Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon. Toei Animation does.
Summary: In which Yolei and Ken are caught in a compromising position and Ken tries to explain to Wormmon the Human Facts of Life, but only proves he is an evil genius. CRACK fic! Kenlei/Kenyako
A/N: This fic is loosely related to my other fic, C Is For Cooking, Cannibalism, and Kissing, but it can stand on its own two feet here. You don't have to read that one to enjoy this, there's just some threads hanging between the two. Also, I'm setting this four years after the series, so Ken and Yolei here are fifteen and sixteen, alright?
Starting From A To Z
Ken licked his dry lips nervously and clenched his hands in his lap, his posture stiff with tension and wondered how he was going to get out of this mess he had found himself in.
"Ken?" Wormmon asked, staring at him with wide, blues eyes. "Are you going to explain to me now? You promised you would."
Ken mulled over the possibility of hopping onto a charter jet and fleeing the country as quickly as possible. He had plenty of sponsors after all, being the genius he was in practically every field—they would be all too happy to allow him a get-away solution in return for him advertising one of their products or companies.
No, he was being unrealistic.
Besides, it was far easier and cheaper to travel internationally by using Digi-ports set up across the world.
"Ken? Am I bothering you? I could just ask DemiVeemon if you're too busy right now," Wormmon said, wringing his antennas in distress at the thought that he had unwittingly upset his partner.
"No!" Ken snapped a bit too harshly, causing Wormmon to back away startled.
"No," Ken repeated less aggressively, feeling guilty at shouting and no doubt bringing back unwanted memories of his Emperor days to the surface of his Digimon's mind. But then, he was under a lot of stress, and Wormmon's suggestion was absolutely ridiculous. Like DemiVeemon had any real idea of what that between humans was.
Then again, Davis let him watch really strange shows television. He just might know more about it than humans themselves did. Ugh, that was a disturbing notion.
"Ken," Wormmon began hesitantly, "are you sure that… are you positive Yolei's not a—"
"Yes, I'm one-hundred percent certain she's not a cannibal," Ken managed to grit out through his teeth.
Wormmon had been suspecting of his girlfriend of cannibalism for four years now, even when Ken had explained that two humans locking lips together meant something deeper than a fight to the death where the victor ate his opponent at the end. Digimon had a hard time grasping some concepts of human behavior.
"But she…" Wormmon paused looking confused as he thought back on what he had seen. "But she was all over you and she had peeled your skin off—"
"It's not skin, Wormmon. For the last time, clothes are not a part of the human body!" Ken stated, raising his voice as loudly as he dared and feeling like flames were engulfing the sides of his face. "We can change out of them whenever we like!"
All too late, Ken realized that last part could have been phrased better and Wormmon still didn't look mollified.
"But I still don't understand. Do you humans do that sort of thing often?"
Ken wished a warp-hole would open in the floor beneath him—he would let himself fall in it without protest. This was by far the most humiliating conversation he had ever had ever had in his life and he hadn't thought anything could possibly be more worse than getting a sound chewing out by both his and Yolei's parents the night before.
"Ken?" Wormmon said, looking imploringly at him.
Ken's head reeled dizzily. How had this all started anyway? Oh yes…
It was the weekend and Yolei had come over to the Ichijouji residence. They were supposed to be studying for their schools' upcoming week of torturous exams. Even if they both went to different schools, the subject material was rather similar, especially since the two of them were in honors courses. Actually, they had managed to study fairly well until they got to science.
"So what course your school has you taking this semester?" Yolei asked, picking up his textbook and eyeing the cover. "Ugh, physics. I had that last semester. Our teacher was a total doofus, always cracking jokes in class like: two atoms were walking down the street and one says, 'Oh my god, I lost an electron!' and the other says, 'Are you sure?' and the first electron says, 'I'm positive!'"
Ken found himself laughing despite the corny joke and Yolei sighed contently, placing her head in his lap.
"You should laugh more often, Ken. You have a really beautiful laugh," Yolei smiled.
Ken's fingers had somehow entangled themselves in her hair as he stroked the fine, lavender strands tenderly. There was no noise in the living room except for the crinkling of scattered notes across the floor and the steady ticking of the clock on the wall. The silence stretched over them like a warm, cozy blanket, dulling their senses.
"Hey, Ken, where are your parents and Wormmon?" Yolei murmured drowsily against him.
"Hmm? Oh, they went out to dinner—it's their anniversary. And Wormmon's staying over at Davis' for the night," Ken replied, neglecting to tell her that he had purposefully made sure Wormmon would not be present when she visited lest he attack her again for being a 'cannibal'.
"Oh, so we're here… alone?" came Yolei's voice after several long seconds and there was a sudden, huskier pitch to her usual tone.
Warning bells tolled in Ken's head but all he could do was sit there numbly in frozen shock as the girl lifted her head off his lap and leveled him with a look of her pair of big, brown eyes that seemed to pierce right through him.
Then she shifted her weight so that she was sitting in his lap… and her arms were slowly reaching for around his neck.
"Study!" Ken blurted out in a horribly panicked voice. "We have to study!"
"We are studying, silly," Yolei said chuckling softly as she whispered into his left ear, "you're teaching me chemistry."
Ken's feeble protest was swallowed up in a searing kiss that made his colors explode behind his eyes and unbidden, as if they were being pulled by strings, his arms had settled to wrap around her waist. His mind felt like it was drifting through a haze of fog and he was only dimly aware of his own hand sliding under Yolei's shirt, traveling up the quivering muscles of her stomach… and the sharp intake of breath from the girl as she gasped into their kiss as his fingertips reached a certain female undergarment.
Ken crashed back into reality with a jolt as the full implications of what he had just done, what he had been about to do, jarred his nerves awake.
Yolei gave a startled yelp as he leaped up and threw her in a rather undignified heap on the floor, stuttered his apologies, his face flaming red and tried to make an escape from his own home.
He was caught half-way to the door by a tackle around his middle that had him sprawling out face-first in the hallway unable to get up by a heavy weight on his back and his girlfriend's enraged voice shrieking above his head.
"YOU ARE SO NOT GETTING AWAY AFTER THAT!"
"I'm sorry!" Ken exclaimed, flailing like a worm on a hook. "I won't do it again! I promise!"
"Idiot!" Yolei shouted, turning him over and shaking him by the front of his shirt. "I'll be the judge of what I want you to do to me, not you! Did I say you could stop?!"
Ken, who was in the midst of proclaiming that he would join the priesthood and absolve all his sins, stopped his rant, blinked at her quite astonished and said, "Eh?"
"What about you, Ken?" Yolei inquired softly, fingering his top collar button, "Do you want me to stop?"
Ken shook his head in a dazed fashion, his breath hitching as her hands slowly undid one button after the other and trailed a finger down his chest teasingly. Then she bent down and captured his lips with her own as her prize and Ken discovered losing a battle wasn't a bad experience after all.
In hindsight, Ken knew that they really should have thought through their making-out session better than doing it in the hallway of his complex, but if anyone had asked him a simple question at that moment, he didn't think he could have answered anything coherently except that he definitely understood that one plus one equaled two and it was a truly wonderful number.
What was not wonderful, was the time eluding them and the sound of the key turning in the lock as his parents stepped through the door with a cheery cry of, "Oh, Ken dear, we stopped by your friend, Davis' and picked up Wormmon—AH, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
That and Wormmon's crowing war-cry of "CANNIBAL!!!"
The next three hours that followed would forever go down in Ken's memory as being the single most embarrassing and humiliating ordeal of his life. It consisted of his parents lecturing him on the "young blood of youth" and how "not to listen to passionate emotion" and "did you at least use protection?", at which point Ken felt it prudent to point out that they hadn't been completely bare when they were interrupted and to please give him a little class as to not be so uncivilized to deflower his girlfriend on the floor.
He couldn't have chosen a worse time to say that as his mother happened to be on the phone with Yolei's family then and he distinctly heard her brother's aghast, "DEFLOWERED?! YOU'RE DEAD, ICHIJOUJI!!!" on the other end of the line and felt a storm of sweat break across his brow as visions of how exactly he would meet his demise flashed before his eyes.
Yolei didn't help things by grabbing the phone and shouting into the receiver that, "HEY, I WAS ALL OVER HIM, OKAY?! HE WAS THE ONE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!!!"
Ken decided it was best to accept his life was over and try and stop Wormmon from Sticky Net-ing Yolei into a wrapped mummy.
He and Yolei had been banned from seeing each other and both been grounded inevitably until their parents decided to lift their punishment, which would be whenever their shock lifted. (At least they still had their D-Terminals to communicate. Their computers and cell phones had been taken away). Ken had received numerous death threats from Yolei's brother ever since in full explicit detail of what should occur if he even looked at his little sister again and they both had been given a good ribbing by the other Digidestined, and Ken hadn't thought he could ever feel so embarrassed over anything ever again.
That was until Wormmon asked him what it was exactly that he and Yolei had been doing that had made all the humans so flustered.
How do you explain the concept of the human facts of life to Digimon, whose example of birth and rebirth consisted of data being reconfigured into an egg at Primary Village?
The worse part was knowing that if he didn't give a satisfactory answer, Wormmon would continue to insist that Yolei was a cannibal.
Yes, Ken was in a very tight dilemma.
But they didn't call Ken a genius for nothing.
"You see, Wormmon, it's like this," he began, "when two humans love each other very much, they try and merge to a higher level and become one."
Wormmon stared wide-eyed at his partner slack-jawed and for one heart-pounding moment, Ken was afraid the Digimon hadn't bought into it. Then…
"Oh, I see, Ken!" Wormmon cried happily, his eyes lighting up. "You and Yolei were trying to DNA Digivolve!"
"Yes, Wormmon, exactly that," Ken said, leaning back in his chair, feeling very smug and choking down a hysterical, triumphant cackle. "Now will you stop slandering Yolei as a cannibal, please?"
"Oh, of course, Ken! I'm sorry. I just hadn't realized humans could DNA Digivolve too." Wormmon said. "I think I'll call Yolei and apologize now!"
Ken waited until Wormmon had left his room, then sent a hasty message to his girlfriend via D-Terminal of his diabolical brain-washing and hoped that no one else but her picked up the phone to hear of the ludicrous tall-tale he had spun.
A/N: Hehehe, why is it that these Kenlei fics are so addictive? I wrote this all in one sitting. It was fun! Wormmon amuses me so! So yeah, there you go? Isn't Ken just so… cool like that? XD
The title? It's a phrase from a song I based this fic around. "The Birds and the Bees" by Jewel Akens (1965). Listen to it. It has several lines that seem to parallel some points here like Yolei's "big, brown eyes". It was inspiring to say the least!
So, I would love if you shared your favorite scenes or lines. They would make my day and reviews are the only payment a fanfic writer receives so reward them well! Thank you! I hope it brought a smile to your face!