Chapter 36: Damaged
I've had it before.
I've had it plenty of times.
Especially with my new job with Jameson.
But I've never done it with someone I actually cared about. No one that I loved. Sex has never been personal because I've never been very personal with anyone.
With therapy, Butters has slowly been recovering from what happened at Token's party. He's starting to dress and act like himself again, but he gets defensive whenever someone touches him. Though we've been together for such a long time, he was nowhere near ready for something like that. I knew he wasn't ready, though he constantly pretends he's okay when I kiss him, or try to touch him.
About 4 months after the incident, I was a popular choice at Jameson's private club and business. The more I committed to this, the more Butters and I got closer as we tried to rebuild Butter's fractured trust. I felt terrible every day though, because the more he tried to reach out to me, the more I pushed him away.
Because Butters was afraid of sex, and I was afraid of touching him because of my work with Jameson, so it wasn't a factor in our relationship much. It was more of a white elephant in the room whenever we were alone together, but I was in no rush to change anything right any until my job with Jameson was complete.
It wasn't like Butters wouldn't allow me to touch him. It wasn't that bad. But anything farther than that would cause him to push me away. I learned that the hard way.
Butters snuck me into his bedroom Friday afternoon after he was released from the hospital. It was a three day weekend from school but he wasn't allowed out. His parents were holding him on lockdown until his first few therapy sessions were completed. His parents were never a fan of me either, so if they knew our relationship they would never let Butters see daylight again.
We just hung out for the most part. When his parents left to go shopping, we snuck downstairs and made lunch. Only when the tension got thick and we started kissing did things start to go downhill.
It wasn't like I meant to touch him inappropriately. I knew better to just stick with his waist, face or shoulders. It was a slip of the hands, honestly. I got carried away.
I hadn't even realized I'd done it until he pushed himself off of me.
"Butters, I didn't mean to-"
The elephant in the room was blowing his trumpet and stomping around. We couldn't look at each other and the silence was overbearing.
"Maybe I should go." I said, not wanting to make the situation worse than it already was.
"No, you don't have to-"
"I think I do." I got off of his bed and started to climb out his window. Butters didn't stop me, but I didn't expect him to.
It was only when my feet hit the ground did I realize I could have just used the front door.
Sunday rolled around and Butters hadn't called me yet. I felt like a girl after a hookup. Jameson had called me three times, but I didn't pick up. I didn't want to feel guilty for doing this behind Butters back.
It was only until Sunday night that my phone rang with Butters name on the caller ID. I tried not to act so excited when I answered.
"Hiya Kenny. What are you doing?"
Sitting by the phone like a schoolgirl waiting for you to call me instead of going to Jameson's to prostitute myself into oblivion.
"Oh. Well, um, when you're done, do you wanna come over?"
"Do you want me over?"
"If you want to come over."
He hung up, and I grabbed my keys and headed out to the old crappy pickup, an unsettling feeling settling in my stomach. I kept wondering what was going to unfold once I got to the house.
His parent's car wasn't in the driveway, and I breathed a sigh of relief. They weren't easy people to deal with. Ever.
Butters was looking out of his bedroom window, waiting for me.
He didn't come to greet me when I can inside. He didn't say anything when I entered his bedroom.
His face held no emotion except nervousness when he approached me. The silence was driving me absolutely crazy.
His lips slammed onto mine to hard I almost fell backwards. His hands were on my shirt, pulling at it to the point I thought it might rip.
I felt my back hit the bed and Butters straddle me without letting his lips leave mine. I kissed him back, missing the contact and the affection, but once his hands started to snake towards my belt, I pulled his hands and my lips away.
"Butters, no. No. Stop."
He sat up,. Still on my lap, Butters looked at me red in the face and with tears in his eyes.
"What's wrong? I thought you wanted this."
"Sure I do. Eventually though. Not like this." I pushed him off of me gently onto the bed beside me and stood up. I felt terrible, because I knew that I had given him the idea that I had wanted him to force himself to go through with this; he wasn't ready, not even close.
"Why are you putting it off?"
"Because you don't want to, and I don't want to force you into anything." I was being honest, but it was only half the truth. I really didn't want to do anything sexual with Butters until my STD test came back from the Denver health clinic. I didn't want to put Butters at risk with my dirty side profession.
Butters didn't say anything for a long time. He seemed heartbroken, almost like I'd rejected him. I felt terrible.
I left. I couldn't stand being in the room with him while he had that expression on his face.
I sat in my car for a good half hour, slamming my fists against my dashboard and swearing at myself.
Butters and I didn't talk for five days.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do to make it right.