NOTE: This story is not for the feint of heart. It discusses two very real issues, that I have very real experience with. This is noted as a lost chapter of So Hollow, because it uses some of the story line, but it would probably be something that might have fit in about 5 or 10 chapters from now. Anyhoo, on forth to the fic.
A SO HOLLOW Lost Chapter
Ricky huffed, sitting down on Amy's bed. Today had hardly been his day. "I told your parents and my therapist. Are you proud?"
Amy shrugged, sitting down on her bed as well. She was completely exhausted. The last thing she wanted to do was fight. She laid down, resting her head against her pillow and closing her eyes. She felt breathless, like her insides might come out of her.
Ricky looked down at her and frowned. He reached down and felt the sides of her face, and then her forehead. "Are you feeling alright? You're flushed and you're warm."
Amy shrugged again, opening her eyes. Ricky was leaned over her, his head a few inches above her. He smiled, and she couldn't help but smile back. "Hi."
"Hi." He brushed the bangs out of her face, leaning down to peck her lips, She brought an arm up, toussling it in his hair as she deepened the kiss, pulling him down against her. Ricky kissed her back, but then pulled away suddenly, grimacing. "Gross."
Amy frowned, pushing him gently off of her, but with enough force that told him he'd hurt her. She leaned over the side of her bed, resting her chin in her hands as she sat there.
Ricky moved over the bed next to her. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. But why do your lips taste like vomit?"
Amy shrugged again. "I don't know. I don't have answers to every single one of your questions," she growled, brushing her bangs out of her face. She turned to face him. "Its not like you even answer half of mine."
Ricky furrowed his brow, confused by her sudden onset of anger. "Where is all this coming from? What did I do?"
Amy jumped off her bed and walked over to her computer. She turned it on, sitting down at the desk. "I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled.
Ricky huffed, leaning back on the bed. "I'm not going anywhere, so you're going to tell me at some point."
Amy laughed harshly, shaking her head as she turned to face him. "Don't hold your breath. You didn't tell me that you were slicing your skin to pieces."
Ricky sat up on the bed again, unable to hold back the pain of how her words hit him. "Is that what this is about? You're mad at me for that?"
Amy sucked in a breath, growling back. "NO! God, you people are so damn stupid!" She stood and walked out of the room, into the bathroom. She prided herself in the fact that she could walk around, while Ricky was still on crutches. There was no way he'd get to the door in time.
She turned the lock and sunk down against the floor, brushing her hair out of her face. Her stomach burned, but it was a feeling she oddly enjoyed. It reminded her that she was still alive, and at least if she couldn't feel happy, she could feel some pain. She prayed that Ricky would just leave her alone, but that was the downside of him basically living with her family now. He wasn't going to leave; especially not now.
He knocked first, and then she heard him slump against the door. "Are you trying to make me eat my words tonight? Do you want to hurt me because you're hurting? Because if that's what it is then just tell me. I'll take what you dish out."
She tried to hold back the tears burning in her eyelids, but they fell anyway, making hot paths down her cheeks. "Just leave it!"
Ricky pounded his fist against the door once. "No! Running from your pain or your fears won't erase them. In fact they'll grow, Amy. I lay in bed every night waiting for the front door to be kicked down and for Bob to just come in and kill me. Keeping in whatever's hurting you is only going to burn you in the long run."
Amy shook her head, burying it in her hands as she tried not to completely start sobbing. She dug her fingers into her scalp, shaking her head.
"He's only with her for his son. He doesn't really love her. He thinks she's a slut. He told me himself. Besides, who'd want to be with someone with all that baby fat."
Adrian's words burned in her memory like they were carved inside her. She didn't know how to let it go. She felt stupid for even reminiscing on it, but if her own boyfriend had said that about her, then it must be true, right? Especially when he was the one person she trusted more than anything in the world.
She stood, wiping the tears on her face, and turned to the mirror, flattening her shirt against her stomach. She then lifted it and ran her hand across the small bump left there. Sure anyone else who looked at her might say she was thin and gorgeous, but all she saw was fat. Ricky must think that too. He probably thought she was appalling. That's probably why he didn't want to have sex with her. She was sure that the 'fear' was just a cover now.
She suddenly understood how he could so easily cut his skin and not care, because that's what she felt like doing right now. She wanted to run from her own skin and forget all her thoughts. She'd do anything just to not feel the way she was feeling. She grimaced at herself, dragging her nails across her stomach. Then she did again, this time, pressing them into her skin harder. She continued to do it, leaving red marks on her skin as she did it repeatedly.
On the other side of the door, Ricky had gotten the key from George, and proceeded to unlock it. As he opened it, Amy jumped, suddenly yanking her shirt down. Tears were still evident on her face, but she was sure she was too late. He had already seen.
Ricky stepped into the bathroom, hopping over to her with the help of the wall. He grabbed Amy's hand, looking down at her nails and then back up at her face. "You wanna tell me what this is about? What's going on with you tonight, Amy?"
She yanked her hand away and walked away from him again, back into her bedroom. Avoiding conversation seemed to be her forte tonight.
Ricky followed again, this time shutting the door behind him. He walked over to Amy and sat down on the floor, next to where she'd decided to park it. Tears were rolling silently down her cheeks as she stared into space. He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it lightly.
"Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. I'm not going to hurt you," he promised.
Amy shook her head, biting her bottom lip as more tears ran down her face. "You already have. You can't take back words you've already said."
Ricky frowned. "I'm sorry. Was it what I said before? I wasn't trying to hurt you, I just-"
Amy cut him off. "You told Adrian I was a slut. Th-that I'm ugly because I have baby fat from having John. That that's why you wouldn't have sex with me, because to you, I'm ugly."
An infuriated look filled Ricky's eyes as he listened to what she was saying to him, hearing words he had surely not ever stated. "I don't know what hat Adrian is pulling those comments out of this week, but I would never say that. First of all, I think you're gorgeous just the way you are, and I love every part of your body the way it is now. I don't think you have baby fat. And secondly, the reason we aren't having sex is because neither of us is ready to take that step. Believe me if we tried, you would be just as terrified as I am. That's why we haven't tried or why I haven't even mentioned it. I'm afraid if I tried to do that with you, I'd never talk to you again because it would terrify me too." Tears burned in Ricky's eyes as he spoke the last sentence, making her look at him. "I would never try to intentionally hurt you. I love you. It may have taken me a long time, but I learned how to love, and I love you and John more than anything in this world. So don't EVER think I think those things about you, alright?"
Amy whimpered as fresh tears fell down her face, but she nodded. "She just made me feel so…ugly. I don't…I'm not pretty."
Ricky shook his head, brushing her bangs out of her face again. "You are gorgeous, Amy Juergens. I know that."
She shook her head, turning away from him and looking down at her hands. "I'm not pretty. Adrian, Grace, they're pretty. I'm just…me. I'm fat and I'm so stupid."
Ricky shook his head again. Amy began to move get up, and Ricky shifted around so that his upper body crossed in front of her. He supported his weight with his hands. "You're not going anywhere. Now what's making you say all of this. You know that its not true. Now tell me what really happened."
Amy shrugged. "I already told you."
Ricky sat back for a minute, staring at her. She dropped their gaze nervously, and looked down at her hands, twiddling them. He reached up and caressed her cheek, nuzzilng his nose against hers. He rested his forehead against hers after that, staring at her eyes, not looking at him. "What is it, Amy? What're you afraid to tell me?"
"Nothing," she mumbled, still staring down at her hands.
"You know you're a bad liar. I see right through you. Please tell me. I promise I won't be mad." He leaned back slightly, waiting for her to answer.
"I already told you," she resolved. She looked up at him, biting on her entire bottom lip, as if she was expecting him to put all the pieces together.
Ricky frowned, reaching down and grabbing her hand in his own. "What is it? Are you not eating? Did you make yourself sick?"
He watched her gaze drop and her bottom lip tremble. "Oh, Amy."
She looked up at him with her bottom lip trembling. "Adrian's right, Ricky. I'm not pretty. I've got fat all over me and its gross. I need it to be gone. I promise I'll stop when its gone."
Ricky shook his head, wiping the tears from her face. "God, Amy, I'm sorry I didn't see this before. I'm so sorry. I should have realized it." He pulled her into his embrace, hiding his own tears from her. "But everything changes if I could turn back the years, if you could learn to forgive me, then I could lean how to feel and we could stay here together and we could conquer the world if we could say that forever is more than just a word…"
The lyrics rang in his head as he sang them back to her in a soft voice. His heart broke as he remembered the first time he'd heard it; his mother singing to him to put him to sleep after the first time Bob had…well…did what he always did.
After a few minutes, he pulled away from her, staring into her eyes. They matched in their glassy appearance as his chocolate eyes stared into her own hazel orbs. If there could be nothing else said, they were definitely two beautiful disasters on their way down…