Tokyo Blues

A Kimagure Orange Road work of anime fanfiction by Nightelf

All KOR characters created by some guy named Matsumoto. All rights reserved. I ask that you not do anything with any part of this work without the author's permission.

Did you see the writing on the wall?

The weight of the saxophone feels good in my hands, as the fingers caress the cold brass. I put my lips to the mouthpiece; more seasoned musicians have compared it to the kiss of a familiar loved one, though I wouldn't know. Taking a deep breath, I begin the song,
one I can't even remember the name to, only the way it makes me feel inside.

This is my mourning song. This is what I play whenever things aren't going well. I couldn't count how many times I've spent my nights here, feeling the sea wind blowing through my hair, letting the saxophone vent what I will not cry over. I have mourned the blind stupidity of classmates, the ice from an unloving family, and the simple futility of a society that does not want me - occasionally all at once.

Tonight, though, is different.

Tonight, I mourn the lost years.

God, I was stupid. I... I let myself become precisely what they didn't want - and, as such, precisely what they expected. They saw a delinquent in their midst, someone they could point at as an example of what not to be. They wanted an enemy, an outcast, someone who would be lower than them no matter how slimy they were - and I gave it to them. I acted the role so well, encouraged their petty lies and rumors about me, let them drag me down to their level. Worse, I brought Hikaru into this, and got her into more trouble than any of us deserved.

No more.

I am Ayukawa Madoka. My name is not 'Pick', or 'Delinquent'. I am better than these people - I prove it every time exams come, and every time I have to stand by what I believe. I don't have to play their games. In the end, the lies leave everyone hurt. But I know the truth... or, at least, a truth.

My thoughts turn to him, and the music changes. What is it about you, Kasuga-kun? There's some sort of magic around you, something that makes me trust you even as every instinct screams for me to run. I... when I look into your eyes, I can see the loneliness, the infinite secrets I share... but it doesn't bother you. You understand, you share, but you do not suffer.

And I both love and hate you for it. I want that peace so badly I can taste it. Can you know what a total lack of love is like? The vacuum that comes with knowing that the only person you can depend on is yourself? If truth be known, I am tired, more tired than I can ever admit, and I would love someplace safe to relax. Normally, the saxophone is my only comfort; now I feel another in your presence.

And that, knowing there is someplace for me to run, is more frightening than anything I have ever known.

My mourning song stops, and I look at the dark water of Tokyo Bay. It is pretty at this time of night, if dangerous; the lights of the city reflect on the surface, creating stars below as well as above. It's a melancholy place... which is perhaps why I love it so much. This has been my only comfort for so long that I'm afraid to leave.

An idea strikes me, and I put the saxophone to my lips once more. It's a different song, one learned and dreamed of by every beginner on the sax... but rarely played with soul. The faint tugs of a smile cross my lips as I begin the schmaltzy tune.

I'm not mourning anymore - not tonight, anyway. I've got too many dreams to take care of - and I'll be DAMNED if I let anything, any lies or foolishness or cowardice, stand in my way.

Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow, I'll tell him. And then... who knows? I stop for a moment to pick up my case, then continue playing. It's a pretty night; there are others around, and I'm sure they'll appreciate the music.

And, hopefully, Kasuga Kyosuke will appreciate my music tomorrow.

Just a little bit during a melancholy moment.

Initially posted January 23, 1999

Posted to fanfiction dot net March 17, 2010