Disclaimer: I am not the person who created Dragnet or its affiliated characters. I am younger and, I'm sure, better looking. It's the hair.

The School Beat

By Rob Dionysus

Alhambra, a township in the great county of Los Angeles, is home to the aptly named All Souls Elementary School where children from all walks of life come to learn to become upstanding members of their community. All Souls School is a clean school, a good school, and it's my job to keep it that way. My name, like my father before me and his uncle before him is Friday, Joe Friday. I'm a Hall Monitor.

Recently, my partner was caught and disciplined for smuggling cookies out of the cafeteria and selling them on the black cookies. Apparently tooth decay means nothing to him. I understand. I only hope that the 216 other students of this fair school can understand, can understand how a seemingly decent, pure, public figure can have such a blatant disregard for dental hygiene and the law. In any case, I was to be assigned a new partner. His name was Jason Macintyre. He was being transferred from garbage pickup. I heard that the school faculty were sending me the best of the best.

March 3rd, 12:03 pm. Jason approached me in a state of dishevelment that poorly reflected the honour and integrity I've come to appreciate at All Souls School. "Hey buddy, I'm Jay Macintyre," he said with brazen smugness.

"Listen up Macintyre, I don't know how they do it from whatever slime pit you came from but up here, when you're working for the decent students of All Saints Elementary, we have protocols regarding dress code. Page 3, paragraph 2, section 38, 39, and 40.1, .2, .6,and .7, clearly state that a hall monitor have clean, cut hair, a buttoned up blazer, a washed shirt, and a straightened tie. Also, your hall monitor sash is on the wrong side. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly sir, yes sir," he said in an insubordinate tone.

"At least you're clean shaven."

"I'm seven," he said.

"Good for you son."

"You're six. I'm older than you are, son." He must of deduced that from the fact that I had my sixth birthday party a month ago. The odds of me having my seventh so soon afterwards were small enough to reasonably warrant the conclusion that I was still six. Sufficed to say that, in spite of his brazen disregard for the rules and regulations regarding dress code, he was good, he was very good. I was reassured that with my by-the-book procedures and his wisecracking, street talking attitude, we would make an unstoppable crime fighting duo. I had seen enough TV to know that.

My name is Joe Friday. This is Jason Macintyre. We're hall monitors. Crime and villainy beware.

The end?