Title: The Fourth Step
Summary: Everyone knows the Waitress isn't into Charlie. At all. But all that's about to change.
A/N: You can't call it a cliché because there aren't enough stories up yet. So hah. In fact, if anything I'm a trend setter. This is being written because not only are there not enough Sunny fanfics out there, but everyone knows that everyone else wants Charlie to bang the Waitress, while at the same time, sacrificing none of the humour of Charlie getting abused on the show. Solution? Badly written fanfiction, naturally. From a more writer-y perspective, I wanted to see if I could make two characters as extreme as Charlie and the Waitress plausibly get together without breaking canon or their personalities (meaning expect bare minimum Charlie angst). So if it seems like it couldn't happen in the Sunny universe, or Charlie does something wildly uncharacteristic or something else, I'm doing it wrong, and you should tell me so. In a review.
PS: I don't own anything.
Chapter 1: Charlie gives up
Charlie Kelly was not stalking the Waitress. Nope, Not at all. Definitely not. He really wasn't.
Okay, so Charlie Kelly was blatantly stalking the Waitress, but he wasn't doing it in a creepy way, not in that whole 'I'm going to skulk in the shadows behind you' kind of way.
Okay, so maybe he was technically behind her, if you were going to take everything literally (and if you ask Charlie, 'behind' is all about your perspective anyway), and maybe he was kind of skulking in the shadows, but come on, it was night time, and there were a whole lot of trees around and it was pretty much impossible avoiding the dark patches, alright?
All that didn't matter though. The important thing was that Charlie didn't have any ill intentions. None at all. And so he really did not appreciate being sprayed in the eyes with mace like he was some kind of god damned rapist.
"ARRRGH! Oh GOD! Jeezes! My eyes are MELTING inside their sockets!"
"What are you doing Charlie? You scared the shit out of me."
"Oooh! Heey-oooh… Wow, what are you doing here? This is a nice surprise isn't it?" Charlie choked out cheerfully, hunched over pathetically and wiping at his streaming eyes.
"I live here Charlie, something I know you are unfortunately, very much aware of. A better question would be what are you doing here?"
At this point, the Waitress still had her mace out and aimed at Charlie. Charlie didn't really think it was necessary; he was enough protection for her himself, without the mace wasn't he? If anyone was going to attack her, they'd have to get through him first after all, and Charlie wasn't about to let anyone hurt his Waitress with their necks unbitten.
"Well… I was just passing by you know, and oh hey! You live here? Wow! What a coincidence, that's amazing. That's like fate or something right there, you living here, and me, with the walking past at the right time and all."
"No Charlie, it's not fate. It's me having a momentary lapse of sanity and bringing you over one ti- you know what? That's not even important, you're violating your restraining order and if you don't leave right now, I'm calling the police."
"Pshhh, restraining order? What is that really? Just a bunch of papers, and what does 'restraining' even really mean, it's so umbigulous."
"It's 'ambiguous' and no it's not actually, it means-"
"Anyway, as I was saying, I was just passing by on my way home-"
"You live on the other side of town!"
Charlie continued as though nothing had been said.
"And I totally didn't expect to bump into you or anything like that, but now that you're here, I might as well ask…"
"The answer is no Charlie, the answer has always been no, and it will always be no."
"Wanna go out with me tomorrow night?"
"Are you sure?"
"'Cause if you're not sure, I can give you some time to think about it…"
"What part of 'no' don't you understand? I don't need any time to think about it, the answer is 'No'! Now could you please go the hell away?"
Charlie died a little more on the inside at the refusal, but he didn't let it show on his face, fortunately he still had the whole mace episode as an excuse for the tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Alright, alright, I can take a hint. I'll just- I'll just go now, but hey, I'll see you at the coffee shop tomorrow?"
"Why don't you just leave me alone?"
"Alright great, see you then! Bye now."
The Waitress shook her head in disbelief as she watched the man who was obsessed with her walk off clumsily, looking back at her every once in a while to give her a painfully awkward smile and a half wave.
"That freak really needs to get a hobby."
Dee Reynolds was cleaning the pub.
She was cleaning the pub because Charlie was out stalking the Waitress and her asshole brother and his piece of shit roommate were out with Frank doing God didn't want to know what.
She had just finished mopping the floor when the door burst open and Charlie came bumbling through, leaving a trail of mud, dirt and general filth in his wake.
"God damnit Charlie, what the hell! I just mopped that floor!"
Dee didn't know (nor did she ever want to) how it was possible for someone to get so dirty when they had been gone for maybe thirty minutes. Tops! There hadn't even been any rain for Christ's sake, how the hell did he get so muddy?
"Sorry Sweet Dee."
Charlie slumped down at the bar, accepting a beer from Dee and cracked it open morosely. Dee frowned. Sure, if anyone from their gang was going to apologise to her, it was going to be Charlie, but still, that didn't make it a common occurrence. Charlie must have been really depressed.
"Aw what's the matter droopy face, creepy stalking didn't go so well?"
Dee wasn't very good with sympathy.
"It wasn't stalk-, it's not creepy, I just- I was walking, with all the trees and the shadows, and then she was there, and the mace-"
It always sounded more convincing in his head. Always.
"Yep, sure, whatever you say Mr. McStalkyface."
"And I was crying, and it hurt and shi- You know what Dee? I'm over it. I'm over everything."
That sounded worrisome to Dee.
"Over what? You aren't going to off yourself right now are you Charlie? Because I could get blamed for this, being the only one in the room with you at the time and all. So if you're gonna do that, do it later, maybe when Dennis comes back. I'll just leave you two alone and then-"
"What? No I'm not going to- …What? Why would I want to off myself Dee? I'm just over the whole Waitress thing. I mean, who am I kidding, it's never gonna work out, she hates me."
Dee couldn't believe her ears.
"You're giving up?"
Charlie sighed, "Yeah I guess so. Dude, she threatens to call the police every time she sees me, she sprays me with mace for no reason, she's taken a goddamn restraining order on me. I'm no Einstein, or Norton or anything, but even I can take a hint sometimes."
Dee really couldn't believe her ears.
"You're giving up."
Charlie stared, "Uh… yeah Dee, that's what I just said, were you even listening?"
"YOU'RE GIVI- you. Charlie Kelly. The one who stalks the Waitress on a nightly basis, the one who keeps a notebook of her every move, the one who pays spies to follow her around, the one who gave a nest of hornets to her ex-fiancé for hurting her, the one who wrote an entire musical just to propose to her. YOU. You're just- you're giving up?"
Charlie was silent for a while, staring at his beer bottle intensely and tracing patterns on his muddy, never-been-washed jeans absentmindedly, before affirming in an uncharacteristically soft voice.
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."
Normally Dee would have been ready with a quick and cutting comment about how Charlie had brought it upon himself by being so damn creepy about his obsession, but instead, Dee was hit with a surge of anger; anger at the Waitress for inflicting such a pained expression on one of her friends' faces.
Sure Charlie wasn't the brightest person around, everyone and their mother knew that. Sure Charlie had once pushed her to the ground in his haste to escape and left her to her fate when attacked by an armed mugger, sure Charlie huffed glue, had poor hygiene, a habit of dressing up in that ridiculous 'Green man' get-up and had screwed her over more times than she could count, but despite all that, Charlie was her friend, and shit did not fly when Deandra Reynolds' friends got screwed over by somebody that was not Sweet Dee herself.
"You know what Charlie?"
Charlie looked up at her dejectedly.
"Good for you. Stupid bitch wasn't that hot anyway."
Not as hot as herself in any case.
"Hey, hey now, she's not stupid, or a bitch. She's just… out of my league I guess."
Dee couldn't really refute that, few non-prostitutes were within Charlie's league.
"Screw her Charlie, or you know, don't because you're over that stuff, but yeah, she's not worth shit compared to you."
Charlie chuckled at that, albeit a bit self-deprecatingly.
"I mean it Charlie. Seriously, she banged Dennis, and Frank. Clearly she has no taste in men."
This got a real laugh out of Charlie.
"Well that's true, can't argue with that logic."
"Right? So let's forget about that whore and drink ourselves stupid, then we'll go with Mac and Dennis to the coffee shop tomorrow and blast that bitch at work in the morning."
"Shit, Sweet Dee, when did you get so cool?"
Dee smirked, "I've always been cool dickface, now let's get ourselves plastered."
"Wait, wait, wait. Before we do that, I got one more question."
Dee frowned, had Charlie even asked a question before then?
"You know that restraining order the Waitress took out on me?"
"Yeah… why are you asking about that? I thought you were over her."
"No, no, no, I am… it's just… what does 'restrain' even mean? I mean, it must be French or some shit am I right?"
"God damnit Charlie."
At least he was back to normal.
Footnote: Okay, so to be clear, this is going to be Waitress/Charlie, no Dee/Charlie bullshit going on. I don't want to rush the relationship, because I don't think that does justice to the characters, so don't expect any sudden changes of heart. Speaking of characters, and doing them justice; did I? I'm trying to keep them as true to the show as possible, because that's why I fell in love with it, so I'd like to know if I'm doing a good job or if I should just never write anything ever again. Title doesn't really make sense as of yet, but I'm going to draw a very broad allusion to it at some point, just so it doesn't come across as completely random, even though it really is just that.
Feedback would be much appreciated.