1) Change all his robes to red and gold
2) Point out his inferiority complex whenever he bullies Lucius Malfoy
3) Cough and look at him pointedly whenever he insults those of dirty blood
4) Walk up towards him dressed up like the Grim reaper and say boo
5) Tell him you find bald men sexy
6) Make suggestive comments about his domineering, aggressive personality
7) Sign him up for stress-relief therapy sessions
8) Subtly hint Nagini as a potential mate
9) Ask for his permission for Lady Gaga to be the death eater's number one mask producer
10) Tell him you hate riddles
11) Or better yet, tell him you love doing riddles
12) End every question you find confusing with " Now isn't that a riddle?"
13) Give him fliers on plastic surgery
14) Ask him why doesn't he have such a cool scar
15) Ask him why he doesn't have half as much fangirls as Harry Potter
16) Have a serious talk to him about anger management issues
17) Tell him that unsatisfied sexual desires may subconsciously be causing some of his rage
18) Send Bellatrix in a sexy nightdress to his bedroom at night
19) Ask him how long it has been since he last gotten laid
20) Ask him whether his favourite childhood story was the Ugly Duckling
21) Psychoanalyse him. Conclude he is " a bit of a control freak" and is "mildy delusional"
22) Warn him that Harry Potter might have visions when he is using the bathroom
23) Make an offhand remark about how you find it fascinating that in J.R.R Tolkien's universe Elves live forever without having to break their backs trying to be immortal and how they still managed to look halfway decent
24) Comfort him because Snape could pull off the evil-bat-in-long-robes better than him
25) Tell him the odds of him winning are as much as Snape wearing a grass skirt and doing the hula-dance
26) Comment that at least Darth Vader (Star Wars) has the decency to wear a mask to cover that hideous mug of his
27) Advise him that next time he plans on murdering babies, make sure their parents aren't around in case the plan backfires
28) Ask whether Snape is his love child. When he says no, apologise since you apparently thought Snape got his winning personality and good sense of humor from him
29) Ask whether he has displayed any stalker-like tendencies before Harry Potter
30) Tell him you share his sorrow about him getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson
31) Give him robes with lightning bolt patterns for Christmas
32) Show him slash fanfictions of him and Harry Potter
33) Tell him that there are people out there who like the idea of him and Dumbledore together
34) Before he plans for the next Kill-harry-Potter scheme sell him life insurance
35) Send him a singing Valentine:
" His head is bald as your common coot
His eyes are as red as a blood-red rose
I wish he was mine,
He's Evil defined
If only he would be my Dark Lord. "
36) Make strangled hissing sounds and insist that you can speak Parseltongue.
37) If he asks about what the Order of Phoneix is planning next, pretend to get irritated and say, " Can you please stop poking your nose in ...oops err nothing "
38) Sneak up to him in the dark and say in an eerie voice, " Wooooh...I am youurrrr conscience....."
39) Hang up posters of the Disney movie "Bolt" in his room and say that is a picture of Harry Potter in animagus form
40) When he is waking up yell "Good morning sunshine!"
41) Try to do simple mundane tasks like finish eating or going out of the room before he does
42) Inform him of the possibility that Harry Potter might try to off him with a wam loving hug since the power the dark lord knows not is love
43) Tell him that it was a wise decision on his part and praise his hindsight about the time he asked Quirrell to look into the Mirror of Erised and not look into the mirror himself since it might probably crack
44) Ask Bellatrix to dedicate the song Paparazzi by Lady Gaga to him...Singing " Im your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me..." over and over again
45) Use lipstick to draw a lightning bolt on his forehead and tell him you were just inspired by Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks
46) Buy him a Firebolt for Christmas since the poor man goes around flying without one
47) Tell him that a lot of girls find bad boys appealing
48) Give him hair-growth solutions for his birthday. If it doesn't work, get him a wig
49) Suggest he choose less glaringly obvious things for his hocruxes
50) Replace Wormtail with an identical rat and wait how long before he finds out that he's embarrassed himself by talking to it
51) Greet him rapper style " Yo whatz up Big V"
52) Tell him " I love you Voldie-poo"
53) Ask him why he got a diary yet never wrote in it as it would be therapeutic
54) Tell him how you think I am Lord Voldemort as an anagram of Tom Marvolo Riddle is cute
55) Ask him why he can't be patient and just wait for Harry to die of natural old age since his plans keep failing anyway and he is the 'oh-so-immortal' Dark Lord
56) Tell him how sexy it is that he marks people who are his
57) Tell him how romantic it is that he is protecting the locket with Snape's initial engraved on it
58) Insist he see a healer about his sore eyes
59) Request for Harry Potter to send Voldemort a record of him singing "I Will Survive" by Aretha Franklin
60) Sing " Love will find a way" whenever Voldemort mocks Harry or Dumbledore about how love can't protect him
61) Tell him that his obsession with snakes is causing him to look more and more like one
62) Tell him how he could be a potential Gryffindor heartthrob with his sexy red eyes
63) Force him to watch the "Forty-year old Virgin" movie. Tell him it would be educational
64) Sing Madonna's " Like a Virgin" to him at every Death Eater party
65) Tease him----" Awww your soul may be fragmented but at least you've still got one pure thing about you." Then RUN.
66) Make an effort to tell him about how Harry Potter got a girlfriend before him
67) Everytime he says the killing curse, pop up beside him and also yell "Abracadabra!"
68) Tell him you've found a way to counter the Avada Kedavra curse. When he asks what is the counter-curse, shout "Expelliarmus" and then HIDE.
69) Ask him if he uses any Age-Defying or Anti-Wrinkle cream
70) When he takes over the Ministry, pull strings so that instead of Undesirable, Harry Potter becomes Desirable Number One
71) Tell him that Dumbledore is gay and suggest that perhaps if he dress up real nice and smile, Dumbledore might let him win
72) Publish in the Ministry safety guidelines: How to ward off Lord Voldemort using garlic and make sure he gets a copy
73) Request Harry Potter to say " I am... Harry Potter" before he say anything the next time they meet
74) Wonder out loud if Merope didn't save herself with magic and died because she got depressed with the prospect of having to raise a hideous little bastard, not because of Tom Riddle Senior
75) Ask him what sun-screen protection he's been using
76) Tell him you saw his brothers and sisters down in the lake in the cave where he hid his locket
77) Tell him Knock-knock jokes.
" Knock Knock"
" You know."
" You know who?"
" How did you know?"
78) Ask him whether like Hanna Montana, he lives a double life as Michael Jackson
79) Ask him whether he's a big fan of S&M
80) Make Bellatrix say " Punish me, my Lord...." in so seductive a voice that he never would want to punish her again
81) Tell him he shouldn't be jealous of Harry Potter having his mum die for him since his mother too died for him technically
82) Ask him in an innocent voice when he dresses in his most impressive robes, " Oh? Is it Halloween already?"
83) Teach him about how you need blood to be compatible i.e. of the same blood group when you take blood from someone else
84) Offer him apologies as you discovered he and Harry Potter are of different blood groups so he is going to die soon
85) Call him "my boy" everytime you talk to him
86) Offer him lemon drops every single time he opens his mouth
87) Get the DADA job at Hogwarts and rub it into his face
88) Tell him Harry Potter is his hocrux and that he should protect him
89) Pat him on the back and say, " Poor you. Bellatrix is fmarried already. Perhaps you should have a talk with Snape on how he deals with feelings for a married woman."
90) Tell him his long spider-like fingers would be good for playing the piano
91) Point out that Harry Potter has a Gringotts vault and he doesn't.
92) Tell him he should stop mooching off his followers and go get a job or something. Then cough " Lucius" and "Quirrell"
93) Ask him if he is remaining celibate and recommend that he become a priest
94) Tell him whenever he's bothering you too much, "Don't you have any babies to kill?"
95) Yell "Expecto Patronum" at him
96) Tell him a dementor is going to be his downfall one day, not Harry Potter, since he can't think happy thoughts
97) Ask if if he's gay since he never dated girls despite being hot when he was young
98) Request that he give all his bottles of shampoo to Snape since he doesn't neeed to use them
99) Tell him that Dumbledore is the greatest wizard alive because technically he's not even alive
Gab here. I thought of this list all my myself and are my own original ideas. Thats why the long break between the next update of my story Behind Emerald Eyes. I wanted to take a shot at humor....So how was it? Please comment and let me know what you think !