Chapter Four: Hell Hole

"Hidan, really we don't have time for this." Kisame looked down at his shopping buddy. Hidan opened one eye and shushed the blue one then resumed. "Kohana didn't say you couldn't pray but she did specifically state no blood drawing."

"Who's gonna fucking tell her, eh?" Hidan muttered.

"Um, excuse me, sir?" A timid young woman wearing the signature Wal-Mart vest kneeled down and tapped Hidan's hand. "A-are you okay?" Between the blue fish creature standing next to her and the bleeding man lying on the shiny floor next to a Ritz cracker display, one couldn't be too sure that employees were properly trained to handle "anything."

Hidan opened his eyes and looked up at her. "Eh?" He had to admit she was easy on the eyes, and worth talking to. He jumped up and began fishing through his cloak until he found what he was looking for. He handed the startled girl a pamphlet…for converting to Jashinism. "How would you like a change in religion?"

"Hidan, no." Kisame objected, attempting to pull him away from the girl.

"No, no. Wait a minute. I think I might actually have a taker here." Hidan waved Kisame off. Before he could open his mouth again, he was forced forward, nearly falling flat on his face. He turned around, seething. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

The little old lady in her motor cart stared up at the tall albino man through her Coke bottle thick glasses with wide eyes. "I-I'm sorry?"

Enraged, Hidan reached for his scythe, whipping it out with enough force to knock Kisame somewhere in the girls' clothing section screaming. "I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING SORRY YOU STUPID ASS LITTLE OLD BAT!"

"SIR, NO!"


"I'm beginning to see why pairing with you was a good idea, Blondie." Itachi tilted his head to the side. Deidara had managed to lead them directly to the hair care aisle without any problems. He kneeled down and used a purple painted fingernail to read each label of Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner. It was better than he'd imagined. Not only did the store carry every kind available, but they also offered double packs.

Deidara ignored the Blondie comment for the time being. "Let's see." He began picking things off of the shelf and throwing them into his hand held basket. "Herbal Essences Shimmer Spray Gel, Two in One Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner—"

"Ooh!" Itachi yanked two bottles off of the shelf. "Herbal Essences Strengthener!" He shot a dirty look at Deidara. "Bleach does all sorts of damage to one's hair."

Deidara returned the glare. "Yeah, can you like imagine six different permanent colors applied to your hair at once? Imagine all the hair care products you'd need just to keep from going bald."

"It isn't like you didn't deserve it, you asshole. You started all of it by telling Tobi to bleach my damned hair."

"Technically he didn't bleach your hair. You did. No one told you to wash your hair." Deidara folded his arms and looked away.

Itachi bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed. He actually wanted to get some shopping done. "Whatever. Now where's the baby shampoo?"

Deidara stared at the eldest Uchiha's back angrily.

Itachi looked at all the different kinds of Johnson's baby shampoos with joy. He was trying to decide between original and Lavender scented when the worse thing happened. Something slimy and warm traced the outline of his ear then the inner canal. He whirled around. "YOU BASTARD!"

Deidara was lost in a fit of giggles, face turning bright red. One arm was wrapped around his abdomen as he howled with laughter; the other was still in the air at shoulder height, a tongue sticking out of his palm.

"FUCK OFF NO JUTSU!"

Deidara's eyes opened wide and he dived out of the way, the huge fireball nearly missing him and taking out an entire section of body lotion. "What's the matter, Itachi-san?" Deidara batted his eyelashes at the raven haired pissy man. "Did I use the wrong tongue, yeah?"

This time he had to dodge two of them. Deidara narrowly missed the second one, causing the ends of his hair to be singed along with his cloak sleeve. "YOU BITCH!"

"BRING IT ON!" Itachi shouted. A male associate came around the corner, took one look at the damage that had been done so far then at the two men.

"Er…Hi, my name is Tony. How may I assist you today?" Deidara's arm went around the man's neck and pushed him in front of his body, using the innocent bystander as a shield. "Wait! W-What's going on here?"

"DIE!" Itachi yelled and shot off another round of fireballs at the pair.

"NO!!!!"


Kohana looked around frantically. He had just been by her side not even a second ago! "Oh, wow. How surprising is this?!"

Kakuzu held up a bag of fertilizer that had been advertised in the sales ad and compared it to the price that was listed on the shelf. "Call the manager."

"What?!" Kohana looked at him. "That will have to wait. Tobi's gone missing!"

"He'll be fine. If anything he'll run into one of the others. If not, he knows to go to the Customer Service counter."

Kohana sighed and covered her face with both hands. "No. I have to go find him. Will you be okay by yourself for a while?"

Kakuzu shrugged then went over to a nearby phone and picked it up. "Customer needs assistance by the indoor fertilizer! Customer needs assistance by the indoor fertilizer next to the pots!"

Kohana stared at him warily. "Kakuzu, please be reasonable with these people and try to refrain from playing on the intercom."

He waved her off staring at the prices. "Tobi could be somewhere ripping some innocent person limb from limb. What I do is the least of your problems."

Kohana's eyes widened with the fearful thought and disappeared. "Yes, sir?" Kakuzu looked at the associate.

He pushed the sales ad in the man's face then pointed at the price on the shelf. "It's advertised at being only $9.98."

Gregory looked at the price listed on the shelf. "$9.99? It's a typo."

"Well, it's still a price discrepancy. Either I get it free or I need to see a manager right?"

"Well, I'm the Garden Department manager. Surely we can work something out. How about fifty percent off?"

"That's a start. How about forty percent off?" Kakuzu grinned wickedly.


Kisame thumbed through the latest issue of Home & Garden. There was an interesting feature article on 101 different uses for virgin olive oil. Next to him, Hidan planted Jashinism pamphlets throughout the magazines. "Hey, look here. Lime seared prawns."

Hidan leaned over and looked at the picture and the recipe. "Hmm. Not fucking bad at all. If we could kick Kohana out of the kitchen, we could try to cook that tonight."

Kisame nodded. "Wanna go get the ingredients?"

"Fuck yeah, man!"

The pair promptly turned and headed towards the grocery section of the store. Behind them a very lost good boy made a scene.

Tobi was prostrate on the floor face down screaming as loud as his very male voice would allow. "TOBI THE GOOD BOY IS LOST AND CANNOT FIND HIS SEMPAIS!"

A nice old associate named Veronica tried to console him. "I can help you find them if you'd like. Would you like that?"

"NO! I WANT MY KO-CHAN AND MY TENSHI-CHAN AND MY DEI-CHAN AND MY ITACHI-SAN AND MY ZETSU-SAN AND MY SASORI-SAN AND MY KISAME-SAN AND MY KAKU—On second thought I don't want him—AND MY ARAI-CHAN!!!" Tobi flailed, effectively causing customers to stop and stare at the scene.

Kisame looked over his shoulder at the good boy then at Hidan. "Should we—"

"Fuck no. He's the baby-sitter's problem not ours.

"Good point."


"Oro, my man, you really need to work on your people skills. No one wants to hear you go on and on about some child they can't help but to assume you molest at night…or day." Sasori sighed. Orochimaru replied so he took his red Motorola Razor away from his ear and leaned closer to the associate. "Hi," he looked at the name badge and made a face, "Poo-nah-ni? Wow, what a name. Um, I need help locating your medical supplies."

The guy stared at Sasori, already annoyed. "What kind of medical supplies?"

"Well, basically I plan to cut open a human body, thus I'll need a scalpel for starters. Then I'll need to completely empty out the abdominal cavity and discard the organs. After that I need to preserve the flesh and eyes. So where would the necessary items to do all of that be?"

Punani fainted.

Tenshi looked down at the man then at Sasori. "I told you so."

Sasori sighed and snapped his phone shut. "I-Told-You-So has a brother, little miss Hell Raiser. His name is Shut-The-Hell-Up."

Tenshi attacked him.

"Look mommy!" A little boy tugged on his mother's dress and pointed to the brawling pair. "Two girls are fighting!"


It wasn't surprising that all of the commotion drew a big crowd. After all, the combination of fireballs and exploding clay creations did create a nice skylight in Wal-Mart's already skylighted ceiling. It was a little known fact, but Itachi suffered from Ochlophobia and thus did not operate well in large crowds…such as the one that had gathered around him and the Blonde.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! GO AWAY BEFORE I BLOW YOUR ASS TO KINGDOM COME!"

"Sir, please calm down, okay?" Poor Tony.

"YOU CALM DOWN! TELL THEM TO GO AWAY BEFORE I LOSE IT!"

"Itachi-san," Deidara leaned against a shelf and filed his nails, "you've already lost it."

"GAH!!!"

"SIR, PLEASE, DON'T!"


"All I'm saying is let it go for a five percent discount." Kakuzu folded his arms and stared the man square in the eye.

"Sir, I cannot allow that." Gregory insisted. "It has to be damaged in order for it to be marked down."

"Then damage it. What about the 'customer is always right' policy? I can't be right if you keep trying to correct me."

The man sighed. "Sir, I cannot damage the product."

"Would you like to make a sale?"

The man nodded, tired of the whole thing.

"Then damage the product so I can buy it."

Gregory was at his wits end. Without further hesitation, he whipped out a box cutter and stabbed the bag and made a nice slit that made the bag look as if it had been damaged while being unloaded from the grocery truck. "There. Now will you buy it?"

"Of course not." Kakuzu turned back to the phone he'd used earlier. "Can I get a store manager to come to the Garden department immediately? I repeat, can I get a store manager to report to the Garden department immediately?"

"What are you doing?!" Gregory yelled.

"This product is damaged and priced wrong. I would like to have it but I will not pay for it."

"BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU'D TAKE IT!"

"I changed my mind. I'm a customer. I can do that." Kakuzu smiled happily.


"Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." The man looked like he wanted to set his little blue vest on fire, quit, or simply just shrivel up into some small inanimate object.

Zetsu calmly turned around, holding two different kinds of batteries for his video camera. "What for?"

"Well…um…We're getting a number of complaints that you're making the customers…uncomfortable." The man did his best to avoid eye contact. Arai was too busy playing Bayonetta on the Playstation 3 over in games to take much notice.

"And just how am I making them uncomfortable?" Zetsu turned to fully face the man.

"Um…well, sir…" He motioned to the crowd of customers who had gathered around the electronics department but refused to come any closer. "As you can see—"

"You want me to stop shopping peacefully for the sake of your other customers?"

The man looked pained. "Again, I'm terribly sorry, sir."

Zetsu growled.

Screams of pure terror filled the air.

"ZETSU, NO! LET HIM GO! SPIT HIM OUT, ZETSU! SPIT HIM OUT!"

"RWAR!!!"