Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck
Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge
To spend your waking moments, simply killing time
Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your life.
-Survive RISE AGANIST
It was my escape, it was my solace, it was my addiction. My name is Isabella Swan and I'm an addict. My drug of choice- acid. On the outside I looked like an everyday seventeen year old but on the inside I'm a hardcore addict. I never wanted to end up like this. To think I used to scoff at those spineless people who put their own life on the line. Now, I'm just like them. My addiction would have never started if I would have never met him.
Jacob Black. He pulled me into this fast lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It was a fun ride for a while, until he decided he was bored with me and dropped me like a bad habit. I still can't fully grasp how drastically my life has changed in the last two years. I used to be a model citizen. Now, my life revolves around when I'll get my next fix. I know Jacob Black is not the only person to blame here, but it is much easier to imagine that he ruined my life. If I hadn't have been so stupid I would probably be living my dream right now. I had wanted to get a degree in literature, but that changed when I met the monster. Now colleges would laugh at my application.
You see, acid has opened up so many doors for me. It has been the only constant thing in my life for the past two years. I know my dad Charlie, worries about me but I can't seem to care. I can honestly not fathom how I can kick this addiction. It helps me relax and forget about all the problems in the world. When I'm high all I can feel is complete and utter peace.
It helps me forget all of my hidden secrets. If I were to ever speak to Jacob Black again I would thank him for showing me how fun life could be. But yet I hate him because he left me. I can't wrap my head around why he did. Were all of those "I love you's" not enough?
It was great for a while. It was my own personal savior. I could wind down, but now all it seems to want to do is tear me down. I wish I could turn my addiction off but its not that easy. This disease has taken hold of my life and I want it back. Day to day all I worry about is when I'm going to get my next high. I want to pursue all of my ambitions but I can't do that with such a weight on my shoulder.
Now I just want to end it all. This life has been crazy and fun, but now all I am is a shell of the person I used to be. I honestly think its my time. I am a burden to everyone around me and it would be a better world with one less loser in it. I have been contemplating this for a while now, but something has always held me back. But this time it was real. My life has just gotten worse. It will be so much easier on Charlie if I were to just let go of my pathetic life.
I couldn't push my truck fast enough. I just wanted to get to the cliffs as fast as I could. I didn't want to have any second thoughts. Its very hard to get my truck past sixty but I managed to get the speedometer to seventy.
As I approached the cliffs I knew that this was the right thing to do. I parked my truck along the road and stripped down to my bra and underwear. I left all my valuables in the truck along with a note to Charlie. Of all people he deserved an explanation to why I killed myself.
I walked to the peak of the cliff and looked down. The water looked black and icy. It was fairly cold out so I could only imagine how cold the water will be. The rocks beneath the cliff were sharp and jagged.
"Now comes the mystery." I say to myself right as I was about to jump
"Don't Jump! For the love of God please don't jump!" I heard behind me and I whip my head around to find the most startling shade of green staring back at me. "Just don't jump okay?" He said.
"And what business is it of yours?" I snap back.
"Because if you jump, I'll have to jump in there after you and we both know I don't want to do that, so save us both" He replied.
"My work here is done, so why wait?" I ask. The nerve of this man. How could he think he had the right to tell me what I can and cannot do?
"Trust me your work is far from over."
I took a breath before I replied. "You have no clue who I am so you have no clue as to why I am doing this."
"It doesn't matter the reason nothing is bad enough to take away your own life. God has a plan for you. Live life to the fullest. Don't give up on him." He said and I started to ponder at his words.
"If god has a plan for me I got the short end of the stick."
"That's not true, you haven't even lived your life completely so you have no idea what his plan is for you." Why did it matter to him whether I killed myself or not.
"Why does it matter to you? You don't even know me or what struggles I've been through." I said.
"It doesn't really matter to me because yes I don't know you, but I have to do the right thing. And the right thing is to try and save you. Trust me your time here is not done, please believe me." How could he affect me like this? I just met him five minutes ago and I'm already second guessing my intentions. "Put you clothes on and just drive away. You don't need to take the easy way out. It may have taken a lot of courage to get up here, but the real courage is walking away."
"Okay." I said defeated. "Only because you asked so nicely." I said humorlessly.
"If you're ever feeling lost just go here." He said handing me a brochure to some church.
"Thanks." I said picking up my last article of clothing. "Thank you for saving my life."
Why didn't I think of the ramifications of my actions? Charlie would have no one. How could I be so selfish? Why did I only think of my needs and wants? This green eyed angel is the best thing that has ever happened.
As he was walking away I knew I needed to know his name.
"Hey! Wait up!" I screamed. He stalled and I ran up to him. "Would it be okay if I asked your name?" I said.
"Edward Cullen, nice to meet you." He said smiling crookedly.
"Bella Swan." I said extending my arm. When he touched my hand it felt like my whole body went into a frenzy. It felt as if I were completely whole again. "Thank you so much." I said recoiling my hand.
And with that I walked back to my truck with a smile on my face.
How was I going to do this? Can you just show up at a church? I haven't been to a church since I was seven. I had nothing to even wear.
Everything I owned was not appropriate for church. I had to go; I owed something to Edward Cullen. I could wear my black dress, but that was too showy. I could wear a pant suit, but then I'd feel like an old lady.
I found the only thing church worthy; black dress pants and a midnight blue blouse. Even if it covered me up I never felt so exposed. I felt as if no matter what I'd wear I'd be judged. Edward knew that I was going to kill myself that was embarrassing enough as it is.
What if he told everyone there? God, I hate this.
I slipped on a pair of black flats and drifted out of the door to my ever so loved truck. I put the key in the ignition and the engine flared to life with an angry grumble. I pulled out of my driveway on my way to hell.
I pulled in the parking lot and felt like I would have an emotional breakdown. What if he really did tell people he saved some psycho lady who was about to jump off of a cliff? Or were church goers sworn to secrecy about things like that? I sat in my truck debating whether or not to go in when I heard a tap on my window. I looked up to meet the same pair of eyes I saw last Tuesday. I pulled my window down a stared at his perfection. I was snapped into reality when I heard him talking. "You made it!" He said.
"Yeah, here I am." I said. "Can you show me around or something I have no clue where I'm going." I said laughing nervously.
"Yeah sure." He said. At that moment I saw a pretty blond walking over this way. She was beyond beautiful. I felt completely embarrassed to even be in here presence. I never felt more ugly in my life. She had blond hair and striking blue eyes. Her legs were long, but she wasn't lanky. She had big full red lips.
"Baby!" I heard her yell, and saw Edward whip his head around. She ran up to him and jumped into his arms and he caught her. They were the picture of the perfect couple.
Of course they would be together.
I can't believe you even thought you stood a chance. My annoying side said.
He put her down and stood there awkwardly before introducing me. "Lauren, this is Bella. I told you about her." Great, so he did tell people.
"Pleasure, Lauren." I said offering my hand for a shake. She looked at me then my hand and she did something I did not expect. She wrapped me in a giant hug and held me tightly.
"I'm so happy he saved you." She whispered in my ear. She was nice too. That was just icing on the cake. She was perfect.
"I am too." I whispered back.
"Okay this way ladies." Edward said somewhat awkwardly like he didn't know what to say. He lead me into the church and showed me to a seat.
It was a few minutes later when the Reverend walked in. He was beautiful. He had blond hair and oddly golden eyes.
He walked up to his podium pulled out his bible and began his sermon.
"What is strength? Isaiah 40:29 says 'He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak' When you put your trust in God he in turn will give you the strength that you need." He said.
His words really hit home with me and before I knew it church was over. The choir started singing and people were being dismissed.
"Well I guess that's my cue to bounce." I said nervously. They both gave me odd looks. "Um, I meant I have to go."
"It was nice seeing you again Bella I hope to see you here next Sunday." I knew one thing was for certain; I would be coming back.
A/N 1- New story, I had a lot of fun writing this but it took a lot of hard work and thinking. How does a non-church goer write a sermon? Haha, well review please.
A/N 2- Huh, well Ashley pretty much summed what we both had to say. Review?