Authors Note: This is my first fanfic. I've had the idea for a while but finally had the guts to post it. This will hopefully be part of a larger series eventually. If the story seems familiar it is as I pretty much copied a lot of the original Pooh story, so no originality points for me. It was a lot of fun to write though. Big thanks go out to my co-conspirator, partner-in-crime and beta Thatsharrassmentsir. I couldn't have done it without ya!
Review are appreciated. As are cookies.
Disclaimer: Torchood belongs to RTD and the BBC, Winnie-the-Pooh belongs to AA Milne and Walt Disney. This is just for fun. My sincerest apologies to Mr. Milne.
In Which We are Introduced to Torchwood
And Some Bees and the Stories Begin
Here is Ianto Jones, coming downstairs now, thump, thump, thump, bringing Jack his coffee. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop running Torchwood for a moment and think of it. And then he feels that perhaps there isn't. Anyhow, here he is at the bottom, giving Jack his coffee. Sometimes Ianto Jones likes to archive things and sometimes he likes to make coffee, and sometimes he likes to sit quietly by himself and listen to a story. This evening-
"What about a story?" said Jack.
"What about a story?" I said.
"Could you very nicely tell Ianto one?"
"I suppose I could," I said. "What sort of stories does he like?"
"I'm standing right here," said Ianto, a little crossly.
"About himself. Because he is that sort of Archivist."
"Oh, I see."
"What sort of archivist?" asked Ianto suspiciously?
"So could you, very nicely?"
"Oh, please don't," said Ianto.
"Shush!" said Jack, shushing him.
"I'll try." I said.
So I tried.
Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Ianto found himself living in a large forest called the "Hundred Acre Wood". He was not entirely sure how he came to be living in a large forest when he normally lived in Cardiff, but there you are. Ianto rather thought that this had something to do with the Rift but although he was an archivist of Very Large Brain, the Rift was often beyond him. He usually left it to Tosh or Jack to figure out. Sometimes he thought it mattered and sometimes he didn't but there you are. He supposed that it was just the way things are.
One day when he was out walking, he came to an open place in the middle of the Forest, and in the middle of this place was a large oak-tree, and from the top of the tree, there came a loud beeping noise, and some very loud buzzing. Ianto Jones sat down at the foot of the tree; he put his head between his hands and began to think.
First of all he said to himself, "That beeping noise means something. And so does the buzzing. The only reason I know for a beeping noise is because you are a Rift Activity Locater. And the only reason I know for a buzzing noise is because you are a Bee. And then he thought some more and said, "If we get the Rift Activity Locater it might tell us how to get home. And we might also get some hunny! I should alert the others."
So he alerted the others and soon Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen and Ianto were standing by the oak-tree and wondering about the beeping noise and the buzzing noise.
"It must be the Rift Activity Locator," Said Tosh.
"No shit," said Owen.
"It appears to be stuck inside a beehive," added Gwen helpfully. "How did it get up there? She wondered.
"Oh, great," said Jack. "It must have fallen in there when we came through the Rift."
"What I want to know is why the hell are we stuck inside a Winnie-the-Pooh story?" complained Owen crossly.
"Shush!" shushed Jack.
"We don't know," said Tosh. "Perhaps if we get our Rift Activity locater we can find out."
"How do we get it down?" asked Gwen, looking nervously at the Very Large Tree and the Very Loud Bees, hoping it would not be Her going up there.
"Oi! Teaboy! Climb up and get it!" said Owen very loudly.
"Hey!" said Jack, also very loudly. "Nobody orders Ianto around but me! Ianto, climb up that tree and get the Rift Activity Locater!"
"Why am I going up the tree?" interrupted Ianto. "Jack is much better at climbing trees than I am."
"Because the story is about you," I said.
"And I love looking at your ass when you climb," added Jack helpfully.
Ianto said nothing but his ears got redder and redder, and I confess mine did as well.
So Ianto took off his very nice suit jacket, folded it neatly, and he began to climb the tree.
He climbed and he climbed and he climbed and as he climbed he sang a little song to himself. It went like this:
Isn't it funny?
How an archivist likes hunny?
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
I wonder why he does?
"I don't sing," interrupted Ianto again.
"Here here," said Owen.
"Don't be like that Owen," said Gwen.
"Ianto has a lovely voice," said Tosh.
"I love those welsh vowels", said Jack.
"May I continue?" I said.
"Fine," said Ianto in a grumbly sort of voice.
Then he climbed a little further… and a little further… and then just a little further. By that time he had thought of another song.
"It's a very funny thought that if Archivists were Bees,
They'd build their nests at the bottom of trees.
And that being so (if the bees were Archivists),
We shouldn't have to…
"Oh bother! What rhymes with "archivist?""
He was getting rather tired by this time, so that is why he sang a Complaining Song. He was very nearly there, and if he just stood on that branch…
"Oh, help!" said Ianto as he dropped ten feet on the branch below him.
''If only I hadn't-' he said, as he bounced twenty feet on to the next branch.
"You see Jack should have really-," he explained, as he turned head over heels, and crashed on to another branch thirty feet below, "what should have happened was-"
"Of course, it was rather-" he decided as he slithered very quickly through the next six branches.
"It all comes, I suppose," he decided as he said good bye to the last branch, spun round three times, and flew gracefullyonto Jack, "it all comes of liking Jack so much. Oh, help!"
"Didn't that hurt?" asked Tosh.
"Isn't Ianto too heavy?" asked Gwen, a little jealously.
"No," said Jack.
"Get a room," said Owen. "Now what do we do?
They all waited patiently while Ianto got off of Jack, blushed, and straightened his tie.
"Well, if I remember correctly I think we're supposed to try a balloon next," said Gwen.
"You think we have to follow the story?" asked Tosh curiously.
"Well, we seem to be stuck inside a story, so that would make sense," said Jack.
"Are you all nuts?" asked Owen. "I say we just chop down the tree, get the Rift Activity Locater and get the hell out of here! What do we need to follow the story for?"
"Well," said Tosh. "We don't have an axe, and I doubt we will find one in the Hundred Acre Wood. Following the story would seem to be logical."
"I agree," agreed Gwen.
"And I just happen to have some balloons in my pocket," added Jack helpfully, pulling out a handful of balloons.
"JACK! THOSE AREN'T BALLOONS!" said Gwen very loudly
"That's DISGUSTING Harkness," said Owen
Tosh said nothing but had the sort of look on her face that said she agreed with Gwen and Owen.
Ianto just blushed very loudly.
"You can blow them up. Besides, where are we going to find balloons in a wood?"
"Are you really going to let Jack get away with this?" asked Ianto.
"He does seem to be high-jacking the story," I agreed, a little put out by the Sudden Change in Plan.
"I'm helping!" said Jack helpfully.
Jack blew up the balloons and was about to fasten them to Ianto with a long piece of string when Gwen interrupted him, much to Ianto's Very Great Annoyance.
" Doesn't he have to disguise himself?"
"What do you mean?" said Jack.
"Yes, what do you mean?" asked Ianto.
"I think she means that the bees might get suspicious," added Tosh.
"You think?" said Owen. "Perhaps they always get Welsh Archivists floating up to their nests to get some honey, and, Oh, by the way can we have our Rift Activity Locator back?"
"Not helping Owen" said Jack.
"Ianto has to disguise himself as a little black rain cloud" said Gwen, ignoring Owen. "It's like this. When you go after a Rift Activity Locater-"
"And Hunny," said Ianto.
"Right. When you are going after a Rift Activity Locater, and hunny, with a balloon, the great thing is not to let the bees know you are coming.
"Because bees are smart," said Owen.
"Shush," said Gwen. "Now, if you have a blue balloon they might think you were only part of the sky, and not notice you.
"Won't they notice Me under the balloon?" Ianto asked.
"They might and they might not," said Gwen. "You never can tell with Bees. That's why Ianto has to disguise himself as a little black rain cloud."
"No," said Ianto. "And besides, the balloons are not blue."
"They are ribbed for your pleasure," added Jack helpfully.
We must pause here briefly while Jack is berated and Hit several times for Inappropriate Comments, and Ianto has time to stop blushing quite such an Alarming shade of red and must breathe deeply to calm down.
"Ianto, go roll in that mud puddle!" ordered Jack.
"No," said Ianto. "Sir, This is a new suit and I don't want to get it muddy."
"It's already ruined from the fall," said Gwen.
Ianto Ignored her.
"Please Ianto" said Tosh, very sweetly. "We really do need that Rift Activity locator. When I have it I can try and use it to get us home."
"And I can help you clean up in the bath afterwards," said Jack.
Ianto reluctantly walked over to the mud puddle and very gingerly lay down in it while Jack was hit several more times.
Ianto rolled and rolled until he was muddy all over.
"Am I dirty enough now sir?" he asked.
Jack was restrained from answering by Gwen and Tosh and Owen for which I am grateful. They blew the balloons up as big as they could and tied them to Ianto who gracefully flew up to the top of the tree and stayed there-level with the top of the tree. And about twenty feet away from it.
"Bother" said Ianto. "How do I look?"
"Like a world class prat," laughed Owen.
"Not," said Gwen anxiously, "-not like a small, black rain cloud in a blue sky?"
"Oh well" said Gwen as Ianto rolled his eyes, "Perhaps from up there it looks different. And as I say, you never can tell with Bees."
"We so need to get out of here," said Owen.
"It could be worse, we could be stuck in a TinTin book," said Tosh.
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" shouted Owen.
"What's next?" asked Jack.
"I think we are supposed to have umbrellas and walk around underneath the tree saying, "Tut-tut, it looks like rain," said Gwen.
"We don't have umbrellas" called down Ianto. "And could we hurry this up please? I'm worried that the bees are beginning to get Suspicious!"
The bees were starting to buzz suspiciously and in a way that Greatly Alarmed Ianto. Indeed some of them had left their nests and flew all around Ianto not at all convinced that he was a little black rain cloud like Gwen said. He could see the Rift Activity Locater. If he could just move a little closer he could reach it. Ianto began kicking his legs in a decidedly undignified fashion hoping that the movement would propel him closer to the Bees' Nest.
"I believe I can almost reach it Sir", said Ianto.
One bee came and sat on the end of his nose. Ianto started to Worry.
"Jack! OW! Jack!" called out Ianto.
"I have just come to a very important conclusion. These are the wrong sort of Bees!"
"Quite the wrong sort. So I should think they make the wrong sort of hunny, shouldn't you?"
"Except we aren't after hunny Ianto."
"Bother," said Ianto. "I can't reach the beehive, my arms are killing me, I can't reach the Rift Activity Locater and I really need a coffee!"
"That's a point," said Tosh. "How are we going to get him down?"
"Easy!" said Owen. "I'll just shoot him down!"
"Whoah!" said Jack. "Nobody's shooting anybody down!"
"We could just wait for the air to leak out of the balloons" said Gwen.
"But that could take, OW! Hours!" called Ianto.
"Any other suggestions?" asked Jack.
"Just let me shoot one balloon!" pleaded Owen. "The air will leak out and Ianto will gently float to the ground. Easy."
"Oh God!" said Ianto. "You're going to let Owen shoot me!"
"I think it's a good plan," added Gwen.
"It might be our only option," agreed Tosh.
"Bother!" said Jack. "I guess we have no choice. But I'm the one doing the shooting!"
"Spoilsport," muttered Owen.
So Jack took out his Webley and aimed very carefully at one of Ianto's balloons.
"Did I miss?" Jack asked.
"You didn't exactly miss," said Ianto, "but you missed the balloon!"
"I am so sorry!" said Jack. "I promise to kiss it better!"
He aimed again and this time hit one of the balloons which instead of gently floating him to the ground popped with such a Loud Pop that it blew Ianto straight into the Bee's nest before hurling him to the ground. Very luckily this time he landed on Owen.
"Bother," said Jack.
"Ooooof!" said Ianto
"Is everyone all right?" asked Gwen.
"You got the Rift Activity Locater!" squealed Tosh.
."Get off me!" said Owen.
So Tosh got her Rift Activity Locater and Jack got Ianto back. Ianto's arms were so stiff from holding the balloon that Jack promised him a hot bath and a Very Long Massage. Owen was very put out that he did not get to shoot any balloons.
"Is that the end of the story?" asked Owen.
"That's the end of this story," I said.
"We haven't even got home yet!"
"Ah," I said, "That's a story for another day."
"Bother!" said Owen.
"Am I in these stories?" asked Jack.
"Of course," said I. "And Gwen, and Tosh and Owen. Don't you remember?"
"I do remember," said Jack. "Except when I don't."
"That day when you and Ianto tried to catch the Heffalump-"
"We didn't catch it did we?"
"I do remember," he said, "only Ianto doesn't very well, so that's why he likes having it told to him again."
"I have almost total perfect recall sir."
"Shush!" said Jack. "Come on Pooh Bear! Let's go have that bath!"
"You are not allowed to call me that!" blushed Ianto.
And Jack gave a happy sigh, took Ianto by the arm and off he went for his bath. In a moment I heard Ianto thump, thump, thump, going up the stairs behind him.