Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective creators, and anyone else who may own copyrights. Sadly, I am not one of those people. Though the only thing I wish to own is Jacob. Fortunately, that's what fanfiction is for. So I'm just going to borrow him for a bit. I promise to return him only slightly damaged.

*June 15, 2012: Revised…Again. Jacob finally hears delusionally. :) *

Chapter 1: Lost and Found

There was only pain. Blinding, paralyzing pain. Every nerve-ending was on fire. Muscles and joints were locked into place. He could no longer move. It was even hard to breathe. His lungs just weren't cooperating. But it wasn't just physical pain that paralyzed his body.

He had told her he wanted her to be happy. That being her friend would have to be enough for him. But he'd been lying. He just couldn't bring himself to hurt her anymore, to make her disappointed with him. He had been afraid that if he hadn't backed off, he'd lose her for good. And he couldn't stand to not be near her. To not have her in his life while she still breathed.

Then the wedding invitation had arrived announcing that it would be taking place in only a few short months. Jacob just hadn't been able to stay; he had to get away. He couldn't be there and watch her be excited about dying; planning for what she was going to do after it happened.

To know that she loved him, but that it wasn't enough for her to choose him, to choose life. It hurt. It hurt knowing that he wasn't enough. That no matter what he did, how much he tried to change himself, it was never going to be enough for her.

He'd been rejected. Used, even. Used to make her feel better, and then tossed aside the instant he'd come back into the picture. He'd given so much of himself, and she'd just kept taking and taking, only to shatter whatever hope Jacob had had in her. Every time they'd get even a little bit closer, she would start to feel guilty and push Jacob away, only to draw him back because she claimed she just couldn't let him go.

He was so tired of picking up the pieces she let shatter because they became too much for her to handle.

And yet he still loved her. Still admired how accepting she was, how klutzy and naïve. Even her loyalty to him was a quality that Jacob couldn't help but love her for. She was so stubborn about what she wanted. He just wished it had been directed at him.

There was a pull he had towards her, a need to be near her; to be with her. He couldn't bring himself to stay away from her. It made him just as indecisive as she was. No matter how many times he had resolved to let her go, he found himself seeking her out again. Even being hundreds of miles away from her, she was constantly on his mind. He just couldn't get away from her.

But his love made her uncomfortable. Even though he knew she wanted him there, she felt guilty for doing so; especially whenever he was around.

Jacob couldn't stand him. He couldn't stand the glares of disapproval, the snide comments, and him believing that Jacob would ever be threat to her. He couldn't stand to have Jacob around, and he used every opportunity to make Jacob know it. Jacob disgusted him, made him unhappy. He thought Jacob was nothing but some young, stubborn, hardheaded, naïve punk. That Jacob didn't understand the ways of the world.

There was just no room for Jacob there. He was just in the way; always coming between them. And they didn't need that. He wasn't needed. Jacob believed it was better that he'd left. He was no longer there to mess anything up.

They deserved to be happy. Who needed Jacob around when he just acted possessive, jealous, and selfish? Why would anyone want someone like that hanging around?

Jacob had thought that by distancing himself, by letting his wolf take over, that the pain would stop. That he would be able to clear his mind and just be for once. But the pain had turned physical. And after trying to ignore it then trying to hide it from the pack when it'd leaked across their link, Jacob just couldn't do it anymore.

It was killing him. He could feel it. He had tried to protect the pack. He'd shut his human side away months ago in hopes that they wouldn't have to tolerate his thoughts or his pain. But he'd failed. The room had shattered; or rather, exploded. When he'd come to, they were gone. Jacob was alone in his mind.

Even his wolf had left him.

He was going to die. There was nothing left. Everything had been ripped away from him. There was only pain now. All he could do was pray for a quick death, and be content that he wouldn't be able to disappoint anyone ever again.


Jacob startled and had to inhale at the flare of pain it caused. But he knew that voice. Somewhere in his fog-filled mind, he knew. For the life of him, though, he couldn't figure out how Seth had managed to find him.

"Over …He's…here!...Jake!...Hey…found."

"Sssse." Jacob tried to get Seth's name out, but his body and mind weren't cooperating with him. Everything was so hazy and muddled now that he had to focus on things happening around him.

"You 'kay?...get…there."

Jacob felt warm hands grab him, and tried to pull away despite the pain it caused. "Nuh." He couldn't see the point. It was so close. He could feel it. He just wanted to be left alone. To be forgotten.

"C'mon…fight….Leah… help… here?"

"Just …down… not…going…others…way."

Jacob somehow found the energy to fight harder. He should have known Sam wouldn't have let Seth leave La Push alone to look for him; even if he had his sister with him.

"…hear…Sam's…coming…be okay… got…you."

Jacob didn't want Seth to have him. Jacob just wanted to curl up at the back of the alcove he'd found and die as quickly as he could while hidden within the rock.

It wasn't meant to be though; like so many other things Jacob had wanted. The little bit of energy Jacob had found to resist Seth quickly diminished, and Jacob felt himself being hauled out into the open air.


Jacob tried to say Sam's name, but it was just as pointless as before. He willed Sam to make them leave. To take them home. To not let them watch Jacob die.


Quil. A blanket was hesitantly draped over Jacob's body, but it did nothing except cover Jacob's nudity; which Jacob supposed he was thankful for, what with Leah around. But he was really to the point that it just didn't matter.

"He…sn't look…od."

Of course Embry was there too. Jacob should have known they'd be there. But they should have known better than to come after him. Should have known that it wasn't what Jacob wanted.


Jacob tried to kick the blanket off and get away. "Nn!" He did want them here. And he sure as hell didn't want them taking him back to La Push, which they were sure to do. Not after having made it so far. He didn't want to return to someplace he was unwanted.

"Jacob… still…going…right…down."

Three pairs of hands grabbed at him, holding him down.


Jacob growled. Of course there was something wrong. His heart had been ripped out, stomped on, shredded, stuffed back in, and sealed with a hot branding iron. All Jacob really wanted to do was be with them, to make them happy, and yet the only way he could do that was to stay away.


The thought made him still. He'd been so wrapped up in himself he never once thought about his home or his People. He'd abandoned those months ago. And he was supposed to the alpha? He was nothing but a selfish fool.


Meds weren't going to do him any good. Everything they would try would be pointless. They should just put him back in the hole they pulled him out of.


He didn't want any broth, though. He hadn't felt hungry in days. Why were they insisting on prolonging the inevitable?

"C'mon...swallow…so…good… make…back…Emily…eat…much…hurt…little bit."

His friend didn't fight fair. There was no way Jacob could hurt Emily's feelings.

"That's...great… make…better."

Jacob didn't feel any better. Now he just felt guilty on top of everything else.

"Leah...ahead…clear…too far…We…travel…as…on…here."


"Em…Quil…both…Jacob…my back-"

"Nn—cough!" Jacob choked on the broth. He tried to sit up, to clear his passageway so he could breathe, but he couldn't find any leverage to help him up. Hands grabbed at him again, and he felt himself being lifted against someone's chest.

"Damn…Jake…help…him up…sorry…Breathe…easy…boy."

His friends held him close and Jacob tried to growl at their handling, but he was exhausted, and could feel the fight leaving him.

"Make…secure…phase…other…do…way…want…ride…now…condition…changes… minor… phase…take…scouting…us…shorter…less time…can't…waste…time."

He didn't want them to do this, but he was powerless to stop them. They were just wasting their time though. Jacob knew he wasn't going to make it back to La Push. Their efforts would be mute. There was nothing they could do to save him. Not now.

"Jacob… me… look…need…stay… Hold…taking…home… with you…not leave..."

He wouldn't fight them anymore. Though he didn't want them to see this, he would let them have their closure. It was the least he could do. Let them try, so that they could move on once it was all over. And it would be over. They couldn't take Jacob's death away from him. That, at least, was his.


Author's Note:

As far as the pairing for this fic, let me just say that I don't want to ruin anything, but I also don't want people to be disappointed when this becomes something they didn't want to read. So fine, it's a threesome. There, the big reveal. You shouldn't be too surprised though; I hinted at it.

I also want to say that this is about Jacob. So don't expect too much EdwardxBella happening; or the boys giving Bella all the attention. It's more like Edward&BellaxJacob. Jacob's the center of attention, not Bella. Jacob.

I have so much emotional pain planned to put Jacob through. So if you love an angst-filled Jacob, by all means stick around and enjoy the story. If it's not your cup of tea, or you can't stand to stomach the three of them together, thank you for reading the first chapter, and I pray you find a fic that will get you hooked. Bless you all.