs at the best of times. When Carson saw the number of new patients he had, he almost broke down into tears.

Rule 974: The Jumpers were not designed to play 'skipping stones' with.

John got bored after paintball was stopped, and decided to play the popular child's game using two Jumpers, several asteroids and an 'uninhabited' ocean planet. Unfortunately, Carson happened to be fishing on said planet at the time, and was not impressed when the sky literally started falling.

Rule 975: No 3D Pacman!

Rodney built 3D Pacman. Ronon like the game a little bit too much. Chaos and casualties ensued, and Rodney was going to be an official dead man once Carson got hold of him. Ronon, meanwhile, was still trying to hide from Bella, who didn't approve of his new found love for retro Earth games.

Rule 976: If you are exploring whilst off-world, DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!

A. And yes, John, THAT MEANS YOU!

B. Bloody yank...

SGA-1 and Carson were off-world, exploring a secret facility that they had found. John's supergene activated a giant killer robot that, as it turned out, went into a near homicidal rage whenever kilts were present. This wouldn't have been a problem if it wasn't for the fact that Carson had been dared to wear his by Rodney...

Luckily, they managed to trap said killer robot in the facility and legged it back to the Gate without any injuries, but Elizabeth went berserk when she saw the state of her Head of Medicine.

Rule 977: Do not dress up as clowns.

A. You know Colonel Sheppard doesn't like them.

B. Enough!

After the kilt incident, Carson was gunning for revenge. So, he persuaded some of the Genii to dress up as clowns for John's birthday. Although Ladon found the request a little odd, he complied and soon, the normally stoic Air Force man was hiding in his room, refusing to come out. When asked what the problem was, he replied, 'Can't go outside, clowns will eat me.'

Rule 978: Do not sneak up on Military personnel.

A. It's dangerous.

B. They might hurt you.

Elizabeth decided to jump John late one evening. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten that the pilot had a habit of sleeping with his sidearm on his bedside table... Carson wasn't overly impressed when the leader of Atlantis was carried into the Infirmary by a very sheepish looking John. Luckily, he'd missed, but scared the hell out of Elizabeth.

Rule 979: Do not attempt to make your own smoking tobacco.

A. It won't end well.

A couple of the Science Department tried this when they ran out of fags. Unfortunately, they decided to use some of the tobacco plants that had been brought back by the Botanists from M8S-018 – and happened to be extremely hallucinogenic. Carson restrained them all and provided the rest of his staff with earplugs.

After all, there were only so many times a person could cope with hearing 'We All Live in a Yellow Submarine' without resorting to violence.


This time it was the Biologists' fault. (Although in their defence, it was the Anthropologists who had given them the swords in the first place.) When Dr Grimes was admitted to the Infirmary with a nasty gash across his cheek, Carson assumed that the man had simply had a fall. However, his suspicion grew as Drs Wilkins, Chauncey and Larsson soon followed, each bearing more mysterious 'cuts'. Once he found out that their injuries were sustained by an impromptu sword fight that had taken place, he lost his temper. The Biologists went into hiding as the Scotsman went looking for the Anthropologists, while the rest of the expedition settled in to watch the fur fly.

Rule 981: You cannot fly.

A. No, stop it.


SGA-9 thought that they could fly so they leapt off of one of the towers. How they managed to not kill themselves was anybody's guess, but Carson was now officially scared for their sanity.

Rule 982: Do not use the Icarus Device around Bexley.

Lorne and Parrish thought it would be amusing to see what would happen if they activated the Icarus device next to Bexley, Atlantis' resident sea serpent. On reflection, having a giant snake that could fly wasn't the best idea they'd ever had – as they soon learnt out the hard way. Once Teyla had finished beating the crap out of them for messing with her pet, Carson was waiting in the Infirmary, all ready to 'patch them up'...

Rule 983: The Were Bears are not to be given alcohol.


Were Bears plus alcohol plus the armoury equalled utter chaos and many, many injuries. Thankfully, the respective owners managed to calm their bears down before anyone got killed, but were not impressed to discover all the little teddies absolutely plastered.

Rule 984: C4 is NOT the answer to all your problems.

John was teaching his men some extremely bad habits. After yet another SGA team came back to the city looking like they'd been in a nuclear holocaust, Carson had some quiet words with the Air Force man. (That is to say, he threatened to shove a pack of John's beloved dynamite where the sun definitely did not shine.)

Rule 985: Do not attempt to build jetpacks.

Rodney built a jetpack for John. While it was a remarkable feat of engineering, he inadvertently forgot to put a fuel gauge on it, which led to the next rule...

Rule 986: Do not fly Rodney's jetpack until further notice.

John used said jetpack while skateboarding off of the Daedalus (while the ship was on the landing dock in the city). While his take-off was impressive, he hadn't realised that he had no fuel left, and plummeted into the ocean. Luckily, Carson was able to fish him out and the worst injury the Air Force man sustained was a twisted knee, but the Scotsman was not a happy camper at all and promptly banned the jetpack until further notice.

The boys were still sulking.

Rule 987: Do not build 'flying guns'.

Impressed by the workmanship and pure brilliance of the jetpack, Ronon went straight to Rodney and requested a flying gun. Rodney, who was unable to resist a challenge, promptly built him one, much to Carson and Elizabeth's horror.

Rule 988: Only Ronon is allowed to use the flying gun.

A. If you have any queries about this, go and talk to Colonel Sheppard.

John wanted a go on Ronon's new toy. However, he'd forgotten that Rodney had added a self defence mechanism to it, and soon found himself back in the Infirmary, much to Carson's dismay. Ronon, meanwhile, found the entire incident hilarious – especially the part where John had been thrown backwards by a non-lethal but powerful electrical shock.

Rule 989: All those associated with paintball MUST be supervised if they are helping to unload medical supplies.

Teyla was behind this rule, having 'accidentally' swapped the CO2 bottles with the O2 ones – for paintball, of course. Carson had to be sedated to prevent any bloodshed.

Rule 990: The owners of pets are not allowed to use said pets in order to get revenge on crew members.

A. It's unfair on the zoo.

After the alcohol episode, the owners of Were Bears were out for revenge. The Were Bears weren't best pleased either, having experienced the mother of all hangovers after their surprise binge. When Elizabeth saw the results, she posted this rule and sent all those responsible to the brig for a week.

Rule 991: Gilbert and Sullivan songs are hereby banned until further notice.

Sometimes, Carson despaired. The expedition couldn't even listen to Gilbert and Sullivan without it descending into complete madness. Apparently, the 'Pirates of Penzance' and 'The Mikado' had a strange effect on the crew members – namely, Lorne, Parrish and Zelenka wearing hockey skirts and singing 'Three Little Maids from School Are We', and John, Ronon and Rodney getting into a fight about who was the 'Pirate King'.

Rule 992: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to use personal information about other people as a means to getting what they want.

A. Honestly, Chuck, I thought better of you.

B. Don't you know that blackmail is an ugly pastime?

After hacking in to John and Carson's radio transmissions earlier in the month, Chuck and Rodney had been biding their time while they worked out the best way to use their new found knowledge. After losing the 'Pirate King' battle, as it had become known, Rodney was in the mood for some payback, and Chuck (being a fellow Canadian) was more than happy to assist.

Later on, in the mess hall, everyone was amused to hear the exploits of John and Liz in all their glorious detail, being boomed out from every available speaker. Well, everyone except John and Elizabeth, that was, who were less than thrilled to discover that their nocturnal activities were now the main talking point of everyone in the city. After getting into a fight with Chuck and Rodney, Carson intervened and locked them all in the Isolation ward to cool off. Then he destroyed the tape Chuck had created, and made it crystal clear to everyone else that the topic was now strictly off limits or else.

Oddly enough, nobody argued with him, but he'd been smiling at the time.

Rule 993: The 'Pirate King' is not the unofficial leader of Atlantis.

A. Pack it in, John, or I'm telling Elizabeth!

After the 'Atlantis Affair' debacle, John was out for vengeance. So, he used his new found power as 'Pirate King' to seal off the Jumper Bay and declare it his own personal property until further notice. Elizabeth wasn't impressed, and neither was Carson, who promptly broke into the bay, dragged out John, kicking and screaming, and sent him to compulsory sessions with Heightmeyer.

Rule 994: Jet powered roller skates are banned.

The Marines and the Scientists teamed up again to cause yet more mayhem in the city of the Ancients. This time, it involved small jet packs attached to roller skates... While they worked rather well, and were capable of impressive speeds, Carson wasn't excited by the dozen or so new patients he had to deal with. The Marines and the Scientists weren't too happy either, especially when Carson let Bexley chomp their new toys to bits.

Rule 995: Dr Beckett is not allowed to feed anything to Bexley.

Apparently, jet powered roller skates were not a good choice of diet for a ten foot long sea serpent. For the next two weeks, the expedition found they had a very cranky snake on their hands – and the Medics used up all their supplies of antacid trying to fix Bexley's indigestion.

Rule 996: Dr Beckett is not allowed to trick Hermiod into beaming people out of the Infirmary.

A. That's not very professional, Carson.

Beckett was so stressed out with the number of people in the ward that he somehow managed to bribe Hermiod into beaming them all somewhere else. Unfortunately, the Asgard got his calculations slightly wrong and ended up sending them all to the middle of the ocean on Lantea. (After all, he'd never had to beam so many people at once.)

Thankfully, everyone was fished out with no ill effects, but the rest of the Command Staff were now rather concerned for Carson's mental health.

Rule 997: Personnel are reminded that medical equipment is only to be used for its intended purposes.

The Marines decided that they wanted to try and use scalpels instead of knives. Carson found out and now all the Marines were trying their best to avoid getting injured – apparently, the Scotsman had been muttering under his breath about feeding them to Bexley...

Rule 998: Colonel Sheppard's 'How to Survive Certain Death for Dummies' class is now officially banned.

John was still sulking over the loss of his adoring students. Carson and Elizabeth, meanwhile, were too busy trying to persuade said students that they didn't have to resort to near-suicide to save the day to notice.

Rule 999: Conker matches are now prohibited until further notice.

Even a simple game of conkers turned into a near death experience for some of the expedition. To be fair, it was actually Bella's fault, seeing as she was the one who introduced the game to Ronon. It turned out that she hadn't quite explained all the rules – namely, that you were meant to hit your opponent's conker not their heads.

Rule 1000: Look after each other.

There really wasn't anymore to add, Carson thought as he added his final entry in the Infirmary Rulebook. As much as the antics of the expedition frustrated, annoyed, worried or amused him, he knew that this was probably the best piece of advice he could give any of his friends.


Well, that's it, guys! I have to say, it's been one hell of a ride. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, added it or me to their faves list, gave me suggestions or generally nagged at me to keep going. As usual, any requests for stories etc, just let me know.

Bye for now!