Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon. Toei Animation does.
Summary: Matt is straight. Totally. So Tai had best back off with his unwanted advances. CRACK fic!
A/N: You know those fics where Matt and Tai angst for several chapters, denying that their feelings go deeper than mere friendship and occasional rivalry before finally giving in to their repressed desires? Yeah, this isn't one of those^-^
To Catch An Ishida
The first time Matt suspected Tai of having more than feelings of friendship towards him is when it dawned on him that maybe not all guys had such a touchy-feely relationship as the two of them did. Every time he turned around, Tai was there with a playful slug to his shoulder or loping one arm around his neck as a greeting and even going as far as messing up his gel-trained hair just to get on his nerves. And while all these instances may have seemed perfectly benign before, Matt began to notice a severe lack of physical contact coming from the rest of his guy friends. Izzy certainly didn't go about trying to trip him by pushing his foot into the back of his knees and Joe never popped up out of nowhere and tackled him then passed that instance off as an excuse that he was trying to cure his hiccups by scaring them away. Davis and Ken seemed too intimidated by him to even hold his gaze for very long and Cody hardly initiated touching with anybody. Even T.K. had toned down on his brotherly affection and didn't hug him nearly as much as he had when he was little.
Still, he could have passed it all off as Tai merely being himself—a brash, inconsiderate of other people's personal spaces kind of guy—if he hadn't one day, reached out and taken Matt's hand in his own, turn it palm-side up, and run his fingers almost tenderly over the skin.
"What are you doing?" Matt had demanded, mortified to hear his voice cracking in half.
"You have calluses from playing your guitar," Tai had stated simply before letting go.
Matt had spent the rest of the entire day wondering if that was coded Tai-speech for "I like you. I want you. Let's make out in the school hall closet next fire drill."
No, he was delusional. He had to be. And even if he wasn't—even if he had been reading through the lines correctly, he wasn't interested in dating guys, especially ones with a personality like Tai's. He was straight. Totally. He had a girlfriend.
Sora broke up with him a week after the afore-mentioned incident.
"I just don't feel like you're all there with me," she had said when he had asked for an explanation. "When we're together, you're always looking around like you're searching for something and it's not like you set aside much time for us in the first place. I think it's pointless to continue this anymore."
Matt had panicked. He couldn't lose her! She was his life-line to the world of normal and his shield against whatever ploy Tai was concocting in that giant bushy head of his. Without her, he would be utterly defenseless against his "friend's" advances under the guise of "comforting" him over the break-up.
So, desperately, he had snatched up Sora's hands in his own and blurted out, "You have calluses from playing tennis."
He had walked away with a red slap-mark to his cheek and the realization that girls misunderstood a good compliment when they received one.
To Matt's relief, Tai hadn't immediately pounced on this chance where his friend was vulnerable to push his limits, but instead had pretended to play subtle, acting like he wasn't utterly thrilled that Matt was back on the open market. He had, however, overheard him discussing his immoral intentions towards him with Davis one time when all the Digidestined had gotten together on one of their rare occasions and played a brief game of soccer.
"Why do I have to be the centre forward?" Tai had moaned at the start of the game, pouting slightly. "I'm the striker! I'm always the striker! I'm fast and accurate and can score goals nine times out of ten! I deserve so much more respect than being passed the ball and holding it!"
"Taichi-sempai, I hate to break it to you, but Ken over there is the Rocket: a soccer genius among other things!" Davis had declared boisterously, pointing to the other team which Matt was part of. "If we want to win against them, I have to face him in combat! So I'm striker and you're centre forward! Face the facts: your generation has reached its peak. You're getting old! Hahahahahaha—ACK!"
"You ungrateful, little brat! How dare you insult your teacher like that? You wouldn't even know how to play soccer if it weren't for me! Give me those goggles back!" Tai had shouted, grabbing Davis in a headlock, while the other boy struggled for air.
It wasn't a real fight—just a playful tussle and the others had gathered around laughing. But Matt had cost his team the game once it had resumed, because instead of being an assertive goalie, he had been far too busy trying to decipher what Tai's vulgar overtures had meant. Was striker soccer-slang for seme then? Had that been a hint aimed at him? Had Tai wanted to prove his male masculinity by dominating him on the field? Had Matt in losing the game symbolized something deeper?
Soccer was quite confusing… and awfully frightening too.
Matt decided it would be best to avoid his closest friend for as long as it took Tai to realize that that chasing after him was a lost cause. He wasn't sure when Tai had started swinging the other way—or maybe he was only fixated on him—but he didn't want to get involved in some weird relationship. The worst part about the whole ordeal was that Tai was being so blasted secretive about his mad pursuit that Matt doubted his own sanity. Sometimes, he thought he was imagining things in his overly hysterical mind. He could have assessed the situation better if Tai had done something blatant like wearing nothing but his boxers whenever Matt came over or attempt an "accidental" grope of his body.
But this manner that Tai was going about it, where Matt couldn't make heads or tails if his friend was plotting an alternate agenda was driving him crazy. Tai must be waiting to lure him into a false sense of security before letting loose his plan of attack—that had to be it. Well, he would show him this Ishida could not be caught! He would pay no attention whatsoever to his unwanted advances until Tai gave up.
This turned out to be far easier than he thought since Tai never once called, emailed or spoke to him for the duration of two weeks after his and Sora's break-up. Not that Matt was counting the days or checking his messages every half hour to make sure. Not that if he was, he was waiting for anything Tai had to say—he had plenty of other friends besides Tai. He had plenty of other things to do with his life than be bothered about Tai.
"I thought you said you were working on the lyrics to the new song," one of the members of his band had said one afternoon at practice and Matt had look downed at the sheet of paper in front of him and was horrified to see every spare inch of it covered with the name "Tai".
That clenched it. How dare Tai ignore him in this fashion? How dare he cause him all this anxiety and stress with these mind games he was shamelessly playing and just leave him hanging? He was going to 'fess up and take responsibility for his actions. Enough was enough!
Snarling, Matt whipped out his cell phone and speed-dialed Tai's number with a vengeance and an expression so ferocious, his band backed away a safe distance.
Tai picked up on the first ring with a cheery greeting of, "Oh, hey, Matt, are you finished sulking finally?"
"S-Sulking?!" Matt sputtered, losing his train of thought for the moment. "W-What, w-what are you—"
"You know, I figured you'd be depressed over your break-up with Sora so I gave you some space so you could let out some steam, brood, angst, whatever. It usually helps you in the end—it did in the Digital World. At least then you only resembled a moody pre-teenager instead of some psycho-zombie on the rampage," Tai explained with an air of casualness like everything was perfectly normal.
"I-I… I DO NOT SULK!!!" was all Matt could manage to convey across. Brilliant response, yeah. That was really showing Tai he wasn't getting to him.
"Dude, you so do sulk," Tai stated, sounding very amused. "You go off and mope for a couple of days over whatever issue is troubling you then you usually return and throw a hissy fit like now."
"I AM NOT THROWING A HISSY FIT!!!" Matt howled and behind him, the rest of the band flinched violently, mumbled something about remembering they were needed elsewhere and all but bolted for the exit.
"Right, so that whole incident with the Dark Masters with you coming back from having your emo episode after your little conversation with Cherrymon and you wanting to punch my lights out for being so much cooler than you wasn't you sulking or throwing a hissy fit?" Tai asked smugly and Matt can practically see the smirk on his face.
"Oh, shut up, Tai!" Matt snapped, heat pooling in his cheeks at such an embarrassing memory.
"Hehehehe," Tai sniggered before inquiring. "So does this mean it's safe for me to come over tonight then?"
"Yeah, fine, whatever," Matt said without thinking.
"Great! I'll bring pizza and a board game!" Tai chirped, hanging up.
Matt stared at the phone in his hand, the novelty of what he had just agreed to slowly sinking in.
"How'd… that happen?" he asked no one in particular.
Needless to say, Matt spent the remainder of the afternoon fretting for his chastity. This was it; he could feel the end drawing near. He had been lured into the spider's web despite his precautions and been ensnared tight and now it was only a matter of time until his blood was sucked dry. No, no, he couldn't give up like this! He might be losing the battle, but he would win the war!
So when Tai breezed through his door later that evening, he was ready with a can of pepper spray in his pocket and thick, hard-cover, unabridged Japanese-English dictionary lying conveniently on an end-table in the living room (for clubbing over the head just in case). He also had found his laser flashlight, which he intended to signal SOS out the window with if things got too out of control. Yes, he was ready. He was going to cut himself free of this intricate design and firmly let it be known once and for all that while he cared for Tai as a friend that was as far as his feelings went and it would be healthy for him to set his sights elsewhere.
"Hey, Mr. Gloom and Doom, get in here so I can wipe the floor with you!" Tai called from the living room as he set up the game.
Matt twitched. Was he supposed to respond to that obvious overtone or play dumb? And just what kind of sleazy board game had Tai chosen to portray his repressed desires? Provocative titles flashed through his head: Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, Connect Four—oh god, heaven forbid, Twister.
"Monopoly?" Matt balked in disbelief as he stared at the game laid out on the coffee table. "We're playing… Monopoly?"
"Not just any Monopoly! Star Wars Monopoly!" Tai cried happily like five-year old in a candy store as he set up the figurines. "Hey, I was wondering, could I be Darth Vader this time? I know he'd probably suit you the best since you're still in one of your dark moods, but he's my favorite character so—"
Matt's head spun crazily. Here he was, all prepared for Tai to try something drastic like demand to play Strip Poker and he got … this.
"Oh, it's alright. You're saved! They've got an Emperor Palpatine figurine too! You can be him. Come to the Dark Side, we have J-Rock and pouting pop idols!" Tai mock-growled, brandishing the hooded Emperor figurine threateningly in his face.
A sort of angry, writhing feeling was worming its way across Matt's chest as a red haze slowly filmed over his eyes. He couldn't stand it any longer. This charade would end now.
"Cut the crap, Tai!" he exploded, swiping the figurine out of his hand to the floor.
"Geez, Matt, can't you take a joke? If you don't want to be ole Darth Corpse, there's plenty of other figurines," Tai said frowning, still putting on this false front like he hadn't been unveiled. "No need to go ballistic on me."
"Just stop, Tai! I'm onto your twisted little game no matter how subtle you play it!" Matt screamed. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression somehow, but I don't like you in that way so please lay off with sexual innuendos!"
Tai was gaping so widely he could have caught flies in his mouth and his eyes had grown to the size of saucers.
"W-W-What… WHAT SEXUAL INNUENDOS?!" he screeched, staggering a few feet back away from him and holding his hands up in front of him protectively.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" Matt shouted enraged. "That touching my hands, the soccer-slang, the playing hard-to-get, this board-game—I've seen through it all! Well, you can forget it! I'm not interested in guys least of all you!"
"NEITHER AM I!!!" Tai yelped with something akin to fear. "And I have so not been making passes at you! You're insane!"
"Insane am I?! Don't deny it! How long have you been harboring this secret lust for me?!"
"Don't think so highly of yourself! You're not completely irresistible! Not everyone worships the ground you walk on, let alone wants to crawl in bed with you!"
"Aha! So you admit it then!"
"Look, Matt, if you're trying out some reverse psychology on me, it's not working. Even if I did have those kind of tendencies, which I don't—you're way too overly-emotional for my taste, sorry."
Matt saw red. Oh, Tai had just not insinuated that he was the one who pressuring an unwilling party with unwanted advances.
"I mean I'm flattered and all that you find me attractive," Tai continued. "But let's face the facts: the whole intimacy part set aside, I don't think I could survive being in a relationship with you. First of all, have you seen your own bathroom? You must spend five hours of your life in there every day. You own more hair products and facial cream than my mom and sister put together!"
"Yeah, well, who'd want to get involved with you anyway? Your room is a pig-sty!" Matt shot back. "It reeks like week-old garbage and sometimes you wear the same outfit to school twice in a row! Without washing it first!"
"Well, you watch the cooking channel for entertainment!"
"What the hell does that matter?! You watch the freakin' sports channel!"
"Sports are very manly! And not 24/7 I don't! I happen to like dramas and anime too! I don't watch a lobster get boiled alive as the highlight for my Saturday night!"
"I had a cold and couldn't find the remote to change the station! And I got that cold from freezing my butt off on ice-cold bleachers to watch your stupid soccer game! Oh, by the way, I think you suck as a striker!"
"You don't even know what position that is!!!"
"So what?! You still suck at it!"
"Alright, that's it. Them's fightin' words," Tai growled, raising two fists. "Put 'em up, you blond, warbling loon!"
Matt launched himself at him with a blood-curdling war-cry, weeks and weeks of pent-up tension, worrying and stress ready to be released in one solid, punch-hit to Tai's face.
So why he found himself sprawled bodily on top of Tai, his arms wound around his neck and lips captured in a desperate, bruising kiss instead was a puzzle to him.
But since Tai was kissing back, his fingers entangled in his hair in a pleasurably, painful grip, he figured it didn't really matter.
When they finally separated for air, heaving in big gulps of breath greedily, Matt shook the dizziness from his head, his eyes blurring slightly, and stared in shock at his best friend lying underneath him on the sofa, a warm, rosy hue spread across his sun-brown face.
"Weren't we… fighting a minute ago?" he asked hoarsely, trying to recall what he had been so angry about. "Isn't this… illogical?"
"Nothing's ever been logical about us," Tai snorted, brushing the problem aside. "We got pulled into another world, survived various monsters trying to destroy us, let ourselves get blasted by our own sibling's Digimons' attack, and merged two-dimensionally with a computer. Your point?"
"Wait, I'm not supposed to enjoy this," Matt said remembering suddenly, moving to unravel his limbs that had somehow gotten entangled familiarly with Tai's own.
Arms snaked around his waist pulling him back down.
"Are you going to force me to brain-storm up another lame trick to get you to chase after me?" Tai hissed in his ear, digging his fingernails sharply into the back of his shirt.
It took a few seconds for that to compute fully in Matt's head. "I knew it!" he cried triumphantly before pausing. "Why you—!" he began heatedly.
"Shut up and kiss me, you moron," Tai ordered, narrowing his eyes.
Matt really had a hard time remembering why exactly he had denied himself the pleasure of Tai's mouth against his, especially when he made those delicious-sounding moans muffled into their locked lips.
"Ooh, Matt, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
"Uh, no, that would be the pepper spray…"
A/N: Wow. What brought that on?^^ Hehehe, isn't Tai the devious one? (And quite the good actor at being clueless isn't he?) Do you know how hard it is to find a humorous fic of these two dealing with romantic desires towards each other and *not* have any angst involved? No offense to any angst writers—I just thought I throw a new spin on things out there. I think it's nice to see the fun side of things with Tai and Matt, that's all. Did you all like it? Should I try and write more of this pairing?
So, I'll just leave you all with my legendary Muwahahahahaha and be off now! Please feel free to quote your favorite lines and scenes! Reviews are a fanfic writer's soul food! Thank you!