Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd, Eddy, or any of the other kids from that show, Peach Creek, or the surrounding area—but as this is an AU story things wil vary anyway. Any characters you don't know from the show are either my representation of alluded characters or ones of my own changing or creation.
The Secret of Edd part 1
Date: July 31st, 2001
Eddy walked along the sidewalk, seeming bored. He kicked a can into the road, then slumped onto the ground and leaned against the fence. Looking around, he saw an empty cul-de-sac surrounding him.
"Hello?" he yelled, then listened to the echo. Silence fell again, and he muttered, "Jeez, where is everybody?"
Yells erupted form across the street, and squealing followed. Eddy ran over and looked at Rolf. He was running after Wilfred when he noticed Eddy.
"Hello Ed-boy. Why do you look so blue?" He asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Huh?" Eddy said, looking puzzled.
Rolf frowned. "Rolf dislikes this manner of speaking... why do you look so sad, Ed-boy?"
"Nothing's wrong, Rolf. Do you know where everyone is? I can't find them." Eddy said hopefully.
Rolf now shook his head. "No, except trendy Nazz-girl. She went to town with her mother. But you cannot find anyone else? That reminds me of the time my great nana was out in the wild alone and-" His story was cut off as Eddy interrupted.
"That's great Rolf, I'll see you later," Eddy called over his shoulder as he walked off.
"Life's not too short, Ed-boy!" Rolf exclaimed, and then turned back towards Wilfred.
Eddy ran down the road to Edd's house and opened the door. There, Double D was balancing two very large stacks of paper and trying to put them on the table. He was muttering under his breath and swaying slightly. As he put them down without the stacks sliding all over, he collapsed on to a chair, then fell back as he noticed Eddy.
"Ow! Eddy, you know I hate that!" He exclaimed as he got to his feet. Rubbing his head, Edd looked at the papers and backed away from the table.
"What's with all the papers, Double D? Old school stuff, so you can try to 'educate' us again?" Eddy asked as he leaned against the wall. Glancing down, he noticed all the mud he tracked in. /Oops! Better hope Double D doesn't notice that…/ Eddy thought, looking up.
Edd smiled. "That is a good idea, Eddy," Eddy grimaced, and Edd continued. "However, these are old papers of Fathers'. He asked me to organize them, as he wasn't very well organized before he met Mother."
Eddy stared at the papers, then at Edd. "Really?" He asked sarcastically. "How could you tell?" Double D looked puzzled. "Never mind. Anyway, I came over to think of a scam. Problem is, only Rolf's around."
"Only Rolf?" Edd asked. "What about Ed? I'm sure he could assist us in whatever you come up with."
Eddy glared. "Oh, sure, if you want to watch a sixteen hour monster movie marathon! I was lucky to get out of Monobrow's room alive!" Eddy exclaimed. "It's only us and Rolf. Have any smart ideas?"
"Oh, poor Ed. He's missing out on so many opportunities to learn, and to develop his mind." Edd murmured disappointedly. Eddy glanced at the clock irritably when Edd spoke again. "Well, we could always assist Rolf in his daily chores again, maybe."
"That's it!" Eddy yelled. "10 cents a chore! We'll be rolling in jawbreakers, and since it's only us, we don't have to share with Lumpy!"
"Well, Eddy, I recommend 5 cents per chore, and a refund if we mess up too badly. After all, that seems to occur rather frequently."
"What? Fine!" he muttered as Edd gave him a look. "If we end up owing him money, it's your fault, sockhead."
"Hmph! Well, let's be off, shall we?" Edd asked, smiling. He straightened and walked to the door, then turned and stared at Eddy's feet. "EDDY! YOUR SHOES ARE FILTHY!" he shrieked, and ran to get some antibacterial sprays and a clean sponge to clean it up with.
"You ready?" Eddy asked, looking at Double D.
"'Are you ready' is how you should say that, Eddy. And yes, I am." Edd replied.
"Okay then, Hi Rolf!" he yelled, waving.
"Hello Ed-boys." Rolf said, then glanced around. "Where is tall-and- smelly Ed-boy? Chasing Rolf's chickens?"
"Ed is busy, and couldn't join us today." Edd said.
"Yeah, he's watching more Cyclops movies. Say, Rolf. Could we delight you by doing some of your chores, for the premium price of only 5 cents per chore?" Eddy aked, smiling hopefully at Rolf.
Rolf frowned. "Surely, Rolf's ears decieve him. He has allowed Ed- boys to 'help' before, and they only left more work for me!"
"Heh heh, well, Rolf, Ed isn't here." Edd explained nervously. "And usually, he's the one who messes up--"
"Yeah!" Eddy interupted. "It's always stupid Monobrow's fault! And no one else is here, and there's no other way to make money for jawbreakers!"
"Ah, Ed-boys want to buy jawbreakers? Fine." Rolf said slowly, still frowning. "Rolf will pay 5 cents for each task you complete."
"Thank you very much, Rolf." Edd said.
"Yeah, thanks. So, what're we doing first?" Eddy asked, looking around the farm-like area.
"First, Ed-boys clean the chicken coop." Rolf replied. "And don't let the chickens run away. Rolf's chickens must stay here, near the coop."
Eddy started walking off, and Edd followed him.
"Eddy, what will do about the chickens? We can't hold them and clean the coop at once."
"Tie them up? See any rope around here? I don't!" Eddy replied as he stared at the chicken inside. Lowering his head, he stuck his finger in and tried to wake the sleeping bird from its rest.
"Um, I'm not sure that's such a good idea--" Edd winced as the chicken bit Eddy's finger as hard as it could.
"OW! Stupid bird!" Eddy screamed, holding his finger."I hate birds!"
"I told you that wasn't a good idea. However, tying the birds while we wash the coop was. I think I have some rope," He paused and reached into his pocket, then smiled as he held a long, thin strand of rope. "Here we go."
Eddy stared at him. "You keep some of the strangest things..." he muttered, then starighted and grinned. "Tie the birds, Double D!"
"Aye aye, Eddy!" Edd replied as he gently picked up the birds and tied their feet to the rope. He then walked to the nearest tree and tied the rope around it.
They then set about washing the coop with a hose and some sponges. It took about 8 minutes, and they were done.
"Hey Rolf! The chicken coop's clean!" Eddy yelled. Rolf came out of his shed, holding a large beet.
"Well, Ed-boys cleaned the chicken coop. Five cents pay is in order. Here you go." Rolf said coldly, and gave Edd a nickel.
Eddy looked puzzled, then angry. "Hey! Where's my nickel?"Eddy exclaimed.
"Five cents per chore, not five cents per Ed-boy." Rolf said, then held out a basket and a pail. " Now get a basket of eggs, a full pail of milk, and wash Rolf's dishes, and I will pay 15 cents."
"FIFTEEN CENTS? Come on, Double D! What are you waiting for?" Eddy exclaimed, grabbing the basket and pail.
"Um, certainly, Eddy. Excuse me, Rolf." Edd said as he turned around. "Eddy, what should I do?"
"You can wash the dishes, then help me get some milk I'll go get the eggs from my house." Eddy said, and started for the street.
"Eddy, I believe Rolf meant to get the eggs from his chickens, not from your refrigerator. Then the milk from his cow." Edd commented, smirking.
"Uh, yeah, I knew that, Sockhead! Jeez..." Eddy exclaimed, and turned back towards the chicken coop.
Edd shook his head in amazement and walked into the house, where he grabbed a sponge and started carefully washing each plate.
Rolf walked into the kitchen. "Ed-boy, when you are done with these plates, get the stack on the sidewalk. I would get them, but I must make more wieners for my father today."
"Certainly Rolf," Edd muttered, staring carefully at the glass he held.
Eddy looked around him at the piles of eggs in the nests. "This is gonna be too easy!" He exclaimed, grabbing some and sticking them into the basket.
When it was half full of eggs, Eddy paused. There was a rustling noise in the bushes behind him. He turned slowly and froze as he saw his 'greatest fear', the terrifying rooster of Rolf's that had attacked him in the past.
"Uh, oh..." he whispered. The rooster stared at him and tensed up. It tilted its head to one side, then the other, cracking its neck slightly as it glared. "...AHH!" Eddy screamed, turning and running with the rooster right behind him.
Edd walked out and grabbed the plates, then headed back for the house when he saw Eddy running straight at him. "Um, Eddy, LOOK OUT!" Edd shrieked.
"Ow!" Eddy exclaimed as he crashed into Edd, plates and eggs broken all around them.
"ED-BOYS!" Rolf yelled, staring in shock. He ran over and stared at the broken egg-shells scattered everywhere.
"The yolks have been dishonored..." he murmured softly, holding one in his hand. He looked up slowly and menacingly at Edd and Eddy. Both kids noticed a red light and crazed look in his eyes.
"U-um, here now, Rolf, it was a-an accident, and I'm sure Eddy and I will d-do anything we can to make restitutions, um... " Edd stuttered, then whispered, "Eddy, I'm not sure we can count on Rolf to be sensible about this."
Rolf rolled up his sleve and made a fist, staring at them. Eddy noticed a definite similarity between Rolf and the rooster…
"Oh, man... LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!" Eddy yelled, bolting down the street.
"Agreed!" Edd gasped as he turned tail with Eddy, dropping the nickel in his fright.
Rolf waved his fist in the air. "Come back, cowardly-Ed-boys!" he screamed.
Edd and Eddy ran up the street, with the rooster chasing after. Ed came out and waved. "Hi, guys!"
Eddy stopped and Edd fell on top of him. "ED? What are you doing out here?" Eddy exclaimed.
"I thought there was a monster movie marathon on, Ed," Edd said as he pulled himself to his feet. "Why aren't you still watching it?"
"Aw, they cancelled the rest of it 'causethe hospital got closed and they wanted everyone to know." Ed pouted, then froze as he saw the creature stalking Eddy along the street. "CHICKEN!" he yelled, and ran over. It tried to get away, but his grasp was too strong. He stood there, stroking the bird like it was a cat.
Eddy looked mad. "Well, one person here is happy, but we still don't have any jawbreakers! Thanks alot, Sockhead." He muttered, kicking the street and stomping down to his house.
"Eddy, I don't see how you can lay all of this only on me..." Edd trailed off as Eddy ignored him and kept walking angrily down the street, stopping to break a mailbox and crush a trash can.
"Don't bother, Double D. Eddy has a quick temper, and little intelligence to go with it. He'll have forgotten this by tomorrow." Ed said, sounding wise as he said it.
Edd sighed. "I'm afraid that's all too true, Ed. All too true..." he whispered as he walked down the way Edd had gone to go to his house.
Ed stood in the middle of the street, looking completely void of brains as he continued stroking the chicken.
"I'll name you 'Nestor the second'." he decided, ans turned back to his house to put the chicken in his room.
Eddy was furious. Double D had gone and ruined yet another good idea.
/I could have had two or three jawbreakers, but no! Sockhead had to go and ruin it/ Eddy thought as he jumped onto on of the chairs in the kitchen.
"Whoa!" he exclaimed as it fell and broke under him. /All his and Lumpy's fault.../
He then looked in the fridge, and noticed the egg carton on the top shelf. "Rolf meant the eggs from the chickens, not your fridge. He wanted milk from his cow, not your fridge. I'm a stupid sockhead who's always such a goody-goody." Eddy mimicked in a high pitch voice.
He glared, then pulled out the milk and eggs. He walked out the door and threw them on the grass. "HAPPY NOW, SOCKHEAD?" he screamed, then ran back in for more stuff to destroy in his fury.
Edd looked dismal as he ironed the clothes in the basket. As his attention wandered, the iron came closer and closer to his finger until he shrieked, dropping it.
"HOT! Ow, ow, ow, ow..." He murmured, turning it as to not burn the floor, and then running into the bathroom. There, he turned on the cold water and thrust his finger into it. "Burnt my finger, goodness, what's wrong with me today?"
When his finger felt better, he put some lotion on it, and put away the clothes. Pulling the iron's plug out of the outlit, he noticed a sticky note on his bed.
"Hmmm... what's this?" he whispered. "Dear Edward, an immunization shot is on your desk, please administer it to your right arm within two weeks, as it's a tetinus booster... oh dear.. I hate taking shots..." he whispered, then looked the note over.
"What a minute, tetinus booster? I don't need that again for a year. Did mother make some sort of a mistake? I had better check this, and make certain it's what she says it is." Edd remarked as he picked the shot up and put it in a sterilized bag. He then froze and stared at it.
"Not what she said it is? Mother wouldn't lie... it's Eddy's influence on me, no doubt." Slowly, he opened one of his drawers and thrust it inside.
"Or, is it simply because of that conversation between Mother and Father? I should tell them I heard it, so they don't belive I was eavesdropping... no... I won't. That part about 'he's mature enough to know this' makes me wonder if Mother and Father have been keeping many things from me. Maybe, I'm adopted? Or, infected with some fatal disease? Or…"
Edd now chuckled, "Perhaps I'm an alien-abductee? How silly of myself. Everthing is just fine." Edd finished his conversation with himself and closed the drawer, then turned to making his bed.
End of Part 1
Eddy: "Um... are your parents even allowed to be giving you needles? This story's rated something like PG10, seems like it should be higher..."
Edd (nervously): "Well, technically my mom's my registered—nurse... I think it's legal."
Eddy looks over at him, and Edd shrugs.
Eddy: "I guess so... Anyway, what happens if you are an alien-abductee, and it was some weird experimental stuff that was under your hat that Ed and me saw?"
Edd groans. "Eddy, if that was the case, wouldn't you remember that being what you saw? Besides... I think that you wouldn't have started laughing so quickly if that was the case."
Ed: "So what is Double D's big secret?"
Edd: "No idea."
Ed and Eddy look over at him, disappointed.
Eddy: "What, a surprise to you too? It's not something they referred to in the show? That's not cool."
KK: "It's an AU fic... It doesn't need to make much sense literally. It's assuming certain things happened in you guys' pasts which probably didn't."
All three blink, and look quickly at KK. Recognition sets in, and they nod.
Edd: "Ah, yes, the author makes an appearance. ...Might I ask, isn't this entire thing an idea you stole from Chuquita? The main characters having conversations about the chapter that was just written, down at the bottom of the document?"
KK (sheepishly): "Well, yeah... But I needed something other than just rewriting the old chapters to get my interest flowing again. Besides, until I get someway to get the chapters from this computer to the one that still has internet access, I can't update."
Eddy (muttering): "It'd be too hard for you to just write something for a last chapter and get the thing done, huh?"
KK: "Yeah. Too much of it is bad. And I don't think anyone understood where the main nemesis came from---I don't entirely understood. Originally this was supposed to have seven chapters... not fifteen or so."
Eddy, curious now: "So are ya gonne rewrite the ending?"
KK: "Probably. Now I'm gonna go think, you guys chat for a minute or two."
KK walks away into shadows, fading from view.
Edd and Eddy watch her leave.
Edd: "Well, this is better than her doing a self insertion, even if it does inflate the sizes of her chapters unfairly."
Eddy: "Who cares? I wanna know what she's changing. She was doing all those drawings..."
Edd: "Most of those are three years old, I doubt she'll scan them. They'll probably be redrawn if she so chooses, or she'll continue the bitmap drawings, and put them on her site... Where'd Ed go?"
The two look around. Their current location is Edd's room, at night and with only an electric candle in the window to provide light. Ed had vanished.
Eddy: "...Now we gotta go look for him. See ya, people!"
Edd prepares to run off, and pauses to look out the forth wall—Eddy leaves the room.
Edd: "Indeed... If you prefer, these chapters are being put into Kitty's website (the link's in her profile) without our little side conversations in them, and with any pictures she's made. She apologizes for the exceedingly lengthy delay in her contiuation of the story, and sincerely wishes for you all to continue enjoying our little AU."
Ed—from a dark, shadowy corner of the room: "Please read and review!"
Edd (jumps in fear): "Ack! Ed?"