Author's Note: This is my first Young Ones fic, so here's hoping this is a good start. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own The Young Ones.
"Neil, Neil!" Rick hammered on the bathroom door, a towel over one shoulder, "Bloody hurry up; what on Earth are you doing in there?"
Vyvyan was waiting too, leaning up against the wall, un-amused and scowling at thin air.
Mike leaned close to the door and called, "Hurry up Neil, Mike's got a date and he don't wanna wait,"
Rick's lips twitched into a smile, "Great rhyme Mike," he grinned, "I mean, that rhymed, but you probably already knew that…"
Mike sighed, "Thank you for pointing out that very important information to me Rick,"
Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Neil was talking to a rather large spider;
"Oh," he said, peering at it closely, "You're making a web. You're not going to catch any food in our house, I can't even catch any food in our house and I live here,"
"Neil Pye!" Rick shrieked.
"I'm coming Rick- that's Rick, he's one of my housemates-"
"So is bloody Christmas!"
"No, Christmas isn't living here Rick," Neil informed him.
"What are you on about?" Rick shouted, "Get out of there now!"
"I'm talking to the spider Rick!" Neil replied, tucking his hair behind his ears.
Suddenly, the door was kicked in, and Vyvyan barrelled in, in a shower of wood splinters, "Where is it, bloody bastard, I've been waiting out there all morning!"
Watching the unfolding scene, Mike rolled his eyes, 'The amount of doors we go through in a week never fails to amuse me- bring it in boys!'
At that moment, two handymen rushed in carrying a replacement door. They rather violently removed the rest of the demolished door and began putting up the new one.
"No Vyv, no!" Neil quivered, cowering in front of the spider which dangled from a web, "Please don't kill it; he's not done anything to you!"
"How do you know it's a him?" Rick quizzed, "It could be a girl- Hey, you're not supposed to hit girls Vyv!"
"It's a bloody spider!" Vyvyan yelled.
"Please Vyv!" Neil begged, "I promise I'll be your slave for two weeks if you don't!"
Vyvyan paused, rolled up magazine raised above his head, "Three weeks says I don't kill it!"
"Okay, three weeks!"
"Fine, now get out of the bloody bathroom!" Vyvyan snapped. Neil ran out and the spider scuttled into a corner.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Rick stood standoffishly, jabbing a finger at Vyvyan who glared, "I'm not moving!"
Mike, in the middle of paying the men for replacing the door, looked in Vyvyan and Rick's direction and rolled his eyes again.
"Yes you are!" Vyvyan argued, "I got in here first!"
"But you didn't use the door so that's cheating!" Rick snarled.
"Yes I did! I went through it!"
"Boys, boys!" Mike strolled into the room and pointed outside, "What's that?"
"What?" Rick frowned.
"Can't you see it?" Mike put an arm around each of their shoulders and pushed them towards the door, "Can you see it yet?"
"No," Vyvyan shook his head.
"Oh, get a bit closer…" Mike waited until they were both outside the door and then slammed it shut and locked it.
"No, no!" Rick hammered on the door, "Mike!"
Vyvyan grabbed the self-proclaimed anarchist in a headlock, "This is all your fault you girlie!"
"Get off me Vyvyan, you bastard!" Rick lashed out.
They broke apart when they heard an unmistakable horse neigh from the kitchen.
"What the hell was that?" Rick ran down the stairs, "Have you been drinking that stuff from the back of the cupboard again Neil?"
"No Rick," Neil replied, staring up at the ceiling, "There's a horsefly in here…"
"Oh bloody hell!" Rick threw up his hands and shook his head, "Spiders, Horseflies, Hippies… it's like a bloody zoo in this house!"
"Open the windows…" Neil ran into the living room.
Rick rolled his eyes, "Right, what have we got for breakfast?"
Vyvyan shrugged, "I dunno. A cow or a pig! Or a chicken!"
Rick rolled his eyes again, "Neil!" he screeched.
"Yes Rick?" Came the reply, followed by a loud crashing sound from outside.
"Er, what was that?" Rick called, raising his eyebrows.
"Don't worry, it's just Neil, he slept in the garden last night," Neil answered.
"What?" Rick ran into the room, "You let a hippie sleep in our garden-" he pushed Neil aside, and leaned his head out of the open window, "Get out hippie! Didn't you read the sign?"
Outside, in the garden, was a sign that was similar to a 'no dogs' sign. In actual fact, it would have been identical if it wasn't for the fact that the picture was of a hippie instead.
"Oh, that's not very nice of you Rick…" Neil told him.
"Look, I've told you a trillion times," Rick shouted, "No hippies on the stairs, in the garden, in the tree, in the fridge and definitely not in the bath!"
"Breakfast!" Vyvyan growled from the kitchen.
"Yes," Rick nodded, "What's for breakfast Neil?"
They went into the kitchen and Rick sat at the table opposite Vyvyan, whilst Neil peered into the cupboards.
Mike came down the stairs, looking very smartly dressed, with his hair even neater than usual, "See you later lads, the fair damsel awaits!"
Rick made a miserable face as the door slammed shut and rested his chin on his hand, "It's not fair, how come Mike always gets the girls?"
"Because you're an ugly, ugly, bastard!" Vyvyan answered.
"Oh bloody shut up!" Rick curled his lip into a snarl, "I hate you!"
"Er, guys…" Neil's voice echoed inside the almost bare cupboard, "We've only got lentils…"
"Lentils! For breakfast!" Rick exclaimed, "That's hippies' work! Neil, why haven't you been to get the shopping?"
Neil turned to face Rick, saucepan in hand, 'Well, I can't do everything at once, Rick, and that's what I have to do in here all the time; everything. At once,'
It was at that moment that Mike came back into the house, carrying a parcel, 'Right,' he said, placing it in the middle of the table and holding up his hands as both Vyvyan and Rick went to grab it, 'This is the wrong address,'
'Um, no,' Neil shook his head, 'we've always lived here,'
Mike sighed, 'I'm in a hurry boys; this here parcel has been sent to the wrong address. I'll deal with it later. Just leave it here, unopened, until I get back, alright?'
The parcel was a brown, cube shaped box with URGENT stamped on the front. Neil, Vyvyan and Rick looked at one another. `