High all, I'm back did you miss me? OK maybe not. Well here is my latest fic, we kick things off back in season 1 when Lister has just told Rimmer he has passed the exam to become an officer. This is what happens next. I always felt that Doug and Rob could of had more fun with this, so here is my version. Reviews very welcome.
Rimmer stood at the end of the corridor, the news of what he had just heard sank into his very core as if he had been harpooned by a whalers gun. Lister was an officer, OK maybe not a very high ranking one but he was technically now more senior than himself. 'Lister more senior than him, this really was a low point in his career' thought Rimmer.
He found Lister still grinning back at their quarters. He was sitting at the table tucking into his prize cake that he had made for the exam, big chunks of cake were dropping from Listers mouth while great waves of cream dripped from his chin.
"Arrhh Lister, there you are, I just wanted to say well done." Said Rimmer through sneered lips.
Lister looked up and could not help notice the angst that Rimmer was going through.
"Cheers man, but it won't change anything you know."
Rimmer walked over to the basin and looked at his hollow reflection in the mirror. 'Sure it won't you goit!' thought Rimmer.
"I guess this means you will be moving out into one of the officer quarters now does it?" he asked Lister.
Without looking round Lister shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I could, but I thought I would hang around here a bit longer."
Another jab hit Rimmer, he was going to stay here and rub salt into his wounds. Well he could rise above it he was better than that. He straightened and turned to face Lister, then walking up to the table edge he clicked his heels together and gave Lister a full single Rimmer salute.
"Arnold J. Rimmer reporting for Duty Sir?" he said in his best tone.
Lister half looked at Rimmer standing there waiting for him to say something. "What, oh yeah right. It's OK Rimmer I don't need anything right now." Said Lister going back to his cake.
Ok so that was the way he was going to play it thought Rimmer, well he was not going to let him get away with it that easy. If Lister wanted to play at officer material he was going to have to act like one.
"Sir, if I may, I could not help notice the large pile of mandates in the Drive room that need an officers signature. Can I get the skutters to fetch them for you sir?" said Rimmer still at full attention.
Lister stopped eating the cake and looked up at Rimmer with his chest flung out far to far. "It's OK man, they don't need doing, Holly can take care of it, isn't that right Hol?"
Holly appeared on the screen. "What, oh yeah no probs Dave."
Rimmer lips slowly spread into a smile. "Actually sir, space core directive 495a states that every officer found to be left in command must action all tasks to ensure the continued success of the ship and mission."
Lister picked up another large slice of the cake. "Right now Rimmer my mission is to finish this cake and failure to do so will result in a serious emptiness of my stomach." Said Lister stuffing the slice into his mouth.
Rimmer turned to leave. "I see, well I will just be going then."
Lister did not look up from his cake orgy and waved his chocolate covered fingers.
Outside Rimmer decided that he would up the level of the game a notch. "If he wants to play officer then I'll show him what being an officer means." He said rubbing his hands together while heading for the Drive room.
Inside the Drive room and Rimmer is browsing the 'New to Officer hood guide' that Holly had furnished him with and now he was giving Holly some instructions.
"Holly has the officer induction program been run on Listers profile yet?" asked Rimmer.
"No not yet Arnold." said Holly
"Well do you think you could run it please, we would not want to deprive Lister of the perks of the job, now would we?"
Holly knew Rimmer was up to something but he was not sure what, and right now he had bigger concerns so he looked up the program and ran it.
"OK it running." he said.
"Thank you Holly. Oh and Holly" began Rimmer.
"Yes?" said Holly still looking distracted.
"Now that Lister is an officer I think you should redirect the ships urgent event logs to his personal email, oh and make sure you put the extra urgent mail waiting alarm on each one." Said Rimmer grinning.
"I am not sure Dave would like that very much?" said Holly.
"Whether he likes it or not, officers manual page 144 says that if no other commanding officer is around then all ships alarms should be directed to the most senior ranking person, in this case Lister." Said Rimmer.
Holly relented and performed the necessary configurations. "OK, it's done, can I go now, I am rather busy you know." Said Holly.
Rimmer waved a hand at him. "Sure whatever, go."
Rimmer headed back to Lister.
As Rimmer approached the sleeping quarters he heard the sweet music of revenge. Every 30 seconds a loud ping was emitting from the quarters vid screen, which he guessed correctly was a new message from the event log.
He strolled into the room whistling. "Alright Listy?" he asked.
Lister was sitting at the table with stuffed cotton wool in his ears and a pillow round his head, he looked up at Rimmer as he entered.
"Rimmer man, what the smeg is going on with my mail, I keep getting ship warnings every 30 seconds, and it's driving me crazy. Each one requires action or it won't stop alarming." Said Lister winching as another loud ping emitted from the vid screen.
'WARNING – Sector 12 requires action. A seal in turbo lift five requires attention'
"See there is another of the smeggers!" said Lister.
Rimmer tried to look innocent. "Oh I guess it's the ships alarm log going to the most senior ranking person, and that is now you Listy."
"Well how do I make it smegging stop?" said Lister flinging his pillow at the screen as another ping emitted from it.
Rimmer shrugged and walked back out of the room grinning. 'One – nil!' he thought.
Lister finally found Rimmer in the cinema watching some old movie about the industrial revolution on mars.
"OFF!" said Lister walking into the darkened room.
Rimmer looked around to see Lister glaring at him. "I was watching that." He said.
"Holly told me, it was you." Said Lister.
"Me what?" replied Rimmer sinking a bit lower in his chair.
Lister walked to the end of the row. "You told Holly to redirect all ship event mails to my personal account. It took me ages to delete them you smeghead."
"Look you wanted to become an officer, I am merely ensuring you realise what that means." Said Rimmer bluntly.
"Well, two can play at this game Rimmer and being a senior officer I want you to retrieve my cigarette stash from your hiding place and stack them neatly in my quarters by 1400hrs. Oh and I know you will do it Rimmer because you like all this officer crap."
Rimmer sighed, he had him there. He stood up. "That's only 15 minutes away. I can't do that."
Lister threw a thumb over his shoulder. "That's an order Mr Rimmer!"
Rimmer glared at him. "You know this means war don't you Lister?"
Lister said nothing as he watched Rimmer quickly leave the cinema.
Lister sat down on one of the chairs. "Hol?" he called.
Holly's image appeared on the large screen. "Yes Dave what is it?"
"Now that I am an officer can I have access to Kochanski's Hollow disc please?" he asked.
Holly remained silent and looked sheepish.
"Holly, what is it?" pushed Lister.
"I was busy OK it was not my fault, I just kind of did it." Said Holly looking nervous.
Listers heart began to pump faster. "Did what Hol?"
"Rimmer asked me to run the officer induction program on your profile." Said Holly.
Lister pushed again. "And?"
"Well until you have completed the induction course certain officer commands and privileged will remain off limits." Finished Holly.
Lister breathed out, at least it was not Kochanskis disc, he thought Holly had lost it.
"And let me guess, those privileges include access to the hollow suite files." Said Lister.
Holly looked guilty. "Sorry Dave, like I said I was up to my neck in ship diagnostics when Rimmer asked me to run it."
"So what's this induction all about Hol?" asked Lister putting his feet up on the chair in front of him and placing his hands behind his head.
"Basically you have to complete a number of computer lead course, pretty standard stuff, health and safety, alien encounters." Holly stopped as Lister interrupted him.
"Alien encounters, what really?" asked Lister.
"Yes Dave, standard Space core protocol, every officer must know what to do in the event life is actually found in the universe." Said Holly.
"Wow, that should be good for a laugh what else?" asked Lister.
"Well according to my records you have to complete a simulation." Said Holly.
"A simulation." Said Lister rolling the word around his mouth. "What's that then?"
"I'm afraid I can't tell you but basically over the next 24hrs you will go through one." Said Holly.
Lister sat there for a moment in silence, and then asked. "So what can I do then Holly?"
"Oh loads of cool stuff, you can order a new chair for your office." Said Holly looking pleased.
"A chair?" said Lister
"Yes one with a cup holder and foot recliner if you like." Said Holly.
"Holly, I don't have an office or need a smegging new chair, what else, anything useful or fun?" said Lister who was starting to wonder why he had bothered with this whole escapade.
"A chair with a cup holder is not fun? Oh well, you can order Rimmer around, and you have the command to cancel his annual leave." Said Holly.
"Oh that's a biggy, cancelling his annual leave that will be a right laugh. Forget it Hol, just stick a vid on will ya." Said Lister making himself comfortable.
The titles came up.
'AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMEN'
Lister sighed, got up and left.
Next time: Rimmer ups his game and Listers simulation test begins.