Disclaimers: I do not own Chuck, WB or NBC. Nor do I own Lor, Laz or Mama Maureen or the notion of ' World As Myth '. In other words y'all know the drill...
A/N: Thanks to Wepdiggy and ' Gator Guano ' for letting me borrow their Sarah creations for additional story color. If you haven't read the Adorable Psycho Sarah stories, you really need to. They are awesomely funny and entertaining. As for the story it self... just venting...
Sarah Walker stepped out of the front door of her ' cover ' work place, the Orange Orange Fro Yo Shop in the Buy More Shopping Plaza. It was a ' cover ' job as she was in actuality a CIA Agent tasked with helping keep the most important intelligence asset in the nation safe from a variety of blokes in black hats.
She sighed. A year ago she would have been headed for Chuck's apartment home for another ' cover date ' evening. Supper and a dvd movie with Ellie and Devon if they weren't working, or just hanging out with Morgan and Anna.
Then there had been the whole Intersect 2.0 mission and his decision not to run off grid with her.
She had a CIA Agent ' boyfriend ' now, and Chuck... Sarah compartmentalized her feelings about everything as she had been trained to do by her con man father and the CIA.
Sarah hummed tunelessly to herself as she locked the door. The humming was a choice, a part of her cover as a typical girl. She had noticed over the years that many did hum, some even sang loudly in the privacy of their cars...
Her humming was tuneless as it had never been established that Yvonne had any musical talent; unlike Zac and his musical theater background...
Sarah knew that Shaw was expecting her at his new personal residence for an evening of... companionship. She was tempted to head for her apartment in the residence hotel and beat the crap out of her kick bag. What she really wanted was to track down a certain brown eyed nerd and...
She ruthlessly compartmentalized her feelings again. She was good at that... still crappy at relationships though. Shaw would just have to deal with his disappointment.
Finely honed agent reflexes were triggered as she realized she was not alone. There were two sudden painful pricks to the side of her neck and the lights went out...
A pair of similar looking blonds strolled casually up to the fallen CIA Agent. They were clad in form fitting black BDU's and professional situational awareness. One stooped and jammed a dark hood over Sarah's head after she plucked out the tranq darts. The other blond wrapped zip tie restraints about Sarah's wrists. Then both picked her up by shoulders and knees, and shuffled about the corner of the Orange Orange building.
" Did you really have to shoot her with two tranqs? " Sarah Walker Bartowski snarled.
" What! " Jenny Burton huffed. " I tranq'd her as agreed upon... I was tempted to use my SIG and just shoot her... put her out of her misery. I mean... she is boinking that putz Shaw... "
Walker Bartowski shrugged. " Good point... though I'm not sure the boinking as been officially established by the show canon... yet. "
" Jeez... either she is heavier than she looks, or I'm very outta shape, " Jenny Burton gasped. " And I'm not outta shape, so please call Gay in 'cause I'm not sure how much further I can carry this dead weight... "
Sarah Walker blinked as the stifling hood was removed from her head. She blinked a low grade headache away; compartmentalizing as a good spy would and should. Pain was just weakness leaving the body...
She was seated on a delicate, wooden chair in what looked to be a cozy, warmly lighted coffee shop. The air was redolent of fresh brewed coffee and fresh baked scones and cinnamon rolls. An empty stomach growled emphatically at her.
Walker had absolutely no idea how long she had been unconscious, where she was, who the bad guys were, how long it had been since she'd last eaten. Typical spy questions for which she rather hoped there were answers. She would prefer answers to torture or a bullet to the back of her head, and which in her line of work was always a distinct possibility.
She planned on holding out and holding on for as long as it took Chuck and Casey to find her. Oh yeah and Shaw too...
Walker glanced about taking in her surroundings. A brave and bold looking Jolly Roger flag hanging across a far wall momentarily caught her attention. Weird. She then noticed that she was surrounded by a group of familiar looking blonds, and all pairs of glacial blue eyes were focused on her. Weirder.
" What the hell is going on? " Walker growled through a cotton dry throat and mouth.
" We've decided to stage an intervention, " Adorable Sarah growled back.
Walker frowned into border line crazy blue eyes. " Huh? "
" Call me a crazy shipper or some such, but you seemed to have forgotten a rather important rule of the Chuck mythos, " Adorable Sarah drawled. " Rule number one is that thou shalt only boink, bone, hump, scrump, mate with or make love with or to Charles Irving Bartowski... aka Chuck... aka Pookie... "
" Pookie? " a chorus of similar sounding voices protested.
Adorable Sarah smirked. " Sorry, couldn't resist... "
" And who the hell are you? " Walker asked.
" Call me Adorable! "
" Oh God, " Walker muttered prayerfully. It was official... she had lost her mind.
" That's usually Chuck's line when he plows me but I'll let it slid, " Adorable Sarah said magnanimously.
Walker gave her look-a-like a mirthless grin. " Thanks. And where are we exactly? "
" A coffee shop in Maggie Valley! " An young, red head girl strolled into view. She was wearing a low slung peasant blouse that showed either she was chilly or happy; a Royal Stuart tartan mini kilt, white stockings and garter belt, and black pumps. The jaunty swing of her kilt proved that she really and truly was a red head. " My name is Captain Laz, commander of the privateer Dora... "
" I'm the still mutinous crew, First Officer Lor, " another bright voice called with a similar harsh Kansas accent. " That changes at midnight, though I'm not sure if that is local or Boondocks time... "
" Which ever comes first... "
" Okay! That works for me! Hey Sarah! "
Walker eased her aching head about to see another attractive red head wench standing behind a bar area filled with an assortment of exotic looking coffee equipment. " Hullo! "
" My sister and I are the unofficial hosts of this shindig. Lor has a fresh pot of coffee for anyone interested. Can I get you a coffee, Sarah? " Captain Laz asked.
Walker nodded gratefully. " Please, and something for my headache if you will. "
" Coming up, " Captain Laz promised. " BC Powder okay? Anyone else? "
" A BC is fine, " Walker replied gratefully. Captain Laz nodded and walked away with the jaunty swing of hips and kilt.
" Allow me to introduce my companions in this intervention, " Adorable Sarah spoke up. " This is Sarah Walker Bartowski... "
A hopeful hungry expression flickered through Walker's eyes. There was a note of subtle longing in her voice when she spoke. " You're married to him? "
" Uh huh, " Walker Bartowski purred. She appeared rather pleased with herself.
" Well I may not be married to Chuck yet, but I am knocked up, " Adorable Sarah said with a smug smirk.
" Congrats Adorable, " Walker Bartowski said. " We're working on it... if you know what I mean... "
" Oh yeah, " Adorable Sarah replied with a naughty leer. " Lots and lots of plowing... Anyway... over there is Jenny Burton... and that one is Sarah Carmichael... "
Several of the Sarahs were dressed in variations of black BDU's. Others were dressed in the sleeveless top, black jeans and boots Walker preferred herself during more casual Team missions. A couple had the orange top, white capris and sneakers of the Orange Orange work uniform.
Walker caught a dark head of hair near the back of the group. " Why is Lois Lane here? "
Adorable Sarah sent a cutting glare back at a sheepishly smiling brunette with hazel eyes, and who looked a lot like Erica Durance. " As I understand it she really is Sarah Walker. She has a drivers license, CIA id... the whole nine yards. The creators just went in a different casting direction. "
Another tall, long legged blond swaggered into the room, her face twisted with an arrogant sneer. She was clad in a red and black outfit of leather and lace, and with a wicked looking whip looped carelessly about a broad shoulder. " Sorry I'm late ladies! "
" Who are you? " Walker asked as she took in the dominatrix style clothing.
" Call me Mistress Sarah, " the newcomer sneered around a cigarette.
" Is she legal? " Walker Bartowski muttered to Adorable Sarah. " Didn't she have her fan fic deleted? "
" Yes it was, " Mistress Sarah replied with a throaty snarl. " And I've made sure no one will ever find that petaQ's body... He lived in Florida and is probably gator guano by now... "
" Ooh! Nice one, " Adorable Sarah said with obvious satisfaction. " I have my own personal crematorium you know, for brunette skanks of course... nothing personal Lois... "
Walker could hear the brunette Sarah grinding her teeth. " None taken and my name is Sarah... "
" What ever, " Adorable Sarah drawled dismissively, and with a nonchalant wave of her hand.
Walker grimaced as she jerked her chin in the general direction of a pale shade glowering bitterly from a distant corner. " What is that? "
Walker Bartowski glanced over at the corner. " Oh her! That's Yvonne Strahovski's ghost. Adorable killed her off in a fan fic in her universe.... "
" They've never been able to prove that, " Adorable Sarah whined rather defensively. " Besides, Chuck forgave me... "
Mistress Sarah had been looking about. " Hey, I was hoping to see the Nightmare here. She was invited wasn't she? "
" Because you asked so nicely, yes, " Walker Bartowski replied. " Last anyone heard she was off fighting the Yeti in the Himalayas while her Chuck's palms turn orange from all those massages he gives her... "
A low and throaty moan swept the group.
" Lucky bitch, " Mistress Sarah breathed.
" Hey! Watch the language, " Jenny Burton snapped. " We don't wanna pooch things and blow the ratings. And FYI... Nightmare had her fan fic deleted too... "
" Damn... " Mistress Sarah growled.
" We need to refocus here ladies, " Sarah Carmichael grumbled. " We are here to stage an intervention... "
" Seriously Walker, " Bartowski Walker growled. " Shaw? What the fuck are you thinking? "
Jenny Burton sighed. " Well there goes the ratings... So yeah! What the hell are you thinking? "
" Shaw is a fucking idiot, " Adorable Sarah snapped.
" He thinks he knows everything and is always right, " Sarah Carmichael growled. " The stupid pud knocker hasn't been right yet... about anything! He couldn't even pull off the mask heist at the museum... "
" He's a terrible Agent, " another blond said, with a chilly and brittle smile. " I'm one of the Jenny Burton's by the way... Director Jenny Sam Burton... "
The brunette Sarah spoke up. " Shaw walked in and immediately started destroying Team cohesiveness. Then tries to push Chuck solo... ' It's time for the training wheels to come off '! What the hell is that? Chuck needs... ah hell... we need Chuck and it ain't gonna happen if we are on the side lines, or worse, reassigned... "
Mistress Sarah nodded her head. " Hell yeah! And if that bastard touched me he'd be missing a hand... "
" So why are you talking to me about it? " Walker asked with evident exasperation. " Shouldn't you be talking to Schwartz and Fedak? "
Adorable Sarah shrugged with a becoming pout. " We can't... it's in the rules somewhere that we can't touch the creators without seriously endangering the entire Chuck mythos... "
" There are rules? " Walker asked, now with a health dose of skepticism now mixed in with the exasperation.
" Oh yes Ma'am, " Captain Laz said as she brought a steaming mug of coffee over. " The fixin's for the coffee are on the table behind you. If you want fresh cream, we keep that in the cooler. Anyway... have you ever heard of panthestic multiperson solipsism? "
" Huh? "
" Also known as the World as Myth, " First Officer Lor added.
" Can't say that I have. " Walker was feeling very much like she had fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole and landed on the yellow brick road. Swell! She was babbling to herself in Nerd...
" Well there are rules to the game, " Captain Laz murmured with a deeply troubled look in her eyes. " Sister Lor and I were with Deety and Cap'n Zeb when they went back to their home universe only to find that they had been erased... whether by one of the different Black Hat groups or a mythologist. We were never able to figure that out. "
Walker shook her head and winced uncomfortably as her headache reemerged in all it's pounding glory. " Who are Deety and Zeb? "
" When you get a chance you really need to read some Heinlein, " Adorable Sarah broke in.
Various Sarahs nodded their blond heads.
" Laz... Lor? Is everything alright? " Another red head had stepped behind the coffee bar, drawing everyone's attention. She seemed to be the triplet sister of the others, but slightly older in appearance and with a striking maternal warmth to her features.
" We are fine Mama Maureen, " Captain Laz answered with a sunny smile.
" Mama Maureen? " Jenny Burton gazed with rapt fascination at the new comer. " Is Gay Deceiver here? "
" Yes child, " Maureen replied with a quizzical look.
" Are the refreshers really in Oz? " Walker Bartowski asked with a little girl quality to her voice.
Mama Maureen nodded with a warm smile.
" Can we see? " Jenny Burton asked breathlessly.
" I don't see why not... " Mama Maureen began.
Adorable Sarah let out a piercing whistle. " Ladies! We need to focus on the intervention... "
" Check out the damned refreshers later, " Mistress Sarah sneered. " Seriously... Oz? "
Sarah Carmichael nodded with a decided reverential air. " Oh yeah... seriously Oz... "
" Sorry Adorable, " Walker Bartowski added sheepishly.
" May I ask a favor? " Walker asked.
" Sure, " Director Jenny returned.
Walker turned to show that her hands were still in the zip tie restraints. " Could some one cut me loose? I'm starting to loose feelings in my fingers, and I could really use some coffee... "
" Crap! " Director Jenny said with an apologetic look. " Sorry about that... "
She pulled a pair of tinners snips from a pocket in her BDU pants. She stepped around Walker and quickly set her free.
Walker Bartowski caught a brief spasm of pain cross Walker's face, a rapid flicker of her eye lids as the pupils contracted.
Walker threw herself out of her chair, moving unbelievably fast even for a well trained CIA Agent. In the blink of an eye she had launched herself at a couple of the more obviously armed Sarah Walkers and grabbed their weapons.
The pistols were Glocks and Walker was quite ready to shoot someone. A light trickle of blood ran from a nostril to the corner of her mouth, and she compartmentalized.
Walker Bartowski gasped as a sudden notion hit her. " Aw crap ladies... we grabbed the wrong one! "
" What? " Adorable Sarah bellowed. " What the hell does that mean? "
" She's one of those Sarah Walkers, " Walker Bartowski said with deep dread in her voice. " She's the Intersect... "
" Oh no, " Director Jenny moaned.
" Oh hell no! " Mistress Sarah growled and backed hastily away.
" The Intersect 3.0! " Walker snarled viciously. " So bring it on you psychotic bitches... "