The "AwkWard" Contest
Story Title: A Problem Bellow
Pen name: BurdenedThunder and venis_envy (collab)
Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight. We just enjoy embarrassing the hell out of Edward, apparently. This story is not intended to be entirely crackfic, but it is admittedly a little cracked none the less.
To see other entries in the "AwkWard" contest, please visit the C2:


"Man, I'm having some serious issues with the new girl." With shaking hands, I refilled my cup with cold water from the office cooler, wanting very much to splash it on my crotch. Were it not for the fact that I still had six and a half hours left in the workday, I would have done just that. I seriously wanted to avoid a repeat of the last incident. There was just something about that girl that caused my balls to twitch.

Jasper sniggered, "Dude, you okay? You're looking a little peaked."

I nodded, not trusting my voice, and threw back the tiny cup of water to calm my nerves—or rather, my vibrating erection.

Jasper glanced down, clearly noticing my tenting slacks and began to laugh even harder.

"Shit, I was just going to say 'it can't be that bad,'" he said between chuckles, "but once again, you've proven me wrong."

Shooting him my best "eat shit" glare, I turned and walked away. I thought that if I could just make it back to my office, I could hide out safely behind my desk and avoid everyone for the remainder of the workday. It wouldn't be hard. I'd take a late lunch to assure that everyone else was back from their own break and busy at work when I snuck out. People always focused more on their work in the afternoon hours with the hopes of making it an early day.

My sight focused on the ground moving beneath my feet as I rounded the corner to the main floor of the office where all the cubicles were. I chanced a glance up to count the steps between myself and my office door.

That's when I saw her.

Her short, black skirt brushed gently against the back of her thigh as the toe of one black Mary Jane traced a line back and forth on the carpet behind her. She was leaning upon the lowest wall of my blonde co-worker's cubicle with her hands folded together.

I froze, unable to move, to think, to even shut my gaping mouth. I could feel saliva pooling under my swollen tongue—sweat beading on my upper lip.

The girl turned; giggling at the conversation she had been involved in with the blonde-haired woman. Her eyes sparkled as she looked over at me.

The pool of saliva was suddenly gone and my mouth felt as dry as the floor of the Mojave Desert.

In seemingly slow-motion, she walked toward me, the top button of her white blouse undone, showing absolutely nothing, yet somehow, far too much.

I suddenly felt dizzy, my shuddering breathe echoing through my thoughtless, hollow mind. She walked past me, her shoulder brushing against my arm, glancing up once more into my eyes as she did so.

"Good morning," she said in the most sexy, warm, liquid voice.

Right as the words left her lips, I felt a hard slap on my back and all at once, like dropping a loaded nine-gauge onto hard concrete, I went off.

With an audible grunt that reverberated off the walls around me, my eyebrow twitched and my hips jerked in a small, but violent manner. I felt the warmth of my load spill out, drenching the front of my snug boxer-briefs.

Jasper jerked his hand away from me quickly, with terrified look on his face before regaining his composure—even then, I continued to twitch.

Snorting loudly, now unable to control his laughter, he pushed me past the disgusted stares of the co-workers who had been within earshot of my ill-timed orgasm, and shoved me into my office.


"He's really a good looking guy," Rosalie said with a giggle. "He's just sort of shifty and... I don't know. Awkward, I guess. Just around you though."

"Thanks," I said.

Resting my arms on the top of her cubicle wall, I leaned in toward her, glancing around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear.

I didn't know anyone in this office, but Rosalie; she and I had gone to school together, and known each other most of our lives. In fact, she was the reason I had this job.

She and I had gone out for coffee the week before when we ran into Edward. He was the assistant buyer in the department she worked in. As soon as I saw Rosalie talking to him at the counter, I quickly ducked into the ladies room. I knew it was childish, but he was just so good looking. He was the kind of guy one should approach in a club after having downed a few shots of liquid courage, not a coffee shop with morning breath and a Guns and Roses t-shirt.

When I had mentioned my infatuation to Rosalie later, she immediately set about securing me a job in her department.

"You think I have a chance?" I asked her quietly.

"Please. Are you kidding me? He's so randy for you, he can't even keep his twig and giggle berries in check when you're around. In fact, I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his Dockers when I introduced you two the other day."

I laughed thinking Rosalie was probably right. Edward had seemed very flustered when we were introduced the other day.

I reached out and shook his hand and he suddenly started trembling—almost convulsing. Rosalie asked him if he was all right, but he just smiled after a moment with a far-away glazed-over look on his face and gave her the "thumbs-up" before turning and rushing out of the office.

"Speak of the devil." Rosalie's soft voice brought me out of my reminiscence.

I started to turn when she spoke again.

"Don't," she shot, then, biting down on the inside of her cheek and not moving her lips at all, she continued quietly. "He's staring right at you."

I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Really," I said as more of a statement than a question. "Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought."

Rosalie's eyes grew wide as they shifted down. "Oh, trust me. It's hard all right," she said with a serious look on her face.

"Rosalie," I reprimanded as she continued to gape at what I assumed was his package. "He's going to catch you staring."

"Honey, please. I could be wearing nothing but heart-shaped pasties and doing the hula on my desk and I guarantee his eyes would not move from your ass."

We both started giggling like little school girls as I turned away and walked toward him, making my way back to my cubicle.

There he was, staring at me. He, in all of his dazzling bronze glory, staring at me, as if I was worth staring at.

There had to be an easier way to approach him. It would be completely inappropriate for me to ask him out while at work—and extremely unconventional to ask him out at all. Rosalie insists that times have changed, that no women sit around batting their eye lashes waiting patiently for the guy they're interested in to ask them out anymore. What Rosalie didn't realize was that, despite the fact that I had always been a rather confident girl, for some reason that I couldn't quite understand, Edward Cullen seemed to suck every sure feeling I had ever had straight out of me. I had spent far too much time learning to fake things in my life though, so I was sure I'd be able to put on a ruse of confidence.

And, yes. He was "shifty and awkward," as Rosalie had also pointed out, but I found those to be two more endearing qualities about him to add to the list. Sort of like Billy Bob Thornton's roll in the movie Bandits. And besides that, I knew the awkwardness wasn't constant. I had seen him talking to Rosalie at the counter in the coffee shop and he interacted with her with confidence and ease.

I took a deep breath to settle my anxiety as I approached Edward. I wanted to say something— anything—just break the ice in some way, even if I couldn't gather the coconuts required to ask him to dinner.

What would I say though? Hey, Edward. You look amazing this morning, or I love how perfectly your tie accents your eyes?

Just do it, Bella. I thought to myself. Just ask him if he'll come out for drinks with some friends later. That's perfectly innocent.

Just as I'd formed the cohesive plan, I noticed someone approaching Edward from the opposite direction. It was his friend who I had seen him with quite a bit over the last couple days at the office. All my nerve and resolve melted away, and instead of stopping to talk to him, I simply brushed by, mumbling a quick "good morning" as I did. Picking up my pace, I accidentally nudged his shoulder as I hauled ass to my side of the office.

I felt like I was drowning in a pool of stupidity.


Jasper clicked the office door shut and slowly turned to me, cringing one last time before shaking it off and speaking.

"So, uhh..." He put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the door, cocking an eyebrow as he smiled at me. "Was it good for you?"

"Fuck you, Jazz." I scowled. "You know, you may just be as disturbed as I am."

He shrugged, pushing himself off the door. "Well, maybe we can sign up for some kind of couple's discount for therapy." He winked.

Seriously. The fucker winked.

I held up my thumb and forefinger a half a centimeter apart. "You see this, asshat? This is how dangerously close I am to throwing my stapler at you."

Jasper put his hands up in defense. "All right, settle down. Shit. You'd think you'd be a little more relaxed right now."

"I can't even begin to tell you how far from 'funny' that is," I said. I fisted my hands in my hair in frustration."What the fuck is wrong with me? This shit isn't normal! What do I do?"

"Okay, here's the plan." Jasper shot a quick glance over each shoulder, pretending to look for eavesdroppers. "You're going to get your ass home and take a shower. After you loofah your balls, we'll talk." He nodded animatedly.

Smart-ass mother fucker.


With Jazz creating some sort of Jasper-diversion on the main floor, I was able to slip quietly out of my office and down the fire escape at the back of the building.

My tie snagged on the rail as I jumped down the last five feet, almost hanging myself in my attempt to make a clean escape.

Okay. Maybe not a "clean" escape, since I was admittedly pretty damn sticky and disgusting.
I wondered what else this day could possibly do to fuck up my life. Maybe I'd get run over by a bike messenger and put out of my misery on my way home.


It wasn't but a few days later that my nosey little sister had already weaseled her way into Bella's circle of friends and somehow managed to arrange a date between the two of us.


When Alice called it took me thirty minutes to convince her to make reservations at something a little less formal than Chateau Leon. That place was too pretentious. I didn't want Edward to think that I was one of those high maintenance women that expected dinner to be something extravagant. We ended up agreeing that Mamma Mia's, a small Italian bistro, sent the right message.

I walked into the foyer and was greeted by a willowy man with a thick Italian accent. He introduced himself as Felix before whisking me through the dining room toward a small table in the corner where my date was already seated. Weaving between the tables, I watched Edward smooth his tie, run his hands through his hair, and push his sleeves up to his elbows only to pull them down again. There was something positively endearing about it, something that actually made me feel a little more comfortable.

When Edward glanced around the room he caught sight of Felix leading me to the table and stood up. His bronze locks sang a sweet serenade that made me long to run my fingers through them. My heart jumped into my throat when he flashed that crooked smile of his—that smile that would be my undoing, I was sure.

I stepped up to the table as Felix pulled out my chair for me to sit down.

"Hi," Edward said still flashing that smile my way.

As soon as I returned his greeting, that beautiful panty-dropping smile vanished. It was replaced by a furrowed brow as his eyes dropped to the table top.

I quickly sat and placed my purse on my lap. Closing my mouth, I ran my tongue over my front teeth to check for debris.

Perhaps it was my breath. Panicking, I slowly unzipped the side zipper of my purse and fished out an Altoid, popping it into my mouth while his attention was still fixated on the table top.

Conversation was painfully slow at first. Edward kept taking deep breaths though his nose and exhaling out his mouth. It was nerves, it just had to be. Steeling myself, I slowly reached out and placed my hand over his. As his emerald green eyes met mine, I swore I felt a small shudder creep down his arm.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm just really nervous," I lied. Well, it really wasn't a lie. I was indeed nervous, but I really just wanted him to relax. He took a deep breath and nodded his head.

Over two glasses of wine, the conversation seemed to flow more easily—I still wouldn't call it comfortable, but it was better than it had been. I learned that Edward completely and utterly adored his mother and his sister. He also had a profound respect for this father that was almost some Arthurian legend kind of thing. Family was important to him and I loved that.

I was feeling a little more relaxed when dinner was served. Digging into my seafood fettuccini and twirling the noodles around my fork, I brought it to my mouth, savoring the delicious taste as I slowly pulled the fork out, wrapping my lips around it to be sure none of the sauce escaped. I thought I heard a low growling sound and worried for a moment that it might have been my stomach, but I swore I didn't feel a rumble.

I glanced at Edward to see if he had heard it. He seemed too preoccupied with his veal parmesan to notice though. Focusing my attention back on my plate, I heard a low moan. Glancing up at Edward, I expected to see him enjoying his dinner. His eyes widened as he dropped his head down, pushing the veal around his plate with his fork.

I took another bite of pasta, this time not as careful as some of the sauce did drip to my lip. I swiped my tongue across my bottom lips to remove the evidence that I was a pig.

That's when I heard it, plain as day.

"Oh. Fuck. Me," Edward half-grunted and half-moaned. Gripping the table edge to the extent that his knuckles were turning white, his face twisted as though he was in pain and his body began to tremble slightly. I wondered if he was having some sort of mild epileptic seizure.

I quickly scanned the restaurant to see who I could wave over for help. One woman sat cackling in the corner.

I started to panic; if someone was epileptic they really should tell their date. You know, "Hi, I'm Edward. Glad you can make it this evening. By the way, I have small seizures once in a while."

What the fuck was I suppose to do? My mind was racing when it finally occurred to me that he could swallow his tongue. I jumped out of my seat and rushed over to him, stroking his arm.

"Edward, it's going to be ok. I'm right here." I tried to sound soothing and calm, but I was far from it. I scanned the table for something to offer him to bite on. He moaned again and made to stand up. "Edward, just sit. It'll be ok." He tried to push me away when his body shuddered again, but I lost my balance, stumbling into him and knocking him down to the floor.

I heard the gasp of the other customers; apparently they had finally realized that I had a medical emergency on my hands. Lying on the floor, Edward gave another low grunt. Without thinking, I dropped to my knees beside him and placed one hand by his shoulder and the other on his hip rolling him over to his side. Giving off another involuntary shutter, he cursed… loudly.

"Bella, stop. Please, stop," Edward pleaded and I froze. His hips twitched again. It must have been a residual reaction from the seizure. He was coherent enough to talk to me, so the worst part had to be over.

He slowly pulled himself off the floor. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Bella." Beads of sweat dripped down his forehead and side burns.

"There's nothing to apologize for." I reached out to touch his arm but he moved away. "Are you ok?"

Edward snorted. "Yeah, just peachy."

Felix quickly brought our check and our leftover food to us. I tried to pay for the meal, but Edward insisted that I keep my wallet in my purse. I wrote my cell number down on a match book and handed it to him as we walked out the door hoping that he would call me.


Time passes slowly when time is all you can think of.

Over the course of the next five weeks, I tried out different control exercises and "therapeutic stimulation," as Jasper had called it—which technically just consisted of beating off before work every morning.

Check, and double-check. Don't have to tell me twice.

After embarrassing myself in my usual way in a nice restaurant full of people though, I hadn't asked her out again.

Bella had to know what she did to me. Fuck, everyone else did; how could it possibly escape her notice?

I wanted to talk to her about my "situation". I needed to explain my unnatural attraction to her and the fact that my cock was like a loaded gun in the hands of a chimp whenever she touched me.

There had to be a more tactful way of saying that to her; a way to explain what she did to me without scaring her. I also felt that I needed to defend myself.

I had never had such a problem keeping the bullet in the barrel before.

There was just something about the satin-touch of her flower-petal-soft skin on me that made me lose it.

Okay. The fact that I was even thinking about the phrase "flower-petal-soft" was probably a contributing factor to my issue.

I had never met anyone like her though. She was so sweet and feminine, yet her level of self-confidence elevated her above every other woman I had ever known.

She wasn't cocky or stuck-up; she was just the perfect level of "sure."

Every time she spoke, the words were like sex. When she was close to me, and I could feel her breath on my skin, it was like sex. The subtle sway of her hips when she walked by me—sex. And what could I do? Sex gets me off.

The pre-work punching of the clown seemed to prolong it a bit, for which I was exceedingly grateful. I could endure sporting wood from nine AM until lunch time, at which point I would jog my happy ass home and spank it again before returning.

Jasper had suggested at one point that I just hang pictures of Bella in every room of my apartment to condition myself to get used to her.

I told him to fuck off. It was already bad enough that I couldn't be around her without twitching and creaming myself, but for me to go full-blown (no pun intended) psycho-obsessive stalker on her? No thanks. I'd rather take my relay-rod in hand and run with it, so to speak.

I'd also been sending out resumes to other corporations around the city, as it had obviously become a rather uncomfortable work environment.

My life was utter chaos since the day she walked into it, silently waging war on my genitalia in her armed-military-tank-disguised-as-a-mini-skirt. So, when she cornered me in the elevator at work that morning, of course my boy threw up his white flag almost immediately.

It had been forty-two minutes since my therapeutic jerking session of the morning. Her blonde friend, Rosalie, and I had shared an elevator up to the third floor. When the bell chimed, the doors slid opened, revealing the brown-eyed goddess, Bella Swan.

Rosalie walked out as Bella slid past her. They exchanged a look before the doors closed again, separating me and the beautiful girl from anything and everything that could possibly serve as my saving grace.

I tried desperately to swallow the lump in my throat while mentally yelling at my soldier to hold his fire. Even my internal voice sounded weak and non-authoritative.

Bella turned to me, and I swear that shit was like one of those dirty shampoo commercials. In slow motion, the waves of her chestnut hair that had been cascading down her back began to slide back and forth, dancing up and around her slender, bare neck.

I licked my lips and exhaled a shaky breath as her eyes finally met mine—and they too, were like sex.

I said hold your fire! I mentally chided, backing into the corner of the elevator as she sauntered toward me.

I closed my eyes, my breathing still ragged and uneven.

Oh please. Please, please, please! For the love of all that is good and holy, hold it the fuck together, Edward.

I opened my eyes a sliver, peeking out through my lashes, and saw her leaning in toward me, her hands on the walls beside me.

"Edward," she breathed. "Look at me."

She smelled like candy; sweet and delicious.

I wanted to touch her—to wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her neck and know that it would last. That the feeling of her body against mine would not mean instant defeat—I wanted to caress her skin and taste her lips and be inside her and feel that it somehow still wasn't enough.

I knew that my cock would disagree though. That traitorous bastard would think that it was just enough indeed.

She slowly moved her hand from the cold steel of the elevator wall. I felt myself break out into a cold sweat. She brushed her hand against the side of my neck; gentle as the touch of a feather at first, before moving it to the back of my neck and pulling me toward her.

And then her mouth was on mine.

Before I had the chance to think about it, I grabbed her and spun her into the corner, reversing our position without breaking the kiss.

I almost thought I was in the clear. I almost let myself believe that I could touch her without losing my load.

I was wrong.

Bella made the sexiest moaning sound into my mouth, and I was gone.

Stars danced behind my eyelids from the pressure of me pressing them closed so tightly and I growled as I came, right there in that fucking elevator somewhere between the sixth and eighth floor.

I rested my forehead on hers, embarrassed and angry with myself, before pulling back. I made to move away from Bella, but her tiny arms wrapped around my neck as she stood up on her toes and kissed me again.

"We could make this a really good thing, you know?" she whispered, before the bell chimed again, signaling that we had reached our destination.

Bella straightened her blouse and smiled at me as she moved toward the doors.

"Think about it, and let me know." She winked, pressing the button to the ground level and stepping out of the elevator just before the doors slid closed again.

She knew. She knew me. She knew the routine.

Bella was clearly aware of the effect she had on me, and was even aware of the fact that after she touched me, I would need to go home and change.

I wondered if a normal, sane person would be angry with her for waiting until I was already at work to approach me.


He was avoiding me. The past month I would catch glimpses of his copper locks, but as soon as I rounded the corner, he was nowhere to be found, only Jasper. I would ask him if he had seen Edward but he always gave the same answer. "No, he is out of the office," or "you just missed him." After a week of that, I took it as a polite refusal and stopped pursuing him. At least until Rose asked me how it was going. I told her about it not working out and the bitch laughed.

When she realized that I didn't find her obnoxious banter funny, she explained to me in great detail what Edward's issues were. At first I felt sorry for him. You know, the "that poor man" bit. Then for some strange reason I felt empowered. Never in my twenty-eight years had I ever affected a man like that. I was ready to announce it. "Attention, Walmart shoppers. I am so good that I can make a man come in his pants without touching him." I would introduce myself differently "Hello, I am Bella Swan. I can make a man come from across the room." I felt like a fucking sex goddess. I decided I'd better keep that little title to myself though, I wouldn't want to insult Rose. She already thinks that about herself. Bet she never made Emmett come from across the room.

With my new found courage I started formulating a plan. I would strategically place myself in a position that left no doubt in his mind what my intentions were.


Two weeks later, I was up to my eye balls in fucking spreadsheets when my cell phone started vibrating across my desk. I picked it up and opened the new text message.

Stopping the elevator at 3rd floor. Get there NOW.

I threw my cell phone on the desk, standing up so fast that my chair flipped over behind me, and sprinted around the corner, colliding with Jasper. I called out a half-assed apology as I ran to the stairs. Flinging open the door, I raced down two flights of stairs. When I reached the bottom, I stopped to catch my breath. After a moment, I smoothed out my blouse, opened the door, and waited calmly in front of the elevator. At the chime, I took a deep breath.

It was game time.

I almost felt bad about cornering him the way I did, but when he spun us around, pressing my body into the wall as he kissed me, I knew it wasn't just me who felt the way I did. It also became glaringly obvious that Rosalie had been right about Edward's "problem."

I kissed him one last time, assuring him that I knew the perfect way around his dilemma, before exiting the elevator.


"You need to do something, man," Jasper said as he lounged in my office chair, feet propped up on my desk tossing a golf ball up in the air. "It can't be healthy for a guy your age."

"I would really rather not discuss this with you," I told him as I continued to tap away at my keyboard.

"Seriously though, it's been, what? Two? Three months of buying dinners and making out at the movie theatre? You should be hittin' that already."

I reached across the desk and caught the ball mid air. I hated for him to think of Bella that way—like she was just a piece. She was more than that. She was smart, funny, kind and confidant. Basically everything that I wasn't. At least recently.

"Shouldn't you be working?" I asked, glaring at Jasper pointedly.

"Wanna hear my theory?" he asked, reaching over the desk and snatching the ball back from me.

"Actually, I really don't, Doctor- Fucking-Ruth."

He chuckled, looking frighteningly similar to Shirley Temple in the process.

"Well, for starters, you're getting plenty of release but–"

"Hold on. Wait," I said, holding a hand out toward him. "Let me rewind this conversation in my head and see if... Yes. Uh-huh... Yup. I did say that I didn't want to fucking hear it."

"But," he continued as if I hadn't spoken at all. "I think if your dick was getting the proper physical care that it's lacking, you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time." Jasper laughed again. "Seriously man, you're causing yourself to wrinkle prematurely."

I winced slightly at his casual flaunting of the work "prematurely."

Glancing into my barely-visible reflection in the monitor, I tried nonchalantly to smooth the crease from my brow.

"You know what Alice was saying–"

"Alice?" I cut him off again. "You talked to my fucking sister about this?"

Jasper shrugged, lacing his fingers behind his head and reclining back in the chair.

"It's totally psychological, fucker. First of all, you've got yourself so psyched out thinking that she's some unattainable siren of the sea, but what you're missing through the thick, spunkified fog floating around your head, is that she wants you just as much as you want her.

I sighed, resting my head in my hands. As hard as it was for me to believe that Bella had the same intense attraction to me as I had to her, it was also hard to believe that she would bother spending so much time with me if she didn't feel the same.

"You just need to talk to her, Edward. Be frank with her and see where it goes."


I hated the waiting game. Absolutely fucking hated it. We had been dating casually for seven weeks now—dinner, movies, clubs with friends—but I still couldn't get him to do more than kiss me. I was alright with taking things slow, I mean, you build a stronger relationship that way, right? But this was maddening. Maybe I had been coming on too strong—or maybe not strong enough.

What I really needed was to get out and take a walk. I glance at the clock next to my desk. It was almost noon. Grabbing my purse from my bottom desk drawer and my coat off the back of my chair, I headed out of the office.

The park had always been my favorite place to unwind. There was something about the breeze blowing through the trees, and the sun filtering through their leaves that calmed my nerves and my overactive brain.

Taking up shop on a vacant bench, I sat back watching couples walk hand-in-hand, joggers race around the paved paths, children tossing Frisbees for their dogs, and I listened to the mindless chatter that buzzed through the air around me.

I took a deep breath, willing the anxiety from my body and mind as I exhaled slowly. Closing my eyes, I tilted my head back, absorbing as much of the sun as I could.

"Is this seat taken?"

As many times as I had heard that voice, this time, it threw me off. His tone, usually low and melodic, now seemed softer with a hint of timidity. I tilted my head, glancing over my shoulder to confirm that it really was him. Shaking my head, I quickly averted my gaze down to my lap.

Edward sat down next to me, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him.

"I saw you leave. You seemed… rushed."

"I like it here. It helps me unwind," I said, looking out over the park in front of us.

"You're wound up?" he asked, staring at the sparse grass between his feet.

"Yeah," I cleared my throat. "Just a little."

"Is it because this isn't moving as fast as you hoped it would?" he asked quietly.

I turned my head ever so slightly so I could see him out of the corner of my eye. While he was still leaned over his knees, he wore a contemplative expression on his face.

"I have a lot of–"
"I don't want to hear it," I blurted out. The second the words left my mouth, Edward's eyes snapped to mine. He nodded once and shifted like he was going to stand up.

Fuck! He's leaving! Do something, genius!

I reached out and placed my hand on his knee. "Edward, please stay. I didn't mean it like that."
Edward took a shuddering breath and expelled it warily. "I'll stay but, we need to talk. And you should probably quit touching me," he said through gritted teeth. I looked down at my hand and back up at his face.

"Please, Bella," he pleaded.

I glanced down at his lap again. Edward had pitched a tent big enough to house the Ringling Brothers and Cirque du Soleil. I pulled my hand back and mumbled an apology.

"It's not your problem," he muttered, taking deep breaths. With each inhale and exhale he seemed to calm down and my curiosity was killing me.

"Have you always been this way?" I blurted out.

Nice Bella. You sure are sensitive, aren't you?



It was now or never. I knew I had more than just a little "thing" for Bella, but my involuntary emissions prevented me from spending the time with her that I so desired.

There she sat, the sun reflecting off her beautiful, pale skin, giving her an almost incandescent glow, gazing over at me with warm, inviting eyes.

When she asked me if I had always been that way, I almost snorted with laughter. I realized that it was my best—and so far only—opportunity to explain myself to her; whether she wanted to hear it or not.

"Uh..." I ran my hand through my hair nervously. "Actually, no. Only with you." I cleared my throat—another nervous habit—before continuing. "I've never really even heard of this problem before, except maybe in a thirteen year old boy with his first crush."

Bella's eyes darted up to meet mine.

"So, you... have a crush on me?" She asked; a hint of shyness in her tone.

I laughed at our shared use of such a juvenile word.

"Well…" I gazed out over the park, too embarrassed to look her in the eyes. "It's more than just a school boy crush, Bella."

There, I said it. With my heart in my throat I waited for her response. When I heard nothing, I chanced a glance at her. Her face was expressionless.

"You want something physical, no attachments," Bella stated blankly.

"Oh man," I let out an exasperated sigh. Not at Bella, but at myself. I needed to quite beating around the bush and just lay it all out there. I needed her to know exactly what I thought of her. "Let me start over. I am not looking for a physical relationship." Bella's eyes took on a sad, forlorn look before she dropped her head, her hair shielding her face from me.

"That's okay, I understand," she said in a quiet voice.

"No Bella, I want something more. But…" How do I tell this intelligent woman that I am in love with her mind and that exquisite body of hers? The typical I want your body and your mind cliché didn't quite fit the message I wanted put out. "I have a lot I want to say, but don't know how to say it. Please just hear me out first before you say anything. Please?"

She nodded her head twisting her fingers in her lap. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and I let it all spill out.

"The day I first saw you was the day my whole entire world as I knew it came crashing down around me; that moment I shook the hand of a brown eyed angel. I couldn't contain myself." I snickered at my choice of words. "A couple of weeks later, when you left Rose's cubicle, you said good morning to me. Do you remember?" With her head still bowed, Bella nodded as she picked at her fingernails. "I had an episode and have been having them ever since." I finally leaned back and expelled the breath I didn't know I was holding. "Bella, I should also tell you something else. I don't have epilepsy." Her head snapped up and looked at me with wide eyes.

"You mean?"

"Yes, right in the middle of the restaurant, the movie theater, my office, your office, the media room, the lunch room, that club we went to with Alice and Jasper, and most definitely in the elevator. I thought you knew in the elevator." Bella nodded her head.

"I wasn't positive. I thought you were…God, I am so sorry Edward. I shouldn't have cornered you…"

"No," I interrupted. I should have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Bella. It's just such an embarrassing situation. I wasn't sure I could talk to anyone about it, let alone you. It's nothing you did, but it was everything that you are."

"Well, I'm really glad that you decided to." She paused, as if in thought. "I wasn't kidding, you know? When I told you that we could make it a good thing."

"I know, I'm just… scared." I stated plainly. I gazed in to her eyes. "That I can't ever be with you like I want to because of this." I gestured to my loins, her eyes following my hands. "It's not fair to you. That is why I've been keeping my distance."

She smiled flirtatiously at me before reaching her hand out and stroking my thigh.

That familiar pulling sensation started stirring deep within, tugging and coiling.

"Bella." I placed my hand on hers to stop her movement.

Motionless I sat staring down at our hands, trying to gather myself. Seconds later, I felt her warm breath on my neck as she whispered to me the most seductive words she could have possibly spoken.

"You have no idea how badly I want you."

And that was my undoing. A shudder ran through my body as, once again, this incredible woman unwittingly drew my orgasm out of me.

After the suppressed whimpering and involuntary head lulling subsided, I snuck a sidelong glance at her. Sheer mortification threatened to drag me down straight into the fiery pits of hell. She was smiling, biting down on her bottom lip and gazing at me with a sparkle in her eyes.

Shifting on the bench, she scooted up onto her knees and moved closer to me. Wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning into me, she darted her tongue out, licking my lip and causing my eyes to roll back into my head.

Is she trying to kill me?

"Let's go," she said rather abruptly, standing up and taking my hand.

"Wha–where are we going?" I asked curiously. As much as I wanted to spend time with Bella, the only thing I could think about right now was how badly I needed a shower or, at the very least, a moist towel, and possibly a rock to crawl under.

"My place. Now," she said as she dragged me along behind her.

I was stunned. "Wait; did you not see what just happened there?"

She stopped too suddenly, causing me to run right into her. Without releasing her grip on my hand, she turned toward me, pressing her body against mine, gazing up at me with dark, lustful eyes.

"I saw," she breathed. "And I can't even begin to describe how fucking hot that was."

Wow. So... The chick digs premature ejaculation. All right. To each their own.

"Now," she continued. "I plan to take you home as quickly as possible and make use of that little 'problem' of yours."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, anxious to see what she meant, but to be honest, a little frightened of the predatory look in her eyes. There was no way I could live up to any expectations.

I followed along behind her as she towed me through the crosswalk.

God, as if what just happened wasn't embarrassing enough, now she was going to expect me to be able to get it up again this soon after I got off? What did she think this was? Some kind of porn-fiction story?

I continued to follow silently in her wake, all the while contemplating other things that I might be able to do to satisfy her without relying on my useless cock.

I suddenly found myself thrilled at the endless possibilities.

Bella fumbled with the lock on her apartment door before finally popping it opened. Fisting her hands into the front of my shirt, she jerked me inside with her.

I kicked the door shut behind me as she wrapped her arms around my neck once again, kissing me urgently and practically climbing up my body.



All of the fantasies that I have had about this man are about to come true. I leapt at him intent on wrapping myself around him. We staggered into the living room as I roughly pulled at his jacket. He spun me around and pinned me against the wall, nipping my neck, each bite sending an electric charge down my spine. I threw my head back as he moved his mouth farther down my neck to my collar bone, still trying to wrestle the jacket from his shoulders. I felt his warm, wet tongue glide from my shoulder up my neck, giving my ear lobe a small nip. Taking a deep breath, he stepped back and expelled it slowly.

As he turned toward the couch, finally shrugging the jacket from his shoulders and placing it neatly on the arm, I took the opportunity to pull my own shirt off, wanting desperately to feel him against my skin. He barely turned to face me when I decided to make another lunge at him, determined to pick up where we left off. Edward caught me midway, grasping my shoulders. He took another deep breath and let it out slowly as if he was trying to calm himself down.

I craned my neck up to see him.

God, he was gorgeous. His jaw was a straight shot of bone, his lips full with a small hint of pink from my own lip gloss. I watched as his chest heaved with another breath, his shirt straining to cover his well-defined chest.

I licked my lips in anticipation, hoping that very soon my tongue would have free rein to explore his entire body.

The green flames of lust that burned in his eyes from the moment that we entered my apartment slowly changed. His irises softened as his hands moved from my shoulders to cup my face. Softly, he ran his lips along my own, pausing to suck in my bottom lip into his mouth.

Never in my life had a man kissed me like that. It sent flames of desire coursing through my body. I threaded my fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to me.


That woman was certain to be the death of me.

I had to fight back the growl that was rumbling in my chest. I couldn't help it, I was so thankful that I shot my wad in the park—it made touching her body that much easier. Now I could actually enjoy her.

Moving my hands down her back, I relished the curves of her body; her tiny waist and the delicate flare of her hips. My hands moved to her round supple ass. I wanted to grind myself against her, to have that contact, to really feel it. I held back, not wanting to get overly excited and blow it again—literally and figuratively. As cautious as I was trying, Bella was having none of it. As I was palming her luscious ass, she took it upon herself to begin the grinding.
My god, that woman fit perfectly against me, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle—a perfect match.

My hands searched for the zipper of her skirt. Finding it without much effort, I unfastened the top hook and slowly slid it down.

As her skirt fluttered delicately to the ground, I lowered my hands back to her bottom expecting to come into contact with either cotton or—I could only hope—silk. Instead, I was met only with soft, silky flesh. I moaned as I ran my hands father north, discovering that she was wearing a small lace thong.
My one-track mind could focus on little else. I wanted to see it—needed to see it. It suddenly felt as though my very life depended on it.

Bella ran her tongue down my neck as I took a deep breath, gauging the level of my spooge-o-meter. Houston, we're good to go.

Stepping back from her, I busied myself with the task of pulling my shirt off as an excuse to take in the site before me. It was a small, midnight-blue, lace thong that graced her hips.
Tossing my shirt on the floor I started to unbuckle my belt.

"Stop," she whispered hoarsely.

My hands froze on their movement. Had she changed her mind? Perhaps sleeping with a thirty year old man who acts like a prepubescent boy isn't all that appealing after all.

My eyes moved up her body trying to commit it to memory, preparing myself for the last time I would ever see this goddess. But once our eyes met, all panic was eased.

She looked at me hungrily, biting her bottom lip. "I want to do that," she stated huskily, slowly swaying her hips with each step that she took toward me.

Her hands went straight for my belt, unbuckling and lowering the zipper. Her heavy breath cascaded over my chest, causing my little-Eddie-maker to wake up. Though not as quick as he normally would, more like he was still in bed but could smell the coffee brewing. My pants fell to the floor with a muffled womp. In one quick motion, I stepped out of them. Grasping her lovely ass once more, I picked her up and drew her to my body. Bella wrapped her long legs around my waist. Our mouths found each other playing a war of give and take as I walked her down the hall. Pausing outside the bathroom, I lowered her to her feet and asked her to excuse me. She giggled softly, reaching into the linen closet and handing me a washrag, knowing exactly what my hold-up was this time.

I washed off quickly before tossing the rag into the hamper and making my way back into her bedroom. Bella was standing at the foot of her bed wearing nothing but a seductive smile with those delicious panties and matching bra.

I moved toward her and she reached up, wrapping her arms around me. Pressing her mouth to my neck, she nibbled her way down as I lowered her onto the mattress. With her legs firmly clamped around me, I scooted us to the center of the bed, running my hands underneath her to remove her bra. I flung the offending piece of fabric over my shoulder, my gaze never leaving her bosom. Her petal-pink nipples stood erect, complimenting her milky-white skin. I lowered my head running my tongue over the one closest to me. Bella gasped throwing her head back and clutching me to her chest. I sucked it into my mouth nibbling carefully as she moaned.

I could live for that very moan.

I moved to the other, repeating what I did with the first, savoring the taste of her skin as I kissed and nipped at her chest, slowly moving down her body.

I barely paid attention to what she was doing to me. I was too distracted by the beautiful woman beneath me. I moved my knee to nudge her legs apart, the movement was restricted. Bella's heels were slowly moving my boxers down my legs as she was grinding on anything she could get close to. I kicked them off once they reached my calves and immediately went for her thong, slowly pulling it down those creamy white legs of hers. I tossed it aside and ran my hands up her and down her bare thighs, savoring the smooth feel of her skin under my hands.

Bella laid her head back, her eyes closed as her legs fell open easily. I traced them back down and replaced my hand with my mouth at her knee, nipping and licking my way back up. Reaching her inner thigh I inhaled, her musky sent filling my head. My mouth watered at the thought of tasting her sweet nectar. I raised my head and met her gaze, asking silently for permission. She ran her hand through my hair and pushed me towards her center.

Lowering my head, I gave her one slow lick up her slit.

"Oh, God," she moaned throatily, setting my skin a flame.

I went back for more, tasting again, sucking her small nub into my mouth, running my tongue back and forth over it. This was everything I had wanted since the day I met her, and she tasted every bit as sweet as I'd expected her to. She muttered incoherently as I continued pushing my face harder against her, her hips moving erratically. Shifting my position slightly, I moved a hand just below her perfect belly button to still her movements. Taking my other hand, I slowly pushed two fingers into her warm depths.

"Fuck," she moaned, rocking against my hand. I turned my hand palm-up, hooking my fingers slightly to gain better access to her G-spot. Massaging it in a quick, pulsing rhythm, I dipped my head down once more, flattening my tongue against her clit to apply as much pressure as I could. She moaned again loudly, clenching around my fingers as her orgasm ripped through her.

I gave her one last lick before crawling up her body, nestling my nose into her neck and breathing her in.

She brought her legs up wrapping them around me again. Her heels dug into my ass as she snaked her arm in between us, grasping my cock in her hand and guiding me to her warm center.

"Bella, wait," I rasped.

"It's okay," she breathed, kissing the side of my neck. "It's okay. I'm on birth control." She guided me into her. It was all I could do to hold myself together. It was better than anything that I had ever felt. I pushed farther in, slowly. The knot that was so familiar—the same one that I felt every time that I was near her—started to form as I continued to push, ever so slowly. I took a deep breath to suppress it. I didn't want this to end so soon.

"Baby," Bella cupped my face. "Look at me."

I opened my eyes and looked into the brown depths that had hypnotized me the very first day. "Breath, it'll be okay." I took a deep, shuddering breath as a sunk further into her warmth. Looking into her eyes the knot subsided. I dropped my head and kissed up and down her neck as I regained my composure.

Pulling back slowly before pushing in again, I began an easy, steady rhythm.

Fuck, she felt like heaven. I slowly increased my pace, kissing her neck and moaning. It was surreal—it was perfect.

I propped myself up on my hands so I could watch her. I wanted to see her come undone. She arched her back as I moved over her. I felt her quiver as she threw her head back, closing her eyes. Grabbing one of her legs, I hooked it over my arm, sinking deeper into her. Increasing the intensity of my thrusts, I watched her reaction.

I felt her flutter around me as she let out a string of profanity. Fuck, that was hot. I pushed harder, faster; her body glistening with small beads of sweat. I felt it, the knot deep within me. This time I used it. I flipped over onto my back taking her with me, not breaking the connection.

Grasping her hips, I pushed up into her. She braced herself on the head board and moved over me, her breast bouncing with each thrust of her own hips. I moved my hand to cup them, trapping a nipple in my mouth. She threw her head back and growled as I bit down gently on the tender skin, releasing it with a pop.

"Oh, fuck," I moaned, moving to increase the pace. My hands trailed back to her hips, gripping them and guiding her down on me again, each time harder than the one before. I hung there on the precipice, inching closer and closer.

Her moans grew as I felt her start to flutter and clench again. Her rhythmic contractions pulled my own orgasm from me. With a loud moan I came, spilling everything I had into her. She collapsed on my chest as I traced my fingers over her spine, taking deep breaths to calm down.

Bella lay there for a while before rolling off and settling herself beside me. I groaned; having her six inches from me was too far away. I pulled her to my side. She moved her head to my chest, her eyes fluttering closed. I lay there watching Bella fall asleep on me. As I felt something twist deep within me, I knew this was something more than just a physical attraction. Jasper had been right. I had just stressed myself out so much in her presence thinking that I couldn't be good enough for her, that it almost ruined this amazing thing.

Kissing the top of her head, I drifted off into a deep, blissful sleep.

I had tons of fun writing this oneshot with Venis_envy. We decided to base it on the SNL video for "Jizz in my Pants." If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend that you youtube it. So damn funny.

Huge thanks to 87english and tjbaby for betaing for us. Lots of love, ladies.
Thanks for reading! Please let us know what you thought. 3