I didn't think I'd write something again so soon, especially when I'm swamped with work right now, but I just feel inspired I suppose. This takes place in the same setting as Vacation with Derek. Enjoy, R&R s'il vous plait. :]
"When did you know?" her question was quiet, laden with not quite regret but a sadness and a knowing. I was catching my breath, my chest thundering and hands shaking. I could still feel the pressure from her soft lips on mine, I could feel her small tongue caressing mine over and over in my mind, and traces of her smell lingered on the collar of my shirt.
I could hear her breathing. It was erratic and irregular. She was constantly running her hands through her shoulder length hair, and I didn't want to distance myself from the warmth that radiated from her body. The warmth that was rapidly declining as the seconds passed.
I refused to look at her, but I could see her evading eyes in the periphery of my vision. Neither of us quite understood what happened just a few moments ago. I couldn't understand why I lost control, and I was sure that she was struggling to understand as well.
Looking out at the trail of light on the water casted by the moon, I sighed heavily. I could feel invisible walls falling down around me and crashing in my head, and I closed my eyes at the feeling. I felt indescribable happiness and an incredible weight off my chest because I had finally done what I hadn't for four years. At the same time, my curiosity hadn't been sated, and my feelings hadn't evaporated, and I felt a creeping sense of dread because I knew it could never happen again.
"I couldn't say, Case. I just know it's been a while." I answered finally after a few strained and silent moments. The strong wood of the pier cried softly underneath our feet, and the waves brushed up against the shore. She let out a ragged breath and I knew she was holding in tears. I didn't need to look at her to know that her bottom lip was trembling, or that she was trying to swallow her tears, but her throat was too constricted to do so.
"This wasn't supposed to happen." She stammered and I crossed my arms, clenching my fists inside them, because I knew that even if this was the first time that I'd openly comfort her, the self-control I had managed to build in the last few moments would shatter all over again. It was after the talent show at the lodge, and after she had danced with that stupid guy, I had to leave. I had done enough of watching her with other guys in high school. I had found myself out here on the pier, overlooking the pond when I heard her heels clacking softly and somehow gracefully behind me. Then one thing led to the other.
"No... no, it wasn't." I didn't know what else to say. I was constantly wetting my lips with my tongue, a nervous habit I had developed recently. I knew that if there hadn't been any sound, that I could hear her teardrops falling on the wood, because as I looked to her feet, they fell with grand splashes and I grimaced internally.
"I thought I was crazy, you know?" She began, and I eyed a strand of her hair that had gotten caught on my shirt button. I released my hands to retrieve it, and I smoothed it through my fingers, feeling like it was the only way I could touch her at that moment.
"I thought I was the only one... but I suppose I'm not surprised that you felt something for me." I smiled sadly at my attempt at arrogance, but the truth was, I was never really sure that my feelings were mutual. I had always suspected and wondered, but now I knew. It made me happy, but it also made me so very sad. I was happy because I knew I wasn't crazy and that she felt the same way, but I was sad because I knew she would always suffer like I had been for so many years.
"At first I didn't want to acknowledge it. I hated you, and you hated me." She whispered, and she brought up a sole hand to wipe her tears. I glanced at her wet face and then up at the full moon, and the grey clouds hovering along with the millions of stars sprinkling across the pitch black sky.
"But then we got to know each other." I felt resentment build up in my stomach, and I could feel it rise in my throat. We had unwittingly opened up to each other over the years, and we could see through each other with so much ease. Eventually, she became the center of my life. We fell silent then, and I gathered the courage to look at her fully.
She was radiant and she was a woman now. It was the first time I regarded her as such. From the braces and school girl uniform to a keener comfortable in her own skin, to a pseudo cheerleader who was lost, to the woman she is now. The grown, confident and wonderful Casey that I had unknowingly fallen in love with. It wasn't because she was attractive, and admittedly that bothered me to no end for a long while, it was because we're Derek and Casey. We matched each other and no matter who we dated and lost, it was always her who I came home to. It was her that pushed me to do more than I would have, it was her that called me out on everything, it was her that I could'nt live without.
But nothing could ever happen.
We were painfully aware of that. We shared a half-sibling, and our parents are happily married. Our family had solidified and we were left in back seat, confused.
"Derek?" she asked, looking back at me. My eyes fell to her lips, and I raised my hand to thread my fingers through her hair before lowering my head and kissing her again. The tears started anew as she reacted, giving into the kiss. I had seen movies and heard girls talk about how you could pour emotions into a kiss you gave somebody. I didn't believe it until now.
It was slow and deliberate, and our tongues caressed each other with the utmost care. Our first kiss was rushed and passionate, and our feelings exploded, they were free after all. But now reality had set in, and I kissed her slowly, etching every detail, every taste, every smell, every feeling into my mind. I wanted her so much, I wanted her so much that I felt tears prickling at my eyes and I felt stupid for being so weak. But the feeling soon dissipated, because I knew she was suffering just as much as I was.
She began to shiver underneath me, and I smoothed my hands down her sides, wrapping my arms around her small frame and holding her flush against me.
"Casey." I breathed, breaking the kiss regretfully and squeezing her to my form, not wanting to let her go. I grasped at her hair, at her shirt, at anything I could touch. I wanted all of her, I wanted her body, I wanted her touch, I wanted her mind that made me feel inadequate because it was so wonderful. I kissed down the sides of her neck, and I relished in the sound of her soft shuddering moans and I dug my fingernails into her sides, the feeling of wanting her becoming entirely too strong.
"Derek?" she said again, and I knew instinctively that she wanted me to listen to what she had to say and it wasn't something I wanted to hear. But I knew what she wanted to say. Let's end this, we know this can't happen, we're stepsiblings, we can't be here anymore, and our little brother is sleeping in that cabin over there.
"Casey, I love you. I love you. Please don't say it." My plea was said in a rasped and ragged voice and I knew I was crying because she was getting blurry and I could barely see. I was falling apart, I wasn't Derek Venturi anymore. I had been hastily stripped down to my core and I fell to my knees, dragging her down with me. I cradled my head in the crook of her neck, and she held me tightly to her.
She couldn't tease me for talking about feelings. I couldn't stealthily evade our predicament with cheap insults and arrogance. She couldn't freak out and spazz and run away just yet.
"Let's be together, this one night. Let's forget about everything, let's put the bullshit aside." She said, and even her proper tone of speech was gone. We were Derek and Casey, and we were the only ones who would see this side of the other.
It was just as bad as we can't be together, or we're stepsiblings. Because as soon as the moon descended beyond the horizon and the sun came to greet us, I would never be able to show her this side again, I would never be able to have her.
"Just promise me something," she said and I looked her straight in the eye, vowing to always keep said promise without needing to utter a word.
"Promise me that you'll always be in my life, and that I'll always be in yours. Not because we share a family, but because I can't possibly go through life without you tormenting me." She cracked a smile, and a ghost of a smirk appeared on my face.
"Sure, Case." I managed without my voice breaking, and I pulled her to me, kissing her soft lips once more. One of the last times that I would.