Title: That's What She Said
Fandom: The Hollows
Character: Rachel, Ivy, Jenks, Rachel/Ivy
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: Ivy and Jenks try to teach Rachel how to use "That's what she said" properly.
Ivy's lips curved up in amusement.
"It's really not that complicated, Rachel," she drawled, her eyes momentarily cutting over to share an amused look with Jenks before she focused on me again. "I don't even see why you're interested."
I sighed deeply, making sure that my displeasure was known.
"I just want to know, okay?" I muttered peevishly.
"But why?" Ivy asked, accentuating the word 'why' in a way that made Jenks smirk and flutter sparkly dust all over the table.
When looked over at her the expression on her face was neutral on the cusp of bored, but her lovely cinnamon eyes were dancing happily and I knew she was enjoying playing with me.
"Why can't you just answer the question?" I inquired crossly.
"I could ask you the same question," Ivy murmured. "In fact I will." She smiled. "Why can't you just answer the question?"
Jenks snickered beside her and the two of them exchanged another delightfully entertained look before their eyes landed on me again.
I sighed deeply.
"Al keeps saying it when I'm in the Ever-After," I began morosely. "I'll say something completely normal and he'll smile and say 'that's what she said' before laughing hysterically at me. I don't get it."
Ivy bit down on her bottom lip when I finished speaking and I knew she was trying to stop herself from laughing.
"Give me an example," she said a moment later, her voice strained with the effort of containing her laughter.
I released a huffy breath and crossed my arms over my chest.
"Fine," I breathed out. "The last time I was there we were mixing a spell and Al needed another cauldron so he asked me to pass it to him. The thing was the only clean one that was left was a really old one that was heavy and awkward, so I said 'But Al, it's so big. I don't think I can handle it,' and he said …"
I stopped talking as I noticed Ivy's body begin to shake and her eyes begin to water. She was chewing on the inside of her cheek, and her face flushed slightly red with the effort of clamping down on the laughter bubbling up inside of her. Eventually she covered her mouth with her hand, but even with the reinforcement a small snort of laughter escaped from her lips.
"Let me guess," she choked out, every word a struggle for her as her body continued to vibrate. "He said, 'That's what she said'?"
"Yes!" I exclaimed. "I know what I said! I'm the one who said it, right? So of course I know what I said, and frankly I don't see what was so funny about it. It was just too big for me and I couldn't handle it. Why would that be …?"
Ivy rested her arm on the table and then dropped her head down onto it, hiding her face as she was overcome with laughter. I sighed deeply and leaned back in my chair before turning my head to the side to see if Jenks was similarly amused. He was. He was so amused in fact that he was doubled over holding his gut like he was in pain from laughing so hard.
"You know what," I declared pushing my chair back and standing up. "Screw you. You blow."
Ivy looked up at that, her cheeks still flushed red from laughing, and blinked once.
"Well, I blow. I can't speak for Jenks," she responded in a voice that was remarkably clear considering the fact that her lips were twitching every other second as she tried to stop herself from grinning.
"Ooh," Jenks sassed. "That's what she said," he declared and then he and Ivy looked at each other again and cracked up.
I glared at them for a moment, not that they really noticed in the midst of their laughing fit, and then I began to storm out of the kitchen. Before I got more than a few steps away from the table, I felt Ivy's hand come to rest gently on my shoulder and I stopped walking.
"Don't go," Ivy said contritely. "We'll be good. We want to help. Right, Jenks?" she continued turning to look at him with a pointed expression on her face.
"Of course," Jenks responded immediately, his voice and countenance the picture of innocence. "We're here to help," he continued earnestly and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he just wanted me to sit down again so that he could mock me some more.
I sighed deeply, resigned to my fate and headed back to the table.
"Okay, I'm here," I said flinging myself back into the chair I had been seated in before. "Let's get this over with."
Jenks had stood up chivalrously as I approached the table and when I moved to sit down he had bowed gallantly and then assumed his Peter Pan pose.
Jenks cleared his throat and then began to speak in a gentlemanly protective way. "Be gentle Ivy, she's still sore from the last time."
Ivy froze for a moment after he spoke, and then she started to blink rapidly. Her body vibrated slightly and I knew that she was once again trying to clamp down on the urge to break out laughing.
"Don't worry," the vampire managed to get out a few seconds later, "I was planning on warming her up first, then slowly easing her in."
Ivy and Jenks smirked at each other after that and I knew that this was going to be an absolutely precious conversation.
"Listen," I said drawing their attention back over to me. "Forget warming me up. I haven't got all night, just give it to me now," I said staring at Ivy.
"That's what she said," Jenks cackled madly, but Ivy was looking at me keenly instead of laughing this time.
"What?" I asked irritably.
"Are you sure you need a tutorial on this?" she asked suspiciously. "For someone that claims not to understand how the joke works you're pretty good at it."
"I must be a natural talent," I replied dryly, narrowing my eyes peevishly at her. "Now, are you going to do it like you promised or am I leaving here unsatisfied?"
Ivy's dark eyes held mine for a long moment and then her lips curved up in a sensuous smile.
"Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of you, Rachel. I never leave a woman unsatisfied."
Her voice was like grey silk and it took all of my willpower not to audibly gulp.
Jenks whistled softly and then looked over at me shaking his tiny little head, an expression that was almost pitying on his handsome features.
"Rache, you have no idea what you're unleashed," he breathed out.
He sounded positively gleeful about it.
"Don't worry Jenks," I said smiling ingenuously, "we're all friends here. Even if things get heated it's not like Ivy's going to take me to the ground and have at me."
Jenks blinked at me and then turned his head to look at Ivy, his eyes widening with merriment. However when he opened his mouth to respond Ivy gave her head a little shake and he settled down.
"The rules?" I asked dragging their eyes back over to me.
Ivy straightened up in her seat and cleared her throat.
"The first thing one needs to consider when deciding if 'that's what she said' is an appropriate response to what someone said is whether or not the comment could be interpreted as sexual," Ivy related in an adorably scholarly tone.
"Okay," I said drawing the word out slowly. "So, if we were putting away the groceries and I said, 'Oh no, I think it's too big to fit' about, let's say a jar of peanut butter, you would say, 'That's what she said!'"
Ivy's lips twitched up in amusement but almost as soon as I registered it the smile was gone. With her usual deadpan expression she nodded her agreement.
"Okay, tell me more," I said rubbing my hands together eagerly. "What else should I know?"
"You should avoid using 'That's what she said' if the person who spoke was actually talking about a sexual experience," Ivy continued in the same charmingly earnest voice she'd used before.
"Yeah, that's not funny, it's just weird and makes you seem like a molester," Jenks piped up before glancing over at Ivy for confirmation.
Ivy smiled a little at his phrasing but inclined her head in agreement.
"Time frame is also important," Ivy stated when my eyes landed on her again. "You have to be prompt with 'That's what she said'. If you wait too long to respond not only is it not funny but it makes you look stupid. If you realize the comment sounds dirty within, say five seconds, you're golden. Knock it out of the ball park. If it takes you longer than that just give up on that one and pay closer attention so that you can go for it the next time."
"Wow," I exhaled breathily. "That's a lot to take in at one time."
"That's what she said," Jenks replied shooting a finger gun at me.
"I'm just so new at this. I think it's going to take a while before it feels natural, but with a little work I'm sure I'll figure out how to do it just right," I murmured thoughtfully.
"That's what she said!" Jenks cackled.
"Ivy," I said turning to face the vampire. "I know you've had a lot of practice. I hope you'll stay on top of me and continue to show me how to do it."
Ivy rubbed her bottom lip slowly with the index finger of her right hand as she held my eyes unwaveringly.
"That's …" Jenks began.
"Don't," Ivy murmured to him though her eyes stayed on me.
"…what she said," Jenks continued either not hearing Ivy or ignoring her. Knowing him it was probably the latter though.
"Don't worry, Ivy. It's not Jenks' fault he can't hold out. Sometimes it's just hard for men to wait for the right moment and they let it go prematurely."
"Don't," Ivy murmured again but Jenks was already speaking.
"That's what she sa … hey!" Jenks exclaimed. He looked at me and his eyes narrowed in the same suspicious way that Ivy's had minutes before and I knew that he had finally caught up. "What the …?!?!" he began taking off into the air, showering Ivy and in angry red pixie dust.
"She played us, Jenks," Ivy drawled tilting her head up to watch him as he zoomed around.
Ivy had been onto me for quite some time, but I didn't mind that. She wasn't my target after all, and her comments had been much more fun once she was in on it.
"Is there something wrong with that?" I asked in too-innocent tone, obviously teasing now. "I thought you liked it when I played with you, Ivy? We always have so much fun."
Ivy smiled slowly, her lips curving up enough this time that I could see the sharp points of her fangs and when her eyes met mine there was barely any brown left in them.
"That's because I'm a true fan of the game," she purred. "I give it all I've got, I never slow down, and I play to win."
I licked my lips as I held Ivy's eyes and finally allowed a sumptuous smile to touch my lips.
"Oh, I know," I murmured. "Sometimes it's all I can do to keep up with you. I always end up exhausted and absolutely drenched when you're done with me."
Multi-coloured pixie dust began to rain down on us, and when I looked up I saw that Jenks had his hands clamped over his ears and was shaking his head from side to side like a kindergartener who'd just had his "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" DVD taken away.
"Ugh, I can't take anymore!" Jenks declared ripping his hands away from his ears and taking off higher up into the air. "It's just too much."
I turned my head to the side and met Ivy's eyes. She smirked at me and I smirked back and then we both turned to Jenks.
"That's what she said," we declared simultaneously.
Jenks adopted his Peter Pan pose again, and stared at Ivy and I huffily like a father who had just walked in on his daughter making out on the couch in her bra with a long-haired, tattooed youth with sin in his eyes.
"Goodnight," he pronounced narrowing his eyes at us for good measure, and then he took off towards the door and his stump.
Once he was gone, Ivy pushed her chair out from behind the table and then inched it towards mine until she was able to reach out and wrap her hands around my waist. When she was certain she had a firm hold on me, she then flexed her muscles slightly and picked me up off of the chair and deposited me in her lap.
I smiled happily and lifted my hands to her face, cupping it tenderly before I lowered my lips to hers.
"Mischievous little monkey," Ivy murmured when I pulled back from her lips. "What provoked that devious assault?"
"I might not have pixie ears, or even vampire ears, but I do have ears," I said looking down at Ivy. "I heard you and Jenks in here earlier and how he was going on about slow on the uptake I can be. When I walked into the room and you were making 'that's what she said' jokes, I figured I'd show Jenks that everyone is a little slow sometimes."
Ivy laughed softly and leaned forward, placing a feathery light kiss on my neck.
"Were you trying to punish me too?" she asked, kissing the pale skin again before nuzzling her face into me.
"No," I breathed out tilting my head back to give her better access. "I knew you'd figure it out. You're aggravatingly astute," I murmured as I sank my fingers into her dark hair and began to rub her scalp as her kisses became more focused and heated.
Ivy breathed in deeply and moaned softly.
"My keen intellect is picking up on something now," Ivy drawled pulling back from my skin so that she could see my face.
Her eyes were hooded in a way that made her look almost sleepy, but I knew the fire that lay behind that heavy-eyed expression and when her nostrils flared a second later I knew exactly what her 'keen intellect' was telling her about me.
"Don't be a tease, Ivy. You know how I hate it when you keep me waiting," I breathed out playfully.
Ivy purred in full at that.
"Don't worry, I know exactly what you want," Ivy rasped as she gazed up at me with jet black eyes. "I promise I'll give it to you, just the way you like."
A split second later I found myself in her cradled easily in her arms as she walked brusquely towards the hallway that led to our bedrooms.
"That's what she said," I murmured happily eagerly anticipating the moment I couldn't say it anymore because her comments were no longer innuendo.