Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Well, since the title/summary didn't tell you what insanity I've created this time, you'll just have to read to find out! Warning: this is slightly crackish. Slightly. With innuendos. Just some random ones, placed in there for humor that don't really amount to anything. I could NEVER write a dreaded lemon... *shiver* Anyway, like I said, this is probably one of the most cracked-up crackfics I've come up with, so bear with it.

Link, the hopeless Hylian hero, was happy.

Why? Because Link the happy hopeless Hylian hero was hawesome. No, wait. Awesome didn't start with an h. Dammit.

...But he was still awesome!!!

Again, why?!

Link the happy hopeless Hylian hero was awesome, amazing, astounding, and just plain cool becaauseeeeee....

He had just beat his way through fifty floors of monster after monster after endless monster in that horrible Cave of Ordeals, without any help!!! So he was doing a victory dance on top of the Gerudo Mesa, which scarred the nearby Peahat, which burst into flames, and sang this fact out to the world if anyone was still alive to hear him.

Midna, the mad mean malicious miffed tiny temperamental (okay, I'll stop...) Twili jumped out from Link's shadow and slapped him. "LIAR!" she shrieked, "You wouldn't have gotten past the Bulbin at the entrance if it wasn't for me!"

Which was true, seeing as she had lifted the bridge off the entrance, but Link did not care, or remember. Link tried to slap Midna back, but failed, and shrieked, "YOU'RE the liar! You only helped me out later!"

This was also true. Midna only helped when Link faced off against Poes or Ghoul Rats, and the occasional ReDead or Stalfos or Darknut.

But that didn't matter. Because the two were shrieking and arguing on top of the Mesa in the dead of night, and did not stop until around noon the next day.

In fact, it only stopped because Link remembered that he needed healing from his challenge in the Cave of Ordeals, and also because he wanted to see all the nice pink fairies fly around the springs waiting to heal him and maybe talk to the pretty Great Fairy with the big--"

Midna, who seemed to read his mind, hit him over the head. "No perverted thoughts about higher beings."

Link hung his head, sagging. "Yes, Midna..."

He looked at her instead.

Midna slapped him.

Link cried.

Midna screamed in irritation and warped him to his Goddess-damn spring.

Link looked around at the Ordon Spring with disappointment. "Hey! I wanted to go to the Lanayru Spring!" he whined.

Midna smacked his head. "Just for that, I'm not turning you back into a human!"

"Aw Midnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" Link whined.

"Shut up and get your damn fairy!"

"Fine," he grumbled. He walked into a fairy, which healed him. Then another fairy flew towards him. He backed away. "No. Stupid fairy. I don't need anymore healing."

It kept flying toward him. "Damn, but these things are stupid!" he grumbled, walking to the other side of the spring. "I don't want to be healed anymore! Can't it just leave me alone? What an annoying pink ball of--"

The pink fairy kept flying towards him, slowly slowly, inching forward with every beat of its wings, which were now strangely robotically rhythmic, the small tinkling sound like a heartbeat as well.

Forth-back, forth-back, forth-back went the wings. The fairy flew towards him.

Link raised an eyebrow at the weird little fairy and walked to the entrance of the Spring, sitting next to the destroyed gate.


"AAAAAAAAA!!!!" Link yelled, running away as fast as his four paws would carrying him. "STALKER FAIRY! STALKER FAIRY! STALKER FAAIIIRRRYYY!!!!"

He hid behind a rock on the path to the Village deep within the woods. The fairy followed him, with the slow march of the invincible, out of the Spring and down the path. How it could have followed him when he bolted out of the Spring, he didn't know. But this was disturbing. Just how far was the fairy going to follow him?

Link ran towards his house. He hid behind it, and after watching for several hours with no sign of the evil little ball of pink, he relaxed. Apparently they could be defeated, and all he had to do was run away!

Link sighed in contentment. He had enough excitement for one day, but it was nothing a night in his own bed after a couple of months on the move couldn't fix.

Link's dreams were nice and happy and involved catching fish and being right about stuff and generally one-upping Midna at everything she did, and there was even a nice part when she and the Great Fairy and Zelda all fought over who had the best body and who deserved to be his, and that part of the dream sequence ending with all three of them charging, indecently, at him, demanding his opinions to settle the matter once and for all.

Then they vanished in a blinding pink light that tinkled. In a robotic rhythm.

Link's heartbeat fell in time with the tinkle as he slowly was forced away from his happy horrible hopeless dreams into the terribly tortuous wicked world of the waking.

"Soo..." a tinkling, high-pitched, evil voice said, "Your shadow-friend hinted to us that you have bad thoughts about our Queen?"

There on his nose, wielding what looked unpleasantly like one of Link's Bomb Arrows, sat the pink fairy.


Yeah, I'm surprised at me, too.

This is based on something that actually happened to me. I warped to the Ordon Spring, and a fairy tried to heal me, so I ran away from it. It followed me, so I ran further. It still followed me, so I was amused for ten minutes while it followed me down the path to the Ordon Village, coming straight at me really slowly. It was a little weird, but mostly funny, especially how slow they fly like that, as opposed to how they fly when they are just at the Springs. I tried to do it again, but it might have been a glitch for all I know.

Anyway, what do you think? I know this wasn't the best writing I've ever done, but if I ever get really bugged by it I'll fix it up.