Bella and Edward do not belong to me... but the rest is mine...


I can't help but wonder how we got here… or how I got here.

I'm lying in our bed, crying. The kids are home from school, playing quietly in their rooms and all I can do is cry and feel overwhelmed by the anger I feel for my husband of almost 12 years.

I feel like it's all a mess and no matter what I do or how many times I clean it all up I always end up right back here… crying in our bed… angry… hurt… feeling alone.

Our eldest son walks into our messy room and I have to hide my face behind my hand so he doesn't see the tears that are pouring down my cheeks. Edward, Jr. looks just like his dad. He has his bronzy-red, crazy hair and startling green eyes, but he is just like me. He is quiet and observant and resilient. I know he sees me wipe the tears away from the corner of his eye. He asks a benign question and I answer calmly. He pauses for a moment, as if to ask me what's wrong and his younger brother, Nathaniel, walks into the room wondering what his big brother is up to. I look up at them these two brothers and they break my heart. They are so young… E is 11 and Nate is 6 and their dynamic is already so volatile. And I can't help feeling so responsible for all of it. They are so similar, so strong, and so perfect. But, it is these similarities that make them so difficult for one another to handle. At moments, they are like oil and water… they just don't mix. At other moments, they are like gasoline and a match, they explode violently involving everyone around them. But, today is a calm day. They know something is not right. They know I am upset.

Then there is Alexander, our second son. He looks just like his Mama and acts just like his Daddy. He has my chocolate brown eyes, my brown, curly hair and my smile. But, he is painfully oblivious to anyone's feelings but his own. Alexander is only 8 and he already walks through life with the same ease and grace as his father. He already has his charisma and charm. He's sitting in the loft with our youngest, Jason, watching cartoons. The get along so well, but that's what Alex does, he gets along with just about everyone. Jason is only 3 and he is an adorable child with the greatest sense of humor and he is just as amicable as Alex. I guess that's why they get along so well. If Alex and Jay were closer in age they could be twins. Jay looks just like Alex did at his age. He has his dark, curly hair and sweet smile. Their eyes are slightly different, Jay's are hazel, but that is really the only difference.

There are days when our children are the glue and days when they are the proverbial "line in the sand". And today I am pretty sure they will be what gets me through the day. I let the boys play the Ds' and watch cartoons, just to keep the peace. When I look at the clock it is only 4:30 and I just don't feel like getting up and trying to pull it all together, not yet.

I think I will order pizza tonight for supper. Why should I cook when no one cares? When my husband chooses to sit his ass on the computer rather than eat a hot meal. My stomach twists into another knot and I find myself, once again, in tears.

I'm so angry with Edward that I almost don't know where to start. When I think about it, it just fucking hurts. And then I feel melodramatic, because he's not really doing anything that bad. He's not cheating on me or abusing me… he's just taking me granted. And frankly, I'm tired of it.


a/n ... this is my fist attempt at this... please let me know what you think :-)