I don't own Harry Potter. The idea from this came from watching invader Zim where a psycho kid asked for the batteries and a chick who looked like tonks said '50th floor'. Seriously, from that hatched some insanity i couldn't pass up.
Enjoy :) I know i had fun writing it.
Tonks' gum popped over her dark purple lips and she wanted to cry of sheer boredom.
The day had started out alright; she was sent to an inconspicuous electronics store in the middle of town where she was to wait until precisely half-past noon when her informant would meet her there, wearing a fedora and trench coat. Kingsley had given her the assignment especially; she had to meet someone with a lead on Sirius Black. She had given Kingsley an odd look when he told her that, but Kingsley had defended the idea by saying that it would keep up appearances. Either way, Tonks had ended up going along with it. How many people in fedoras would be venturing by Bors' electronics shop, anyhow?
Tonks was enjoying her disguise even if she hated the reason in which she was wearing it. She was every mother's nightmare; spiked up blue hair, dark purple lipstick, her eyes were orange, and false piercings littered her features. She had a spiked choker around her neck and her eyes were outlined with think onyx makeup. The rest of her was sheathed in black fishnet and stick-on tattoos.f
She was perfecting the art of leaning, bored, against the counter when the door dings. She looked up
A tall, thin man wearing a beige trench coat with his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders hunched walks through the door. The coat is just a little too short in the arms and in length. His arms are covered with slightly darker freckles. He takes a hand out of one of his pockets and fusses with the sleeve. Then he reaches up and adjusts his hat. He's wearing large, dark sunglasses and a fedora pulled down to his nose. There's a bit of fiery red hair sticking out.
The man clears his throat nervously as he approaches the cashier desk with his head down and his fingers pulling on the rim of his hat. When he speaks, the voice is obviously falsely deepened, meant to be indistinguishable. "Excuse me miss," the man mumbles, "but would you kindly point me out to the battery section, please?"
Tonks' gum snaps and her smile reaches wicked proportions. "Mr. Weasley? Is that you?" She leans forward on the counter and reaches up, pulling on the lenses of the glasses until she can see the man's eyes. She sees his bright red eyebrows and laughs.
The man quickly draws back, pulling nervously at his coat and hat once more after righting his glasses. He clears his throat again, his head swiveling from side to side. Tonks wants to laugh at how incredibly pathetic he's acting. "I do not know of whom you speak," he denies, "I am Mr. Fred...rick...son?" He speaks again, this time in a higher falsetto, caked with some sort of extremely false accent--somewhere between French and Italian but achieving neither.
Tonks laughs at him. "I'm pretty sure that Fredrick's your son, Arthur. Your accent's getting better, though. Been practicing?" Tonks' Orange eyes sparkle today and she reaches up and messes the fedora on his balding head. "I like your hat. It brings the whole outfit together"
Arthur Weasley, incognito, releases a strangled sound from his throat. "I need you to tell me where the batteries--" Arthur whines then and rips the glasses from his face. "Dammit, Tonks!!" His face pulls into a pout that no grown man with even a shred of dignity would be able to pull off. "I just want the batteries. Molly took them away again."
Tonks bites at her lip and leans back, grinning. "What'd you do this time?" Molly always hated his battery obsession but even she wouldn't take them away without a reason. And as Arthur was the father of the infamous Weasley Twins...well, to simply say it, the twins didn't get their mischievous streak from their mother.
Arthur's mouth gaped open--"I didn't...I mean..." His eyes drooped, saddened. "Please Tonks? I just want a few batteries."
Tonks shook her head with a grin. "This is why you'd never make it as an Auror, Arthur." She picked at the fishnet shirt covering her arms and the irritating false tattoo that she hadn't put on herself. Tonks tilted her head as she regarded her Order colleague and blew away a shot of cobalt hair from her eyes.
"Tell you what; since i sort of work here for the next"--She looked down at her chunky digital watch (borrowed from her father)--"fifteen minutes, i suppose i should tell you about our deals." Tonks held up a package of small batteries and rolled her eyes, her lips quirking impishly. If she had to work undercover to wait for a lead, she'd at least take advantage of the small fortunes the job pushed at her. And Arthur Weasley was predictable. "We're having a sale on our torch batteries; buy ten, get one free." There were no deals.
Arthur's eyes lit up. "I'll take it!" He reached forward to where she held a small plastic bag and frowned when she pulled it away from him. "T-o-onks," the man whined. Tonks had to try to hold back her snort.
"I'm sorry, but i can see that deal isn't for you." She stowed the bag of batteries--she technically wasn't able to sell anything here. She shook her finger at him and dug through her shoulder bag. "You, sir, i can see have a great eye for value. It's a talent, am I right?"
Arthur smiled and puffed out his chest. "I like to think so."
Tonks nodded. "That's what I thought--Aha!" She pulled from her bag a large muggle battery that she'd tied on a shoelace and held in her other hand a broken wire. She swung the battery in front of him. "This, my good sir, is a 9-volt battery. Notice how the...sticky-outey-things...are…both on the same…end. Side?" The bright orange shoelace held none of his attention; at least not with something as fascinating as a 9-volt battery hanging on the end.
TOnks was incredibly grateful that she wasn't a salesperson because only Arthur would fall for it.
She smirked. Like taking candy from a baby, only much more amusing.
Arthur Weasley looked as if he was confused. "Won't i get more if i go with the other offer, though?"
"Aha, like I said, an eye for value." She'd found the battery in Sirius' basement. What it was doing there she had no idea, though. Tonks held out her other hand, dangling the severed electrical cord. "This, my friend, is an American vacuum plug. Yours free with the purchase of this beauty." The battery tottered back and forth, back and forth, and it reflected in his eye.
He was giddy. However, he tried to hide it, and anyone other than an Auror mightn't have caught the adrenaline-pumped shaking of his hands. "That's quite a bargain you pose, miss."
She quirked an eyebrow. "I'd call it almost a steal, good sir." The broken electrical cord was beginning to break into the skin on her finger. "All this is yours—for only two galleons and seventeen sickles."
Mr. Weasley looked appalled. "That's...Tonks!"
The man needed to stop whining. "Mr. Weasley--or Fredrickson, if you prefer--I assure you," she pushed his fedora back towards him and placed the glasses back on his face, "this is the best deal you can get. I'll even throw in a watch battery. Straight from this very watch." Her wrist twisted in front of his nose as she nodded encouragingly. "So, what do you say?"
Hardly a minute later, Tonks was leaning back on the counter with her gum smacking between her teeth, looking very much the exact image as she had when Arthur Weasley had walked in. The difference, however, was the smirk on her dark purple lips that showed she was enjoying her rendezvous much more than she had before and the coins that lined her pocket. She waved at the man's retreating figure, once again donned with that pesky fedora and dark glasses, his hands stuffed back into the deep pockets. She laughed as she saw him pull at the rim of the hat through the window, nodding absent-mindedly to another tall man wearing a similar ensemble just as he disappeared from view.
The bell above the door dinged again and Tonks nearly choked as the man wearing the beige trench and fedora that had just passed Arthur pushed his way in, looking as nervous as it's most recent visitor. This man was extremely pale, lipless, and had no nose to speak of to hold up dark glasses. He fumbled nervously with some sort of remote in his hand as he pulled the fedora to cover his red eyes. His other hand held a remote-controlled racecar, coloured bright red and decked out in flames.
The man's voice was high and hissing and anyone else might have wondered if he was faking it as Arthur had. "I need batteries, unworthy muggle. Get them for me and face my wrath."
She leaned forward to verify her suspicions. Yup, Voldemort. Batteries or face the wrath of voldemort hugging his plastic racecar with extreme possession. And This was he-who-they-all-feared-so-much.
"Don't you mean or?"
The man's face curled in distaste. "What do you mean? What did I say?"
Tonks' short chipped black nails pulled at her brightly coloured gum. "And. You said and. Shouldn't you have said or? 'Get them for me or face my wrath'?"
Voldemort thought about it a moment. "…No?" it came out as a question.
"The right answer," Tonks said slowly in an overly sweet voice, "is yes. Yes ma'am, actually. You wouldn't want me to keep the batteries from your racecar, would you?"
The Dark Lord slammed his fist down on the counter. "Are you threatening me, muggle? I have more power than you could even imagine; I could make even your worst nightmares shake in their boots."
Tonks smirked. "My nightmares don't wear boots. They wear scuba-flippers." Scuba-flippers really could be quite terrifying.
Voldemort's eye twitched. "Get me the bloody batteries, human!"
She shook her head. "Now, that wasn't very polite. I think you should use your manners and ask again later." She flipped the page of a magazine, her gum smacking loudly in her mouth. She heard Voldemort give a groan and she smiled in triumph.
"If you think I'm going to give in to a foolish little girl like you then you're—"
Tonks held up the string without taking her eyes off the magazine. "Batteries, Mister Riddle." Upping the ante.
"How did you know my—"
Tonks pulled the string back. "Fine, if you don't want them then—"
"Fine!" Voldemort hugged his racecar against his chest even tighter. "I'd like to buy the batteries, ma'am." His throat sounded strangled, as if he was dying as he said the words. His red eyes twitched.
All hail the Dark Lord.
Tonks exercised her poker-face, because this gig was getting better and better as the day went. She reached beneath the counter and pulled out yet another battery on a string. "Would you like to hear our limited-time offers? One day only..."