Story Notes: HUMOUR! PARODY! A BIG JOKE! NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Slashy themes (kinda) and a VERY embarrassed Watson. I think this is pretty tame but just in case it's got a T rating. Thanks!
Summary: Watson asks Holmes about some documents he is reading...what results is AWKWARD!!!!
A / N: I wrote this as comedy. It is NOT meant to upset or poke fun...It just made me laugh my arse off and it's twisted in the vein of Embarrassed...Experimentation...Disputation...and other fics I wrote just for the fun of it. I decided to post it for the 1st Birthday Celebration (Yay!) of Watson's Woes LJ community and while I know some might feel I crossed a line...I hope people have enough of a sense of humour that they can laugh with me.
Dedicated to Argonite...you know why!
One Experiment too Far!
"Holmes…what are those documents you have been perusing all morning?" Watson inquired as he stretched his back, stiff from hours writing at his desk.
Holmes glanced up. "Oh these? I believe they are known as Fan Fiction, Watson, we have some readers of the Strand that have taken upon themselves to write our adventures as they would prefer."
Watson startled. "As they would prefer? What on earth are you referring to? What preference have I not been meeting by my missives?"
Holmes puffed his pipe, studying Watson with a peculiar intensity. "It appears that there are some readers who belong to the "slash" genre that believe that we should be in a…relationship."
Watson got up and walked over to his boon companion. "Let me see those, I cannot figure what you mean, we are friends and partners and flat mates, what more relationship do they require?"
Holmes watched in silence as he saw his friend's eyes grow confused, then widen, then increase to incredulous.
"I think this particular formation might be anatomically impossible," Watson remarked as he perused. "I have never read anything remotely like this…this is simply appalling! Where would they get the notion that we would be into such activities?"
Holmes placed his pipe to the side. "Well, I can only see one way to eliminate any question as to our proclivities."
He stood; Watson was so engrossed in what he was reading that he did not see the man move, until Holmes was upon him. "This position is absurd; I mean I once knew this woman in Marrakesh…well let's just say the male body is not meant to bend that way…"
Watson suddenly realized that Holmes was standing entirely too close.
"Holmes…what the deuce are you thinking, I suggest you…Mmmfph!"
The contact was long and involved and passionate; at least on Holmes's part...Watson was too stunned to offer participation...
Holmes pulled back from the kiss. "I have no idea why those many females find you appealing, that moustache is quite distracting…and so is that revolver you've just placed under the shelf of my chin…I insist you remove it at once…"
Watson was flushed red and he clicked the hammer back making sure his intentions were known. "I will remove this gun from your chin if you will remove your hand from my bum!"
Holmes smiled. "I was just attempting to ascertain the method of embrace that is most often referenced; it is merely an experiment, no need to be overwrought, dear boy."
"If you do not step back off of my person in the next few moments I will be performing my own experiments in projectile lobotomy! You need to back away, Holmes…immediately, I jest you not!"
With very slow and considerate movements Holmes raised his hands and stepped back. Watson true to his word put the revolver back on safety into his coat pocket, walked over to the brandy pouring a glass; he rinsed his mouth and spit into the basin. "My God, Holmes, did you have to use so much tongue?"
Holmes shrugged as he regained his seat. "It was the most often indicated osculation technique, the scientific method dictates that you have to follow the exact parameters so the results will not be skewed."
"That whole damned scenario was skewed!" Watson shot back.
Holmes cracked an eyebrow as if his companion was being completely hysterical.
Watson finished his brandy in one shot and crossed to the coat rack, not even bothering to don his hat he grabbed his finery and began to descend the stairs.
"Where are you going?" Holmes called.
"To find and kiss the first unattached female I see! Now burn those vile documents or I shan't return!" Watson bellowed from the stairwell.
The street door slammed. Holmes picked up his violin after throwing the papers in the grate. "The experiment was flawed anyway," Holmes mused, "even if I were so inclined, Watson's simply not my type…
He's not adventurous enough."
Holmes sat back and fiddled while the pages burned.
END (you better believe it!)
I wrote this when I was talking with my constant reader friend about what would happen if MY version of Watson ever wound up in a SLASH scenario, I assured her there would be bloodshed...this plot bunny would not let me go so if you feel you need to use the review space to tell me what a right bastard I am...feel free. I did this with tongue in cheek anyway.