Sib&Div: Huzzah for the first collaboration story! This pairing is so underrated, so we decided to breathe some life into it! With a funny twist, of course. But, instead of thinking about an actual plot, we were more interested in making our MSN screens more red. Random crack-twists are to be expected.
Disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto. All the copyrights associated with Naruto belong to him. Only the ideas contained within this story are the property of the authors. No profit is being earned by the writers of this story.
Pairing: Deidara x Mitarashi Anko.
Rating: Will go up as the story progresses. You know what that means.
Summary: He had no choice but to complete his mission proficiently. There was just one minor problem: she found out his secret. It was inevitable—to him it was extortion, but to her it was diplomacy. Deidara x Anko
Lethal: made to cause death, great harm or destruction.
Liaison: the contact or connection maintained by communications between organizations in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc. Also: an illicit sexual relationship.
Written by: Sibbyna & ScarletDivinity.
Games involve risks; when you play a game you should be prepared to suffer a humiliating loss.
He was screwed.
He wasn't particularly adept at this game, nor did he have the experience. Instead, he should have listened to Sasori, who told him not to get involved, but he was just too stubborn to admit that he was actually bad at something.
Maybe it would be better to explain what Deidara had gotten himself into first.
The Akatsuki is a ruthless organization, and amongst its members are the most feared warriors of all countries. Despite their notorious, frightening reputations, one would have to wonder what they do in their leisure.
The answer could be derived from alcohol and poker. These individuals amused themselves with capricious bets, whether they were on missions or not.
The bomber was now eighteen years old, and he finally decided to test his luck against his fellow Akatsuki members in a game of poker.
Hidan leered at Deidara. They were sitting at a round table, each holding a set of cards in their hands. The tallest of them, Kisame, withdrew from his turn. Kakuzu did the same, not wanting to risk his money. This left the immortal and the bomber. Deidara had too much alcohol in his system, which was clouding his judgement, and Hidan was feeling lucky.
"What're you going to do?" the white-haired male taunted.
Deidara's lips drew into a slight scowl, his cerulean eye swiftly moving over his cards, trying to summon his clever wit. He had five cards of the same suit, which was called a Flush. Unbeknownst to him, Hidan had a similar set of cards. This meant a single card could make the difference.
Kisame grinned, revealing his gleaming jagged teeth. "We're not getting any younger here."
Kakuzu snorted. "Speak for yourself." His green glare shifted from Kisame to Deidara. "But my patience is limited."
Deidara jammed his back against the frame of the chair. He stared critically at Hidan's expression, trying to spot even the tiniest hint of insecurity. To his dismay, the chances of Hidan ever becoming insecure were about as likely as Deidara giving up his art.
"Fuck," he cursed. "There's no way you're bluffing."
Hidan laughed out loud. "You can still withdraw, y'know. There's no shame in that...pussy." The lavender-eyed man uttered the last word with condescending emphasis.
A haughty blond brow rose on Deidara's face. He was too proud and too stubborn to give Hidan the satisfaction of withdrawing. Inaudibly taking a deep breath, the blond slammed his cards on the table.
The corner of Hidan's lips gave a quirk—or a twitch. He couldn't tell the difference anymore. He lined up his cards. Deidara's highest number was a nine, and Hidan's highest number was...a ten.
The blue-eyed man let his forehead fall against the palm of his hand. "I should have known."
"Tough fucking luck," Hidan spat. "It's not that bad, you are a blond after all."
Kisame and Kakuzu shook their heads at the youngest Akatsuki. They were both experienced enough to know when Hidan wasn't bluffing. Kakuzu asked, "Are you going to make a bet out of this?"
"We've run out of good bets," Kisame interjected, folding his massive arms over his chest.
Hidan's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "And pass up an opportunity to make pretty boy suffer?" Suddenly it hit him. "Pretty boy..."
Deidara flinched almost instantly. "Don't even go there," he warned on a much sinister tone.
"Fuck, that's it! He could pass for a girl, right?" continued the immortal.
The zealous immortal sitting at his right nodded.
Kisame was puzzled. "What are you getting at?"
"Damn, you're slow," Hidan slurred after draining another glass of alcohol. "Which village is known for its hot springs?"
"Konoha," Kakuzu answered swiftly.
Hidan expanded, "And what is Konoha also known for?"
"Its library?" Kisame asked, finally realizing what Hidan was implying. "Wait, are you saying Deidara should retrieve our files from Konoha's archives? That's a boring bet."
The white-haired man rolled his eyes. "No, moron. That's the mission, but the bet is this: Deidara goes to Konoha disguised as a woman. He has to score a girl in three months."
Kakuzu wasn't impressed. "Pein won't approve."
Deidara immediately sided with Kakuzu. "Exactly, so forget it."
That's when Hidan's grin widened. "You know the rules, blondie."
Kisame's beady eyes locked on Deidara as well. "What if he loses the bet?"
"He has to praise Itachi," Hidan supplied. "Acknowledging that the Sharingan is better than his art."
It was a pity Deidara didn't have anything in his mouth, because he would've spit it in Hidan's face out of shock and malice. "Are you screwing with me? No way in hell!"
"It's been decided."
Deidara shot up, placing both hands on the table to lean forward and glare directly at the smug immortal. "I refuse."
"Even if you wriggle your way out of this one, you'll still have to hear what Pein has to say. If he allows it, then you won't have a fucking choice."
Nostrils flaring, Deidara attempted to grab Hidan's collar. Hidan simply backed up against his chair just enough so he was out of Deidara's reach. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Can't be done," Hidan said, shrugging mildly. "But feel free to try, pussy."
Deidara's fingers twitched and curled; in his head he envisioned himself strangling the white-haired immortal sitting across from him. Hidan looked all-too smug at that moment, with his arms crossed over his chest as he tipped his chair back, subconsciously balancing on the two rear legs. The blond's eye visibly twitched, his jaw set.
Reluctantly, the bomber stood to his full height, his chin inclined upward as his lips quirked into a chilling smile. He wasn't going to let go of his pride just yet. "Then we'll see what Pein has to say about this."
Hidan snapped his chin upward, his gaze locked onto Deidara's cerulean glare. "Better get going then, blondie. The clock's ticking." The immortal's lips curved into a grin, his white teeth gleaming. Hidan was just like a cat that had finally caught its prey—arrogant, haughty, and also sadistic.
With a snort, Deidara swiftly pivoted on his heel and graced the remaining Akatsuki with a devious smile, his teeth clenched tight. Hidan's snickers coincided with Deidara's confident swagger as he made his departure.
The blond kept his head held up high as the door slammed shut behind him, isolating him in the hallway. Once alone, Deidara's face had then smoothed and contorted, his features strained in disgust as he clenched his fists at his sides. It was as if he just sucked on a lemon and couldn't get the bitter taste off of his tongue.
Grunting, Deidara glared at the door behind him before treading down the hallway, musing over his available options. That is, if Pein allows him to go through with this bet, which he most certainly won't...Deidara hoped.
The bomber framed his chin with both his thumb and index finger, contemplating. He would soon have to think of some sort of revenge for the white-haired immortal—a bet that topped off all of the others, and something that would smack that damn smile off of his face.
A smirk curved the corners of Deidara's mouth as he schemed. The possibilities were endless.
The bomber continued to plot as he made his way towards Pein's office, his footing clumsy and his throat parched. He should have taken another swig of alcohol while he had the chance, much to his dismay. He would need it now that the doors to the office were in sight, though he refused to turn around to get another glass.
Once at the appropriate entrance, Deidara halted and frowned, glaring at the wall. He inhaled and rapped on the door twice, the sound barely audible to his own ears.
Pein's voice promptly responded. "Enter."
Deidara exhaled, proceeding to grab the metallic knob before swinging the door open. His pupils dilated in the minimal light as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. The candle on Pein's desk flickered as the bomber approached, his eyes narrowed in distaste as he perched his hands on his hips.
Pein didn't look up to meet Deidara's gaze. He didn't speak, either. Deidara had never experienced a silence so tense before.
With a grunt, Deidara supplied, "I made a bet and lost. Hidan has a proposal."
Pein didn't sound surprised when he answered, "If it's not worth my time, leave. If it is, then you may proceed."
"Konoha has valuable files on Akatsuki in their archives," Deidara continued, his words unintentionally slurred together, "he wants me to infiltrate the village to get them."
"There's a catch," Pein deadpanned, the tip of his pen bleeding over the papers as he wrote. As a leader, he knew his own organization well. "What is it?"
"I have to be disguised as a woman," the bomber drawled, both his tone and posture remaining apathetic. "And I also have to score a girl in three months."
Pein stopped writing and finally met Deidara's gaze, his piercings reflecting the candlelight as his chin inclined, his features austere. The blond couldn't read what the man was thinking, but he knew what he was ultimately going to say.
The only thing that unnerved the bomber was how long it was taking Pein to reject his request.
"…Disguised as a woman, you say?" he finally replied. Deidara simply nodded, tucking his hands deep into his pockets so he wouldn't begin fumbling to relieve his stress.
Deidara was quick to say, "Let me guess, you think it's stupid, right? I'll go tell him that the bet is o—"
"I suppose you'll need to be disguised one way or another." Pein broke eye contact, his head dipping downward as he continued to write. Deidara froze.
"…Wait. You don't mean—"
"When will you be leaving?" Pein intervened. "I'd prefer to have this accomplished sooner rather than later."
The bomber's muscles locked into place, his eyes wide and his jaw slack. He was bewildered—no, he was horrified. His wits reeled as Pein's words sunk in, leaving him to stutter incoherent words until, finally, he snapped.
"Are you joking?" the blond demanded, his palms slamming onto the desk as he leaned forward, challenging Pein's authority. Silver and cyan gazes locked and narrowed, threatening the other as Deidara expanded, "This mission is absolutely pointless, why would—"
"Hidan brings up a valid point, Deidara." Pein placed the pen on his desk, his gaze holding the blond's as he laced his fingers underneath his chin. "We need those documents."
"Can't someone else go, then?" the blond argued, his fingers curling into tight fists. "I don't know where this library is! Make Itachi do it!"
"Deidara, I've made my decision. You'll leave tomorrow."
"You're dismissed," Pein disclosed, narrowing his eyes further. When Deidara didn't move, he added, "Leave."
Pein's voice deepened. "Now."
The bomber scowled, reluctantly standing to his full height as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Pein watched as Deidara spun around, his footsteps heavy as he exited the room with the abrupt slam of the office's doors.
Once in the hallway, the blond nearly tripped over the white-haired immortal, whom had his ear pressed up against the wall, his expression as smug as ever. After raising himself to his full height, Hidan towered over the angry Deidara, his teeth gleaming in a crooked smile.
"You're leaving tomorrow, huh?" The immortal snorted, his arms crossed over his chest. "Well, that leaves you with two months and twenty-nine days to get laid, Deidara-chan." Hidan purposefully emphasized the suffix added to Deidara's name, his lavender eyes glinting, daring the bomber to challenge him.
Deidara's jaw went taut. "Go ahead. Laugh."
Hidan's expression sobered a fraction. The bomber's eye was hard and unblinking, his voice stern and low. The immortal was intimidated for a second, but then another chortle bubbled up. "Damn straight I will."
Deidara marched past Hidan, into the corridor, then veered and vanished around a corner. Hidan was sure the blond held up his middle finger right before leaving. He laughed out loud again; Deidara was a sore loser.
As irony intended, it was Sasori he came across when he was on his way to his room. The puppet master was modifying his favourite puppet, Hiruko, and just so happened to be on his way out. Pale, haunting eyes met a very disgruntled cerulean gaze.
The red-haired man's lips curled into a cruel smile.
The bomber snarled, "So you've heard, hm?"
"I am truly disappointed." His words weren't earnest, and his voice was impassive.
Deidara waved a hand dismissively. "Whatever." His hand formed a fist, and he pounded it against the concrete wall. But even as angry energy filled him, he felt it leave as he remembered his humiliation of tonight. Then the embarrassment renewed his anger.
Sasori's glassy eyes narrowed. "You do realize that I am your partner, and by humiliating yourself you have indirectly humiliated me," he imparted.
At first Deidara didn't understand what Sasori was implying, but then it hit him. Literally. He was slammed into the wall he previously pounded. The air was knocked out of his lungs, and he let out a low rumble. He couldn't manage much more. He was defeated and tired. His lazy-lidded eye met Sasori's gaze, and the unspoken question hung between them.
The puppet master averted his eyes and ambled down the hall. "You were in my way."
Deidara took a deep breath and started to count to ten in his mind. He grimaced. Whoever said counting to ten was supposed to help should be punched in the face, just to see how he likes it.
Retreating in his room, the bomber shut the door with a loud bang that echoed throughout the entire Akatsuki base. They were all bastards, he thought bitterly. All of them.
Ready to collapse on his bed, he ended up pausing for an infinitesimal moment to regain his pride. He was stuck in this situation, and it was a terribly annoying situation, but he was a prodigy. An artist. Above all else, he never failed to complete his missions.
It was simple, really. All he had to do was alter his appearance, come up with an alias, seduce a random girl, and seize the files from Konoha's archives. All of this within three months.
Cynically he realized he was going to need more alcohol. With that in mind, he lowered himself on the bed and, with limbs sprawled lazily, he fell asleep.
Om nom feedback nom.
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