WARNING: TOTAL CRACK TO FOLLOW. TURN AWAY IF YOU DO NOT LIKE GARRUS VAKARIAN JOKES.
The new Normandy might be a bigger ship with a slightly bigger crew but it still worked the same way all ships did. The crew had to come up with ways to occupy themselves. The rumor mill was always entertaining as the original rumor always got warped as it passed from person to person, deck to deck. Sometimes jokes and stories picked up from shore leaves would provide some entertainment but eventually everyone had heard everyone else's stories. So the crew did what they had to do to amuse themselves.
Thus the Garrus Vakarian list was born. A list partly based on true events and them obscured by the rumor mill in the form of a single PADD that was slowly circulating through the crew. The rules were simple. Either cast your vote on something on the list or add something to the list before passing it on to the next person. The one with the most votes would be presented to Garrus himself.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
The krogan laughed his ass off when he saw this on the list and put his vote for it immediately. He liked Garrus. He was alright as far as turians went and he had stood side by side with him when that Thresher Maw came at them.
However it was the walk back to the shuttle that was the most memorable thing about that trip. EDI had chosen to inform Shepard that Grunt had gotten seven mating requests and Garrus had gotten one. Watching Shepard's face fault was nothing compared to the speechless expression on the turian's face.
*Garrus knows what Tali's face looks like.
Tali couldn't help but giggle a little when she saw this on the list. A lot of the crew wondered what she looked like after all. Of course, at the same time she was blushing like crazy because, well, it was true. Garrus did know what her face looked like. In fact he knew what all of her looked like… She had the bite marks to prove it.
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
These ones got a lot of votes from a lot of the female crew. Yes they were with Cerberus but there was no denying that Garrus wasn't bad looking. Even for an alien. Even with the scarring. Maybe it was because of the scaring.
*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
When Shepard's sides stopped hurting and she could breathe again she cast her vote for this one. For some unknown reason Garrus only listened to two people on the entire ship; herself and Tali. Since Shepard was the more visible of the two, she got credit for keeping Garrus in line just enough to keep him from having heated debates with members of the crew. The argument between Jacob and Garrus over the fairness of the First Contact War showed the crew just how scary an angry turian was. Good thing he was on their side.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
She laughed. How could she not? To suggest that this particular turian was so, what was the human expression? Badass? Yes. To say that Garrus was so badass he could not only embrace eternity with her and walk away was humorous. And to say that he never called back? Maybe she should listen to the crew gossip more often. It might prove to be entertaining if this list was any indication.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
This brought a half smirk to the old merc's face. It was a simple joke but just because it was simple didn't mean it wasn't good.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
Miranda doubted they would go through the trouble of bringing him back but it was amusing to think of Death as being too afraid of him. She had been there to watch him shrug off being shot by a gunship. By rights he should be dead. Maybe that had been Death's attempt and now that Death had failed it was too scared to try again.
*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.
Joker decided that this was just spot on. Sure it made fun of a terrible time in human/turian relations but making up jokes like this really did help things not look quite so bad. That, and Joker had seen Garrus before and after the Sovereign incident. He completely agreed that facing a pissed off Garrus was not an alternative he wanted to face if there was any possible way to avoid it.
*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.
Jack laughed her ass off at this. This was so Garrus. From her interactions with him it was all or nothing. And the thought of the drug dealers just wiping their hands together and going "We've got nothing left," kept bringing on fits of laughter.
*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
Just because he had a hand in it didn't stop him from enjoying this moment of human joke making. Mordin checked the box saying this was his vote.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
Jacob chuckled at this joke. Thank goodness Garrus wasn't one of those rare turian biotics. He was intimidating enough without those extra abilities.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
This brought a smile to the aging doctor's lips. The younger people always built up idols until they were almost godlike but this was just ridiculous. Saying that the doctors were the ones that needed the anesthesia because the patient was 10 different ways of awesome was nothing but humorous.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
Error. 55 does not compute. 5=5. 5 in the possession of Garrus does not alter its value. WARNING; core processors overheating. Emergency shutdown in progress.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
Thane smiled at this. Garrus as one hell of a sniper that was for certain. The crew had been trying to get the two sharp shooters to compete to see who was better. Thane got his ability from long hard years of training. Garrus must have gotten his from some deity because all he ever saw Garrus doing was calibrating something.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
EDI pondered the implications of this statement. She knew it was a joke. Joker had told her so. However she knew that no one could count to infinity let alone do it twice. Was the fact that it was impossible that made it funny? Maybe she could ask Joker to explain it to her later.
*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.
Garrus wasn't sure if her was meant to see the list or not but he did enjoy it. It at least proved that his crew mates felt comfortable enough with him to joke about him. The one he picked was his favorite. After he cast his vote, he looked up at the ceiling and winked.
A/N: Total crackage. I just had to do it though. Chuck Norris jokes are good. Garrus Vakarian jokes are better. Too bad you'll never see the two of them in the same place. If that happened, the universe would implode due to an over concentration of sheer awesomeness.